Pig Hunt

Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 4.8 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Admittedly when I started watching a movie that involved a hunting party being slowly killed and eaten by a giant pig, I had my reservations and doubts and thought that it could either work out really well and be amazing or go really badly and make me wish the pig was slowly eating me by the time I got to the end of it. Thankfully the movie turned out to be a lot of fun but in a very different way to what I was anticipating. The man-eating pig actually has a relatively small part to play in the movie’s action and what we have instead is a Deliverance-ish type movie with a horror movie’s edge to round it off in a blanket of tastiness and gore.

Sergeant McStud at your service ma'am!

We begin our tale of bacony deliciousness with young and attractive couple John and Brooks who awaken from a night sweet, sweet love-making. At least this is what I think happened since, as soon as he stands up, we get an ass shot from John and some lacy bra action from Brooks. John’s getting ready for a boys weekend with friends Ben (the black friend), Wayne (the Indian friend) and Quincy (the Stoner and presumably gay friend) while Brooks (the Asian girlfriend) decides to tag along to give it all a slightly feminine touch. With bags packed and every racial group covered the friends set out into the woods to John’s late uncle’s ranch where they can spend a fun weekend camping, drinking beer, shooting animals and feeling manly and rugged. En route they encounter a group of hippies that have the dangerous combination of being high as kites and armed to the teeth and a group of red neck lunatics living up the track from the ranch they’ll be camping at. The house itself is an absolute disaster with animal skeletons all over the floor and writing in blood all over the walls. Between the lunatics outside and somewhat creepy state of things inside most other people would start to feel a little uneasy, but not our gang. They came to have a boy’s weekend and by God they’re gonna have one!

We have found the fabled Naked Lake the ancients spoke of...

Having spent night in tents and John and Brooks enjoying another night of sweet, sweet love-making (this time brought about by discussing how animals bleed when you shoot them) the two love birds are awoken by two greasy red necks climbing into the tent with them. Thankfully these two, Jake and Ricky, know John from back-in-the-day when he was still growing up and living with his uncle and just felt like popping in to say hi. Once everyone is dressed, had coffee and sniffed some kind of drug Jake and Ricky decide to join the others on their pig-hunting expedition. To warm up and help the bonding process along they first shoot a baby deer with a bullet that explodes on impact and blows a hole in the side of the poor creature’s body. This is followed by some target practice on beer cans and, after discovering that Brooks is an amazing shot, the group is ready to get on with the real hunting. Having found an ideal spot they use a whistle that sounds like a wounded bird to summon the hogs who come charging at a terrific speed. Unfortunately they come charging right at Wayne’s leg and shatter his knee, leaving him unable to move. To distract them from this sad turn of events they discover a field of weed where Jake and Ricky start stuffing the goods into black bags. Unimpressed by this John and Ricky get into a heated argument that ends with Ben shooting Ricky. Jake then runs off to get the rest of his clan and exact his revenge while John, Ben and Quincy run back to get Brooks and Wayne and try to make their escape.

Unfortunately the pig was too stingy to go to the doctor and have his eye checked...

It’s at this point that things take a turn for the worst. Having summoned the clan to go out and avenge the death of Ricky the group needs to decide on what the best course of action is to take. Wayne’s disappeared and John, an ex-soldier who recently served in Iraq, is unwilling to leave his friend behind to face either red necks or killer pork products. John and Brooks decide that they will try to find Wayne while Ben and Quincy try to make it back to the house fast enough to get the car and try to reach help before the clan reaches them. Of course the house is the first place the clan thinks to visit and they manage to catch Ben and Quincy just as they are trying to leave. While the two of them try to make their escape John and Brooks seem to be having a little more luck when they come across the hippie they met at the very beginning of the movie who offers to take them back to his commune for safety. After all, how much harm could one muscular black man with a machete and a harem of stoned, gorgeous females do?

The pig will eventually make his main appearance towards the end and when he does he’s quite a sight to behold. If you’re in the mood for a movie that is just gory enough to be entertaining and just intelligent enough to make you think about what’s going on then I definitely recommend Pig Hunt.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• You don’t have to inspect an old abandoned house in the woods before staying there for a weekend. Just rock up and hope for the best.
• Women are instantly aroused by gory hunting stories.
• Growing weed is more profitable than raising emus.
• Meat is not the same thing as a dead animal.
• Pigs swallow human hands whole.
• Deep in the forest there exists an oasis full of naked women.
• An army of red necks can be summoned, armed and mobilised in less than 30 seconds.

PIG HUNT TRAILER

Camp Blood

Year of Release: 1999
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.3 / 10
Level of Awful: High

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

*sniff sniff* What’s that? It smells like home… Aah yes, it’s a killer clown movie! A long time has passed since I last saw this dear old friend of mine and it felt about time for a visit. Of course when you want to do a catch up with someone you need some time to yourselves to chat and relax in each other’s company so I thought, ‘why not go camping?’ Of course, Camp Blood is beautiful at this time of year: the trees are in bloom, the birds are singing and the forest is teeming with life. It’s quite rustic, there aren’t any cabins and certainly no electricity, but thankfully it comes with its own killer clown built-in and fully operational. So let me tell you how this old friend of mine is doing…

Ronald McDonald after a bad McNugget binge...

Since it’s been such a long time since I last saw my friend the killer clown movie I had completely forgotten just how rough he can look sometimes. Not to say that he isn’t still scary looking (perish the thought), but the way he was put together in this particular instance was quite unsettling. Sometime between our last meeting and now his budget was slashed tremendously and the only way that he could be made was by some fool with a handheld camera and a few friends who had a free weekend. Sitting there watching him regale me with his story I felt a little bit queasy, not only because the camera was going a little all over the place but also because everything seemed to have either a slight green or yellow tinge (I must remember to pick something up for him so he can sort that out). After getting over that I was also struck by how old my friend the killer clown movie was looking in this particular manifestation since, although he was only born in 1999, he looked like he was brought into this world sometime in the mid-80s. I didn’t mention any of this to him since I thought it might bring down the mood of our little camping session, and nobody wants a sad killer clown movie crying over his toasted marshmallows, but I was feeling sorry for my friend even before he revealed his plotline to me.

Even in death my boobs are amazing!

After our toasted marshmallows me and my dear friend the killer clown movie sat down under the stars while he told me about this very bad plotline that he was being saddled with. In the very beginning, before the main plotline kicks in, we are briefly introduced to a guide and what I’m taking to be a nerdy tourist walking along the trails of Camp Blackwood, the official name for the area that the locals have dubbed ‘Camp Blood’. Suddenly, and for no apparent reason, a sex scene breaks out and our two minor characters are going at it as best they can while still wearing pants. After a beautiful love-making session of soft moans, delicate music and gentle caresses, the camp’s resident psychopath in a clown mask comes out from the undergrowth and proceeds to hack the two to pieces with his machete. Two hunters will come to the same fate while they attempt to hunt some deer to add to their trophy collection. At this point I can see that my friend the killer clown movie is a little embarrassed by what he’s telling me, so I decide that it’s time for some steaming hot chocolate to soothe our souls.

Time to hug it out and make up for the bloodshed.

With the hot chocolate finished we retired to our tent and began delicately spooning one another. Feeling that he was in a safe place my friend the killer clown movie began opening up to me about his main plotline. A group of 4 friends have decided to take a little camping trip up to Camp Blackwater to get away from it all. Along the way (well, after becoming lost and needing directions) they happen across a somewhat crazy town local (by definition I thought this meant that there needed to be a town nearby, but apparently I’m wrong) who warns them not to go near the old campsite because of The Clown. Not believing that some man is running around in the forest killing people they set off anyway and, once arriving at the camp and going wandering in the woods, they meet up with their burly lesbian guide who will show them how to get around and where to find the best place to get in touch with nature (i.e. have sex). During a campfire session involving ghost stories the guide expands on the old man’s story about The Clown, informing us that he is actually just a man who went a touch insane and killed two innocent people. Again the group doesn’t believe the story but, when they wake up in the morning to find the guide dead and a clown chasing after them, they need to pull all their wits together to try and make it out of Camp Blood alive.

We awoke the next morning in a gentle embrace to see the sun coming over the mountains and a single bird perched in a tree branch. My friend the killer clown movie seemed to be happier having gotten all of that off his chest and, after a long breakfast where we discussed the intricacies of life and Lady Gaga’s medical condition, we decided to head back to civilisation. I told him that I wasn’t sure when I would see him again but that, no matter what happened or how many b-movies I watched, he would always have a special place in my DVD collection.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Forest sex is best done half-clothed with a piano and flute instrumental in the background.
• Locals in small towns are always foul-mouthed lunatics.
• Memories are usually repeated over a megaphone.
• Why wait for a guide when you can go into strange woods blind?
• Lesbian camping guides are very heavy-handed with their customers.
• Heavy foreplay is often a sign that a woman just wants to cuddle.
• After sex women like to sleep in their bras and jeans.
• When helping an injured person walk you should always support the leg that’s working fine.