WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
The time has come for another episode of Historically Inaccurate Movie Night with Tropical Mary. We’ve done quite a few of them already, but we always had a special love for Cyclops, the movie that started this particular little adventure of ours. Nothing’s beaten Cyclops yet in terms of sheer laughs and total disregard for any semblance of historical truth, but this came pretty close! I don’t know much about Sinbad, but if we were to take the accuracy of the Minotaur’s portrayal as a guide, I’m gonna guess that they got his character completely wrong as well.
In a very loose sense Sinbad and the Minotaur follows Sinbad as he tries to locate the lost treasures of King Minos. There’s a minotaur, a sorcerer, a cannibal and various horned zombies thrown in to pad out the action, but not in any serious way that’s gonna make truck loads of sense. When all is said and done, though, it’s a barrel full of laughs if you’re in the mood for some mindless entertainment. As I did with The ImmortalsI present to you the polluted stream of consciousness that flowed during the course of this movie, followed by a fun little exercise Tropical Mary and I did in transliterating the Greek text in the movie 🙂
- America World Pictures and the Brothers Bradley present… Manu Bennett.
- This female is skilled in the deceptive art of stripper belly dancing.
- The Seven Wonders of the World before there were Seven Wonders of the World…
- And he’ll beat the crap out of you with the pepper grinder of doom!
- Make way for Emperor Trenchcoat Terry!
- Use the magic mist to escape!
- I have no idea what’s going on, but apparently it has something to do with a coke whore called Germaine.
- Now they have to go to the gates of the rash. Things are about to get nasty.
- Ancient Greek spoken by the whole Tourette’s of the world.
- Does anyone in this movie speak English?
- Quickly! Don the see-through harem pants of escaping!
- Everyone’s been at sea and now they’re bitter and blue-balled.
- Quickly men! Gather your ancient sporks and do battle with the enemy!
- This whole forest is made out of plastic.
- I totally promise this is a real cave. It looks like plastic bags held together by used chewing gum, but it really isn’t.
- I wonder if Harry Potter’s dad inherited his invisibility cloak from Sinbad?
- Reptilian Minotaur! I command thee to stand sloppy or get loosen!
- Something about Cinnabon’s adventures on the Seven Seas.
- The Dannii Minogue / Natalie Imbruglia look-alike is either plotting something spectacular, or her next album.
- By the blood of Pythagoras, if anyone here owns a MILF, kill them!
- What draconian laws these people have.
- Wait, if only the MILF owners are being killed, what happens to the MILFs?
- Welcome to a very special episode of Law and Order: Ancient Edition.
- How did Helios, the sun god, father a giant scaly minotaur?
- Hang on, how is this minotaur any different to a regular old bull?
- Helios the All Father? Got some Scandinavian leakage going on here…
- This girl’s really clever – she’s actually a raptor.
- He is the Lord of the Dance said he and he’ll lead you all wherever you may be.
- So the Minotaur is the god of the mountain named Monkey?
- You’d think the Colossus of Rhodes would be… more colossal.
- The High Priestess of the Minotaur is super high.
- A prophylactic like that must be worth something.
A big part of the movie’s plot revolved around Sinbad’s discovery of an ancient text written by King Minos. For such an ancient text it’s been typed out in beautiful Arial Greek font. Now, Tropical Mary’s Ancient Greek is far superior to my own, but I can read the alphabet, and we had a great time transliterating the text that popped up on-screen. To give you an idea of just how archaic the language is, the scroll reads:
espskssss kssiphgsb s hste oite uksooe ou zdksthtksieeph ksopsephbks chti thdrzd szdepsch.
Bet the guys behind the movie weren’t betting on people like us watching it 🙂 That’s Greek as spoken by a two-year old with a forked tongue.
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