Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave Ft. Tropical Mary

Year of Release: 2005
Genre: Comedy / Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.1 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 2 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

When myself and Tropical Mary get together for a movie night you know we’re gonna go hard hard h-h-h-hard. Throw in a Stygian Mole and the party’s never gonna stop! Since we were in such a hardcore partying mood Rave to the Grave was just a logical choice for the evening’s first movie 😉 Admittedly I haven’t seen the other Return of the Living Dead movies for about 10 years so, if there was any link to the earlier movies floating around in here, I didn’t know about it. I doubt that this is important since this movie has enough of its own daft silliness to distract you. Prepare yourself for brain-hungry zombies, zombie juice, zombie drugs and Krispy Kreme obsessed Interpol agents!

The children are our future.

It’s good to see that the black market is still alive and thriving, and now’s as good a time as any to invest in barrels of Trioxin 5. The particularly powerful toxic agent turns people into zombies hungry for brains and there are a number of (presumably) Russians who want to get their hands on it to make sure that no one else is accidentally turned into a member of the walking dead. Thankfully an Eric Roberts look-alike just happens to have a few in his possession and is happy to sell them off if the price is right. The Russians, of course, are a practical people and have acquired the use of a morgue to do a little test run to see if the Trioxin is the genuine product. Four corpses later it turns out that the Trioxin really does work and one of the Russians, the Eric Roberts look-alike and a doctor of questionable morals lands up being broken open for brain snacks.

A more archaic way of relieving an aneurism...

But too many Russians can make a movie a bit too serious, so we need to take this in a different direction. Off at college Jenny, Julian, Cody and Becky are planning a little rave for Halloween. Julian’s the nephew of the Eric Roberts look-alike and suffers from 3 and a half minutes of intense grief when he finds out about his dear uncle’s untimely death. While raiding the attic at the uncle’s house he discovers a very poorly concealed room behind a very poorly constructed false wall. In the room he comes across the barrels of Trioxin and takes it to Cody to be tested. When our DJ of the Asian persuasion samples a little of the strange contents and goes on a little trip Cody decides to drain the barrel and turn it into a drug to make a little extra cash. This, despite the fact that they have no idea what’s in the barrel, the barrel is military issue, it has a biohazard sign on it and a digital lock. These can’t possibly be warning signs after all…

Even the undead need a ride from time to time.

Admittedly the Trioxin tablets, known as ‘Z’ to the hip druggie kids on the street, do send people on quite a trip when taken in small doses. Unfortunately, in the long run, it has the unpleasant side effect of turning the user into a walking corpse with a taste for brains. The transformation happens faster when the dosage is increased. Since raves are not the drug-free and safe-sex haven that some of us believe them to be a rather sizeable portion of the assembled party goers begins to turn and start looking for their next batch of brain noms. Human skulls seem to be reasonably simple to open so the zombies just go nuts and, since its Halloween, everyone else just thinks it’s awesome makeup until it’s too late. It’ll take everything Julian, Jenny and two Interpol agents dressed as lady vikings have in them to bring this terrible outbreak to an end.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Women are prone to driving their cars into their swimming pools.
• Drunk college kids are not overly different to lemmings running off a cliff.
• Fivety-five is now considered a legitimate number.
• If you can’t trust you’re drug dealer you can’t trust anyone.
• Dragons are getting tighter.
• Brains are now located in the penis.
• Pieces of skull and a clump of hair counts as zombie roughage.
• The brain and the ear have major arteries running through them.
• The human skull has a little trapdoor at the back for easy brain access.

RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD: RAVE TO THE GRAVE TRAILER

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Late Fee

Year of Release: 2009
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.6 / 10
Level of Awful: Low
Breast-O-Meter: 1.5 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Oh dear, another interesting concept that never quite reaches the level you want it to. Late Fee is an anthology collection of gruesome torture shorts that are meant to come together to shock the audience with a final twist ending. The ending itself is quite clever and, admittedly, I never saw it coming but something about this movie in its entirety just isn’t quite right. You can plainly see what it was going for but the problem is that you’re never actually frightened or completely grossed out or shocked by what you’re seeing and that’s where it all falls a little flat. Pity, because it had all the potential to be a really good movie.

The far more stylish hooker and pimp await the next round of customers.

It’s Halloween, a night for everyone to indulge in their most frightening of fancies. A couple (whose names are not given to us) decide that their Halloween is going to be spent at home watching the most gruesome and disturbing horror movies they can find. They head out to a video store that’s supposedly notorious for the films they are willing to carry on their shelves. The two settle on ‘The Pick-Up’ and ‘Damnation’, although the owner of the store quickly comes in to say that those two particular movies are banned in most of the world and shouldn’t have been placed on the shelf. After much begging and pleading the owner eventually relents and allows the couple to rent them with the caveat that the movies have to be returned by midnight. The store has a very strict late fee and warns the couple that they do not want to incur it. Not taking him very seriously the two head home to begin their evening of terror.

Fetish justice delayed is fetish justice denied.

The first movie the couple watch is ‘The Pick-Up’. This is a delightful tale of a woman who will literally walk a hundred miles to meet up with her next client. Being a relatively high-class hooker the woman only picks the most distinguished gentlemen with which to share her company. This evening’s particular gentleman is a rather shy and reserved little thing whose wife just isn’t giving him what he needs. One look in his briefcase full of knives, razor blades and a dildo with nails in it may explain the wife’s reluctance but, since this is his first night together with this particular hooker, he decides to leave his toys out of it and save that for when they’re better acquainted. Without his toys, however, the man is rather dull, something that his Tarzan loin cloth does little to save. Insisting that the hooker get down to business because he has to be somewhere else in an hour sex is initiated. What he’s about to discover is that it’s a whole different kind of sex and he’s going to meet an end that still isn’t as weird as Tokyo Gore Police.

I'll let your imagination figure out how this ended.

‘Damnation’ is a completely different kind of movie but not at all lacking in its own pleasures and gory delights. Out for a drive one day Justine is pulled over by a cop that arrests her for no apparent reason. Her car is stolen and she is dragged before a less than reputable judge to be tried for something she isn’t told about and berated for not being able to defend herself. Before you know it Justine finds herself at the centre of some bizarre medical and judicial Satanic cult punishing anyone who crosses their paths because, inherently, every human is guilty of something. There are strange wardens, police women, doctors and cannibalistic brain-dead women running around that Justine will need to contend with if she has any hope of making it out of there alive.

Needless to say once the couple finishes watching the movies it’s after midnight and they’re about to learn just what the late fee they’ve incurred is.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Some men are always open to a good brain suck.
• Some men are quite willing to exchange their girlfriend’s breasts for banned DVDs.
• Hitchhikers are more than happy to make sweeping statements about your personal life.
• Top quality motel managers ensure there isn’t a DNA sample left behind after an adulterous liaison.
• There’s nothing quite like being in the capable thighs of an experienced call girl.
• The Law of Claw and Fang is still observed by some of the more archaic and brutal law courts.
• In some parts of the world a cannibal eating a pregnant woman is seen as a viable form of birth control.
• For hardcore criminals tracking devices now come fitted with plastic explosives.

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Witch’s Sabbath

Year of Release: 2005
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.6 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 10 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Wasn’t sure that the Breast-O-Meter was actually going to be able to handle this movie. The many rats and hamsters that keep the machine going were just about to give up on life but thankfully the movie ended just before their little hearts could give out. It really was just 85 minutes of boobs and breasts and jugs, oh my! In amongst this breast-induced haze I do seem to recall that there was some form of a plot tying all these breasts together, although to be honest you really can’t expect an awful lot from a movie with Comic Sans credits.

For the Bible sayeth, 'Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live in a neon house!'

Alright, let me see if I can remember how to put the pieces of this movie back together. The movie begins with two fools looking for a party that some random female invited them to in a neon house on the top of a suburban hill. Despite the fact that they are the only guests, the neon house is creepy as hell and it has a butler that can’t speak, walks funny and is wearing a leather mask, the two go against their better judgement in the hopes of having sexual relations with a woman that evening. The one guy seems to have some semblance of a brain and insists that they don’t eat or drink anything they’re offered, but when a foursome of buxom women offer to take them into a dungeon all common sense goes out the window. These women are witches and for the life of me I can’t remember the names of the three lesser ones. I do remember that they are led by a woman named Auriana, the breastiest witch of all. As they say, one thing lead to another that night and before the men knew it their heads had been ripped off their bodies and burned as an offering to some malevolent being.

That awkward moment when a witch mistakes herself for a vampire.

Now of course there’s a very clever reason for all the beheadings going on. This particular coven of witches is dedicated to the worship of a very unspecific and vague anti-God and they need to sacrifice 666 souls to him. The deadline for the sacrifices? Halloween (aka All Hallow’s Eve, aka The Devil’s Night). See? I told you the people behind this movie were clever. So now the witches need an extra clever and subtle way to lure people into their dungeon to sacrifice to this Grey Lord. They decide to go for the most obvious solution and open a very loud strip club called Sin n Skin with a very angry bitch at the door and a very classy clientele of Hell’s Angels rejects. Now in this club there are many, many breasts of varying sizes and silicone content, but the very best incident comes when a policeman goes undercover and tries to arrest one of the witches for prostitution. Not one to go down lightly (pun intended) she rips the man’s arm off and beats him to death with it. Auriana is less than impressed because now the man can’t be sacrificed (something about quality standards) but young witches do tend to get carried away, so you can’t stay mad forever.

The glue that holds the movie together.

Now the plotline that’s desperately trying to hold this movie together like a pair of elastic pants involves Damian (I think) and Eliza and their two friends whose names also escape me. Whatever their names are Damian (?) and Eliza have been together for a while and Eliza’s pissed that Damian’s been going to Sin n Skin. The only obvious solution to this is for Damian to drag Eliza to Sin n Skin and show her just how classy a place it is. Damian’s buddy (possibly one of the biggest douchebags horror has yet to produce) and Eliza’s friend tag along for the ride. Once they get there one of the witch strippers is on the pole and her and Eliza connect in an otherworldly way involving flashbacks that make no sense and are never explained. After the show the four are invited back to the neon house for a party and the beginning of the movie basically runs through itself again, just with different people. Will the four survive? Well, I can’t tell you that. But know this: THERE WILL BE BREASTS!

As a final thought, one of the best parts of this movie involves a cameo by Ron Jeremy as a bible salesman called Craven Moorehead. Craven Moorhead. See? Really clever and witty people were involved in the making of this movie.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Following a beheading witches will often make out with the head.
• A real man is always prepared to knock on a door.
• Real men enjoy beer, chicken and porn before noon.
• ‘Hgrrrrrrrrr’ has a wide variety of meanings.
• Witches have kaleidoscope vision.
• A good Satanic chant requires excessive breast fondling.
• Strip clubs are notorious for doubling up as witches’ covens.
• Satanic sacrifices come with a lot of rules and regulations.
• Some people just aren’t paid enough to be torn apart in a Satanic ritual.
• Witches have an amazing false prophet radar.

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Horror Bloggers Give Back

Well, who would have thought the day would come when I’d be asked to do something useful with this blog? To be honest I’m apathetic to most things, but since I tend to care more for my various animals than I do for most people this was a cause I was more than happy to get behind.

The Plastic Pollution Coalition is running a Halloween competition aimed at highlighting the dangers that disposable plastics present to the environment. The fact that it doesn’t biodegrade means that it can cause enormous amounts of damage to the ocean and sea life, as well as causing problems on land and interrupting a number of food chains, our own included.

So where does Halloween come into all of this? The Plastic Pollution Coalition is running a Plastic Creeps Costume Contest. All you need to do is come up with a Halloween costume made from everyday plastic items that you have recycled. Once it’s made you take a photo of yourself in it and upload it to their Facebook page by the 31st of October where it will be judged just after Halloween.

It’s a worthy cause, and it’s a different way to express our creativity on this most gruesome of holidays 🙂

Info on the Plastic Creep Costume Contest can be found HERE.

The Plastic Pollution Coalition’s Facebook page can be found HERE.

Halloween Night

Year of Release: 2006
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 4.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Two things drew me to this movie: firstly, I’m a sucker for any movie that involves a bunch of teenagers having a party in the middle of the woods where help can’t get to them fast enough and, secondly, after my last run in with The Asylum I wanted to see what they could do when they’re supposedly not trying to rip off another movie. Now despite being released just before Rob Zombie flushed Halloween down the toilet, having a movie poster that is reminiscent of the original Halloween poster, a storyline that is kind of modeled on that of Michael Myers, an irritating Halloween-esque theme tune and people littered around in Michael Myers-ish masks, this movie was surprisingly fun. The acting is so-so, the story is so-so, the effects are so-so and there are boobs everywhere; in short it’s the perfect b-grade horror movie!

Michael Myers training camp for the murderously gifted.

10 years ago young Chris Vale witnessed his parents being attacked and his mother brutally murdered by two armed masked men who don’t know he’s also in the room because he’s hiding under a table. Unfortunately when he tries to make his getaway his mother also decides to make one last attempt at living and, when the intruders shoot her, they also manage to shoot a pipe close to where Chris is now hiding. Steam shoots out of the pipe and leaves Chris horribly burnt and disfigured. Chris is put away in a mental institution following the incident because he was found with the bodies of both of his parents when the police eventually decide to rock up. 10 years later, having now actually gone insane after being bullied by his carers, Chris manages to kill the two guards in charge of keeping him under control and escapes the institution and begins the journey back home to try and figure out what exactly happened on the night that his mother was murdered.

A Woman's Period: Too Much, Too Soon

At exactly the same time that Chris is escaping the mental institution David Baxter, his girlfriend Shannon and a bunch of their friends are planning a Halloween party in a little house in the middle of the woods to celebrate their upcoming graduation. When luck’s not on your side, however, you land up hosting your Halloween party in the same house that the escaped lunatic wants to come home to to look for clues about his dead mother. To make matters even worse David and his buddies pull a prank at the party that lands up having Shannon not wanting to talk to him and, because very few people were in on the joke, police were called to the house only to find out the emergency was actually a false alarm. Safe to say the police won’t be taking anyone at the house very seriously for the rest of the night and, as the evening wears on and people begin to go their various ways, Chris makes his way through the party hacking at anyone who gets in his way.

Excuse me ma'am, you've got something in your eye...

The highlight of this movie for me was a scene that will make you look at lesbians in an entirely different light. For the entire movie there have been breasts falling out of bras and more nipples on display than in a Red Light District, but after working his way through the house Chris is beginning to run out of victims. Angela and Kendall have just consummated their love and are basking in the afterglow when Chris bails over the balcony to come after them. Now Chris has managed to butcher people left, right and center with absolutely no resistance being put up from anyone. Angela, despite being completely naked with nothing but a sheet close to hand, proceeds to beat the living crap out of him. There are punches, kicks and beatings amongst many other impressive little moves, and all while maintaining her hair and without smudging her makeup at all.

The movie is by no means good and suffers from convoluted dialogue and subplots that are introduced and quickly forgotten but I would highly recommend it to anyone who just feels like sitting back and watching a mindlessly entertaining cheesy horror film, if for no other reason than to see the grossly disfigured Chris Vale have the shit beaten out of him by a gorgeous lesbian.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED:

• Crouching over slightly makes it impossible for people to see you.
• Hardcore rockers should be baby-faced and clean-shaven.
• Helicopter searches in dense woods are best conducted at night.
• When deciding what to wear to go and look for the killer it’s best to choose something short and busty.
• Phones ring even after they’ve gone to voicemail.
• Policemen have to show people a photo of the hideously disfigured escaped lunatic to see if they’ve seen him.
• After seeing the photo people will then go and confuse the baby-faced rocker with the hideously disfigured escaped lunatic.
• Lesbians taste like tuna.
• An automatic car is so simple to drive that even an escaped deranged lunatic can master driving in 5 minutes.