11/11/11

Year of Release: 2011
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 2.6 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 0 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

As someone with siblings, I know how important it is that all children should be dealt with fairly and equally. Because of that, I knew I couldn’t watch 12/12/12 and just ignore its slightly older sibling, hence me suffering through 11/11/11. I will say that this movie isn’t as ludicrously put together as 12/12/12, but oddly enough that isn’t actually a saving grace for this film. Whilst 12/12/12 was so bad that I was reduced to laughing like a crazy person, 11/11/11 is nothing more than an hour-and-a-half of tedium that makes you want to bash your head against the wall. As the Asylum’s answer to 11-11-11 (see how clever they were in making sure the name of the movie was different), this movie combines elements of The Shining, The Omen, Misery, and any number of possessed children films, but sadly does not have the budget or the people with the technical know-how to pull any of it off. I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone who may be prone to throwing things at TV sets when a movie becomes frustrating.

Yep, we got demon ‘coons…

The Vales are just the most wonderfully dull family you’ve ever met. Jack, the dad, is a professor of something and is moving his family to a new town to take up a job at the local university. Melissa, the mom, is decidedly bland and doesn’t really contribute much to the film outside of her ability to run to things, look shocked, and then run back. Nat, their son, is (partially) mute and doesn’t do an awful lot of talking. Why? I don’t know, but apparently it adds to the suspense and the DOOM! that’s about to rain down on all of us. What the name of the town they’ve moved to is I don’t know either, but as a general warning just don’t go there. Everyone’s a Stepford Paedophile and, somehow, Nat’s the only kid in town, so you can imagine how they’re all flocking to see him…

That’s a mighty sharp fence you have there…

After the family’s moved in it quickly becomes apparent that they have a little problem: along with the Stepford Paedophiles, they also have a run-of-the-mill Crazy Cat Lady living next door who seems more than a little interested in the fact that Nat will be 11 on the 11th of November 2011. She also seems to be quite free in handing out poisoned lemonade. Then there’s Nat’s Nanny, the poor man’s Megan Fox, who seems to be quite comfortable showing Nat the best way to set a butterfly on fire and how to do malicious damage to private property. Not that Jack notices any of this: he’s too busy hiring nurses to look after his pregnant with pre-eclampsia wife and working at the town’s one-room university. And then there’s all the townsfolk who keep staring through the windows and getting together in the back of the minivan…

Bitch! This isn’t The Asylum’s best nanny race!

So what has all of this got to do with the price of eggs? The Lord alone knows, but therein seems to lie the problem. It would appear that the entire town’s population of 7 are Satanists, and due to his birth date and some bizarre prophecy I wasn’t paying attention to back in 2011 Nat is going to be Satan’s ticket into our world. Whilst the towns people represent the forces of evil, the Crazy Cat Lady represents the forces of good: if she manages to kill Nat before his birthday, the apparently not so omnipotent Devil can’t take over the world, but if she fails to kill him its all going to get a bit hairy for us down here. It’s all up to Jack to try and save the world and his son, which to be quite frank means that we’re probably all boned. Melissa will contribute to this battle by moaning a lot and occasionally slapping her nurse, but ultimately it all comes down to Nat. Can an 11-year-old partially mute kid with clear anger issues ward off the Devil himself? Which and be underwhelmed to find out!

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Families bond best when they run down an opossum/cat hybrid.
• Little orange tabby cats can freely change their sex at will.
• Demon spawn are far more accurate than any pregnancy test on the market.
• Painting gutters is always easier when you use a hammer.
• It’s quite common for doctors to drug a woman in early pregnancy up to the eye balls.
• In their attempts to get new jobs, prospective nannies are more than willing to kill off the competition.
• Butterflies are highly flammable creatures.
• Apocalyptic prophecies are now being distributed as children’s books – because it’s never too early to know when the world’s gonna end.
• Giving a child cereal is a decent punishment for walking around the house with a butcher’s knife.
• Small-town cults usually hold their meetings in mini vans.
• Nothing is more powerful than a mother’s drug-addled, demented frenzy.

11/11/11 TRAILER

BUY 11/11/11 AT AMAZON.COM

Seance: The Summoning

Year of Release: 2011
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.2 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 0.5 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

First off, I’d like to apologise for my recent silence and lack of reviews. I’m in a mad, desperate rush to submit my MA dissertation before the end of the year, and my guess is that it’s gonna get a whole lot worse before it gets better, but I’m gonna try to update things as often as possible. All work and no play makes James a dull boy, after all 😉

Anyways, what to say about Seance: The Summoning. In all the years I’ve been watching shitty horror I’ve never come across a movie quite like this one. To say that it was a rollercoaster to watch is an understatement, and at no point did I ever know how to feel about what I was watching. It’s either one of the most bigoted movies against Christianity ever made, or it’s one of the greatest pieces of Christian propaganda that’s not so cleverly masquerading as a horror movie. At points it’s painful to watch, other times it’s a fun b-movie, and there are also times when you feel it’s pulling itself together nicely. The actors seemed to learn how to act as they went along, so on that front it starts painfully and ends somewhere that’s slightly above average. On the whole I really just don’t know how to feel, but for putting me through so many ups and downs I declare it to be a High Level of Awful. Take that movie crew et al.!

OK, who forgot to pack the malevolent spirit?

Sara is a delightful born again Christian girl who just wants to make the world a better place through Christ’s love. To do this, she’s going to help her friend Eva out with a seance. Because Jesus wants you to summon up the spirits of the damned. Eva comes from a long line of psychic mediums who have perfected their craft over the generations. Her grandmother was burned as a witch by the Catholic Church, but those were less tolerant times and you make do with the hand you’ve been dealt. While the two girlfriends are sitting in a park chatting about life Eva decides to give Sara a tarot card reading. What follows is the most vague and subjective insight into the nether realms you’ve ever heard, but it serves to inform us that, before being reborn, Sara was a very, VERY bad girl. Not that that should come back to haunt her or anything later on…

“Have a seance” you said. “It’ll be fun!” you said. Stupid bitch.

The girls meet up with Joey and Marcus in the park, whereupon they hatch this ingenious plan: they’ll drive a hearse to the morgue for uncollected bodies (hobos, druggies, prostitutes etc., so you know these are some angry spirits) and hold a seance after they’ve inspected the corpse freezer. Joey, in addition to being a security guard at said morgue, is busy doing his unspecified degree in something paranormal and wants to record Eva contacting the dead. Marcus is a stone cold atheist and is only tagging along because a) he wants to bang Lisa and b) if Eva can’t summon up a spirit, she has to dance in a bikini at all of his DJ gigs for a specified amount of time that I can’t quite recall. I reiterate: awesome plan guys!

Now you might experience a slight sensation of extreme agony…

Now, as every reasonable person knows, it’s never a party until someone goes home devastated. In the process of summoning the dead it comes out that Marcus isn’t so much an atheist as he is a closeted psychic. It explains so much really. With the secret out and his friends telling him that it’s OK, that they don’t care if he’s interested in talking to the dead, and that there’s nothing to be ashamed of because he was born that way, the resident evil spirit (see what I did there?) sees a soft target and possesses him. Armed with the powers of hell and an ability to roll his ‘r’s with such power it would intimidate the most hardened latino, Marcus is intent on controlling the whole world. It’ll be up to Eva and Sara to use a concoction of psychic power and Christianity (and a little rubber tubing) to banish this evil back to the hole it crawled out of.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• No seance is complete without some Satanic apple juice.
• Satan has his own brand of seance-ready candles.
• Blondes think that a red flashing light is the highest form of security for a building.
• Sending a woman with a camera to a toilet next to the corpse freezer in a morgue is an excellent way to come on to her.
• Why does a morgue for unclaimed bodies need a family waiting area?
• Good Christian girls have a really powerful right hook.
• There’s nothing more unattractive than a closeted spirit channeler.
• There’s no high quite as good as an embalming fluid high.
• Demons are trained to be back up strippers in case times get tough in Hell.
• Never tell a demon your secrets – he’ll be running all over town airing your dirty laundry.
• In the event of friend’s demonic possession, sex is your best weapon against them.

SEANCE: THE SUMMONING TRAILER

BUY SEANCE: THE SUMMONING AT AMAZON.COM

Kinky Killers

Year of Release: 2007
Genre: Crime / Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.6 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 4 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

The combination of a title like Kinky Killers and this movie’s DVD cover lulled me into a false sense of security so far as the levels of promised b-grade fun were concerned. It suffers from numerous problems in its execution, not least of which is the fact that the killer is neither the primary focus of the film, nor does he do anything particularly kinky. Other issues include the director’s ‘all over the place’ approach to making the movie, entire scenes where nothing makes sense and entirely different scenes that add nothing to the plot. This is not one of those movies that I would recommend to the truly hardened b-movie fan only; I wouldn’t recommend this movie to anyone. It’s not fun at all, just 85 minutes of non-stop randomness and the occasional display of oddly shaped breasts.

I don’t think I like this game anymore…

How to even try and explain this movie…  Well, the general idea is that a number of blonde victims are turning up around the city with various body parts missing. Along with the affirmatively borrowed body parts each victim also has a mysterious tattoo inked into their skin. Two policemen are assigned to the case, but owing to their general approach of screaming at witnesses and breaking down random doors they don’t really get anything useful out of the people they interview. Throw in several psychologists, a few strippers, many useless bible quotes and the use of big words where it’s painfully clear that nobody understands what the hell they’re saying and you’ve basically got the premise of this movie. I wish I could say more about it, but the plot is just too hopelessly convoluted to do anything useful with it.

Even just recalling it fills me with a mild rage…

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Wives don’t usually want to hear about the gruesomely dismembered bodies their husbands recently saw.
• Part of police protocol dictates that everyone on the force be given enough hookers to have sex with.
• Females lawyers often double up as strippers.
• Police brutality gets cases solved.
• Police are fully within their right to break down a door and handcuff you when they need to ask a few questions.
• Suspects in murder trials have to promise the police that they won’t kill anymore bitches.
• Jesus was crucified in Sodom in Egypt.
• When divorce just won’t do, you need your marriage to be extremely terminated.
• Solving a mystery is easier if you do it while having sex.
• Psychologists can steal a person’s multiple personalities and give them to someone else.

KINKY KILLERS TRAILER

BUY KINKY KILLERS AT AMAZON.COM

Witch’s Sabbath

Year of Release: 2005
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.6 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 10 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Wasn’t sure that the Breast-O-Meter was actually going to be able to handle this movie. The many rats and hamsters that keep the machine going were just about to give up on life but thankfully the movie ended just before their little hearts could give out. It really was just 85 minutes of boobs and breasts and jugs, oh my! In amongst this breast-induced haze I do seem to recall that there was some form of a plot tying all these breasts together, although to be honest you really can’t expect an awful lot from a movie with Comic Sans credits.

For the Bible sayeth, 'Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live in a neon house!'

Alright, let me see if I can remember how to put the pieces of this movie back together. The movie begins with two fools looking for a party that some random female invited them to in a neon house on the top of a suburban hill. Despite the fact that they are the only guests, the neon house is creepy as hell and it has a butler that can’t speak, walks funny and is wearing a leather mask, the two go against their better judgement in the hopes of having sexual relations with a woman that evening. The one guy seems to have some semblance of a brain and insists that they don’t eat or drink anything they’re offered, but when a foursome of buxom women offer to take them into a dungeon all common sense goes out the window. These women are witches and for the life of me I can’t remember the names of the three lesser ones. I do remember that they are led by a woman named Auriana, the breastiest witch of all. As they say, one thing lead to another that night and before the men knew it their heads had been ripped off their bodies and burned as an offering to some malevolent being.

That awkward moment when a witch mistakes herself for a vampire.

Now of course there’s a very clever reason for all the beheadings going on. This particular coven of witches is dedicated to the worship of a very unspecific and vague anti-God and they need to sacrifice 666 souls to him. The deadline for the sacrifices? Halloween (aka All Hallow’s Eve, aka The Devil’s Night). See? I told you the people behind this movie were clever. So now the witches need an extra clever and subtle way to lure people into their dungeon to sacrifice to this Grey Lord. They decide to go for the most obvious solution and open a very loud strip club called Sin n Skin with a very angry bitch at the door and a very classy clientele of Hell’s Angels rejects. Now in this club there are many, many breasts of varying sizes and silicone content, but the very best incident comes when a policeman goes undercover and tries to arrest one of the witches for prostitution. Not one to go down lightly (pun intended) she rips the man’s arm off and beats him to death with it. Auriana is less than impressed because now the man can’t be sacrificed (something about quality standards) but young witches do tend to get carried away, so you can’t stay mad forever.

The glue that holds the movie together.

Now the plotline that’s desperately trying to hold this movie together like a pair of elastic pants involves Damian (I think) and Eliza and their two friends whose names also escape me. Whatever their names are Damian (?) and Eliza have been together for a while and Eliza’s pissed that Damian’s been going to Sin n Skin. The only obvious solution to this is for Damian to drag Eliza to Sin n Skin and show her just how classy a place it is. Damian’s buddy (possibly one of the biggest douchebags horror has yet to produce) and Eliza’s friend tag along for the ride. Once they get there one of the witch strippers is on the pole and her and Eliza connect in an otherworldly way involving flashbacks that make no sense and are never explained. After the show the four are invited back to the neon house for a party and the beginning of the movie basically runs through itself again, just with different people. Will the four survive? Well, I can’t tell you that. But know this: THERE WILL BE BREASTS!

As a final thought, one of the best parts of this movie involves a cameo by Ron Jeremy as a bible salesman called Craven Moorehead. Craven Moorhead. See? Really clever and witty people were involved in the making of this movie.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Following a beheading witches will often make out with the head.
• A real man is always prepared to knock on a door.
• Real men enjoy beer, chicken and porn before noon.
• ‘Hgrrrrrrrrr’ has a wide variety of meanings.
• Witches have kaleidoscope vision.
• A good Satanic chant requires excessive breast fondling.
• Strip clubs are notorious for doubling up as witches’ covens.
• Satanic sacrifices come with a lot of rules and regulations.
• Some people just aren’t paid enough to be torn apart in a Satanic ritual.
• Witches have an amazing false prophet radar.

WITCH’S SABBATH TRAILER

BUY WITCH’S SABBATH AT AMAZON.COM

Black Devil Doll

Year of Release: 2007
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 4.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

THIS POST CONTAINS STRONG ADULT CONTENT

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Sweet baby Jesus what just happened? I apologise profusely to Bad Biology for every bad word I said about it because this is so, SO much worse. I came across this movie after reading a review for the original Black Devil Doll from Hell over at The Deadly Doll’s House and thought that it sounded just too good to be true. After doing a little research and not wanting to rip off another blogger’s good work I put every film-finding skill I had into hunting down this piece of crap, a very loose remake of the 80’s original. I say loose because, judging from what I’ve read, the original had a storyline of some sort with some evil doll sex thrown into the mixture. THIS movie, however, is something else entirely. It’s quite remarkable that one movie can be so disgusting and so offensive to ABSOLUTELY everyone that anyone can walk away from it feeling insulted. In a nutshell it’s and hour and a bit’s worth of softcore porn veiled in a b-grade horror movie disguise. But since it’s my mission to watch some of the worst horrors out there I give myself a pat on the back for making it all the way through this one.

How to truly and effectively wash your car.

Heather, our rather busty lead, is bored. After flipping through a bunch of channels and finding nothing interesting on other than cock socks for sale and some guy named Mubia Abul-Jama being electrocuted for the murder of 15 Caucasian women (emphasis on Caucasian – this becomes Heather’s big word of the day and, like any child who’s learned something new, will say it every chance she gets), she decides to play with a Ouija board to pass the time (as so many of us do). As often happens at the stroke of midnight when serial killers are being executed the Ouija board vomits up the soul of Mubia and places it in the very Caucasian dummy (if Heather can say it a thousand times so can I 🙂 ) and transforms it into a very black dummy. Within instants of talking about his various sadistic murders Heather falls madly in love with Mubia and the two begin a very strange and graphic relationship with one another.

You know your friends aren't listening to a word you say when...

Despite the beauty of their relationship any man (as we are told) will eventually get bored and begin to show some interest in other women. Mubia decides that he needs to spread himself around a little more but promises that Heather will always be his #1 bitch and, enjoying his more tender side, Heather promises (after having the crap beaten out of her) to call some of her equally slutty Caucasian friends and have them come over so that Mubia can take advantage of them. After devising their cunning plan (not really – you don’t need a cunning plan when every female character has a bag of frozen peas for a brain) Heather’s friends Natasha, Candi, Buffy and Bambi pull up with breasts thrusting and proceed to dance and wash their car in a very seductive manner before coming inside. After some chitchat and feeling one another up Heather keeps to her end of the deal and goes to McDonald’s where she will eat her weight in burgers while Mubia satiates his lust with, on, over, under, on top of and next to her friends.

Deals made when experiencing the after glow never tend to work out well...

Of course, as the saying goes, once a serial killer, always a serial killer. Stemming from his lack of self-esteem at having become a dummy Mubia decides that he will have to kill Heather’s friends before having sex with them for fear of having them reject him. This is a relatively simple process in a house full of pointy counter tops where every woman is naked and, for one or other reason, oiled up and incredibly slippery. As a lesson to us all, however, the movie does teach us that even when being chased and hunted by a demonic doll if a guy pulls his pants down any woman will go weak at the knees and grant him his every sexual desire. We also learn that once these desires have been met a demonic doll will kill you and make a human pyramid on the Twister board that’s lying in the living room. As her friends are bumped off one-by-one and Heather eventually gets home after clearing out McDonald’s supply of food she is understandably upset that Mubia took it a step further than she had agreed to by killing her friends instead of just having sex with them. It is now up to our busty heroine to put a stop to his rampage of sexual terror once and for all.

A note to myself: If, in the future, your reasoning behind watching a remake is ‘now that we’re in 2011 standards have relaxed and there’ll be more obscenity and gore in it’, please take a moment and think about what you’re doing.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED:

• All answering machine messages should be made in your best porn star voice.
• Along with magazines every coffee table should have a Ouija board on it.
• Saying ‘nigger’ 100 times a day is a very romantic gesture and will make Caucasian women fall madly in love with you in moments.
• Nobody thinks having sex with a doll is odd.
• Nobody can distinguish between a midget and a ventriloquist’s dummy.
• When you get out of a car you should always do a XXX-rated version of the Pussycat Doll’s ‘When I Grow Up’ dance routine.
• A car isn’t clean unless it’s been washed with breasts.
• It is quite common for women to check the quality of their boob jobs by fondling one another.
• A game of twister inevitably leads to some lesbian experimentation.
• Women should always pull their breasts out before shooting a demonic doll.
• A regular hand pistol holds, on average, 372 bullets.

Black Devil Doll Trailer