Year of Release: 2002
Genre: Horror / Sci-Fi
IMDB Rating: 4.3 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!
Breast-O-Meter: 1.5 / 5
WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
I’m going to assume that any horror fan and their cat has, at some point, seen Jason X. I myself have seen it two or three times, but it wasn’t until I did a little browse around the internet that I realised just how much some people hate this movie. Now, I’ll admit, I’m not 100% sure I’ve seen all the Friday the 13th movies and if I have I definitely haven’t watched them in sequence, so I get that for the purists out there this movie probably makes you feel like Rob Zombie’s Halloween reboots make me feel. For the rest of us, this is just non-stop fun. It’s stupidly over the top, but the movie knows that and it makes it work for it. For the 3 people out there who haven’t watched this movie, go find it now. You’ll be doing yourself a favour!
Jason’s latest adventure begins in 2010 (so we’re in our old future) and Rowan, our lovely lady doctor, has cottoned on to the idea that this bastard just will not die. She and her team have tried absolutely everything but, given a few minutes to rest up, Jason just sits up and gets going again, so they’ve had to come up with a backup plan. Since he’s too stubborn to die the next best thing to do is freeze him in cryogenic stasis until some new way of killing him can be devised. This would have worked just fine had the military not tried to take Jason to conduct research on his amazing healing abilities, at which point he just kills the entire platoon. Rowan, being a clever female, manages to trick / shoot Jason into the stasis chamber but, when he slices through it, the chemicals leak and the lab goes into containment mode, freezing Rowan along with Jason.
Flash forward to the year 2455 and Earth is in a bit of a sorry state. The Blue Marble is nothing more than a giant dust storm completely incapable of supporting life. Humanity, in order to save their collective asses, have moved to another planet, the originally named Earth II. Every now and then they seem to send a little team of people back to the original Earth to dig around and see if they can find anything useful to take back and show off. On this particular little mission the team, headed up by Prof. Lowe, comes across the Crystal Lake research unit where Jason and Rowan have been in a comfortable hibernation for over 400 years. When KM 14, the sexiest computer of them all, tells the team that Rowan can be revived if they move quickly they do an immediate evac to the ship, taking Jason along as well. He’s completely dead, so what harm can he do?
To give credit where credit’s due, Jason will not waver from his little mission to brutally murder anyone and everyone in sight. He didn’t even need the little electronic ants to fix him, he just needed to defrost for a bit before continuing his little rampage. And let’s be honest, rampaging is just more fun on a spaceship. Apart from the usual blood and gore being thrown around my personal favourite part of this movie is KM royally beating the crap out of Jason and then blowing is head clean off his shoulders. I can offer no reasonable explanation why, but it makes me giggle every time. Then of course there’s the total badass that is über Jason after the wee ants use part of the ship to put him back together.
How anyone can fail to see the awesomeness in this movie escapes me, but I suppose it really just depends on what blows your skirt up.
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- Ugly bastards don’t like being made to stare at an old blanket.
- In the future government officials will eventually come to their senses and outlaw hockey.
- Any woman taken from a cryogenic pod and revived in space is technically single.
- Women assume that brutal mass murderers are hung like mammoths.
- Emotions cloud a robot’s ability to work out statistics.
- Nothing gets a girl a good grade like a bottle of cheap wine and a pair of heavy-duty nipple clamps.
JASON X TRAILER
BUY JASON X AT AMAZON.COM
Tokyo Gore Police
Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Horror / Action / Sci-Fi
IMDB Rating: 6.1 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy
THIS POST CONTAINS STRONG ADULT CONTENT
WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
Few are the times that I am truly lost for words, but this has got to be one of those few times. Clearly the fallout from Hiroshima and Nagasaki had much greater long-term effects than the world initially realised because something is very, VERY wrong in Japan. I’m not scared of gore and I’m not scared of weird shit but if a movie’s gonna have them there has to be some kind of purpose to it. Not here, not here at all. This movie is just under two hours of non-stop blood and guts and boobs and butts. Thankfully I watched it with a good friend of mine so we spent most of the movie in stitches laughing because if I hadn’t I don’t know if I’d would’ve come out alright on the other side. Who the people at IMDB are that think this movie deserves a 6.1 / 10 I don’t know and to show the levels of weird I’m not going to review this movie in the normal 3-pictures-and-text fashion. This is for two reasons: firstly the storyline is too thin to properly write about (near-future Japan, police are privatised, mutants are on the run, one girl one destiny – all there is to it) and I feel a pictorial review best illuminates this movie’s oddest qualities.
In a privatised future, all police dispatchers are required to be slutty blondes who like to dance.
You should always carry an umbrella around in case you decide to cut someone’s arms off. No amount of washing will get blood out of a silk mini kimono.
In the future your fondest memories will be of you and your best friends sitting together for an afternoon performing group mutilation.
The rare and elusive vagigator is a worthy and honourable foe.
Ever been so horny that your penis just blew right off?
I’m just eternally grateful that it turned out to be a laser gun rather than some other kind of ammunition.
For the ultimate fetish enthusiast: The Golden Shower Breathing Chair
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- Don’t visit Japan. EVER.
TOKYO GORE POLICE TRAILER