Year of Release: 2009
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 3.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!
WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
Well, I’m shocked. With a name like Bikini Girls on Ice and an IMDB rating of 3.2 I really thought that I was in for a rough ride with this one but once I got beyond my disappointment that there wasn’t an ice rink involved I actually started to enjoy the movie. It isn’t good in the same way that Hatchet or Trick ‘r Treat are good movies, but rather it is good in the sense that, as slasher movies go, it actually delivers the goods. Rather than a good b-grade movie that brings some level of foolishness to the table Bikini Girls follows a tried-and-tested formula that works. Is it big budget? No. Does it have the best actors? No. Does it really matter? No, it’s girls in bikinis. If you’re looking to kill an hour and a half and looking for some blood and boobs then Bikini Girls on Ice is for you!
So we begin our story as so many have before when a sorority of some sort is involved: head bitch Lena wants to have a car wash to raise money for something. Obviously when all you have is bitchiness and boobs you need to use your limited talents in the most effective way possible and to do this she enlists a bunch of other girls to run around in nothing but a bikini with her and wash strangers’ cars in the most seductive way possible. Lena doesn’t have to do much work because, as mentioned, she’s a bitch with boobs and knows a jockish virgin named Blake who will run around after her like a little puppy dog in the vain hope of getting her to have sex with him. Admittedly she could probably just lick her lips in his direction and it would get the job done, but I digress. Along for the ride is Tommy, Blake’s more down-to-earth friend who can drive a bus, and Jenna and Sam, two non-bitchy but still hot-in-a-bikini friends.
When the bus everyone is riding in breaks down outside an abandoned gas station and will take several hours to fix, the girls decide to set up shop where they are and begin flagging down customers. They’ve got a fantastic trade going on, but a creepy old man who looks like a homeless version of Santa has driven by to warn Jenna and Sam that something isn’t quite right at this gas station and that car lights can be seen going into the parking lot but never leaving again. Thinking the man is mad and that they have nothing to fear from an empty building with 100 freezers full of ice the girls go about their day washing cars and one another in soapy, slippery bliss. But of course the gas station isn’t abandoned: lurking in its many rooms and basements is a deranged mechanic named Moe who has some serious anger issues and releases some of his pent-up frustrations by taking the nearest blunt object to the back of people’s heads.
As the day wears on, several girls and two French tourists go missing and most of the other girls decide to walk to the beach, Lena, Sam, Jenna, Tommy and Blake decide that it’s time to pack up and go home. That was, at least, until Lena told Blake she’d have sex with him, he pulled the bus round the back and was then replaced with a dead dog. While looking for Blake the rest of the group finds a bunch of cars parked round the back, most with their owners’ possessions still in them. When a disagreement between Sam and Lena breaks out and Sam beats Lena to the floor in the most amazing bitch fight I’ve seen in a movie in ages everyone goes their own way to try to find a phone and Blake. When Blake manages to call the main phone in the office and get hold of Lena the stupid cow, assuming that his warning of a grisly death to come is a joke, rips the wire out the phone so that it won’t work. Meanwhile Moe is busy stalking about in the night picking the girls off one-by-one and everyone needs to try to find a working car and a group survival instinct if they intend to make it back home in one piece.
Blood and guts and boobs and butts and I thoroughly recommend it 🙂
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- Slutty bitches will always take advantage of a sweet, jockish virgin.
- Jockish virgins will always stupidly believe what the slutty bitch is promising him.
- Old men love to regale scantily clad girls with stories from their youth.
- Girls think a sledge-hammer can fix a broken bus engine.
- For $5 extra not only will you get your car washed but one of the girls will have sex with you.
- Beware the non-bitchy hot girl in a bikini – she packs a mean punch.
- Nobody thinks that a dead dog on a bus with the driver missing is even slightly odd.
BIKINI GIRLS ON ICE TRAILER