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Cyclops

Posted by James

Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Fantasy / Sci-Fi
IMDB Rating: 3 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Roger Corman and Eric Roberts strike again! Having already subjected myself to Sharktopus, I felt the perverse need to watch another movie where this terrible twosome join forces to melt the brains of anyone who owns a TV. Thankfully, I wasn’t alone in this one: I had my good friend Tropical Mary helping me through it. As she put it, “Cyclops is a tale of two cities: Rome and un-Rome.”

Now, I know this isn’t a horror movie, but there is some logic floating around: since both myself and Tropical Mary are classicists, and in particular I have spent the past 7 years studying Roman history, to see this kind of thing happen to Rome is just bloody horrifying to me. The story is simple enough: giant cyclops is captured, taken to Rome, escapes, is recaptured and then used in gladiatorial combat because the Emperor Tiberius (Eric Roberts, who always looks so fucking smug with himself) thinks it’s a good idea. Since it really is that simple I thought, instead of running through the movie, I would just present the incredibly long list of Life’s Lessons Learned as compiled by myself and Tropical Mary. Enjoy! 🙂

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

Just because the Americas haven’t been discovered doesn’t mean that Rome doesn’t have a thriving pineapple import business.
Sneakers were a common Roman fashion accessory.
Cletus and Barbara were common Roman names.
By developing a rudimentary teleportation device Romans were able to transport modern locks and keys back in time.
To prepare for battle many Roman soldiers donned purple tights and knee pads.
The emperor Augustus spent a great part of his reign slaying the world’s cyclops population.
Medusa was a witch.
The Colosseum was brought back through time to the reign of Tiberius. This sadly made it compress in size.
Half a boar is the traditional Roman meal at a banquet to celebrate the capture of a cyclops.
The entire Roman Senate was comprised of 4 senators.
A common office bestowed on victorious soldiers was the Tribune of Nothing.
Roman amphitheatres were often decked out with Christmas trimmings.
The ghost of Cato was known to rock up +- 60 years after he died to host the Saturnalia.
Gift vouchers were often given to the populace that they could exchange for Prize bread.
Rome had a sizeable Middle Eastern dancing community.
The priestesses of Venus had nothing better to do than shag gladiators.
Despite being a polytheistic people the phrase ‘Oh my God!’ was relatively common.
Despite being a polytheistic people there are no temples or altars to be seen in Rome at all.
Roman soldiers frequently went into battle with Celtic shields and helmets with crests made from a feather boa.
Roman gladiators often wore Spartan helmets.
Butchers never needed to be paid for their meat.
The name ‘Flavia’ is pronounced ‘Flaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahvia’.
The emperor’s assistant often wore a piece of lace trimming around his head.
Despite ‘decimate’ being a Latin word the Romans had no idea how many people it involved killing.
Romans had amazing dental plans.
Despite being a demilitarised zone Rome often had entire legions of soldiers in it.
Every Roman citizen owned at least one lumo outfit.
Emperors owned wicker boxes named ‘Lot’.
Despite the fact that emperors were never addressed as such, the phrase ‘Yes, sire’ was often used in acknowledging their orders.
The only way for Romans to be freed from freedom was to have a cyclops kill the emperor and for gladiators to celebrate.
The Seven Hills of Rome refers to nothing – Rome is completely flat.