WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
Great balls of fire, what a load of crap! Not one to do things by half measures I felt that End of the World Month had to be kicked off with a bang, so I present to you Meteor Apocalypse. This is, quite honestly, one of the most painful movies I have seen to date; the acting is sub par, the effects are barely passable, there are plot holes bigger than the meteorites and, to top it all off, it’s boring as hell. I actually had to watch this movie over two evenings because it got to the point where I was so bored watching it I wanted to rip my eyes out. Watch at your own peril.
We’re thrown right in at the deep end with this one. Following a brief credit sequence we find ourselves looking at Earth with a giant comet heading right towards us. In order to redirect it every country in the world that has nuclear weapons opens fire at the comet. The people at NSA (the National Space Administration) are fairly certain that the nukes will break up the comet and redirect any debris away from the planet. The nukes take about 30 seconds to travel pass the moon and hit the comet, resulting in a spectacular display as the destructive intruder is blown to kingdom come. Sadly this is the only part of the prediction NSA got right and now the comet is still heading towards us, just in much smaller fragments.
So now we have hundreds of thousands of meteorites descending to Earth at a rather rapid pace and one crashes into the aptly named Lake of Fire. This is just the first meteorite to crash into a body of water and very quickly the water supply becomes contaminated and people start to fall violently ill. Now let’s all stop for a moment and think back a bit: the comet was hit by dozens of nuclear warheads so logic would dictate that the subsequent meteorites are irradiating the water supply, right? Wrong. The meteorites are putting some kind of pathogen in the water and that’s what’s making people so ill. Now, if the meteorites are putting a pathogen in the water it would seem to imply that some form of microbial life was living on the comet. Thankfully, to save the movie from being embarrassed, it never seems to realise this and just plods along like there’s nothing wrong.
Of course an end of the world movie is nothing if there isn’t a family being torn apart by all the chaos and destruction going on around them. Here’s where David, Kate and Alison come in. Alison was one of the first people to fall ill from the contaminated water supply and, in the initial panic, the CDC (Centres for Disease Containment) decided to quarantine anyone suffering from the sickness and Kate, her mother, was dragged along for the ride. Now David, a humble worker for the water supply company, must travel through the country trying desperately to find his wife and daughter. He’s joined by Lynn, a lovely woman he saved from dying as a result of drinking a contaminated Pepsi. This won’t be a simple journey: the government’s not saying where the sick people are, meteorites are falling in huge clumps at regular intervals, gangs of people are roaming around hunting down anyone they suspect of having clean water and, at some point, another huge comet rocked up out of nowhere and is going to collide with Los Angeles in the next 3 days.
It sounds like it should be an adrenaline-fueled ride against all the odds, but it really isn’t.
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- After the age of 12 the legal weight of a pinky promise drastically decreases.
- In times of crisis excessive ass whipping will keep the population under control.
- The symptoms of meteorite-borne pathogens largely mirror the onset of an epileptic fit.
- The after effects of meteorite-borne pathogens feels similar to motion sickness you get on Disney Land rides.
- When a woman starts throwing up constantly chances are she’s not fine.
- Vaccines will either cure you or make you die an even more horrific death.
- Meteors and comets cause auroras wherever they appear.
METEOR APOCALYPSE TRAILER
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Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 6.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise! – Low
WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
I’ve known it for a long time and two other movies have proven it: children are evil little f*ckers and should be avoided at all costs. The Children, perhaps not so surprisingly, has done nothing to rid me of this view and, on the whole, the movie was a good 80 minute distraction. Playing nicely on the evil child theme, it examines exactly what happens when adults have to choose between protecting themselves (and their other children) and following their parental instincts. What I did find, however, is that none of the parents in the movie are at all likeable and there is a definite smell of sleaze in the air with most of them. I think this is what put me off a little: the children are genuinely creepy but their parents grated against my nerves so much at times that I couldn’t decide who I was backing.
It’s a story as old as time itself: yuppie big-city parents Elaine and Jonah come to visit rural buddhist relatives Robbie and Chloe for Christmas and New Year’s to catch up on what’s happened throughout the year and so that the children can learn to bond as cousins should. And then there’s Casey, the rebellious teenager who Elaine had her when she herself was a teenager, who has no desire to bond with her young cousins and sibling at all. The assembled company gathers together for drinks and snacks and conversations that should never be held in front of young children, but something other than the conversation is a little off. Little Nicky, Elaine’s young son, arrived at the house feeling rather ill and threw up just after he got out of the car. Something about this illness is making him rather testy with a tendency to smack any adults that come near him.
Now, while the children get progressively more ill and irritable, the parents become more and more unlikable. Jonah’s only reason for being at this little gathering is to try to get Robbie to help him smuggle traditional Chinese medicine over the border (you’d think there are better things you could smuggle across the border, but anyway…). Robbie is quite content to smoke weed out in the dilapidated greenhouse while looking up Casey’s skirt. Chloe is an odd combination of free-spirited hippy and judgmental Victorian mother. The only somewhat likeable people are Casey and Elaine, mainly because they behave in a way that is fitting for their characters. While all of this is panning out and the family cat has mysteriously disappeared, the children have some nasty surprises waiting up their tiny little sleeves.
Parents, bless them, never believe that their children have the capability and innocent appearance to do the devil’s work. This inability to believe in the innate evil of children is what leads to the first ‘accident’ in our little tale: Robbie going down a hill on a snow sledge face first into a rake. The police can’t get there fast enough because of the snow blocking the roads and now the kids are off running around in the forest surrounding the house. But even as the kids become more assertive in their attacks and more violent in their attempts to be rid of their parents the adults are still unwilling to accept what is happening, with Chloe and Jonah being exceptionally irritating on the matter. Only Casey seems to understand entirely what is happening and it is her mission to protect her mother from her baby brother and his cousins. This will be no simple task since children are quick and tiny and difficult to catch while adults are big and strong and capable of throwing you across the room.
Can Casey save the day and make it to the party she wants to attend? Can traditional family values win in a situation where children are trying to kill you? All these answers and more when you watch The Children!
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- Blonde girls are vindictively manipulative from a very early age.
- If your child is vomiting up what looks like frog’s eggs, run – it’s a sure sign that they will try to kill you.
- Morals are subjective – just because you want to bang your niece doesn’t mean that you find smuggling Chinese drugs appropriate.
- As a parent killing your one child because it was trying to kill your other child is a real catch 22 situation and you will be judged no matter what you do.
- Never wear boots when climbing a jungle gym. You will get hurt.
- Dolls are a great weapon if you can imbed them in someone’s abdomen.
THE CHILDREN TRAILER
Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 4.8 / 10
Level of Awful: Low
WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
Welcome to Plague Town, adult population +- 20, bat-shit crazy children 1000+. Rather than being on my usual mission to watch awful movies I decided to give this one a viewing because I felt like a little break from the normal absurdity and I’d heard some good things about the movie. For the most part those things were right, and this is by no means a bad movie. Why I’ve ranked it as ‘Low’ in terms of its Level of Awful is that there’s just that little something that’s missing from it, something I put down to the characters (or, rather, the actors portraying the characters). The problem isn’t that the acting is bad or that the characters don’t interact properly with one another, but rather that there just isn’t any power behind them and for that reason you don’t really connect with them or end up caring what happens to them. That said everything else in this movie is very decent: the kids are genuinely creepy, the kills are creative at times and the atmosphere in general is quite suspenseful. In the end it’s a very watchable but ultimately forgettable movie.
Meet the Monohans, an American family who’ve come to Ireland to discover their ancestral roots. The family is made up of Jerry, the dad with a bad back, Annette, Jerry’s soon to be newer model wife, Jessica, Jerry’s blonde and bitchy eldest daughter, Molly, Jerry’s younger mentally disturbed daughter, and Robin, Jessica’s English boyfriend of 3 days. The purpose of this little holiday was for the girls to get to know Annette better before the wedding day, although neither girl seems to share their father’s interest in making this little family unit function properly. As they wander the beautifully scenic Irish countryside they meet up with an old man digging a grave, who takes an instant shining to Molly. Not interested in the advances of an 80-year-old the family decides to find their own way back to the road where, along the way, fights are had, tantrums are thrown and people walk off into the dewy afternoon in a bitter attempt to show that this holiday is by no means fun. This becomes a problem when everyone spends so much time looking for Jessica that they miss the last bus back to town, and things start to become very creepy when the sun goes down.
Something is very wrong with the children in this seemingly idyllic Irish hamlet and 14 years ago the whole town went to hell. For a while it seems the town had been suffering a series of abnormal births leading the women of the town to produce horrifically deformed children. Convinced that this is the work of the Devil the local vicar has taken to shooting the children as soon as they are born in an attempt to keep Satan at bay. It all goes wrong one night when a new father decides that enough is enough and that the children can no longer be blamed and he kills the vicar and from there it seems that the town’s women continued to give birth to their little precious monstrosities. Back in the present and all grown up the children have been raised on an odd mixture of Catholicism and being allowed to kill any out of towners they come across, something that they do very well with a delightfully creepy giggle.
Unaware of the oddities surrounding them in the woods our family decides to take shelter in an abandoned car that they find on the outskirts of town. Several more hissy fits are thrown and one by one people leave to go and find a telephone, leaving Molly and Annette in the car. Unfortunately the children aren’t the only thing that the group needs to be careful of since the older and unmutated generation of people in this town have plans of their own: wanting to keep their families safe but also wanting to rid the town of the birth defects they capture anyone they find from the outside, referring to them as ‘clean seeds’. Effectively what they have going on is a breeding program that aims to rid the town of its problems by introducing clean, fresh blood into the mixture. Understandably not everyone is keen on this idea and must be taken by force when they become unwilling sexual partners. The ultimate in creepiness here is Rosemary, a good girl with taped on eyes and a propensity to hang people from trees by their noses. As the children are summoned to the attack Molly must find a way to save her family and try and get them out of this little hamlet of hell before it’s too late.
We saw it in Wicked Little Things and we’ve seen it here as well: children are evil and best avoided 🙂
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- You can’t tell someone that they’re interesting after knowing them for only 3 days.
- It’s never too cold to have sex outside.
- Sisters get jealous when one is allowed to spontaneously hallucinate while the other isn’t.
- Just because a man shoots your boyfriend in the face with a shotgun it doesn’t mean that he wants to hurt you.
- You should try and sleep when creepy babies are crying in the woods.
- Mutant children are very shy. That’s why they kill and eat people.
- Some people are of the opinion that a cup of tea is the perfect cure for being shot in the face.
PLAGUE TOWN TRAILER