1313: Cougar Cult Ft. Tropical Mary

Year of Release: 2012
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 1.7 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy
Breast-O-Meter: 0/5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

There are some movies out there that make you want to offer your soul to the devil if it meant getting a slight reprieve from it. There are other movies, however, that the devil himself wouldn’t have, and 1313: Cougar Cult just happens to be one of those. The reasons behind choosing to watch it were numerous – I wanted to watch it because I love Linnea Quigley, I wanted Tropical Mary to watch it to see if even her gay sensibilities could withstand it, but most of all I wanted to watch it without warning the Occult Specialist what it was about and see his facial reactions. While those were funny as hell, it still wasn’t enough to make watching this movie a worthwhile endeavour. Tropical Mary summed it up best: either give us more movie or give us more porn, but don’t leave us in this purgatory where we’re neither entertained nor turned on.

This one looks like he’s missing a chromosome.

Three sisters, affectionately dubbed Overbite Edwina, Flashpoints Victoria and Forever-Lost-Thong Clara, own a gorgeous mansion in some or other unspecified opulent neighbourhood. As three older sisters living together are prone to doing these cougars are on the lookout for young, buff men to help… um… service their needs. By that I of course mean cleaning the pool and cooking them the occasional meal. If a naked, oiled up massage happens then so be it, but it’s hardly a prerequisite for the job. But these aren’t your regular run-of-the-mill MILFy cougars, oh no. These gals are a coven of blood-thirsty witch cougars. They need their young man to feed on / become their mates / offer as sacrifices to their omnipotent feline goddess Calabast. I’m assuming Calabast is the Egyptian Bastet‘s Californian cousin, but I could be entirely wrong.

A 70s disco party is about the break out…

After eating their last pool boy the cougars need to bring in a little fresh meat. Enter Coopersmith, Darwin and Rufus. Each one delectable in their own unique way, they’re only here because they want to earn some money doing a summer job. This will involve undignified levels of shirtlessness, obscenely long shower scenes and unparalleled scenes of the boys sleep-fondling themselves. Occasionally the cougars will be thrown in for good measure, but they seem rather secondary to the tighty whitey-ness of the rest of the movie. There’s some glitter, a candle and questionable cougar effects thrown into the mixture, but all this movie really is is an excuse to watch somewhere between three and six men rubbing themselves along a bed for more than half of it.

So the $1 million budget didn’t go into the special effects?

According to my research the movie was shot in only three days. Believe me, it shows! When you’re not watching young men gyrating in ways that would make Madonna uncomfortable, you’re watching scenes of the Scream Queens that have already happened at least 3 times before. Words cannot actually describe the awfulness of this movie, but if you’re in the mood to see JUST HOW BAD z-cinema can be, then this is the perfect movie to watch. If nothing else, watch it to see the terror in the guys’ eyes, the acne on their faces and their various oddly placed nipples.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Nipples make jets of water go plume.
• Straight guys regularly exchange massaging tips by massaging each other whilst being virtually naked.
• You don’t need soap to have an intensive, all-body wash down.
• This movie proves that some actors don’t have breakout roles, they have come out roles.
• You can only feel a person’s aura if you stand behind them while they’re showering.
• You only need one candle to summon a demon hell goddess.
• Fairy dust works perfectly well as an agent for possessing a person’s soul.

1313: COUGAR CULT TRAILER

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Odysseus and the Isle of Mists

Year of Release: 2008
Genre:  Fantasy / Sci-Fi
IMDB Rating: 4.4 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Everyone needs a calling in life. For some it’s a career, for others it’s helping the poor. For me and all the voices, it’s watching b-grade horror movies. When I join forces with Tropical Mary the mission is to take SyFy movies based (loosely) on classical antiquity and rip it to shreds. It began with Cyclops, a movie that hurt me badly since Roman history is my thing. It was decided that we needed to find something that would hurt Tropical Mary just as much, since Greek history is more her thing. The gods seemed to have heard our prayers and delivered Odysseus and the Isle of Mists to us.

I won’t burden you with the entire plotline, because there really isn’t all that much of it, and the main point of doing this review is the lessons we learned through watching the movie. The year is 1180 BC-ish, Troy has been defeated and Odysseus has begun his 10 year journey to return home to Ithaca. Accompanying Odysseus and his small team is the poet Homer, who is acting as the scribe and recording Odysseus’ adventures as they travel along. The story about to unfold is so horrifying that Homer decided to leave it out of his Odyssey. Odysseus and his men are about to come upon the Isle of the Mists, a dreadful place where death is in the very air. It’s inhabited by a number of foul creatures who look a bit like gargoyles done with terrible CGI. More frighteningly, though, is the goddess Persephone, wife of Hades and queen of the Underworld. The other gods of Olympus have bound her to the island for attempting to usurp the throne from Zeus, and she has a number of sneaky plans in mind to get Odysseus and his men to help her off the island and enslave all mankind.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• The Trojan War took place around 1200 BC. Homer lived sometime in 700 BC. To take detailed notes of events, Homer travelled back in time to witness the deeds of Odysseus.
• Despite being blind Homer can see perfectly well.
• Despite being illiterate Homer is the only man in the movie who can write.
• Despite being illiterate and blind Homer can draw incredibly detailed maps.
• Despite English not existing at the time Homer was a master at the finer points of its grammar.
• Despite living miles away and the language not having formed yet Homer was well versed in Latin.
• Despite the fact that there were no publishing houses at the time Homer had publishing rights over his works.
• Not to be outdone by the Sirens, Poseidon also likes to sing. This is how he controls the seas.
• Not to be outdone by either the Sirens or Poseidon, Persephone is also known to break into song in order to defeat evil flying monsters.
• Persephone was a healing divinity.
• Although the technology had yet to be invented the Isle of the Mists is littered with beautiful glassware.
• Although the metal had yet to be discovered the Isle of the Mists is littered with aluminium poles.
• Although the architectural form was yet to be devised the Isle of the Mists is home to a number of Corinthian columns.
• All Greeks that have been at war for 10 years are granted access to amazing dental plans.
• Although she is a goddess and married to one of the 12 most important Greek divinities Persephone is also a siren.
• Although she is a goddess of war with many manly attributes Athena loves to dress is dazzling gold dresses and wear a tin crown.
• Although the Greeks had no concept of hell and that crosses were used by the Romans the only way to defeat Persephone is with the Hellfire Cross.
• Although Rome had yet to be founded all the Greeks dressed like the Romans.
• The stylus is mightier than the sword.
• Sealy Posturepedic mattresses were one of Mycenaean Greece’s greatest inventions.
• Although they are immortal and cannot die it’s actually quite easy to murder a goddess.

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Blood Diner

Year of Release: 1987
Genre: Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 4.3 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

It’s very easy to tell a movie that was made in the days before the Internet and Wikipedia became readily available in the majority of people’s households. You could throw phrases like ‘Lumeria’ and ‘5 million-year-old civilisation’ around and nobody would have thought twice about it because very few people would have taken the time afterwards to go to the library and check the information out. An historian at heart, however, I’m not like that and I do like to check out the technical and historical accuracy of any civilisation I’m not familiar with when it’s just thrown into a movie. I’ll come back to that a bit later but nonetheless Blood Diner is a delightful slab of cheese that takes good acting, good film making and historical accuracy and throws it out the window and replaces it with many breasts, a brain in a jar and cannibalism. All in all, not a bad way to spend 88 minutes of your life 🙂

Someone's gonna lose an eye before this is over...

Before our tale of 80s terror can begin we first have to travel back to 1963 where little Michael and George Tutman are playing innocently in their lounge while the babysitter runs around the house in a panic about having run out of tampons. Having eventually decided that the only solution to the problem is to run down to the local pharmacy and pick up some more she leaves just as the radio announcer issues a warning that there’s a madman running around in the neighbourhood chopping up innocent young women. Just after she leaves the madman comes to the house, smashes down the door and charges in covered in blood, screaming like a maniac and wielding his meat cleaver above his head. The boys are delighted to see him because the maniac is their uncle Anwar Namtut who has been teaching them all about the occult. Sadly their reunion is cut short when the police rock up at the house and gun Anwar down while the boys watch from a window. This psychological trauma will lead the boys down a dark path of the occult, cannibalism and the devilish ability to make clock’s run backwards. Anyone who comes into contact with them will forever run the risk of either being eaten or never knowing if they’re running late for work or not.

Some people keep diaries to remember the past. Others have their brains pickled.

Flash forward to 1987 and the brothers are all grown up and doing quite well for themselves: they’ve opened up their own little diner and their food is the talk of the town. They’re also busy digging up their dead uncle so that, through the power of black magic and a little vinegar, they can revive his brain and keep it in a jar in a similar way to the demon in Possessed by the Night. Now of course there’s a perfectly logical reason behind all of this, which the brain kindly fills us in on. Back in 1963 when he was killed the first time Anwar was busy trying to collect all the ingredients he needed so that he could awaken the goddess Sheetar, a diabolical divinity of the Lumerian people whose civilisation flourished 5 million years ago. 5 million years ago? People hadn’t evolved out of the trees yet and Lumeria was believed to be a continent that sank beneath the waves, not a part of the American outback! Feels good to get that out. Anyways Anwar the Brain now needs the boys to finish his work and help prepare a Lumerian feast that will summon Sheetar to earth on the night when Jupiter and the Moon are aligned with one another. Makes perfect sense to me.

KFS: Kentucky Fried Slut

Up until I watched this movie I’d never even heard of a Lumerian Feast, let alone knew how to go about preparing one, and I feel it’s an important thing to learn. After all you never know when the day will come when you want to give a bloodthirsty, angry goddess a mortal form. It’s quite an involved process so pay careful attention and take notes if necessary. Firstly the Moon and Jupiter need to be coming into alignment. You then need to kill around 2 dozen slutty girls and use bits of their bodies to stitch together a new body for Sheetar to dwell in when she comes to earth. You then need to kill around half a dozen more sluts and use select internal organs as the basis for the Lumerian stew that you will feed to your guests later. To make the stew you add the body parts to a mixture of chicken stock and root vegetables and simmer over a low heat until the feast begins. You then need to acquire a virgin and have her ready for Sheetar to eat as soon as she takes her mortal form. Virgins are hard to come by so start shopping early. Finally you need to find a venue full of people who you can drug and turn into zombies so that they will eat the stew and begin having an orgy. Sheetar likes to be resurrected during fun gatherings. Bring the mortal Sheetar body to the venue, drug the guests, lay the stew out and tie the virgin up, let the Moon and Jupiter align and recite some incantations. Next thing Bob’s your uncle and you having a living goddess ready to commit all manner of atrocities. Enjoy!

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Killers often walk around with a cleaver in one hand and their severed genitals in the other.
• Brains will last inside a corpse for at least 20 years.
• Ancient goddesses want to be given mortal form in a body made up of chopped up sluts.
• Women see nothing strange or dangerous about a strange man covering them in batter near a deep fryer.
• Women, even after having a cupboard-load of body parts fall on them, will always run back for their handbag.
• A woman’s martial arts abilities are directly proportional to the amount of clothing she takes off.

BLOOD DINER TRAILER