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Goth

Year of Release: 2003
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 3.4 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 3 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

You really have to love those amazing horror movie collections you can find at your nearest grocery store. They lurk at the very depths of the bargain movie bins and you just never know what you’re going get, but whatever it is you know it won’t be good. Goth comes from just such a collection. Made on a shoe-string budget with a hand-held home video camera and actors who look like they’re freshly flunked out of drama school, this movie goes to show just how evil some directors can be. IMDB’s little blurb tells us that “Goth blurs the boundaries between reality-driven horror and the hallucinatory style of Requiem for a Dream…” It really doesn’t. It may blur the boundaries between reality and insanity (in a ‘I can’t believe I’m watching this crap’ kind of way), but any pretence that this movie attempts to follow in the heels of a well made film is an utter joke. I am proud of myself for watching it, however, because Tropical Mary, Stygian Mole and the Occult Specialist had to turn it off when they watched it together, proving once and for all that I am very hardcore 🙂

Goth, spelled G-A-Y C-L-U-B.

Come along and join us for an evening of gothic delights. Meet Crissy, the most girl-next-door goth you’ll ever meet. Crissy doesn’t say much in the beginning, but that’s because when she opens her mouth nothing but weird shit comes out. She’s going out with her boyfriend Boone, who’s gothic in a gay hipster kind of way. They’re super excited to be going to a concert at the local hell hole (note to the director: 20 drunk emo high school kids in a bar does not a concert make) where they’ll take an assortment of drugs, drink absinthe and have a generally gothic good time. While at the club Crissy meets her newest BFF, Goth. That’s her name: Goth. Why? Because she’s goth. I make the point that Goth is a goth because the movie itself likes to drive this point home every bit as emphatically. Goth is trying to find other goths who are as goth as she is. After saving Crissy and Boone from being mugged Goth gives the pair a drug called White Light and the party really begins to get underway.

Like, OMG! We’re, like, so TOTALLY goth right now!

After accepting a strange drug in a skull container from a complete stranger named Goth Crissy and Boone seem surprised to find themselves waking up in a strange van miles away from the club they started out at. Goth’s van is very goth, with skulls all over the place and a variety of drugs just littered about in old pizza boxes. Now the reason for this minor kidnapping is that Goth wants to see just how goth these two new goths are. This is because there are apparently two types of goths: goths like Goth, who are more akin to Satanists than anything else, and goths that are really just angsty teenagers who wear a lot of black. Goth has several goth rules that all goths should live by, and tonight will be a goth test to see if goth Crissy and goth Boone can be every bit as goth as Goth. You following me? Good. Thrown in at random intervals amongst all this gothness are several flashbacks to Crissy with her sister in a decidedly less goth fashion, just to keep you in suspense.

Mmm, AB negative, my favourite!

The evening begins to take a bit of a downward turn (or a turn for the better, depending on how goth you really are) when Goth decides to go all goth on people and telling Crissy that she needs to kill some people and that Boone needs to have sex with fat hookers. Why? Because that’s the goth thing to do. In essence what Goth is actually getting at is that you need to behave like a petulant child with a sharp knife, but somehow defining this as ‘goth’ will make it a lot more hardcore than it really is. Boone has his reservations about all this, but apparently Goth threatening to kill a room full of hookers is enough to change his mind. Crissy doesn’t question anything and is all game to go along for the ride, timidly chastising Boone whenever he cares to voice a thought. But the flashbacks keep coming at us, and it becomes somewhat clear that Crissy has ulterior motives for going along with all this and Goth (and her red pleather mini skirt) will have to watch out or suffer the wrath of a Crissy scorned.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Gothic sex tastes better when you have it on a dirty floor.
  • Goths are really leading the peer pressure drive when it comes to taking mysterious drugs.
  • Punk gothic dominatrixes are really trippy.
  • Be on the lookout for gothic drug delivery vans, coming to a neighbourhood near you.
  • Becoming a goth requires more intense training and dedication than becoming a Tibetan monk.
  • Having a knife poked in your eye and pleather rubbing against you really isn’t a turn on.
  • Being gothic is about experiencing true love and learning to tolerate people from all walks of life.
  • Embracing the darkness includes having sex in front of a  gathering of goths and hookers.
  • You can’t be a true goth if you attempted suicide and failed.
  • A goth lesbian’s vagina is a portal to memories of happier times.

GOTH TRAILER

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Late Fee

Year of Release: 2009
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.6 / 10
Level of Awful: Low
Breast-O-Meter: 1.5 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Oh dear, another interesting concept that never quite reaches the level you want it to. Late Fee is an anthology collection of gruesome torture shorts that are meant to come together to shock the audience with a final twist ending. The ending itself is quite clever and, admittedly, I never saw it coming but something about this movie in its entirety just isn’t quite right. You can plainly see what it was going for but the problem is that you’re never actually frightened or completely grossed out or shocked by what you’re seeing and that’s where it all falls a little flat. Pity, because it had all the potential to be a really good movie.

The far more stylish hooker and pimp await the next round of customers.

It’s Halloween, a night for everyone to indulge in their most frightening of fancies. A couple (whose names are not given to us) decide that their Halloween is going to be spent at home watching the most gruesome and disturbing horror movies they can find. They head out to a video store that’s supposedly notorious for the films they are willing to carry on their shelves. The two settle on ‘The Pick-Up’ and ‘Damnation’, although the owner of the store quickly comes in to say that those two particular movies are banned in most of the world and shouldn’t have been placed on the shelf. After much begging and pleading the owner eventually relents and allows the couple to rent them with the caveat that the movies have to be returned by midnight. The store has a very strict late fee and warns the couple that they do not want to incur it. Not taking him very seriously the two head home to begin their evening of terror.

Fetish justice delayed is fetish justice denied.

The first movie the couple watch is ‘The Pick-Up’. This is a delightful tale of a woman who will literally walk a hundred miles to meet up with her next client. Being a relatively high-class hooker the woman only picks the most distinguished gentlemen with which to share her company. This evening’s particular gentleman is a rather shy and reserved little thing whose wife just isn’t giving him what he needs. One look in his briefcase full of knives, razor blades and a dildo with nails in it may explain the wife’s reluctance but, since this is his first night together with this particular hooker, he decides to leave his toys out of it and save that for when they’re better acquainted. Without his toys, however, the man is rather dull, something that his Tarzan loin cloth does little to save. Insisting that the hooker get down to business because he has to be somewhere else in an hour sex is initiated. What he’s about to discover is that it’s a whole different kind of sex and he’s going to meet an end that still isn’t as weird as Tokyo Gore Police.

I'll let your imagination figure out how this ended.

‘Damnation’ is a completely different kind of movie but not at all lacking in its own pleasures and gory delights. Out for a drive one day Justine is pulled over by a cop that arrests her for no apparent reason. Her car is stolen and she is dragged before a less than reputable judge to be tried for something she isn’t told about and berated for not being able to defend herself. Before you know it Justine finds herself at the centre of some bizarre medical and judicial Satanic cult punishing anyone who crosses their paths because, inherently, every human is guilty of something. There are strange wardens, police women, doctors and cannibalistic brain-dead women running around that Justine will need to contend with if she has any hope of making it out of there alive.

Needless to say once the couple finishes watching the movies it’s after midnight and they’re about to learn just what the late fee they’ve incurred is.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Some men are always open to a good brain suck.
  • Some men are quite willing to exchange their girlfriend’s breasts for banned DVDs.
  • Hitchhikers are more than happy to make sweeping statements about your personal life.
  • Top quality motel managers ensure there isn’t a DNA sample left behind after an adulterous liaison.
  • There’s nothing quite like being in the capable thighs of an experienced call girl.
  • The Law of Claw and Fang is still observed by some of the more archaic and brutal law courts.
  • In some parts of the world a cannibal eating a pregnant woman is seen as a viable form of birth control.
  • For hardcore criminals tracking devices now come fitted with plastic explosives.

LATE FEE TRAILER

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Virus X

Year of Release: 2010
Genre:  Horror / Sci-Fi
IMDB Rating: 2.6 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

There’s nothing quite like a movie made to capitalise on the general populace’s fear in the face of a worldwide swine flu pandemic. There’s also nothing quite like a movie made to capitalise on the general populace’s fear in the face of a worldwide swine flu pandemic that fails miserably at its objective. A note to the director: in order to make this kind of movie, where the fate of humanity itself hangs in the balance and our future rests in the hands of a few brave scientists, there needs to be an atmosphere of tension. We need to care that humanity might be wiped out. We shouldn’t be bored to the point where the swine flu seems like the easier option than sitting through the remaining bit of the movie. Just a thought – use it, don’t use it.

I do creepy and I do it well!

It’s a well-known fact that women with enormous mansions, wild ambition and a bank balance greater than that of some third world countries often dream about world domination as a means of further increasing their social profile. Danita Herrington is no different, and she has one doozy of a plan up her sleeve. She’s hired Dr Gravamen, one of those dark and brooding doctors, and is paying him exorbitant amounts of money to develop a particularly strong strain of the H1N1 virus that she can release on the world. As the infection takes hold and people begin to panic she’ll miraculously come up with the cure and be hailed as a hero to all mankind whilst making a tidy little profit on the side. Not that she has delusions of grandeur or anything.

Typical woman! It's always 'I have a headache' or 'I'm dying of mutated swine flu'.

Danita’s not exactly thrilled with the good doctor’s work, however. With test subjects only dying in a period of 26 days or so she’s pushing him to come up with a much faster and crippling strain. To help shift the project along he hires Malcolm Burr, a blonde and studly doctor with a peculiar looking face. A brilliant man with a lot of field experience, Burr thinks he’s being brought on board to help develop vaccines against swine flu. His field experience exposed him to people dying deaths that look more like they contracted the Ebola virus than swine flu and he’s determined to do his best so that no one else should ever have to suffer a death like those he’s seen. He’s also the only person to question the good doctor’s methods of deliberately mutating H1N1 samples to create particularly virulent strains of the virus without concocting antidotes for them, something that the rest of the staff find nothing strange with.

Oh dear God, no! Not the tragic irony!

Of course this whole plan falls to shit when one of the human guinea pigs decides to make a break for it. As a hooker she’s experienced in taking on groups of men and easily overpowers the hired goons and the good doctor’s creepy assistant with the synthesized voice. After climbing through one of the air ducts and into the main lab where the staff are relaxing she’s shot in the head by the creepy assistant. As jets of blood shoot all over the room the various members of staff are exposed to the latest H1N1 strain, forcing the good doctor (who’s been watching everything through the lab’s hidden camera system) to put the facility on lockdown to prevent anyone with the virus from escaping. As the crew become more and more sick and the doctor uses this as one great opportunity to test of the strength of the new strain our poor, trapped Dr Burr must do what he can to either cure himself and his fellow captives or find a way to break the lockdown and escape.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • There’s nothing like a nice bubble bath with champagne, strawberries, soft music and live video stream to a tortured human guinea pig to wind down after a long day.
  • Doctors must do what they are paid to do, even if it violently breaks the Hippocratic Oath.
  • The best way to stop aggressive viral mutations is to beat nature to it and mutate the virus yourself.
  • A single door really isn’t enough security to keep a prisoner with a deadly virus safely contained.
  • There’s no real rush to make vaccines for the horrible viral mutations you produce.
  • The ‘ladies first’ rule can only be ignored when climbing through air ducts.
  • It is necessary for every doctor to have a very creepy, white-haired lackey.
  • Doctors and their creepy, white-haired lackeys should always have a strongly homoerotic relationship.

VIRUS X TRAILER

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Fist of the Vampire

Year of Release: 2007
Genre: Horror / Action
IMDB Rating: 2.4 / 10
Level of Awful: High

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

The phrase ‘sweet baby Jesus what just happened?’ can be thrown around a lot when you watch the kind of things I watch, and I feel that I’d by lying if I said I could tell you what was happening in this movie because I really can’t. I’d like to place most of the blame on the man in charge of carrying the microphone boom around (assuming the budget allowed for such a person) since he just couldn’t seem to muster the energy to follow the ‘actors’ around, so following the dialogue was incredibly difficult. The problems this movie faces are far too numerous to list (I like to keep my posts under 1000 words 🙂 ) but what I did manage to take from this movie is that anything, and I mean ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING, is apparently better if we film it in front of a green screen. I know this was intentionally done because I don’t believe the budget didn’t allow for filming in a park so there’s a stream of consciousness I’ve missed along the way somewhere, but I don’t have time to look for the paddle to go looking for the stream so I’m just gonna do my best to decipher this movie.

Oh dear, she's AB negative intolerant...

Right, now let’s face our initial challenge head-on: who the fuck is everyone? The only name that actually stuck with me is Lee Southward, our main character. Lee’s buff and butch and a cop with feminine dishes, granny linen and a dubious taste in women. Next is Officer Baksteen (actual name unknown – Baksteen is Afrikaans for ‘brick’. This sounds cooler and makes sense when you see his teeth) who seems to be Lee’s boss or something to that effect who gives Lee all of his assignments. After him is another cop that I will refer to as Life Insurance Guy because he just looks like the sort that would come door-to-door selling life insurance. Lee, Officer Baksteen and Life Insurance Guy all share one cellphone since the budget didn’t seem to stretch far enough for everyone to have their own phone. Added to this group of unmanly manly men is an unfortunately toothed female cop. These are the good guys. The bad guys are three vampires: Fat Vampire, Blonde Vampire and Slutty Bitch Vampire. These three are somehow involved in a 1977 family killing, being ring leaders in an underground fight club and generally being involved in drug deals and illicit prostitution. Baksteen & Co. are in charge of hunting down this group of miscreants, but obviously are unaware of the fact they are dealing with creatures of the night. And vampires.

A vampire's greatest weakness is the spot between the nipple and the shoulder.

So the vampires are running this underground fight club with the drugs and the prostitutes and a somewhat dimwitted fight audience when Lee comes in, posing as a fighter, to attempt to find out what’s going on and how best to bring these people to justice. What this has to do with the 1977 murder that we’re told about earlier is only vaguely alluded to later (in green screen). In amongst indecipherable scenes of 70s style pimps, a fat Hulk and some of the most horrible boobs you have ever seen (they’re either on the floor or so pointy they could take someone’s eye out) plans are made with hookers and fight nights are held on the beach that look like a cross between Survivor and Gregorian Masters of Chant. All that I know for certain is that as Lee gets closer to finding out who and what the vampires are and as the body count (gradually) begins to rise, the vampires get increasingly more and more pissed off. Bitch fights happen, punches are thrown and green screens are used in every possible way to build up to the most un-climactic ending whose only redeeming feature is that it marks the end of 93 minutes of torture.

As with Torment I really wish there was more I could leave you with, but I was so lost during this movie I needed a map to find my way back to reality. But I would recommend it for a laugh, especially when you get to see the entire 2 man film crew in Officer Baksteen’s sunglasses right near the end.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • A vampire’s basic cellular structure is made up of fishnet stockings.
  • Breaking into a house is best done in killer heels.
  • Bullets will ricochet off DVD covers, carpets, fridge doors, cupboards, boots and other guns.
  • Walking closely to a wall means that, even if you are wearing luminous pink, people can’t see you.
  • The police force clearly doesn’t cover any dental work that may need to be done.
  • Machine guns do about as much damage as a rabid rat at close range.
  • Nobody can stalk a vampire like a seasoned hooker.
  • Sometimes a thong becomes so buried you shouldn’t even try to retrieve it.

Fist of the Vampire Trailer

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