Fraternity Massacre at Hell Island

Year of Release: 2007
Genre: Comedy / Horror
IMDB Rating: 4 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 1 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Here at the B-Horror Blog myself and the many voices in my head are dedicated to human rights and equality for all. Now, I’m sure many of you must be thinking, “but with a Breast-O-Meter, surely this site is dedicated more to objectifying women than it is men?” I myself thought that this may be a problem, but with such fine movies as Dead Boyz Don’t Scream, Bite Marks and Vampire Boys joining the illustrious ranks of The Crypt I feel that we are making great strides towards equality in objectification.

The job of ensuring equal objectification, however, is a monumental one and one that cannot fall to a single person. To this end I needed to find someone who is just as passionate about human rights as I am, and I knew just who to call. I hadn’t seen My Friend The Killer Clown Movie since we drank manly lattes and discussed Killjoy back in October. Thankfully my instincts paid off and he told me that he had starred in the perfect movie that would help in my goal of achieving objectification equality among the sexes. After convincing his wife that our relationship is purely platonic we agreed to meet at a romantic little bistro for a candlelit dinner and he would tell me about Fraternity Massacre at Hell Island.

This is what happens when you watch too many Days of Our Lives episodes.

After a nice glass of red wine, soaking up the atmospheric music and commenting on the enormous bread sticks at the table My Friend the Killer Clown Movie got down to business and told me about this film. He warned me that I would have to pay very careful attention or risk becoming a bit lost in amongst the many people talking to themselves, the gay Star Wars fans and the murder soundtrack that’s initially awesome but quickly becomes irritating. I agreed to try and keep up. So the story begins on a little island where a little stage quartet, who have an incredibly high opinion of themselves considering their shitty act and the fact that they’re performing in a dingy bar, are cursed by a gypsy woman for not allowing her grandchildren to be their understudies. They are now doomed to repeat this act for all eternity unless they can find four unsuspecting strangers to take their place on the stage and pass the curse onto them.

If he had manners he'd look the guy in the face while fantasising about his penis.

While we shared a plate of linguine with a creamy sauce My Friend the Killer Clown Movie explained that we must put this plot (which took place in 1984) aside for the moment and come back to it a little later. In 2007 the pledges of Zeta Alpha Rho are preparing for the final act of their initiation: Hell Night. They will be locked on the same island as the four gypsy-cursed ghosts and made to perform a number of ridiculous acts before being admitted into the fraternity. So now I was thinking that this was a ghost movie, but I was wrong. At the same time a lunatic from a mental asylum has escaped and presumably made his way to the island. This lunatic was also once a pledge for Zeta Alpha Rho but went mad on Hell Night and is now out for revenge on the fraternity that made him lose his mind.

Killer clowns: Now available for threesomes.

With the red wine now giving me a delightful buzz and a dessert of Italian kisses on the way My Friend the Killer Clown Movie elaborated a little more on this already strange plot. It would seem that, while one person has actually escaped from a mental institution, the majority of the characters have all the qualities of a mental patient. Jack, our main guy, is sleeping with one of the fraternity’s more senior brothers. This guy frequently speaks to himself like Gollum. Jack also has a roommate who was not chosen to be a pledge for Zeta Alpha Rho and, in his anger, frequently speaks to a clown figurine they have in their room. The president of the fraternity has a girlfriend who, in her anger because he’s always ditching her for frat stuff, frequently breaks into Kate Roberts inspired monologues. Finally there’s the Dean, who had to be blackmailed into allowing Hell Night to go ahead (he’s sleeping with the college’s cheerleaders), who suffers from debilitating headaches and then begins speaking to his long-dead mother.

So much wasted strawberry jam...

Perhaps it was a combination of the red wine and the intoxicating aroma of My Friend the Killer Clown Movie’s cologne, but I was struggling to see a story actually happening in amongst all of this strangeness. Despite my reservations I was assured that one was, in fact, taking place and that you just need to watch very closely to see it. The pledges on the island will have to contend with a number of things out to get them, including their fraternity brothers trying to play stupid jokes on them, a lunatic in a clown costume trying to kill them and the four ghosts trying to trick them into an eternity of crappy performances. Along the way Jack will learn the meaning of survival, having a great gal pal, the power of love and the truth about his upbringing in an orphanage.

So after a wonderful evening me and My Friend the Killer Clown Movie got up to leave. Walking down the street hand-in-hand with the smell of Autumn in the air and a gentle buzz in my head we both agreed that we had taken the fight for equality to the next level. After a tender makeout session we parted ways and agreed to meet up again should injustice ever need a severe ass whipping.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• ‘Theatre’ is a very loose term that can be applied to singing in a shitty bar in a swamp.
• Queens in New York classes as an old country to the gypsies.
• Threesomes are more fun when you do it in front of a catatonic mental patient.
• Technology means that blackmail can be spread across any number of useful mediums.
• Pizza followed by a little dyking out is a great way for two girls to spend an evening.
• Frat brothers often discuss how good they’d look in the cheerleaders’ dresses with each other.
• The world needs working class cabana boys.
• There’s nothing better than ferris wheel sex.
• Not killing gay people is the sign of a broad-minded serial killer.

FRATERNITY MASSACRE AT HELL ISLAND TRAILER

BUY FRATERNITY MASSACRE AT HELL ISLAND AT AMAZON.COM

Cannibal Hookers

Year of Release: 1987
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 2.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

MUSIC!

Jan Sterling – Angel Fire

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

I don’t know why, but usually when I have a great idea of some kind I end up regretting it deeply. The idea here was, as the last review for 1987 month, I had to go all out; there had to be at least one ‘Requires Post-Film Lobotomy’ review so that I could say this little experiment was a success. If that idea ever occurs again I hope someone will have the strength of conviction to take my laptop and beat me over the head with it because THIS WAS HORRIBLE! It has earned the high distinction of being one of the absolute worst movies I have ever seen, and the joke is it was only 67 minutes long. Whereas some movies, say Aerobicide for example, were painted with the 80s, in Cannibal Hookers the 80s walked in and threw up over everything. It’s just one gigantic mess from beginning to end and words cannot actually describe the true awfulness of this movie. But without words there would be no review, so I’m gonna give it a try anyway 🙂

By the gods, someone rip my eyes out and throw them in bleach!

Hillary is a rebel with an overbearing WASP of a mother who disapproves of her friends and the awful influence they have on her. All of these friends are actually only Deedee, a young lady who looks like a rebel but is actually quite quiet and sweet. Both girls, however, feel that they need some independence and as we all know the only place you’re ever gonna find that kind of thing is by joining a sorority house. But this isn’t any sorority house mind you, this is Gamma Zeta Beta, the sluttiest sorority on campus! Where this campus is we’re apparently never gonna find out, but if there’s a sorority house I assume it has to be attached to something. Because Hillary and Deedee rocked up to the initiation meeting (at the house of the head sister’s grandmother by the looks of things) late they have an extra special task to perform before being allowed in: they have to pose as hookers and attract a client. When they get the client and bring him back to another house they’ll be let in.

This place is an 80s mess! Clean it up NOW!

If running this blog has taught me anything it’s that nothing involving a sorority initiation will ever work out well, and why should Gamma Zeta Beta be any different? There’s a reason these ladies are so slutty and willing to go home with anything: in addition to being highly intelligent students at a leading university they’re also a blood cult. How this all works is a little hazy but it involves a lot of thongs, a lot of saggy asses, an occasional axe, the head sorority sister sleeping with a skull on her crotch and a mentally touched ogre named Lobo. Anyways Hillary and Deedee are out on the street and having some difficulty attracting tricks so they manage to sucker some of Hillary’s boyfriend’s friends into playing along so that they can get into the sorority and then go home. One thing leads to another and one of the friends lands up having his heart ripped out of his chest and smeared all over a woman’s breasts. Of course the story wouldn’t be horribly convoluted enough if we didn’t throw one last little thing into the mixture: while the women of this cult only want the internal organs of men to feast upon, biting another woman helps to spread the quasi-vampiric disease that’s affecting them. Will Hillary and Deedee manage to escape from the clutches of this terrifying cult? How many sleazy lives will be lost in their pursuit for eternal beauty? Does any of it really matter? No, no it doesn’t…

I couldn’t find a trailer for this movie so instead I’m including a clip from it. Might just give you a little insight into the horror that is Cannibal Hookers!

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• An axe handle fits quite comfortably in a hooker’s crack.
• A man will put up no resistance when a hooker bites his finger off.
• Being the sluttiest sorority on campus takes hard work.
• There’s no difference between a sorority and a whore house.
• Being unpopular is no different to being gang raped by nazis.
• For some people sex involves nothing more than remaining completely clothed and rolling your head around a lot.
• Anything that happened over a week ago is ancient history.
• Hookers are violently territorial and will resort to disembowelment if necessary.
• It is necessary for hookers to wake up seductively.
• Advice to new hookers: stay away from bisexuals, watch out for pimps and always charge extra for blowjobs.

CANNIBAL HOOKERS: HILLARY & HER MOM

Blood Sisters

Year of Release: 1987
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 2.7 / 10
Level of Awful: High

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

To kick off my blast from the past 1987-themed movie month I felt that I should go all out and watch something that was both cheesy and filled with 80s ideas of promiscuity, prostitution and poltergeists. Thankfully everything I wanted was to be found in Blood Sisters, a delightful tale of a sorority initiation gone wrong bundled up in a wrapping of bad hair, chunky accessories and outfits that will make your eyes bleed. It’s one of those typical movies that couldn’t quite decide on whether it wanted to be a paranormal thriller or a slasher movie so it just throws both things together and explains neither.

The Ku Klux Klan's Women's Guild holds its weekly baking circle.

Deep in the forest, far away from the highway or the distractions of modern life, there exists a place where you can just get away from it all and forget all your worries: the local whore house. Here dozens of women wearing horrible undergarments and covered in so much makeup it would take a demolition crew to take it off are ready and willing to serve your every need, so long as the price is right. There are women for every man’s taste, so long as he doesn’t like them attractive. Business is thriving and the hookers are having a blast in their little hideaway, but somebody isn’t nearly as pleased with the fine work they do for their community. One day, in broad daylight, somebody sneaks into the house armed with a shotgun ready to put an end to this house of giggling delights. With the hookers dead and the local sex economy in a slump, the events of that day gradually begin to make their way into the local annals of urban legend and, it is said, that should you go into the old hooker house deep in the woods the spirits of the women still wander its halls in their trashiest finery, looking for young virgins to take as otherworldly lovers.

Even the mannequin wasn't prepared to put up with 80s fashion anymore...

When a whore house standing alone in the middle of the woods was once the scene of tragic events, both during its occupants lives and their untimely deaths, the place is virtually begging to host a sorority initiation. The local sorority made up of Greek letters thrown together at random has just finished shortlisting its very long list of pledges and is now ready to allow a new group of girls into its hallowed, bitchy halls. To prove that they will support one another as sisters and to prove that they are stable and mature individuals they must spend the night in the old abandoned whore house which the head sorority sister will have booby-trapped to try to scare them half to death and run out of the house like a banshee into the night. Test of maturity? Yeah, about that. So after a night of what looks like a primitive form of clubbing that takes up a good ten minutes of the movie the girls are blindfolded, put in a van and driven into the woods. From here they need to unpack, get comfortable, hear the story of what happened in the house and then go on a scavenger hunt to prove their allegiance to their would-be sorority house.

Mirrors are known to broadcast lesbian memories from the Other Side.

So now the house has been rigged up by a team of drunken jocks with a variety of things to scare the girls during their scavenger hunt: tapes of women screaming, babies crying, fake axes, a fake gun and so on and so forth. For a while everything is going fine as the girls go about finding random items on their lists. But then things start to get strange and the girls start seeing things, ghostly things. Strange women are wandering the halls while mysterious and sexy memories begin to play in the house’s mirrors. When it becomes apparent to the girls that the sounds that they’ve been hearing are just coming from things planted in the house to scare them they become more relaxed, but it certainly doesn’t explain the things that they’re seeing around them. When they start to be picked off one by one and cry out for help nobody comes looking for them, thinking that it’s simply another trap that’s been set off to scare them. The question to be asked, however, is what exactly is in the house with them? Are they really becoming the victims of hookers from beyond the grave or is something more sinister, more alive, stalking this old house with them?

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• It’s hard to distinguish between a cult meeting and sorority sisters just getting together.
• Health food not only helps you to lose weight but it will also reverse the effects of degenerative eye disease.
• Women find the memories of ghosts having sex with their favourite client highly arousing.
• Ghostly memories are always accompanied by circus music.
• The presence of ghosts is always accompanied by the sound of bell chimes ringing backwards.
• Sarcasm and fear have no place in a haunted whore house.
• Prostitutes who don’t give good head risk having the police shut their brothel down.

BLOOD SISTERS TRAILER

Buried Alive

Year of Release: 2007
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.9 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium

To spread the good word about the joys of horrible horrors I was invited to do another guest review. Head on over to Horror Daily to read my review of Buried Alive.

BURIED ALIVE TRAILER

Hyenas

Year of Release: 2011
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.3 / 10
Level of Awful: High

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Duck and cover people! Costas Mandylor has a gun and he’s pissed off as all hell! I don’t even know where to start with this one, and not just because we have movies A through E all going at the same time. Werehyenas? Really? Is this what Lionsgate has been reduced to? Who was high enough to think that this would be a good idea? Boiled down to its essence what we have here is an actor capable of a single facial expression, a softcore porn star (Christa Campbell), a black guy, a blonde woman, a gaggle of teenagers, bad CGI and cars’ headlights all over the place. Somehow, along the way, all of these little ingredients were thrown together in a rather foul-tasting soup centred around werehyenas, the very insecure cousin of the werewolf.

Sometimes bad CGI just jumps out of nowhere and attacks you...

Early on in the movie we have our first encounter with both the hyenas and their powerful use of a car’s high beams. Driving along a long and seemingly deserted road a woman and her baby are making their way to visit hubby / daddy. Along the way another car suddenly appears and blinds them with their headlights before attempting a drag race. When they eventually decide to leave her alone she continues her journey, only to have one of her tyres burst, forcing her to do a relatively impressive emergency stop. While trying to change the tyre (without raising the car) the headlights suddenly appear again, which she tries to beat into submission with a little torch. Having lost the headlight battle, the werehyenas promptly decide to eat the woman and her child in a frenzy of terrible computer graphics and the manic laughter one comes to expect from a hyena. The hyenas, however, have made a deadly mistake: they have eaten the wife and child of Costas Mandylor, and shit’s about to get real.

Tremble at the sight of my amazing rack!

We now enter the world of Crazy Briggs, a rare and elusive werehyena hunter. When the police can’t help Costas Mandylor in his hunt for his family’s killers Crazy Briggs decide to talk to him directly. It turns out Costas Mandylor certainly doesn’t have any trust issues since he immediately believes Crazy Briggs’ story about this group of shape-shifting werehyenas running around in the wilderness hunting down humans, their preferred food (humans: the other white meat). It turns out that the werehyena is a relative of the werewolf and is its African equivalent (this despite the fact that all the werehyenas are white people). Like the normal hyena the pack is led by a matriarch who needs to keep the male members in line and encourage her female offspring to be über-competitive so that, one day, they can take over from mommy. That day is fast approaching, however, as the current matriarch is ill and daughter Wilda is competing to follow in mommy’s paw prints.

That look on her face means that blondes don't always have more fun...

By sheer coincidence Costas and Crazy Briggs rescue a blonde woman being attacked by the entire pack one night and, with guns loaded and black outfits at the ready, manage to kill one whole werehyena. Now within 3 minutes you’ll know why this woman has been brought into the movie through a combination of weak storyline and her ability to spell out how she grew up in a very competitive environment where her mother encouraged her to compete against her many, many sisters. Think you’ve got it? Good. Because  it was all lost on Costas Mandylor. Thrown in amongst all of this are dark and twisty emo-jocks initiating a baby-faced young man, a Chinese man with a petrol station and several chickens, a group of Latino mechanics involved in a turf war with the emo-jocks, an interracial love story and a moral lesson on what it means to be an American.

You wouldn’t think that so many different things could be brought together to form a cohesive, enjoyable, suspenseful movie. And if you thought that, my friend you were dead right!

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• You don’t need a car seat. You can just throw your child in the back.
• Costas Mandylor doesn’t speak in obvious hints.
• Police don’t need to bag evidence or wear gloves. They can just pick it up and shove it in their pockets.
• Women think you can use a crowbar to remove a tyre.
• Women should always strip before transforming into a hyena.
• Women should always step back in an ordered fashion when a turf war breaks out.

HYENAS TRAILER