One-Eyed Monster

Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Sci-Fi / Comedy / Horror
IMDB Rating: 4.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 1 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

As strange as this might sound, One-Eyed Monster isn’t the only killer penis movie I’ve seen. A while back I watched a little doozy of a film called Bad Biology, although that one took itself far more seriously than its subject matter warranted. Having seen these two movies I can’t quite decide if the world doesn’t have enough killer penis movies, or if these two mean that we have far too many. I also can’t quite decide whether this movie made me giggle or want to rip my brain out through my nose but, since I’m still here, I’m gonna go with the laughing thing. The main thing with watching this movie is, before you hit play, you’ve gotta understood what you’re in for and not expect anything earth-shattering. I’m feeling rather indifferent to this movie, but I could see it being a lot of fun in a group setting with pizza and beer. Do that and it should be fine.

Soon to graduate from Lady Biggerboobs’ School for the Pornographically Gifted.

It’s California, it’s the middle of a particularly nasty winter, and that can only mean one thing: porn stars are taking to the hills and toasty-warm cabins of the California mountains to perform a number of questionable sexual acts. The entourage is headed up by Ron Jeremy, who will provide continuity between yesteryear’s porn viewer and today’s more contemporary audience, and Veronica Hart, who’s here to coach the new girls on the various tricks of the trade. They feel a little bit out of their league, surrounded by 20-somethings that are more horse hung and who have perkier breasts (thankfully, not all in one person). But that’s the difference between these upstart amateurs of today and the porn stars of the 80s – they’re here to do a job and, no matter what the position, they’re not gonna quit until it gets done!

Getting down to serious work.

To begin with everything’s going absolutely perfectly. The team’s been completely snowed in by a blizzard, there’s no cellphone reception this high up the mountain and they’re only one of two houses on the whole range, but the sex looks like it might be promising so they’re not too fussed. Using skills that I wouldn’t have imagined existed Veronica has managed to convince the director to have her in the movie with Ron and the two get down to business. During a break in the shoot Ron decides that he needs to get some fresh air, where something decidedly strange happens. A shooting star comes out of left field, strikes Ron down, cuts his penis off and then possesses his dismembered member. Things are about to get strange…

The lesser spotted boy-next-door porn star.

With a mind of its own the penis goes on a rampage, trying to find any available orifice that may be used to help it reproduce. Sadly no one informed this alien race that, on Earth, only females produce offspring, much to the startled screams of some members of the male cast. A highly dysfunctional group of people, the cast is initially slow to react to the situation (granted, shouting things like “Angel has a cock down her throat!” probably doesn’t sound overly strange to anyone here). It’ll take their combined wits, an old Vietnam War veteran and a computer database of every female celebrity in the world hooked up to a simulated vagina to try and bring this abomination down. But will it be enough? And what if someone falls in love with the penis? Watch and be truly astounded.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• The Porn Revolution will not be televised.
• If you’ve only done 150 porn movies you’re still just a baby in the industry.
• Elderly mothers will kill their sons if they don’t give them all the details on the latest porn releases.
• Ron Jeremy’s talent is historic and ageless and should never be criticised.
• Porn actresses are really collegial and like to exchange tips on the tricks of the trade.
• With the correct kegal exercises a porn actress can rule the world.
• A tampon is very useful if you ever need to stop some internal hemorrhaging.
• It takes weeks of preparation for a porn star to remember her lines.
• Strangulation is an excellent persuasion technique.
• It’s so hard to find a porn star that’s also a perfect gentleman.

ONE-EYED MONSTER TRAILER

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Late Fee

Year of Release: 2009
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.6 / 10
Level of Awful: Low
Breast-O-Meter: 1.5 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Oh dear, another interesting concept that never quite reaches the level you want it to. Late Fee is an anthology collection of gruesome torture shorts that are meant to come together to shock the audience with a final twist ending. The ending itself is quite clever and, admittedly, I never saw it coming but something about this movie in its entirety just isn’t quite right. You can plainly see what it was going for but the problem is that you’re never actually frightened or completely grossed out or shocked by what you’re seeing and that’s where it all falls a little flat. Pity, because it had all the potential to be a really good movie.

The far more stylish hooker and pimp await the next round of customers.

It’s Halloween, a night for everyone to indulge in their most frightening of fancies. A couple (whose names are not given to us) decide that their Halloween is going to be spent at home watching the most gruesome and disturbing horror movies they can find. They head out to a video store that’s supposedly notorious for the films they are willing to carry on their shelves. The two settle on ‘The Pick-Up’ and ‘Damnation’, although the owner of the store quickly comes in to say that those two particular movies are banned in most of the world and shouldn’t have been placed on the shelf. After much begging and pleading the owner eventually relents and allows the couple to rent them with the caveat that the movies have to be returned by midnight. The store has a very strict late fee and warns the couple that they do not want to incur it. Not taking him very seriously the two head home to begin their evening of terror.

Fetish justice delayed is fetish justice denied.

The first movie the couple watch is ‘The Pick-Up’. This is a delightful tale of a woman who will literally walk a hundred miles to meet up with her next client. Being a relatively high-class hooker the woman only picks the most distinguished gentlemen with which to share her company. This evening’s particular gentleman is a rather shy and reserved little thing whose wife just isn’t giving him what he needs. One look in his briefcase full of knives, razor blades and a dildo with nails in it may explain the wife’s reluctance but, since this is his first night together with this particular hooker, he decides to leave his toys out of it and save that for when they’re better acquainted. Without his toys, however, the man is rather dull, something that his Tarzan loin cloth does little to save. Insisting that the hooker get down to business because he has to be somewhere else in an hour sex is initiated. What he’s about to discover is that it’s a whole different kind of sex and he’s going to meet an end that still isn’t as weird as Tokyo Gore Police.

I'll let your imagination figure out how this ended.

‘Damnation’ is a completely different kind of movie but not at all lacking in its own pleasures and gory delights. Out for a drive one day Justine is pulled over by a cop that arrests her for no apparent reason. Her car is stolen and she is dragged before a less than reputable judge to be tried for something she isn’t told about and berated for not being able to defend herself. Before you know it Justine finds herself at the centre of some bizarre medical and judicial Satanic cult punishing anyone who crosses their paths because, inherently, every human is guilty of something. There are strange wardens, police women, doctors and cannibalistic brain-dead women running around that Justine will need to contend with if she has any hope of making it out of there alive.

Needless to say once the couple finishes watching the movies it’s after midnight and they’re about to learn just what the late fee they’ve incurred is.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Some men are always open to a good brain suck.
• Some men are quite willing to exchange their girlfriend’s breasts for banned DVDs.
• Hitchhikers are more than happy to make sweeping statements about your personal life.
• Top quality motel managers ensure there isn’t a DNA sample left behind after an adulterous liaison.
• There’s nothing quite like being in the capable thighs of an experienced call girl.
• The Law of Claw and Fang is still observed by some of the more archaic and brutal law courts.
• In some parts of the world a cannibal eating a pregnant woman is seen as a viable form of birth control.
• For hardcore criminals tracking devices now come fitted with plastic explosives.

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