Hellhounds Ft. Tropical Mary

Year of Release: 2009
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy / Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.6 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 0/5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Another day, another glorious Historically Inaccurate Movie with Tropical Mary. Up until this point Cyclopshad always been the one to beat, but this one may have taken the crown. There was clearly a budget to put this thing together and someone, somewhere, had a vague enough knowledge of Greek myth to get some aspects of the movie right. That it isn’t based on a particular myth may have helped it along somewhat, but it’s been a long time since I’ve laughed as hard as I did at this movie.

If for no other reason, you need to buy / rent this movie to watch the first scene. I don’t know why it was as funny as it was, but it involved a small village being invaded by a rival realm. Some blonde female is busy being attacked when the good guys rock up and save her. 3 seconds later she comes in from left-field, galloping like an injured horse (no, really), waving a sword in the air and screaming like a banshee. We must’ve rewound it about 8 times just to watch over and over again. I thought I was going to pee. But enough of that silliness, it’s time to move onto the even more silly polluted stream of consciousness that this movie brought about.

By the gods, what the hell did we do last night?

• TMG presents: some guys from the Eastern Bloc.
• These are the king’s men. Behind them are all of the king’s horses. Humpty Dumpty was nowhere to be seen.
• Galloping horse bitches be crazy.
• We present, for your consideration, Herr Ünter-Bite.
• I think the main dude’s name is Quilintos.
• Nothing says Ancient Greece like some slow-mo flies.
• She’s spinning right round baby, right round, like a discus baby, right round, round round.
• Hades will take her as a bride. Poor Persephone.
• Why Tartaros? What could this poor woman have done that necessitates Nemesis being her eternal prison warden?
• Spirits will find their bodies like flies find a rotting corpse.
• Apparently the Underworld’s ferryman is named Sharon.
• “This semen spawn is not my wife!”
• The Underworld is now a Cerberus-free zone.
• You can rest when you’re alive.
• Herr Ünter-Bite leads from the chin.
• Wait… maybe the main guy’s name is Cleatus.
• We present, for your consideration, No Calves Cleatus.
• Holy shit, how does Cleatus actually manage to walk with those calves?
• Arrow dipped in snake’s blood = dead Hades.
• Oh dear, this one’s bleeding oil.
• Quickly, escape in that vague direction!
• I won’t forget our first kiss. Now fist me.
• Sprinkler of the gods!
• I feel that we’re changing the rules of saving this chick as we go along.
• Demetrios? Cleatus? Quilintos? Cleetos? Cheetos? Who knows?
• This one’s going back to his squirrels and readings.
• Thank you Quebec for making this voyage to the Underworld possible!

A very big thank you to Tropical Mary, Stygian Mole and the Occult Specialist for the 1001 laughs that were had during the watching of this film 🙂

Herr Ünter-Bite presents: A History of Smarmy Chins Ft. No Calves Cleatus.

BUY HELLHOUNDS AT AMAZON.COM

Hard Ride To Hell

Year of Release: 2010
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.9 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 1 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

OK people, I’m back! After a little self-imposed hiatus to recover from the year in general and too many Syfy movies in particular I decided that the time had come to go back to basics and watch a crap horror movie with a cast you kind of recognise but can’t quite place and an idea that’s been done before and just as badly. The result is Hard Ride to Hell, which in itself is misleading because the roads look like they’re in good condition, so the ride itself does not appear to be that hard, and hell is nowhere to be seen. The only hell you may experience is the hour-and-a-half you’ll lose actually watching the movie.

Judas, Judas-ah-ah...

Tessa and Danny have been having a terrible time lately. Having recently miscarried the doctors have told Tessa her chances of having any more children are very slim. Understandably depressed the couple decide to do the only sane and rational thing to do in times like this: grab your friends, rent an RV and go camping in the badlands of Texas. Nothing will take your minds off things like being in the world’s most rundown campsite in the middle of nowhere with no cellphone reception and where the only other visitor to the campsite is a travelling cutlery salesman. Bet Oprah’s sorry she never recommended this to anyone before her show ended. Anyways night falls at some point and the group decide to get heavily drunk. Being the token black guy and the most drunk of the lot Dirk decides to go relieve himself in the woods, where he’s about to discover a terrifying secret…

He's trying to invoke the movie's script.

And by ‘terrifying’ I really mean thoroughly confusing. In the middle of all this nothing, surrounded by some trees and more nothing, is a kind of cult. They have in their possession a number of naked females who they are asking to offer themselves willingly to the fire in return for immortality. They start off by invoking Babylonian fire goddesses (note: goddesses = plural), but this quickly changes to invoking a goddess (singular) named Babylon or, alternatively, Lady of the Fire. We are told later on, though, that pagan magic is useless to stop this cult, and what they really are are Satanists. I’m going to assume that this is, therefore, an offshoot of mainstream Satanism where Satan is now a woman and, at times, can multiply himself / herself into a number of clones. The cult is led by a very uncharismatic leader who speaks in a rather mousey and monotone voice. Dirk happens to witness what is going on and tries to record it with his phone. Missing him back at camp, Danny gives him a call, whereupon the cult sees him hiding behind a rock and gives chase.

Gollum's wife took the breakup really hard...

The cult makes their way back to the camp site and proceeds to variously capture, lop off arms and eat the members of our little group. They take a particular interest in Tessa since she apparently features in some or other prophecy that says she will be the mother of the cult leader’s evil death child. She must, of course, give herself willingly to the fire and she only submits to this after her boyfriend and friends are tortured a little bit. As a side note, it turns out that submitting yourself to the fire in no way involves going anywhere near an actual fire. Thankfully for all concerned the travelling cutlery salesman turns up to try and save them and they proceed to make a daring escape in the RV with the help of a number of knives and alcoholic beverages. They must make their way to an abandoned little town where the old preacher that lives there holds the key to saving them all and stopping the hell child from being born.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Some men just aren’t strong enough to handle their pregnant wife’s cannibalistic cravings.
• When journalists can write no more about Britney Spears, they write about Habitat for Humanity.
• Miscarriage can be used to trump any other form of loss or misfortune.
• Babylonian fire goddesses can be invoked as a complicated way of falling pregnant.
• A good way to judge a person’s character is by tasting their blood.
• Every cult needs one uncharismatic leader, one intelligent goon and five or so morons to stand around a fire smirking.
• Babylonian Satanic demons can only be defeated with the help of an Aztec amulet.

BUY HARD RIDE TO HELL AT AMAZON.COM