Skeeter

Year of Release: 1993
Genre: Horror / Sci-Fi
IMDB Rating: 2.8 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 0.5 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Let me start off by saying that watching this movie was a mistake. Not a mistake in that I regret watching it but rather a mistake in that it wasn’t the movie I was thinking of. I remember back when I was maybe 13 or 14 I watched a movie about killer mosquitos and remembered this box cover from the video store I used to go to. I remember watching this one (albeit very vaguely), but I was really excited to watch the other one, so this was a major let down. It was also quite a surprise; you wouldn’t think there were that many movies about giant mosquitos. Skeeter is not fun, although if you’re in the mood for some spectacular 90s hair, music and men’s wedgie-inducing jeans then you’re in for an absolute treat.

Intense observation.

It was a dark and lonely night when the trucks carrying loads of toxic waste rode into the outskirts of the little town of Clear Sky. It’s a tough time for the little town, what with all the modernisation and skyscrapers and internets going up. Not caring for the town’s plight in the face of the advancing city folk some evil corporation decides that it needs to dump its toxic waste somewhere and that the best place is in one of Clear Sky’s old abandoned mines. Nobody mines no more, work’s all done with them there fancy computers and cellphones as big as your arm, so nobody’s going to notice the waste in the old abandoned mine. That is until two boys head out that way on their motor bikes and land up mysteriously dead, the blood drained right out of their bodies…

Intense manliness.

We need to tear ourselves away from all that for a minute to meet Roy Boone, the coolest and manliest policeman in these here parts. He’s so manly, in fact, that he out-right refuses to ever button up his shirts, whether he’s on duty or not. Boone’s noticed that something very strange is going on in the little town of Clear Sky (the fact that entire herds of cattle are turning up drained of blood and looking like unwrapped mummies may have been a clue) and has called someone in to look at the water in the town, thinking that this might be the problem. The water guy’s more than happy to be there but sheriff Ernie and businessman Drake are not. Ernie and Drake have some kind of deal going on while Drake’s busy turning the desert into a never-ending stretch of luxury houses and they don’t want anyone interfering in their plans.

Intense shirtlessness.

Of course mother nature, when combined with vast quantities of toxic waste, has a rather big way of saying “fuck you!” to people who want to develop luxury housing estates. At this point the movie’s worth watching just to see the mosquitos. I’m not sure what they’re made of but I’m guessing they’re models with either very limited movement or a lot of stop animation. These creatures are now flying around drinking the life force out of absolutely anyone and anything they come into contact with and sheriff Ernie’s not interested in hearing any of it, so Boone’s infinite manliness makes him a far better person for the job of saving Clear Sky. To help him out his Native American friend Hank will tag along for the ride. Will he be able to save the town from the monster mosquitos and the encroachment of 20th century conveniences? Will he be able to prove his love for Sarah and make her see the error in wanting to live in a place with tarred roads? All this and so much more (unnecessary chest hair) on the next screening of Skeeter!

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Funeral parties are known to materialise out of nowhere in the blink of an eye.
• A pastor’s job at a funeral is to be bleak and ask God to kill us all.
• One of the prerequisites of being a politician is having a freckled belly.
• It’s never a wasted trip if you can find a karaoke bar.
• Native American policemen are useful for checking if a crime scene has bad juju.
• Doomsday predictions aren’t particularly powerful when delivered in rhyming couplets.
• Morgues in a desert town have no need for air conditioning.
• A parent’s job is to make their children feel terrible for wanting a better life for themselves.
• If you’re sleeping with the sheriff it doesn’t matter who you abandon in the desert without supplies.

SKEETER TRAILER

BUY SKEETER AT AMAZON.COM

Terror at Blood Fart Lake

Year of Release: 2009
Genre: Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 3.1 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy
Breast-O-Meter: 1 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Let’s all be honest with one another right from the get go: this movie’s title really gives away the fact that you’re not meant to take it seriously. Since it falls on the ‘Lobotomy’ end of the Level of Awful scale it ranks itself right up there with the absolute worst of the worst but, at the same time, gives you one of the best laughs you’ll ever have. I literally nearly wet myself a few times during the movie’s 70-odd minute run. It’s a cautionary tale about choosing your vacation destination’s name wisely, the power of Evanescence in the goth community and the need to be careful when allowing Tim Burton near your anal cavity.

It’s not gay if it came out the fruit bowl.

If one thing rings true about today’s youth it’s that they’re always ready to flock to an attractively named holiday resort. To be honest, of the 6 main characters we have to keep our eye on, I can only remember Gwen’s name. The reason for this is that, rather than running around a lake on holiday, Gwen should be institutionalised and subjected to electric shock therapy until she sorts some of her shit out. You wouldn’t think that one woman could live her life in a constant state of dancing and jazz hands. The rest of the group is made up of a very ungothic goth chick, a guy from New Jersey whose mouth moves but nothing resembling words come out, a stoner wigger New Jersey guy light, a guy who makes and sells shirts and another girl with ample bosoms (and ample everything else).

Why is the goth wearing pink hearts?

Trying to explain the storyline (what little there is) is an exercise in futility. Instead allow me to regale you with some dialogue from our dear, beloved characters:

“Can’t I just kill a squirrel and use that as a rubber?”

“Do you practice the dark arts? And listen to Evanescence?”

“I had a dream that you were rubbing Toblerone all over my asshole. Then Tim Burton popped up… and scurried away into my anal cavity.”

“Cling tenaciously to my ass!”

“It was good, but I reject the taste of your syrup. A warrior woman must be purified with only the finest nut butter before battle.”

No, I’m far too classy to do that…

So yeah, that should give you a clue of what you’re up against if you choose to go forward with watching this movie. Thrown into the mix is a cursed and very gay scarecrow, amateur liposuction, a varied selection of $1 wigs and fake moustaches, incredibly sharp corn, scenes that go a little bit further than softcore porn, people constantly popping out the floor, driving passed Jupiter on our way to Blood Fart Lake and women trained in the fine art of using sabre-toothed ass leeches to defeat her enemies. Another word of caution: there isn’t a single attractive person in this movie, no matter what preference you may have.

I don’t know what else to say. This isn’t one of those movies that words could ever do justice for. It will do unspeakable things to your mind, it’ll make you question every belief you’ve ever held and it will ruin Toblerones for you for the rest of your life. Even with all that, I still recommend you grab a copy and give it a watch. Just don’t do it alone – this is best done as a group effort so you can help each other get off the floor when it’s all over.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• A full bladder of urine can easily be turned into a full tank of petrol.
• A broken car engine can be fixed by unscrewing a single screw in the car’s hood.
• An evening of eats and wild tomfoolery is now limited to a few dry crackers and telling ghost stories.
• Things can be as square as a rhombus.
• Kernels of corn can be used with brutal and bloody efficiency.
• Fat people’s bodies are made up of a combination of blood and whipped cream with roughly 1 part blood to 30 parts whipped cream.
• Certain lakes don’t make you wet when you swim in them.
• Tibetan monks are currently training an army of sabre-toothed ass leech-wielding warriors.

TERROR AT BLOOD FART LAKE SAMPLE

BUY TERROR AT BLOOD FART LAKE AT AMAZON.COM

Hobgoblins 2

 

 

 

 

 

 

Year of Release: 2009
Genre: Horror / Sci-Fi / Action
IMDB Rating: 2.7 / 10
Level of Awful: High

WHAT IT’S ABOUT: The B-Horror Blog has its beginnings in multiple episodes of the ever-amazing Mystery Science Theater 3000 and one episode that I have never stopped laughing through is Rick Sloane’s Hobgoblins. In no way do I think that I can match up to the almightiness that was Mike, Servo and (my favourite) Crow but when I heard that a sequel to Hobgoblins had been made it was just too much for me to resist, and I am absolutely blown away. It’s quite something when, before the plot line even kicks in, a movie is trying to accomplish so much: Hobgoblins 2 attempts to be a sequel, a remake and a re-imagining all at the same time. To do one of these things properly is hard enough when you have good material to work with and the new movie can quickly descend into a pile of crap (I’m looking at you Rob Zombie), so you can only imagine what happens when you try to do all 3 with crappy source material. SO MUCH AWFUL! But awful in a good way, the kind you can laugh at and gaze at in wonder.

When re-enactments of Britney's 'I'm A Slave 4 U' go wrong...

So what are we working with? Hobgoblins 2 appears to take place after the original movie. Mr McCreedy is locked away in a mental asylum after blowing up the movie studio he worked at as a security guard in an attempt to kill the hobgoblins. Enter Kevin, Kyle, Nick, Amy and Daphne from the first movie (different actors, same outfits) who are now in college. The confusing part is that they never seemed to have met Mr McCreedy despite Kevin working with him in the first movie. I imagine this is the re-imagining part kicking in. The kids appear to be psychology students at whatever college may be around this part of the world and their professor is taking them for a tour of the local insane asylum. Here they are introduced to Mr McCreedy who tells them that if you say the word ‘hobgoblins’ three times the creatures will appear and make your worst fears come true (this appears to be a watered down system that was originally perfected by Bloody Mary). How this popped up in conversation I’m not sure but the kids leave to go home while the busty nurses at the asylum run around drugging the hell out of their patients.

It's so rare to see them in their natural habitat...

As the patients are put to bed Professor Abernathy, the kids’ lecturer, goes back to his office and tinkers with a new machine that he has built: a mind reading device that projects onto a screen whatever suppressed memories the chair’s occupant may have. This is so that patients with post-traumatic stress disorder can face their fears (apparently). Abernathy is a fool, however, and decides to not heed McCreedy’s Bloody Mary Lite warning and says the word ‘hobgoblins’ 3 times. Out of nowhere the hobgoblins appear (same puppets as the first movie – Rick Sloane must’ve kept them in storage for just this movie) and strap Abernathy into the chair while everything takes on a greenish glow. Driven to insanity, a policeman in questionable shorts who appears to be enjoying his baton a little too much is sent to Kevin’s house to inform him and the others that their professor has gone insane. While this is going on Kevin begins to see the hobgoblins outside his house and begins to worry about his own sanity while still pondering what he should do if the creatures are real (this despite the fact that the same character spent most of the first movie fighting the creatures off). What follows on for a while are rehashes of scenes from the first movie coupled with a few new spins on old concepts from the original. Look out for Fantazia, Kyle’s would-be imaginary killer from the first film, who now plays the owner of a XXX cam site. While not true to the original Fantazia still refuses to dress in anything other than shiny spandex and leopard print (occasionally opting for green jelly / jello down her bra).

Horror Rule of Gravity: If you let go of the puppet, the puppet will fall.

Now while Kyle is busy maxing out his credit card on Fantazia Kevin begins to encounter the hobgoblins more and more. Nick and Daphne are quite vacant upstairs so their answer to everything is to either practice rake combat (Nick) or dress in every colour of the rainbow and dance around like a tool (Daphne). Most of the scenes are pulled directly out of the original, rework the original ones slightly or make fun of the original and/or MST3K. My problem with this lies mainly with the characters: in the original, there was a sense that the actors were genuinely incompetent and really didn’t know what they were doing. In this movie you still have actors that are completely incompetent and don’t know what they’re doing but now they’re trying to be even more useless to emulate the original characters and put an 80s spin on it at the same time.

I now fully agree with Mike, Servo and Crow: I think that Rick Sloane officially went for an operation in which they removed his brain and replaced it with rat droppings. It’s the only thing that makes sense and justifies this movie’s existence 🙂 On the up side, I think this is the movie that has taught me the most lessons so far:

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• You can make a machete out of a juice box.
• Hobgoblins are a great therapy aide.
• Mental homes use Thorazine by the gallon.
• Porn sites will steal your soul. Literally.
• The ‘Satan vs Joan of Arc is the voice in my head’ debate is ongoing.
• Rake combat isn’t cool in the 21st century.
• To be smart you need to carry round enormous books at all times.
• Running a mental asylum and playing Theme Hospital are virtually the same thing.
• Lobotomy patients get to keep their frontal lobes in a jar.
• Universities, mental asylums and general hospitals are usually combined in a single building.
• Women who run sex websites want a man that’ll keep their supplies of spandex and leopard print high.

HOBGOBLINS 2 TRAILER

Torment

Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 3 / 10
Level of Awful: High

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

And my love-hate relationship with coulrophobia continues! After watching this I discovered that it’s the brainchild of the same people that came up with Dead Clowns, which helps to explain a lot about this movie. Like Dead Clowns, this movie feels like absolutely nothing is ever going to happen because it drags SO much in places and for its 90-odd minutes of running time five things might actually take place. The acting is pathetically weak (Suzi Lorraine has the approximate acting capability of a plank of wood on an off day) and the whale-song soundtrack that sneaks in every now and then is just daft. To give it credit, and this is something that Dead Clowns didn’t get right, Dissecto the Clown is genuinely frightening. You have absolutely no clue who he is or why he does what he does, but the mask is genuinely scary. Enough of my ramblings though; let’s get on with the story:

This is what happens when China manufactures everything: hands in lucky packets.

Meet Laura, the whiniest and most ineffective heroine b-grade horror has ever seen! Laura’s fresh out the nut house following a few ‘incidents’ stemming from her inability to come to terms with her brother’s death. Laura’s husband Ray decides that the best thing to do now that she’s been discharged, in order for her to get some good rest and help her recovery along, is to take her to a cabin out in the middle of nowhere where there’s no cellphone signal and where several Mormons have recently gone missing. Now Laura, like anyone else in her situation, is still a little bat shit crazy and tends to fly off the handle at the slightest provocation. This makes things very difficult for her when she tries to get her husband to believe that Dissecto the Clown was staring into their house just after she got out the shower. In a way this storyline is Movie A and carries on more or less like this until the last half-hour of the movie with Dissecto occasionally popping up to provide some suspense. The major question the movie aims to put in your head is whether Dissecto is real or just a figment of Laura’s one-sandwich-short-of-a-picnic mind…

Duct tape: you're not going anywhere now...

Movie B, while being a lot less whiny, has a lot less going on in it. All we’re treated to are shots of Dissecto’s cockroach-infested house (I’m not sure if these are meant to play some part in the story because they’re everywhere) where, before torturing his victims, he treats them to various circus tricks. Maybe if someone had laughed they wouldn’t have ended up dead, but such things are out of my hands. It only really gets exciting towards the end of the movie when, after Roy’s been bludgeoned to death, Laura (nicely drugged) manages to run into Dissecto’s house. It’s here that we either learn how strong Dissecto is or how bad Laura’s aim is because, even with sledge hammer in hand, she can’t get him to let her go. We are then dragged through about 20 minutes of Laura pathetically trying to escape from her loose bonds.

To finish off on a good note I would like to give this movie credit for daring to do what even high budget horror movies would never do: have the heroine go looking for the killer fully clothed 🙂

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• The authority of a map is all-encompassing.
• Bin bags are so durable that a person couldn’t escape from one.
• Crazy people get crazy when you discuss crazy.
• Loony bin regulation underwear has greatly improved in the 21st century.
• You should have at least 3 outfit changes during the day.
• People who put bibles in hotel rooms either look like gnomes or elves.
• Corpses in a freezer will remain frozen even if you leave the lid open.

TORMENT TRAILER