Year of Release: 1987
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 4.1 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Jill Colucci – Woman on Fire
Donna de Lory – Only You Tonight
WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
First off, let me welcome you back to another installment from my 1987 themed month of July! Secondly, welcome to my first review to not only feature a cheesy movie, but also cheesy music from said cheesy movie. We all know that the 80s was a terrible time in many ways, not least of all in its choice of hair styles and clothing ensembles. It would feel a shame, however, if its music didn’t in some way come into play as well. To properly enjoy this review, I recommend playing either one of the above classics and mellowing to my usual combination of dry wit and mild desperation 🙂 That said, so far as 80s movies go, Aerobicide was a lot of fun. It certainly doesn’t take itself seriously, so why should we? If you want a trip down movie memory lane that doesn’t hurt too much, then this one’s for you!
We start our movie off with Valerie, a charming young lady on the cusp of womanhood. She’s fit, she’s beautiful and she just got a phone call from her agent saying that she’ll be flying to Paris in the morning to shoot pictures for one of the world’s most fashionable woman’s magazines. All she has to do before she leaves is quickly pop into town to the tanning salon and bronze herself up a little bit. Seems simple enough, but beautiful young women about to become super models rarely have it that easy in a slasher movie. After making her way to the tanning bed and stripping down in a manner that’s just seductive enough without being a tad porno she climbs into the booth and positions herself in such a way that the camera man was instantly drawn to her arse. This is when something goes very wrong and the machine shorts out, starting a fire inside and roasting Valerie like a little marshmallow. After a few minutes of electrical surges and Valerie’s screams everything goes quiet, and the room is plunged into darkness.
But enough of all this depressing ‘woman burning in a tanning bed’ nonsense; this is a plot point the movie’s saving for later. Now we need to run on down to Rhonda’s Workout, the choice gym for virtually every woman in town. It’s one of those gyms that helps the movie’s audience out by only having one token fat person on an exercise bike for all of 20 seconds while everyone else is beautifully thin and running around in all their spandex-clad glory. All the exercise programmes here are specifically designed to make women be as provocative as possible to some of the most cheesy (but embarrassingly catchy) 80s music there is. Again though nothing good ever happens to women prancing around seductively in tight-fitting outfits in a slasher movie, so there’s bound to be a killer running around somewhere. He pops up quite early on in the movie during one of the initial shower scenes where he stabs one of the beautiful ladies to death with a giant safety-pin and business gets a little messy for Rhonda.
Given her, how shall we say, ‘unashamed’ clientelle, Rhonda’s quite tough and prefers to focus on the exercise aspect of gyming over the more dropping-it-to-the-floor-and-raising-your-arse-in-the-air part of the experience. I suppose as the owner of a gym where her clients are being killed off at an alarming rate you have to do something that makes it worthwhile for the survivors to come back. Luckily for her her business partner, who we never meet, has sent in some burly assistance in the form of Chuck, a blonde Adonis in little red shorts out to see exactly what’s going on and why the local police department has to keep restocking its body bag supply. Then there’s Jimmy, a strange and unsettling man who’s been eyeing out Rhonda for quite some time and who becomes incredibly aggressive when she turns him down (repeatedly) or another man (i.e. Chuck) looks at her. As a final measure to try and sort all of this out there’s Lt. Morgan, a complete asshole of a policeman if ever there was one. He’s here to solve the case and he’ll arrest people, lock them up, have them tried and then scream at them without any evidence whatsoever. Because, at the end of the day, catching a killer’s all about a gut feeling you get, and evidence just stands in the way of that feeling.
And what does all of this have to do with poor Valerie? Well, you’ll just have to watch and see for yourself (it’s quite clever really).
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- Everyone who goes to gym is slender and beautiful with an enormous rack.
- When the guys have all gone home the female instructors like to sneak into the locker room and play with their jock straps.
- Rigor mortis does one hell of a job on the nipples.
- Women are instantly aroused when well-muscled men start beating each other up.
- The best interrogation method is for the policeman to scream and threaten the witness.
- Fear for one’s life at the hands of a serial killer is far outweighed by the need to work out.