Arctic Blast

Year of Release: 2010
Genre: Sci-Fi / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 3.7 / 10
Level of Awful: Low
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Movies like this irritate me. So far as unheard of end of the world movies go, this really wasn’t a bad watch and there are far worse ways for you to spend your time. It’s main problem is that it dragged, but not in the usual way that makes you feel bored to tears. Rather it has a lot happen in a relatively short space of time so when you feel that Earth is pretty much on her knees and a resolution to the problem is about to be discovered you realise that you’ve only been watching for half an hour and that there’s still an hour to go. There are some glaringly obvious factual issues floating around but on the whole the acting is quite decent and the special effects are of a reasonable quality. That said, the title of the movie is completely misleading: nothing gets blasted and the arctic is in no way involved in the problem.

The frightening effects of over air-conditioning.

Poor little humans, we’re in for another round of ‘let’s meet our maker.’ It was a beautiful day when the people of Australia were watching a total solar eclipse (of the heart) and, much to the joy of health officials everywhere, nobody burned their retinas out. As happens from time to time the solar eclipse has a slightly greater effect on the planet than would normally be desirable. Somehow the combination of the moon passing in front of the sun and our recent tendency to pump our atmosphere full of pollution leads to the ozone layer springing a leak just off the coast of Tasmania. This rather sizeable hole (which is apparently visible from space) is allowing super cooled air from the mesosphere to filter down to the surface. This results in a cold front that begins sweeping its way across the sea towards Tasmania and the rest of Australia.

Honey! The planet's blown a puncture!

Now understandably nobody really wants to be caught in a fast-approaching cold front where the temperatures drop to -80 degrees fahrenheit (-62 centigrade for those who, like myself, find degrees fahrenheit confusing). Unfortunately for those people living in the line of fire the government isn’t really prepared to believe that the planet’s ozone layer is ruptured and freezing people in a split second, so a few people have to turn into frozen lollies before anyone actually sits up and pays attention. This is an end of the world movie so of course we have a rogue scientist in the form of Jack Tate to help us overcome this minor issue. As with many rogue scientists Jack’s family is in a state of turmoil and he’s in the process of divorcing his wife and losing the trust of his teenage daughter. Could this crisis possibly bring this family back together again?

Dress warm, it’s a bit chilly outside!

So now what is the government going to do about this little problem? Well they’re certainly not going to listen to Jack, the one man who might just have all the answers. While the government twiddles its thumbs Jack tries to get his family to safety and sticks his wife with the in-laws and takes his daughter back to his lab. While in the lab he will try to come up with the best solution to Earth’s current situation and possibly fix the screw up of a plan the Australian government has come up with on its own. The situation will become slightly more complicated by the fact that the ozone hole above Australia in some way sent ripples out across the planet and opened holes above other major cities in Europe, Asia and North America. The race is on to find a way to plug the holes before all of Earth gets turned into a giant ice palace.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• If meteorologists get drunk enough they could easily solve all the world’s problems.
• Divorce lawyers are quite happy to be called blood-sucking parasites.
• Fireworks and chinese take aways will not buy you your daughter’s loyalty.
• For some people a ship full of condensation is the craziest thing they’ve ever heard of.
• A hairdryer will fix the most waterlogged of hard drives.
• Diabetic meteorologists need excessive amounts of chocolate to do their work.
• Any fool who bangs on his keyboard hard enough will eventually hack into an American military satellite.
• A true gentleman will gladly offer to do a little insulin shopping in -50 degree weather.

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Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman

Year of Release: 2000
Genre: Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 3.4 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 1 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Well, tis the season and all that, so it felt only right that I watch a Christmas themed movie to bring myself fully into the spirit of the holidays. I watched the original Jack Frost last year so its sequel seemed as good a place as any to start. It was a joyful watch and a reminder of why I enjoy watching movies like this (crap ones, not Christmas ones…): in no way does it take itself seriously and it’s just too delightfully daft to not enjoy. If you only watch one Christmas-themed movie this year, make sure that it involves the best damn killer snowman out there!

Extreme Barbecuing is a dangerous and unforgiving sport.

A year has passed since Jack Frost attacked the little town of Snowmonton. Sam Tiler, the town’s sheriff, has been struggling to come to terms with what happened that fateful night. His wife and friends have moved on, convinced that Jack can’t escape from his anti-freeze prison and his therapist openly laughs at him when he brings up the topic of the killer snowman. All in all, it’s a tough time for Sam, and it’s about to get a lot tougher. Unbeknownst to everyone a team of scientists with a redneck scout have dug up the anti-freeze bottles with Jack in them and are trying to revive him. The experiments are wholly unsuccessful until one night when the janitor comes in to clean the lab. Being a clumsy fool and showing no thought to the many delicate glass beakers floating around he just continuously bashes into the fish tank with Jack in it. In doing this he manages to tip a cup of coffee into the tank and all hell breaks loose. Jack can use the water molecules in the coffee to reform and the janitor quickly lands up with a piece of fish tank through his face.

Insert sexual innuendo here.

To take Sam’s mind off his troubles his wife Anne decides that they should go away for Christmas this year. Their friends Joe and Marla are getting married in the Bahamas and it seems as good a place as any to go. Even if shit were to hit the fan, what are the chances of a killer snowman turning up on a tropical island anyway? This, at least, was the plan. Unfortunately it turns out that killer snowmen can turn up on tropical islands. It would appear that Jack has had some time to consolidate his powers and can now withstand warmer climates. When dead bodies start appearing all over the island, however, the senile Colonel Hickering who runs the resort is quite happy to blame it all on shark attacks (even if the body is miles inland). Nobody seems willing to accept that a killer snowman is loose in the Bahamas.

It's SO cute! I want one!

It’s only when it suddenly starts snowing and people’s arms are being taken off by renegade snowballs that anyone starts to think that something strange is going on. Those who have encountered Jack before decide to use a tried-and-tested method of snowman catching: trap him in anti-freeze. Problem is that Jack can be hurt by the anti-freeze but it doesn’t completely liquidate him like it did before. He’s also throwing up snowballs everywhere he goes, and herein lies the best part of the movie. These aren’t regular snowballs. They’re eggs. And in these eggs are the most adorable baby snowmen with a cute demeanour and blood rage like you can’t imagine. So now the gang has to contend with Jack and hundreds of his little offspring who are seemingly indestructible. Sam’s also flown over the cuckoo’s nest since the anti-freeze didn’t work. How they learn to deal with Jack Frost 2.0 and his offspring is another wonder that you just have to watch to appreciate.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Jack was nimble, Jack was quick. Jack gauged people’s eyes out with candle sticks.
• Therapy sessions are private in that the secretary and anyone nearby can listen in over the intercom.
• Small cabins can function as international airports.
• The bodies of 3 brutally slayed victims are no indication of foul play.
• Nobody considers carrots lying on the ground to be genuine evidence of a killer on the loose.
• The world’s problems can be solved by throwing a themed party and getting everyone roaring drunk.
• Knowledge of the Discovery Channel turns women on.
• The best toy water guns are the ones that come equipped with laser targeting technology.

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