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Killjoy

Year of Release: 2000
Genre:  Horror
IMDB Rating: 2.1 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy
Breast-O-Meter: 1 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

For a horror fanatic Halloween is that one really important day that you want to spend with those closest to you. For me there was no one I would rather spend the day with than My Friend The Killer Clown Movie. We go back a long way and I hadn’t seen him since we went camping together in June at the beautiful Camp Blood. Since it had been such a long time I thought I’d give him a call and arrange to get together in a bad neighbourhood to have a sit down and a catch up. Now, if weird shit’s going to happen to anyone it’s going to happen to My Friend The Killer Clown Movie, so while we sat at a little corner café drinking very manly lattes he began telling me about the movie Killjoy, a movie that had made him feel more like a fool than many others he’s been forced to star in.

...and then I stuck my finger in the outlet...

What a lot of people don’t know about My Friend The Killer Clown Movie is that, while he is a bit of a psychotic lunatic, he’s very much in favour of equal opportunity. When he heard that Killjoy would be set in the hood with gangsters and guns and the like, he thought that this would be an amazing opportunity to prove that he isn’t a racist. Hindsight is an amazing thing and he now feels like this movie has set the civil rights movement back by about 50 years, something that brings a tear to his eye. After I wiped away his tears he told me the basic outline of what happened in the movie. Michael is the local nerd that no one likes, and he has a very big crush on Jada. Jada already has a boyfriend named Lorenzo, and he’s pretty thug. When he catches Jada speaking to Michael he gets his friends T-Bone and Baby Boy to beat the crap out of Michael. Rising above the situation Michael decides to perform a little black magic and summon a demon clown, the movie’s eponymous Killjoy, to take revenge, but Lorenzo & Co. kill Michael before the spell can be properly enacted.

Minimalist seances were all the rage back in 2000.

Being so close to My Friend The Killer Clown Movie I could tell that recounting this acting experience was very hard for him, so I decided to let him take his time. To put him more at ease we finished our lattes, ordered another round, took a few minutes to finish polishing our guns at the table and started taunting the odd old lady that walked by with them. This seemed to cheer him up a little and he continued with the story. A year has passed and Jada has since broken up with Lorenzo. She’s now romantically attached to a man named Jamal, a much sweeter man who knows how to treat his bitches and hoes right. Lorenzo & Co. are still around being thugs, but things are about to go rather badly for them. It seems that Michael’s spell was a slow-release one and has just kicked into effect, summoning Killjoy to our reality and letting him loose on the world. His ice-cream truck is a portal to his own dimension and Lorenzo & Co. are none too bright, so Killjoy lures them into the truck with promises of illegal drugs and discount ice-cream. Once trapped he then kills them in a number of ways that can only be done on a minimal budget before sending their bodies back to our dimension.

It's terribly sad to see a killer clown in the post-stroke phase of his life.

By this point we were all latted out and in the mood to torment some other people than just the old ladies we threatened to shoot, so me and My Friend The Killer Clown Movie decided to go for a walk, hand in hand, through this bad neighbourhood. As we walked along he told me the rest his sad story on the set of Killjoy. Playing the clown in this movie required that he become a lot more gangsta than he really is, learning to speak the lingo and acting like he rode in on the special bus. For reasons neither he nor the director could explain Killjoy now started to go after Jada, Jamal and their friend Monique. Thankfully a homeless man appears at random and tells them exactly what they need to do in order to stop the clown from killing them and trap him in his own dimension once more. Along the way they’ll encounter the spirits of Lorenzo & Co. and Michael, who’ll do anything to stop them. With faces that don’t move and voices that don’t range, our little group must ignore these spirits and bring Killjoy’s reign of terror to an end once and for all.

And so my lovely day with My Friend The Killer Clown Movie came to an end. I felt that him telling me about this awful movie he had starred in, with such good intentions, had brought us even closer together. In the back of my mind I also thought he was a bit of an idiot for starring in the movie’s two sequels, but decided that that was a conversation for another day. After a quick hug and a grab of the ass I went home, but promised to call him soon to arrange our next get together.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • A red mustang convertible will get you anywhere with a black woman.
  • Hostages should not speak unless spoken to.
  • Study groups are best conducted with porno RnB in the background.
  • Year old breakups that you initiated mean nothing.
  • Killer clown drug distribution from an ice cream truck is a major issue in poor neighbourhoods.
  • Gangsta killer clowns use some of the most foul language you’ve ever heard.
  • Lack of showering is one of the leading causes of foul vaginal smells.
  • A pistol can hold, on average, 24 bullets.
  • Women often come out of the shower wearing nothing but a pair of high heels.
  • Some boys only have a doll and satanic magic as friends.
  • 3 people count as ‘many, many’ murders.
  • Boxes with lead pipes often include swords and axes as an added bonus.
  • Pressing down on someone’s eyebrows can kill them.

KILLJOY TRAILER

BUY KILLJOY AT AMAZON.COM

Black Devil Doll

Year of Release: 2007
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 4.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

THIS POST CONTAINS STRONG ADULT CONTENT

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Sweet baby Jesus what just happened? I apologise profusely to Bad Biology for every bad word I said about it because this is so, SO much worse. I came across this movie after reading a review for the original Black Devil Doll from Hell over at The Deadly Doll’s House and thought that it sounded just too good to be true. After doing a little research and not wanting to rip off another blogger’s good work I put every film-finding skill I had into hunting down this piece of crap, a very loose remake of the 80’s original. I say loose because, judging from what I’ve read, the original had a storyline of some sort with some evil doll sex thrown into the mixture. THIS movie, however, is something else entirely. It’s quite remarkable that one movie can be so disgusting and so offensive to ABSOLUTELY everyone that anyone can walk away from it feeling insulted. In a nutshell it’s and hour and a bit’s worth of softcore porn veiled in a b-grade horror movie disguise. But since it’s my mission to watch some of the worst horrors out there I give myself a pat on the back for making it all the way through this one.

How to truly and effectively wash your car.

Heather, our rather busty lead, is bored. After flipping through a bunch of channels and finding nothing interesting on other than cock socks for sale and some guy named Mubia Abul-Jama being electrocuted for the murder of 15 Caucasian women (emphasis on Caucasian – this becomes Heather’s big word of the day and, like any child who’s learned something new, will say it every chance she gets), she decides to play with a Ouija board to pass the time (as so many of us do). As often happens at the stroke of midnight when serial killers are being executed the Ouija board vomits up the soul of Mubia and places it in the very Caucasian dummy (if Heather can say it a thousand times so can I 🙂 ) and transforms it into a very black dummy. Within instants of talking about his various sadistic murders Heather falls madly in love with Mubia and the two begin a very strange and graphic relationship with one another.

You know your friends aren't listening to a word you say when...

Despite the beauty of their relationship any man (as we are told) will eventually get bored and begin to show some interest in other women. Mubia decides that he needs to spread himself around a little more but promises that Heather will always be his #1 bitch and, enjoying his more tender side, Heather promises (after having the crap beaten out of her) to call some of her equally slutty Caucasian friends and have them come over so that Mubia can take advantage of them. After devising their cunning plan (not really – you don’t need a cunning plan when every female character has a bag of frozen peas for a brain) Heather’s friends Natasha, Candi, Buffy and Bambi pull up with breasts thrusting and proceed to dance and wash their car in a very seductive manner before coming inside. After some chitchat and feeling one another up Heather keeps to her end of the deal and goes to McDonald’s where she will eat her weight in burgers while Mubia satiates his lust with, on, over, under, on top of and next to her friends.

Deals made when experiencing the after glow never tend to work out well...

Of course, as the saying goes, once a serial killer, always a serial killer. Stemming from his lack of self-esteem at having become a dummy Mubia decides that he will have to kill Heather’s friends before having sex with them for fear of having them reject him. This is a relatively simple process in a house full of pointy counter tops where every woman is naked and, for one or other reason, oiled up and incredibly slippery. As a lesson to us all, however, the movie does teach us that even when being chased and hunted by a demonic doll if a guy pulls his pants down any woman will go weak at the knees and grant him his every sexual desire. We also learn that once these desires have been met a demonic doll will kill you and make a human pyramid on the Twister board that’s lying in the living room. As her friends are bumped off one-by-one and Heather eventually gets home after clearing out McDonald’s supply of food she is understandably upset that Mubia took it a step further than she had agreed to by killing her friends instead of just having sex with them. It is now up to our busty heroine to put a stop to his rampage of sexual terror once and for all.

A note to myself: If, in the future, your reasoning behind watching a remake is ‘now that we’re in 2011 standards have relaxed and there’ll be more obscenity and gore in it’, please take a moment and think about what you’re doing.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED:

  • All answering machine messages should be made in your best porn star voice.
  • Along with magazines every coffee table should have a Ouija board on it.
  • Saying ‘nigger’ 100 times a day is a very romantic gesture and will make Caucasian women fall madly in love with you in moments.
  • Nobody thinks having sex with a doll is odd.
  • Nobody can distinguish between a midget and a ventriloquist’s dummy.
  • When you get out of a car you should always do a XXX-rated version of the Pussycat Doll’s ‘When I Grow Up’ dance routine.
  • A car isn’t clean unless it’s been washed with breasts.
  • It is quite common for women to check the quality of their boob jobs by fondling one another.
  • A game of twister inevitably leads to some lesbian experimentation.
  • Women should always pull their breasts out before shooting a demonic doll.
  • A regular hand pistol holds, on average, 372 bullets.

Black Devil Doll Trailer

 

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