WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
The Tropical Mary movie train rides again, with the axe-wielding Stygian Mole acting as our bodyguard against the b-grade horror. Admittedly, going in, the three of us didn’t expect much from a movie called Trailer Park of Terror. The fact that this was our 16th movie in 38 hours also meant that the mind wasn’t as strong as it once was and the line between reality and fiction was beginning to blur. Despite these rather significant odds this was actually one of those rare gems we occasionally find in the mountain of otherwise crap movies that I’ve managed to accumulate. If, like myself, you’re a sucker for a southern woman with a penchant for murder then this movie is definitely the one for you!
You know things are gonna get really trailer up in here when a movie opens with a shot of a doily on top of a TV and a woman wearing a scrunchie. Meet Norma, a lovely young thing with blonde hair, supple body and big dreams. She’s gone done met herself a strapping young fellow who’s everything she wants in a man (ie. he isn’t old enough to be her father, he isn’t a raging alcoholic and he doesn’t sell possum and racoon meat). To be honest the standards going around are relatively low, but that’s perfectly understandable given Norma’s humble (and dysfunctional) upbringing. Before going out to a dance Norma and her beau are accosted by some of the park’s residents; one thing leads to another and the boyfriend lands up impaled on a broken fence. Norma, justifiably pissed off, makes a deal with the devil and blows everyone and the trailer park to kingdom come. The tragedy that was Norma’s life came to an end that evening… Or did it?
Flash forward to a future with a lot of missing persons posters in the area of the old trailer park and Pastor Lewis is trying to bring a few lost souls back to Jesus. What part of ‘let’s stick half a dozen troubled teenagers in a bus together in the middle of nowhere’ sounded like a good idea I’m not quite sure but they’re here now so we might as well do something with them. While travelling out of a little town the brilliant Pastor Lewis plows their bus into a strangely abandoned truck. With the rain coming down in sheets they run off to find shelter and come across a conveniently placed trailer park run by a lovely woman named Norma. Sounding familiar? Norma’s delightfully southern, in a tiny red dress and only too happy to do whatever it takes to make this little group comfortable for the night. After all, southern people are known for their hospitality. They’re also known for making cheese grits, but that’s a separate story.
Of course every trailer park comes with its own ghosts, and these ones happen to be particularly vindictive. After killing the inhabitants of the trailer park Norma damned them all to haunt the place because of the deal she made and they’re now super psycho versions of their mortal selves. Red necks, angry Asian masseuses and an overly ‘voluptuous’ woman with a mild racoon meat addiction are the order of the day for our group of misguided youths. As a bunch of sex addicts, drug addicts, adulterers and cowards they’re really gonna have their work cut out for them if they’re gonna have any chance of surviving the night. Prepare yourselves for blood, beheadings and some epic undead drag racing to the edge of sanity and back!
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- Hold it in for too long and you will start peeing acid.
- A trailer park isn’t a trailer park if there are no pink flamingos everywhere.
- If a man is a good lover a woman’s face will actually fall off while she’s having sex with him.
- You’re overdoing a back massage when the spine starts to rip through the skin.
- Many of the undead are trained to use landmines.
- Fresh meat brings all the undead to the yard.
- Proper food hygiene is a highly overrated practice.
- You can pray for forgiveness before you’ve actually committed the sin.
TRAILER PARK OF TERROR TRAILER
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WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
At this stage in the game I’m well acquainted with movies made by The Asylum. Although they usually tend to throw out really z-grade versions of far superior movies this wasn’t a real mockbuster, although if I’d be lying if I said it was entirely original either. Instead I’ll go with ‘Inspired by events from The Day After Tomorrow‘. The poor acting and general sub par CGI aside the main issue I take with this movie is that the title is misleading. There isn’t an ice age! At best there’s a lot of implausible snow, but certainly no ice age. That said, if the movie was good and full of enjoyment it wouldn’t be here for End of the World Month 🙂
So the world’s end begins in Greenland where an enormous volcanic range is about to blow. Our entire base camp has been evacuated except for one fool who’s been left behind to relay information to his boss Bill. Bill is currently stuck in traffic dropping his daughter off at the airport so he’s in no immediate danger but Fool in Greenland has to make a very daring attempted escape for his life. Sadly his helicopter is blown out the sky by some flying ice / volcanic ash, but he managed to accomplish his goal of telling Bill that an entire ice shelf has detached from Greenland. Bill, being a family oriented man, ignores what he’s being told and tells Fool in Greenland that he’ll check the data when he gets back to the office in an hour. While he was occupied on the satellite phone his daughter, Julie, got tired of waiting and hopped out the car to catch her flight to New York.
Keeping his promise to check the data when he got back to the office, Bill realises that the world (i.e. America) is up to its knees in crap. The ice shelf / glacier / ice berg (no one can decide what it is) that blew off Greenland is hurtling itself towards the States at 200 mph and threatening the entire eastern coast. Bill decides to try and get his family, made up of his possibly ex-wife Teri and son Nelson, to safety. His son is one of those people who has an ‘I’m surprised / shocked / saddened’ acting range and we’re never quite sure how he’s feeling at any given time. Not to crush any dreams but Nick Afanasiev, who plays Nelson, really has no future in acting and I hope he realises that soon and pursues a more realistic career path. Teri and Nelson decide not to run for safety and instead opt to go with Bill to New York to save Julie and her hanger on Logan.
This, of course, will not be a simple search and rescue mission. Apart from the main threat of the glacier / shelf / berg that’s hurtling towards Manhattan the ice also seems to have special powers over the world’s climate. These include: tornadoes, blizzards, hurricane-strength winds and the ability to completely block out the sun. Then there’s the human factor that needs to be taken into account, although there’s a relatively low-level of looting and general chaos in this movie. All that really happens is Bill’s held at gunpoint for his truck but it sinks into a frozen river 2 minutes later, so it really was all for the best in the end. Throughout their journey to New York friendships will be forged, family ties will be tested and complete strangers will be killed by giant chunks of flying ice. Truly, a testament to the power of the nuclear family.
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- Summit meetings are far more important than out running enormous glaciers.
- You know shit’s going down when no one at the White House answers their phone.
- Men are very turned on by the possibility of having sex on a dirty New York pavement.
- Back in the day science classes were there to teach you how to blow cars up.
- A good general defence policy includes nuking things now and dealing with the fallout later.
- It’s entirely possible to safely fly a light aircraft through a few tornadoes and a blizzard.
- Norway lies half way between Greenland and New Jersey.
- America, being infinitely awesome as it is, is fully entitled to declare war on a glacier if it feels like it.
2012: ICE AGE TRAILER
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Year of Release: 2008
IMDB Rating: 4.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
Now this is how you do a proper b-grade horror movie! Alright acting, alright plot, lots of blood, good creature, a few boob shots and a mad man behind it all. The Death Factory: Bloodletting (quite a mouthful) isn’t at all frightening and there were points where me and my friends were doubled over laughing so hard at some of the things that were going on there were tears rolling down our faces. There’s also a place reserved for us in the seventh circle of hell because of the fact we laughed so much at the ‘simple’ guy in charge of looking after the monster. I’m not the kind of person to make fun of these things but he was just so out of place in amongst the blood and gore that it was just ridiculous. But let me tell you about all the other fun in this movie:
Ana Romero is pissed off, and understandably so: 2 years ago her daughter was taken from her front lawn and brutally murdered. To rub salt in the wound Ana found out how her daughter was killed by finding a video that had been posted on the internet posted on a snuff site. Not content with the police’s inability to track down her daughter’s murderer Ana begins to trade in illegal snuff movies and the like on various sites dedicated to such abominations under the username Massive 9. She develops quite a cult following and is invited to a bloodletting, a live show of an innocent women being tortured along with a group of people who are actively involved in making and distributing films in several different disgusting genres.
Meet the gang: Massive 9, Cock Master, Rubber Love, White Manson, Black Johnson, Gretel, Gretal’s slave Hansel and Slutty Baby, a delightful crowd with varying interests. While they think they’re here to watch a woman, known affectionately as The Object, being tortured in front of them they are actually a part of a religious fanatic’s plan to help God rid the earth of the vile and the detestable. Under the codename of Big Brother he has the entire building under surveillance and a nasty little trick up his sleeve. You see his sister Alexa underwent trials several years earlier in a treatment facility with an experimental drug that was meant to rejuvenate damaged human tissue and cells. What it actually managed to do was turn her into a cannibalistic nutcase with a nice pair of Freddy Kruger knives on her fingers and teeth like the vampires in 30 Days of Night. I only found out that there was a Death Factory 1 after I saw this movie so I can’t comment on whether or not any of this is related to the first movie.
So the scene is set for absolute mayhem and bloodshed as Alexa begins to work her way through this group of society’s degenerates. Thankfully Ana was clever enough to bring a gun (wait until you see how she snuck it in!) but it won’t do her a lot of good when she has to fight off the other people in the group just as much as she needs to defend herself from Alexa. Things start to get interesting when White Manson turns on her and Sid (our ‘simple’ hero who talks like a high-pitched Sid the Sloth) injects her with the same serum that’s used to keep Alexa alive and in her current God-loving and ravenous state. When Ana begins to transform the stage is ready for the ultimate b-horror mutated bitch fight. When all is said and done this movie is a lot of fun, but sadly not for the reasons the director would have liked you to enjoy it.
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- A woman can store a fully loaded gun and another round of bullets in her vagina.
- There is no honour amongst snuff movie makers.
- Women, even when faced with death, will stop to admire a pole and touch it like she was about to perform a strip show.
- Queefing: verb – to use one’s vagina as a purse.
- Chicken wire, when electrocuted, is impossible to break through.
- Ironically you can put a black man that’s involved in white slave trading and a neo-Nazi in a room together and they’ll get along rather well.
- Anaemia = cannibalistic.
- Blessed are the ‘simple’ people for they control the cannibalistic monster.
The Death Factory Bloodletting Trailer