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Hellhounds Ft. Tropical Mary

Year of Release: 2009
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy / Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.6 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 0/5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Another day, another glorious Historically Inaccurate Movie with Tropical Mary. Up until this point Cyclopshad always been the one to beat, but this one may have taken the crown. There was clearly a budget to put this thing together and someone, somewhere, had a vague enough knowledge of Greek myth to get some aspects of the movie right. That it isn’t based on a particular myth may have helped it along somewhat, but it’s been a long time since I’ve laughed as hard as I did at this movie.

If for no other reason, you need to buy / rent this movie to watch the first scene. I don’t know why it was as funny as it was, but it involved a small village being invaded by a rival realm. Some blonde female is busy being attacked when the good guys rock up and save her. 3 seconds later she comes in from left-field, galloping like an injured horse (no, really), waving a sword in the air and screaming like a banshee. We must’ve rewound it about 8 times just to watch over and over again. I thought I was going to pee. But enough of that silliness, it’s time to move onto the even more silly polluted stream of consciousness that this movie brought about.

By the gods, what the hell did we do last night?

  • TMG presents: some guys from the Eastern Bloc.
  • These are the king’s men. Behind them are all of the king’s horses. Humpty Dumpty was nowhere to be seen.
  • Galloping horse bitches be crazy.
  • We present, for your consideration, Herr Ünter-Bite.
  • I think the main dude’s name is Quilintos.
  • Nothing says Ancient Greece like some slow-mo flies.
  • She’s spinning right round baby, right round, like a discus baby, right round, round round.
  • Hades will take her as a bride. Poor Persephone.
  • Why Tartaros? What could this poor woman have done that necessitates Nemesis being her eternal prison warden?
  • Spirits will find their bodies like flies find a rotting corpse.
  • Apparently the Underworld’s ferryman is named Sharon.
  • “This semen spawn is not my wife!”
  • The Underworld is now a Cerberus-free zone.
  • You can rest when you’re alive.
  • Herr Ünter-Bite leads from the chin.
  • Wait… maybe the main guy’s name is Cleatus.
  • We present, for your consideration, No Calves Cleatus.
  • Holy shit, how does Cleatus actually manage to walk with those calves?
  • Arrow dipped in snake’s blood = dead Hades.
  • Oh dear, this one’s bleeding oil.
  • Quickly, escape in that vague direction!
  • I won’t forget our first kiss. Now fist me.
  • Sprinkler of the gods!
  • I feel that we’re changing the rules of saving this chick as we go along.
  • Demetrios? Cleatus? Quilintos? Cleetos? Cheetos? Who knows?
  • This one’s going back to his squirrels and readings.
  • Thank you Quebec for making this voyage to the Underworld possible!

A very big thank you to Tropical Mary, Stygian Mole and the Occult Specialist for the 1001 laughs that were had during the watching of this film 🙂

Herr Ünter-Bite presents: A History of Smarmy Chins Ft. No Calves Cleatus.

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Odysseus and the Isle of Mists

Year of Release: 2008
Genre:  Fantasy / Sci-Fi
IMDB Rating: 4.4 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Everyone needs a calling in life. For some it’s a career, for others it’s helping the poor. For me and all the voices, it’s watching b-grade horror movies. When I join forces with Tropical Mary the mission is to take SyFy movies based (loosely) on classical antiquity and rip it to shreds. It began with Cyclops, a movie that hurt me badly since Roman history is my thing. It was decided that we needed to find something that would hurt Tropical Mary just as much, since Greek history is more her thing. The gods seemed to have heard our prayers and delivered Odysseus and the Isle of Mists to us.

I won’t burden you with the entire plotline, because there really isn’t all that much of it, and the main point of doing this review is the lessons we learned through watching the movie. The year is 1180 BC-ish, Troy has been defeated and Odysseus has begun his 10 year journey to return home to Ithaca. Accompanying Odysseus and his small team is the poet Homer, who is acting as the scribe and recording Odysseus’ adventures as they travel along. The story about to unfold is so horrifying that Homer decided to leave it out of his Odyssey. Odysseus and his men are about to come upon the Isle of the Mists, a dreadful place where death is in the very air. It’s inhabited by a number of foul creatures who look a bit like gargoyles done with terrible CGI. More frighteningly, though, is the goddess Persephone, wife of Hades and queen of the Underworld. The other gods of Olympus have bound her to the island for attempting to usurp the throne from Zeus, and she has a number of sneaky plans in mind to get Odysseus and his men to help her off the island and enslave all mankind.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • The Trojan War took place around 1200 BC. Homer lived sometime in 700 BC. To take detailed notes of events, Homer travelled back in time to witness the deeds of Odysseus.
  • Despite being blind Homer can see perfectly well.
  • Despite being illiterate Homer is the only man in the movie who can write.
  • Despite being illiterate and blind Homer can draw incredibly detailed maps.
  • Despite English not existing at the time Homer was a master at the finer points of its grammar.
  • Despite living miles away and the language not having formed yet Homer was well versed in Latin.
  • Despite the fact that there were no publishing houses at the time Homer had publishing rights over his works.
  • Not to be outdone by the Sirens, Poseidon also likes to sing. This is how he controls the seas.
  • Not to be outdone by either the Sirens or Poseidon, Persephone is also known to break into song in order to defeat evil flying monsters.
  • Persephone was a healing divinity.
  • Although the technology had yet to be invented the Isle of the Mists is littered with beautiful glassware.
  • Although the metal had yet to be discovered the Isle of the Mists is littered with aluminium poles.
  • Although the architectural form was yet to be devised the Isle of the Mists is home to a number of Corinthian columns.
  • All Greeks that have been at war for 10 years are granted access to amazing dental plans.
  • Although she is a goddess and married to one of the 12 most important Greek divinities Persephone is also a siren.
  • Although she is a goddess of war with many manly attributes Athena loves to dress is dazzling gold dresses and wear a tin crown.
  • Although the Greeks had no concept of hell and that crosses were used by the Romans the only way to defeat Persephone is with the Hellfire Cross.
  • Although Rome had yet to be founded all the Greeks dressed like the Romans.
  • The stylus is mightier than the sword.
  • Sealy Posturepedic mattresses were one of Mycenaean Greece’s greatest inventions.
  • Although they are immortal and cannot die it’s actually quite easy to murder a goddess.

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