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Ghost Storm

Ghost Storm

Year of Release: 2012
Genre: Sci-Fi / Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.8 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 0 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

If there’s one thing that I’ve learned from the ungodly experiment that is the B-Horror Blog, it’s that anything the Asylum can do, Syfy can do a thousand times better (except for those few times when the Asylum makes the Syfy movie). They’re both good staples: The Asylum if you want a movie that’ll be easy to throw insults at, and Syfy if you want some guaranteed cheese. Ghost Storm will give you everything you need so far as cheese factor is concerned, and it even throws in a little soft science just to make the final product that little bit more saccharine-sweet. By the looks of things the people behind this movie had a fairly decent budget to play around with, and gradually these people seem to be coming to grips with making CGI monsters that aren’t so bad they’re insulting. I recommend hanging onto this one for one of those really rainy Sunday afternoons when you want to chase away the approaching Monday blues.

No good will possibly come from this.

No good will possibly come from this.

What is it in a teenager’s genetic structure that draws them to creepy cemeteries like moths to a porch light? Science should really look into that. Anyway, as you may have guessed, our story begins with a group of bored teenagers in a dark and spooky cemetery – during a lightning storm, no less. Wherever the hell their hometown is, it would appear to be on a tiny little island, so I guess you gotta get your kicks where you can. Everything’s going absolutely fine (guys scaring girls, ominous thunder) until a bolt of lightning strikes the memorial for the people who died during the town’s now-infamous mass-suicide. The lightning, through means I should check with my Occult Specialist, releases the angry spirits of the departed, who quickly go about turning one of the teenagers into a grey piece of human jerky.

Run Generic Background Character, Run!

Run Generic Background Character, Run!

Thankfully, Officer Dad (AKA Hal, father of Daisy, one of the girls that was out in the cemetery) is on the case. There must be a logical, rational reason why Daisy’s 18-year-old boyfriend’s corpse went from looking like the Crypt Keeper to being a pile of mulch in a matter of hours. Of course, the problem here is that they’re stuck on an island, and how exactly would you report this kind of incident to the authorities back on the main land? This of course is only the beginning of the town’s problems – you see, these aren’t your regular pissed off, vengeance-seeking ghosts. These ghosts are smart – why hunt individually when you can join together, form a supernatural storm system and blight the inhabitants of the island all the more faster?

Dammit, it'll take forever to get the Redrum off the windows....

Dammit, it’ll take forever to get the Redrum off the windows….

So, with the angry spirits swirling around the island in a giant, lightning-filled vortex, it’s up to Hal, ex-wife Ashley, and Daisy to come up with some kind of way to defeat the ghosts before they turn the entire town’s population into little piles of dust. They will be aided by a seafaring ghost hunter who happened to rock up on the island just as the storm formed. They will need a combination of a lot of random electrical equipment, some occultist knowledge, Ashley’s meteorological know-how, a lot of salt water, a fire extinguisher, an old diary with some town secrets, a weather balloon, a gun, a lot of jumper cables, some cans of silicon gel, half a dozen rolls of duct tape, an ancient talisman and a cellphone tower if they’re ever going to be able to stop these ghosts. Then, of course, there’s the mysterious old priest, and Ashley and Daisy’s old, but not forgotten, family history that ties into the whole affair…

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Lightning storms are a tremendous turn on for randy teens.
  • The new iSpirit app is very useful for knowing when there are vengeful spirits in the area.
  • Exhuming bodies is nothing but good, small town fun.
  • It’s very expensive to build a machine that’ll let you speak to a storm cloud.
  • Salt water is the best thing to use to soak up spilled evil.
  • A good old-fashioned witch hunt usually eases the tension when you’re being held hostage by ghosts.
  • Always make sure that your ghost complies with regulatory electrical standards.

GHOST STORM TRAILER

BUY GHOST STORM AT AMAZON.COM

The Blackout

Year of Release: 2009
Genre: Horror / Sci-Fi
IMDB Rating: 3.6 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Ah, Christmas. It brings to mind happy memories of carols, huge lunches, family get togethers, presents and 1000 carefully hung decorations. This movie has all some of those things and giant, man-eating monsters thrown in to sweeten the deal. The Blackout was truckloads of fun because it was a perfect example of a b-grade monster movie. The acting is incredibly sub par, the story’s hanging in there by its teeth and the monsters look like something the 50s threw up and applied a little basic CGI to. All in all, a very pleasant 80 minutes that I recommend everyone watch while opening presents with the smaller children. Because I’m a little twisted that way 🙂

I think my talent went this way honey...

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all across LA hell was slowly breaking loose. It’s Christmas Eve and there are quite a few power surges going on followed by the occasional earthquake. We begin our story with Elizabeth and Daniel Pierce, a loving couple living a simple life with their two children, Kyle and Ashley, with Daniel’s seemingly drunk brother Dylan on the couch. Thankfully the earthquakes haven’t effected them too much yet because at this point they only have the intensity to shake the camera man around a little bit; every thing else stays pretty much where it is. As the evening draws on, however, the earthquakes begin to get a little stronger (water in a glass may give off a ripple or two now) and the power cuts are getting a little longer. Of course this is quite normal and is certainly no indication that some form of monster is on the loose.

It turns out whipping your hair back and forth isn't a viable escape method.

Now bless them, Elizabeth and Daniel don’t seem to be the brightest couple. This is best illustrated by the fact that they try to initiate sexual relations despite the kids still being awake and their bedroom not having a door. To distract from a situation that could have been very awkward when the kids walked in Kyle is sent down to the basement of the apartment block to find a vague something in a locked chest. When he gets there he hears things scuttling around in the dark. Upon closer inspection these turn out to be strange creatures resembling a helmet with a tail. They, however, are the very least of Kyle’s problems and, with little time to react, something jumps out of the enormous hole in the wall and makes a very quick snack of him. The moral lesson? Parents who expose their children to sex will have their children eaten alive by monsters. Moving along…

This will only hurt a little. Then a lot. Then forever.

This is the part of the movie when the enormous monsters in the basement start to make a nuisance of themselves for humanity in general. When the power cuts entirely not only are Daniel, Elizabeth and Dylan inconvenienced, but it brings a very awkward Christmas party next door to a bit of a stand still. Thankfully one of the monsters decides to liven things up by eating several of the guests. The guests quickly make their way to Daniel’s apartment (with the use of brute force and a gun) and the group then tries to decide on its next course of action. The loose arrangement is that they will all make their way downstairs and then break off, the guests heading out the door and Daniel & Co. going off in search of his kids (Ashley has since gone off to find her brother). You might think that this is a water-tight plan and that nothing could go wrong, but you’d be sorely mistaken. Dylan, while surveying the outside world, has seen one of the monsters in another apartment block, there’s sulphur leaking out the earth at a rate of knots, the power’s out and enormous chunks of the Earth are being thrust to the surface. How will our plucky young group survive all this horror? I strongly encourage you to watch and find out!

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Standing by your family sets a terrible example for your young children.
  • Women need to provide daily blowjobs if they want their men to support them.
  • Men express anger at their girlfriends by taking expensive champagne to Christmas parties.
  • Marriage problems can only be sorted out after the Christmas holidays.
  • ‘Trollop’ is an outdated way of calling a woman a slut.
  • When an alien’s trying to eat you and your girlfriend the most logical thing to do is propose marriage.

THE BLACKOUT TRAILER

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