Tokyo Gore Police

Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Horror / Action / Sci-Fi
IMDB Rating: 6.1 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

THIS POST CONTAINS STRONG ADULT CONTENT

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Few are the times that I am truly lost for words, but this has got to be one of those few times. Clearly the fallout from Hiroshima and Nagasaki had much greater long-term effects than the world initially realised because something is very, VERY wrong in Japan. I’m not scared of gore and I’m not scared of weird shit but if a movie’s gonna have them there has to be some kind of purpose to it. Not here, not here at all. This movie is just under two hours of non-stop blood and guts and boobs and butts. Thankfully I watched it with a good friend of mine so we spent most of the movie in stitches laughing because if I hadn’t I don’t know if I’d would’ve come out alright on the other side. Who the people at IMDB are that think this movie deserves a 6.1 / 10 I don’t know and to show the levels of weird I’m not going to review this movie in the normal 3-pictures-and-text fashion. This is for two reasons: firstly the storyline is too thin to properly write about (near-future Japan, police are privatised, mutants are on the run, one girl one destiny – all there is to it) and I feel a pictorial review best illuminates this movie’s oddest qualities.

In a privatised future, all police dispatchers are required to be slutty blondes who like to dance.

You should always carry an umbrella around in case you decide to cut someone’s arms off. No amount of washing will get blood out of a silk mini kimono.

In the future your fondest memories will be of you and your best friends sitting together for an afternoon performing group mutilation.

The rare and elusive vagigator is a worthy and honourable foe.

Ever been so horny that your penis just blew right off?

I’m just eternally grateful that it turned out to be a laser gun rather than some other kind of ammunition.

For the ultimate fetish enthusiast: The Golden Shower Breathing Chair

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Don’t visit Japan. EVER.

TOKYO GORE POLICE TRAILER

Bad Biology

Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Horror / Fantasy
IMDB Rating: 5.1 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

THIS POST CONTAINS STRONG ADULT CONTENT

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

When a movie’s opening dialogue is “I was born with 7 clits” you know you’re gonna be in for a rough ride. Not only was it rough but this has got to be, by far, the most disturbing and pointless movie that I have ever seen. It’s not awful in the same way that Alien VS Hunter or the Terror Toons Duology were awful. It is awful because there’s nothing to it: it’s not a horror, although it has minor horror elements, it’s not a thriller, it’s not really a fantasy and I wouldn’t even class it as sci-fi. Hell, I wouldn’t even class it as a porn movie. All that this movie aims to be is an excuse to showcase some very, very warped and kinky sex. I’m not a prude by any means but even I feel dirty after watching this movie, although I imagine for some it will become a kind of cult classic. That being said, it will take people with a far stronger stomach than my own to grant it that kind of prestige. There appear to be those that love it and those that hate it, but this blog is about trash and in my opinion Bad Biology ranks as one of the trashiest of the trash. And at The B-Horror Blog, it’s only my opinion that matters 🙂

A woman's period is a truly emotional time for all people involved.

This piece of cheese has two primary characters that the story revolves around, the first being Jennifer. Jennifer is no ordinary girl. Jennifer was born with seven external clitorises, several more clitorises inside her and, to judge from an internal shot of her vagina that we are shown, possible several Oompa-Loompas. Now all these clitorises and the Oompa-Loompas make Jennifer a very horny woman and, in her own words, she feeds on orgasms in the same way that normal people feed on food. Unfortunately, because of her rare situation, no man has ever been able to satisfy her sexually. I’m not entirely sure how that’s possible because with all of that going on downstairs I imagine a gentle breeze in the right direction would get the job done, but who am I to tamper with the director’s vision? In addition to the clitorises, the Oompa-Loompas and the insanely overactive sex drive, Jennifer’s womb is also overactive, meaning that she gives birth about 2 hours after every sexual encounter she has. Since they developed so quickly the babies are horribly deformed and their mother simply throws them away, believing that they aren’t complete or real. You see Jennifer is apparently a religious person and believes that God’s ultimate plan is to have sex with her and she needs to have all of these other babies in preparation for having His children. I have dubbed this the Unimmaculate Conception and it just means that Jesus is about to get a really screwed-up stepmother…

The Fleshlight 3000: For the above-average gentleman.

Where there’s black there’s white, where there’s yin there’s also yang. Where there’s a Jennifer there’s apparently also a Batz, who has a similar problem controlling his nether region. As a baby the doctors managed to cut off Batz’s penis instead of the umbilical cord and, although they managed to re-attach it, it never worked properly and growing up Batz landed up being the only teenage boy who didn’t get an awkward woody. Not content with this situation Batz began injecting his member with a variety of drugs, chemicals and horse Viagra to bring it to life. This plan worked a little too well when his penis became sentient and drug addicted, fighting against Batz if he refuses to give it the drugs or hookers that it wants. Batz now lives in seclusion desperately trying to find a way to control his penis (which is now as tall as he is) and feel what it’s like to experience a regular male orgasm.

Penises that go 'bump' in the night...

Of course the Fates will always intervene in these kind of situations and Jennifer and Batz are brought together one day while Jennifer is doing a (porno) photo shoot for a rapper’s album. Jennifer walks into the bathroom while Batz is having a fight with his penis and instantly knows what it will take to satisfy her never-ending need for sexual release. That night she sneaks back into Batz’s house to find him getting it on with a hooker and is even more convinced this is the man for her when she sees that the hooker’s orgasm lasts for over an hour. Sadly, as with many girls who find the perfect penis, Batz’s man meat decides that it is better off on its own and breaks free and goes off in search of as many naked women as it can find. Jennifer now needs to find the rogue penis if she ever hopes to fulfill her desire to be impregnated by God.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED:

• Girls born with Oompa-Loompas in their vagina should have them removed at an early age to avoid debilitating libidos in later life.
• It’s easy to confuse an umbilical cord for a penis.
• Women always walk around their apartments naked or, at most, covered in a see-through gown.
• When surprised or scared a woman will rip her gown open in an attempt to frighten an intruder with her breasts.
• God is kinky.
• Nobody wants to be near a woman who suffers PMS 7 times more powerfully than a normal woman.
• Horse-strength Viagra brings penises to life. Literally.
• Drug addicted penises are known to go missing for days, returning only when they need another fix.
• A 45-minute orgasm is not a hooker’s best friend.
• You can, in fact, give CPR to a limp penis.

Bad Biology Trailer