Dr. Chopper

Year of Release: 2005
Genre:  Horror
IMDB Rating: 2.7 / 10
Level of Awful: High

WHAT ITS ABOUT:

Dr. Chopper, the green villain in this masterpiece of crap, is out to discover the secrets of immortality. Immortality, however, isn’t any fun unless you get to chop people up first and use their organs to help you achieve this outcome. With a world that doesn’t understand him and police that are out to get him, Dr. Chopper and his band of merrily mad nurses go into hiding in the woods where they can conduct their morally questionable experiments without the fear of being caught.

For any B-grade horror to be successful, you need to throw in a group of boozed-up, hormone-raging college students who just happen to go on a vacation into the same woods that Dr. Chopper is living in. This isn’t coincidental, however, since lead college student Nick’s mother has recently passed away and left him a holiday cabin that even the family from Wrong Turn would be embarrassed to own. Armed with beer and dialogue that only planks of wood can deliver, Nick and his friends head off to discover more about his dearly departed mother and the mysterious cabin she left him. Along the way they must deal with frightened lesbians, a loner park ranger with a dark past, nurses from hell, Dr. Chopper in all his green glory and ultimately a family secret that should never have been converted into film.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED:

• Women are unreasonable in their distaste for sitting tied to a chair at a table of dead people.
• That you need sanitary conditions to conduct a successful organ transplant is a myth.
• Nerds just want to be park rangers.
• Having a dark past means waiting until the last possible moment before trying to help your friend that’s currently being eaten.
• There’s no need to be concerned when you see a green man on a Harley.
• Skin can simply be sown onto your face and allowed to grow naturally.
• There’s nothing quite like a picnic by a riverside with friends and a fine piece of human thigh.