Blog Archives

Road Train

Year of Release: 2010
Genre:  Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 3.8 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

There have been times in the past where I have accused directors of forgetting to have things happen in their movies. As some form of karmic retribution for that comment I was subjected to Road Train (a.k.a. Road Kill), a movie where there’s just far too much going on. We have angry couples, cheating couples, a haunted truck, madmen with guns, road trips, the Australian outback, Cerberus and what I believe to be an unintentional homoerotic subtext. With so much going on the movie never really has time to explain anything properly, and a truck really isn’t as menacing a killer as the director was probably hoping it would be. It’s an interesting idea, but one that isn’t properly developed and one that doesn’t really have the effect you can feel the movie was going for.

1 minute, 28 seconds in. That's when it happens in the movie too.

I’m always a bit concerned when a movie opens with a sex scene. It gives you the sense that this isn’t a very confident movie because it’s not saving the nudity for later when the plot might be taking a little dip and it needs to keep the audience’s attention. Since this isn’t Dead Boyz Don’t Scream I was also a little perplexed as to why we saw more naked man than woman, since this is very uncommon in the horror world. The sexing twosome are Nina and Craig, and a little bit off from their tent is the non-sexing couple Liz and Marcus. Craig, Liz and Marcus have been friends for donkey’s years and they go on little camping excursions into the outback every year and Nina’s just tagged along for the ride. There’s also a very strong Brokeback feeling going on between Marcus and Craig. Whether it’s meant to be there or not I’m not sure, but something’s just odd between them. Anyways, having sexed themselves out and had coffee the group heads on to find even more nothing in the great outback for them to enjoy and camp in.

After the gold rush part of the outback was sold to Hell.

Whilst driving and looking for more nothing the group spots a road train coming up the road. A road train is a really enormous truck and the kids are pretty excited because apparently being overtaken by one is the ultimate road trip high. Things take a little turn for the worse when, instead of overtaking them, the truck plows into the back of them. After trying a few evasive manoeuvres the truck eventually rams into them again, forcing their car off the road and sending it flying. The car ends up being completely wrecked and Craig has a little bit of bone sticking out of his arm, but other than that the group is left reasonably unharmed. Marcus and Liz notice that the truck has stopped just off in the distance, so they decide to go and have a little chat with the driver while Nina tries to calm Craig down about the excruciating agony he’s in.

The rare and elusive Outback Killing Stud.

The rest of the movie is just a mix and match of ideas that desperately try to hold onto one another. When Marcus and Liz get to the truck they find that there’s no driver to be found anywhere. When Craig and Nina join them a madman appears out of nowhere and starts shooting at them, so the four jump in the truck and drive it off. The truck then puts them all to sleep and drives them into a dead-end where it starts pitting them all against one another. Nina also discovers that the truck has no fuel, and judging by the smell of its fuel tanks it never has, so how it actually manages to drive is another story that no one gives much thought to. Cerberus also seems to be locked in one of the trailers at the very back and lures Craig in there and possesses him. Everyone’s fighting with one another, the madman at one point passes the torch onto Marcus, there’s a cult of sorts in an abandoned house, who’s been cheating on who comes out and leads to more arguments, water runs out, heads are placed under tyres and so on and so on and so forth. By the end you don’t actually care what’s happening, you’re just begging for it all to end.

Road Train was clearly made on a decent budget but its whole premise was just poorly executed. Without all the bickering and the inclusion of Cerberus (which really doesn’t make sense and is never explained) it may have worked, but this was really painful to sit through.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Women who hear other people having sex instantly want to have sex themselves.
  • Being part of an enormous accident where the car flies off the road and flips will only result in mild bruising.
  • Even with absolutely no experience it’s dead easy to drive an enormous truck.
  • Independent women are often threatened with becoming dingo food by Australian men.
  • Women think you can flag down a commercial plane and ask them for help.
  • When your best friend sleeps with your girlfriend a homoerotic bromance is bound to break out.
  • Women are oblivious to things like miraculous healing, a blood-stained muscular torso and Satanic possession.

ROAD TRAIN TRAILER

BUY ROAD TRAIN AT AMAZON.COM

Dead Boyz Don’t Scream

Year of Release: 2006
Genre: Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 3.9 / 10
Level of Awful: High

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Here at the B-Horror Blog I’m a firm believer in equal rights for all. What struck me, however, was that while I was updating the Crypt I began to think that this blog was falling short of this fundamental principal: movies here have focussed on the presence of breasts and female nudity to such an extent (see here, here, here, here, here, here and here)  that I began to worry that I was perpetuating the belief that it’s alright to objectify women. Now I had two options to try and rectify this situation: I could either find a movie where a team of super-attractive women (a doctor, a lawyer, a brain surgeon and a social worker) work together to solve murders without any of them getting killed. Finding such a movie would have been an impossible task so I decided to go with option two: find a movie that objectifies men to such an extent that it balances everything else out in one go. And I think I’ve succeeded! Dead Boyz Don’t Scream (‘boyz’? cuz these pimps are gangsta like that…) is a delightful softcore homoerotic porno in a horror movie’s veil. I’m incredibly happy that this movie balances out my previous female objectifications, because I’m not sure if I could handle this much penis in one go again any time soon…

So here we have some of the plot...

So, the movie. It’s not much of a movie to be honest. It’s delightfully trashy in it’s execution. The basic story starts with Tess, an agent for a select threesome of straight and overly studly (seriously, who goes to gym that much?!?) male models. I’m sure they had names but they escape me. It’s really not that important anyway. The main model that seems to protect the 2 and a half brain cells that the guys share has a friend coming into town and good lord is she slutty! 2 drinks later and she decides to go home with two of the three models (her friend doesn’t seem interested) and a photographer the guys know. When the foursome gets a little out of hand and the chick decides to call it a night the photographer lands up being thrown over the balcony railing into evening traffic by an unknown intruder. To punish the models for misbehaving and getting a good photographer killed Tessa sends them away to a ranch with no cellphone signal to work on a naked cowboy photo shoot until interest in the sex scandal dies down a little.

This is a major plot point right here...

So now we’re at a ranch somewhere in the mountains with no cellphone reception (why does nobody think that this has ‘bad idea’ written all over it?). Our three main guys are joined by The Poodles, supposedly the absolute must-haves in the male modelling world. The Poodles must be gay given their title, as well as a couple of some sort given that they seem to like feeling one another up. They are completely vapid and genuinely do seem to share a single brain cell with one another given that they say the same word (just one) at the same time and don’t seem to recognise a world outside of their iPod. What I found disturbing in this is the fact that they also seem to be brothers – they look alike, they speak alike and they are referred to as having the same parents. I’m not sure which subset of people this relationship is aimed at but the incestuous vibe was just creepy (which in turn makes it the only scary thing in this entire movie 🙂 ).

And, finally, the last important piece of the storyline.

Right, so now we have three studly straight men and two studly incestuous brothers running around this ranch with no clothing on (full frontals everywhere and quite long-lasting) being photographed. The problem comes in when main straight guy (I wanna say Christian – could be the name) gets angry at Tessa for bringing along her lesbian lover Belle van Dyke (I shit you not). It would appear that, back in the day, Christian (?) and Tessa had a thing and his ego can’t take the fact that she’s now into girls. He stalks into the night after beating up his one friend a little and things start to go awry for the group. A killer is stalking the ranch and bumping off our muscled crew one by one (not very convincingly, but doing it none the less). It now falls to our resourceful lesbians to find everyone, try and stop them from bickering with one another and somehow get everyone down off the mountain before they all land up dead and naked.

Who the killer is won’t surprise anyone, although the reasons behind it are a little out of the ordinary. This is by no means a traditional horror movie but rather a use of the horror genre to justify having 7 men running around naked (in the cold by the looks of things) for just under 80 minutes. That said, I feel I have now done my bit in furthering the cause of equal opportunity objectification 😀

No acting skills. No pants. No shame.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Softcore porn = art
  • You should only avoid fully nude photographs of yourself when you’re starting your career, not once you’re an established model.
  • Douche lords are remarkably protective of their slutty friends when she’s about to have a gangbang with his equally douchey friends.
  • Wearing nothing but cowboy boots and a hat and hanging on one another is a great form of male bonding.
  • Straight men in nothing but their underwear are very whiny in each other’s company.
  • An agent’s worst nightmare is having male models running around in the woods with horny bears.
  • Hit hooter once for noise, twice to stop.

DEAD BOYS DON’T SCREAM TRAILER

%d bloggers like this: