Final Destination: The Ultimate Movie Marathon

Since some people seem to insist that I be an adult and hold down a real job (people are really inconsiderate that way), it’s taken me ages to do this write up, but this UMM was actually done back-to-back with the Twilight one. The UMM rules state that for it to be an actual UMM, there needs to be at least 7 movies to the franchise (the gods forbid that that should ever happen to Twilight), so my elite crack movie watching squad (Tropical Mary, Stygian Mole and the Occult Specialist) and I decided we’d just bend the rules slightly and watch another short franchise, thus bringing the evening’s final movie tally to 10.

By the time we started watching these movies my life was already in jeopardy, and there was a very real chance that my team would tar and feather me. We’d just watched +- 10 hours of stares, and I was really hoping that these movies would redeem me. I’m not sure if they did, but I think they went a long way to easing some of the tension.

The Final Destination franchise, in my opinion, is one that should truly be treasured because there isn’t a single bad movie in it. Yes, some movies are better than others when compared against one another, but on the whole all of them are very watchable and a lot of fun. It’s difficult to decide what sub-genre of horror these movies fall into, since they aren’t really slashers, but the whole idea that Death itself can come after you really puts a fresh twist on things. It’s also a lot of fun to watch just how a string of incredibly convoluted events can end up killing people in some truly horrific ways. Most importantly (and where other movies have long since fallen off the bandwagon), the Final Destination movies have, for more than a decade, introduced audiences to movies with people standing in a triangle on the cover. Not enough movies do that any more, and I think it’s a truly important cinematic event that should be passed on to future generations.

By this point in the evening the idea of any form of critical analysis had long since gone out of the window, so I’ll just give you a brief rundown of each movie, followed by our Twilight-riddled stream of consciousness. Enjoy!

FINAL DESTINATION

Year of Release: 2000
Genre: Horror / Mystery
IMDB Rating: 6.7 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

Be honest – when you first saw this movie it made you think twice about getting on a plane. Starring a frightfully young Ali Larter, this is the movie that introduced us to the notion that Death might have a rather sick and fiendish plan for us all. Young Alex Brown and his friends are all getting ready for a fun school trip to France on Flight 180 when he has a horrifying vision that the plane will blow up just after take off. No one really believes him, but he and a few others are ejected from the plane for unruly behaviour anyway. Lo and behold, the plane actually does blow up, killing everyone on it.

In what may be Death’s equivalent of Wikileaks, these premonitions do not form part of Death’s ultimate plan – the survivors were never meant to get off the plane. Now, Death is coming for them and plans on getting them back in gruesome (but sometimes also hilarious) ways. Just how long can Alex and company actually cheat death?

• Dad supports copulation with French bitches.
• This scene warns us that there may be a slight draft.
• No hookers in the airport!
• Kill a Hari Krishna!
• Death laughs in the face of subtlety.
• Don’t fart in the bathroom!
• One should always aspire to do some tittie fucking while flying over Greenland.
• Behold: the Maltesers of DOOM!!
• Thank god for pre-911 – Alex would be hung and quartered by the FBI now.
• Awkward orphans are awkward.
• Survivor guilt!
• Freedom! (from life).
• He’s really not clairvoyant; Death only had a brief chat with him.
• Cold drafts are apparently Death’s preferred mode of transport.
• How do you get your toilet water to be that immaculate shade of blue?
• Behold: the Alsation of impending DOOM!!
• Mortuary break-ins are such a rush for randy teenagers.
• Furniture for movie kindly sponsored by Death by Design.
• Agent Shrek stages a daring coffin drop.
• Police brutality – the best kind of brutality.
• Tube monitors are the Devil’s work.
• Caramelised blood. Sweet, delicious caramelised blood.
• Death’s a sneaky bastard and willing to let you go slowly.

FINAL DESTINATION 2

Year of Release: 2003
Genre: Horror / Mystery
IMDB Rating: 6.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

In the franchise’s apparent bid to make us afraid to do anything at all, Final Destination 2 takes the terror on the road and presents the viewer with a delightfully horrific pile up on the highway. Remember when that giant log went through the policeman’s car? Yeah, that.

This movie centres on Kimberly, who was beginning a roadtrip with a bunch of her friends when her premonition happened. By backing up traffic, she manages to save a lot of people from the enormous crash, once again setting Death up to take back what it feels rightfully belongs to it.

This movie is the only one in the franchise that has any direct connection to the first film (or is it?), with a still-frightfully young Ali Larter reprising her role as Clear Rivers to help this new bunch of kids escape from Death’s wispy clutches. The movie is also interesting because it examines the consequences of the first one and how the (temporary) survival of the Flight 180 passengers created a ripple effect in Death’s greater design. More bodies, more explosions, and more pigeon-related deaths than you can shake a stick at. What’s not to enjoy?

• Crazy people are really useful for providing background info into Death’s design.
• Oh, how I miss a good old VCR.
• Condoms, whips, and chains are all really useful items to pack for a roadtrip.
• Irony is all around you, ergo, Death is all around you.
• Drink pale ale responsibly.
• Warning lights in cars aren’t really there to tell us anything important.
• White guys can be totally thug.
• “Call 180” – The devil got a new number.
• This police station has a capture and release system in place for witnesses.
• Back at Stately Wayne suburbia…
• Hygiene and safety standards – this guy has none.
• Magnets and microwaves really aren’t compatible.
• Well done! You just made things much, much worse.
• Dear God, not my iMac!
• Remember to evacuate your apartment in a calm and orderly fashion.
• Remember kids – spaghetti kills.
• Smoking is healthy if you do it on a treadmill.
• It must be refreshing when a mental patient WANTS to be there.
• Clear could still die from 1000 paper cuts.
• Good luck beating Death, and don’t fuck it up.
• Find Nemo: Killer Version.
• All Nitrous, all the time!
• Terrible: dying after you’ve racked up an enormous dental bill.
• Welcome to the Crazy and Clothed branch of the FBI.
• Death sees you when you’re coming. How awkward.
• Valium: like Smarties, but for adults.
• Don’t go accusin’ no one that their ass is any less alive than yours.
• Behold: the ripple effect of DOOM!!
• Death by Design has a rift that even duct tape can’t fix.
• Splash the Magical Flying Ambulance.
• Death has been vanquished and Dawn reveals her rosy bottom to everyone.
• KABOOM!

FINAL DESTINATION 3

Year of Release: 2006
Genre: Horror / Mystery
IMDB Rating: 5.7 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

Alright, so we can’t fly anywhere and we can’t drive anywhere. Now, even if we somehow manage to make it to an amusement park, we can’t ride rollercoasters either? Not that I’m a huge fan of rollercoasters (I don’t like going upside down), but I’d at least like to have the option. Oh yeah, and don’t ride on trains. Ever.

This time around we’re following Wendy, who only wanted to spend a fun night out at the amusement park with her friends and boyfriend to celebrate their senior year of high school. Death and his ever-fabulous designers over at Death by Design, however, have a different plan. Wendy’s premonition kicks in just before a rollercoaster ride, showing her in detail that the human spine and metal support columns should never meet one another at high speed. She panics and gets off the rollercoaster, taking several people with her (sadly, boyfriend not included), thus setting in motion a chain of events that means Death and his designers need to put in a little overtime.

The key to survival here will be Wendy’s passion for amateur photography: she took pictures of everyone that night before the rollercoaster derailed, and they seem to hold clues to preventing peoples’ decidedly squelchy ends. Can Wendy and her friend Kevin beat Death and his array of faulty tanning beds, fork lifts gone wild and flying truck engines? Probably not, but it’s boatloads of fun to watch them try.

• Thank you New Line Cinema.
• It’s the Rollercoaster of Love!
• There’s some reckless foreshadowing being thrown around here.
• Camel toes, duck face and warp speed, oh my!
• Hydraulic fluid: Gone.
• Tyres: Gone.
• Who knew teenagers could fly?
• Oh wait, they can’t.
• She whips her hair (and spine) back and forth.
• Spear tackle a bitch! Bitches love to be spear tackled.
• Getting a tune-up tan for a funeral is so thoughtful.
• That’s a good work lamp there.
• This, on the other hand, is only an average work lamp.
• Mmmm… delicious fried whore.
• Death by Design releases its Equality range of murder.
• Drink pale ale responsibly.
• There’s so much ‘Merica! going on here it hurts.
• This guy works for Osama bin Supervisor.
• Watch out for the overreaction over steer!
• Wendy’s camera has all the megapixels.
• Fuck you Ben Franklin!
• We’re on the love train!
• OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH!

THE FINAL DESTINATION

Year of Release: 2009
Genre: Horror / Mystery
IMDB Rating: 5 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

I don’t get why people are so down on this movie. Yes, of all the Final Destination movies it is the weakest. It suffers from being a little over zealous with the CGI (at times going up to Syfy levels) and it was clearly made with 3D in mind because everything just wants to fly out of the TV at you, but it’s by no means a bad movie. Oh right, and it isn’t REALLY The Final Destination, but I guess they couldn’t have known that at the time.

OK, we couldn’t fly anywhere, drive anywhere, or ride on rollercoasters, and this movie also wants us to stop going to races at the speedway. Again, this doesn’t really affect me because I find Formula 1 and that kind of thing boring, but I’d still at least like to have the option.

Death by Design’s out in force again, and this time they’ve set their beady little eyes on Nick. Nick, his girlfriend, and two of their friends, have decided to pass a decidedly American afternoon watching some very American racing surrounded by some very American spectators. Courtesy of the worst pit crew in the world, things go a tad bit awry, several crashes happen, and the entire speedway collapses. Or, at least that’s what’s going to happen according to Nick’s premonition.

Nick and Co., along with several other people, manage to get out before the crash happens, and Death by Design must ride their obsidian unicorns into battle once again. Keep a look out for some KKK-style burnings, a movie theatre on the verge, an over enthusiastic pool pump and the 1001 dangers of standing too close to a chain link fence.

• Thank you New Line Cinema.
• It’s like Daytona, bitches!
• The Nickelback alone should be a clue that bad shit is gonna happen.
• Oh neo-nazis, you’re really such a lovely crowd.
• A flaming pancake! A flancake!
• I’m feeling a little racial tension in that enormous hook and petrol can.
• Yet more irresponsible pale ale consumption.
• Absent parenting is the best kind of parenting.
• Scissors to the face!
• Gotta love some redneck bottle drinking.
• Clear Rivers water. Death by Design must be close…
• Slowest draining pool EVER.
• There’s nothing more horrifying that explosive ass decompression.
• It can’t be fun to be flattened by a bath.
• Death by Design got really greedy in this movie.
• Death’s Hobo walks amongst us.

FINAL DESTINATION 5

Year of Release: 2011
Genre: Horror / Mystery
IMDB Rating: 5.8 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

If the 4th movie took the series into a little bit of a dip, then this movie brought the franchise right back on track again. As if to reinforce the lesson we learned in the 2nd movie, if you hadn’t already learned that driving is dangerous, Death by Design is also more than capable of making the bridge you’re driving over collapse right out from underneath you.

In this last movie, we’re going to follow the escapades of Sam, a terrifically talented chef in the making, on his way to a retreat with his co-workers from his day job as a salesman. A leak in the space-time-gruesome-death continuum causes him to have a premonition where the whole bridge they are on completely collapses. This results in people drowning, being crushed by cars, getting impaled, and one unfortunate guy landing up on the wrong end of a vat of molten tar. It’s all rather unpleasant, really.

So Sam panics and gets some people safely off the bridge before the collapse happens. By this stage, Death by Design is getting bloody fed up trying to patch all of these leaks in the Grand Design, so the survivors land up getting killed one-by-one in yet another series of horrifying (and, in one instance, bone breaking) incidents. What I really liked, though, is this movie has a really good twist ending that I really didn’t see coming. I won’t spoil it for you, but if you keep a close watch on the characters throughout the movie you’ll see all the clues. Enjoy!

• Thank you New Line Cinema (and Warner Bros.)
• In the end, it’s often salesman against chef.
• Final Destination continues the franchise’s strict 1 black person per movie quota.
• Bald really is the new black.
• Yet another good work lamp. Well done movie.
• Gymnastics should really be restricted to 9-year-old boys.
• If he’s bereaved, he must be bereaving. In fact, he’s a bereaver!
• Stationary theft is deadly.
• Angst is difficult to pull off if you’re wearing a suit.
• Angst is a dish best served in jeans and a t-shirt.
• The fat guy really needs to die – horribly.
• Laser to the eye!
• Eyes pop well, especially when you drive over them.
• These people are just dumb as rocks.
• Psycho killers are that little bit more serious when they have a skillet.
• The _ _ _ _ _ _ _ has landed!
• Token black guy outlasted everyone!
• Final Destination: Changing movie stereotypes.
• The black guy survives the horror!
• Oh wait, I take that back…

FINAL THOUGHTS

After the miserable morning / afternoon / early evening that we spent watching the Twilight movies, these movies were just a complete breath of fresh air. People still weren’t speaking to me, but it was a step up from them threatening to mummify me alive. In a small way, I think these movies went a decent way to saving my life at the hands of a hair-eating Tropical Mary that night, and for that I’m thankful.

Like I said in the beginning of this write up, this is one of the best franchises, in my opinion, that horror has to offer. Whilst it may be purely by virtue of the fact that this franchise has fewer movies in it that many others, there really isn’t a bad one in the bunch. Yes, number four was comparatively weak, but on the whole it still stands up better than many other franchises’ weaker members. They key to these films’ success lies in the fact that they more or less follow a very well thought out system that was laid down in the first movie. They tweak it here and there and the deaths gradually become more gruesome and inventative, and leaves the audience in that fun place where they know exactly what’s going to happen, but you have no clue just how it’s going to happen.

Now, as for the scientific calculations that form an integral part of any UMM night, keeping track of the deaths in the Final Destination movies is a slightly tricky affair. Using a highly scientific and complicated system of spreadsheets, pie charts, clay tablets, and counting on our toes, we settled on a final death count of 499. Breasts were few and far between in this franchise, with a total of only 11. That works out to a death-to-breast ratio of roughly 45.3:1.

When all was said and done, it was nearly 5am and the sugar crash was starting to kick in hard, so it was off to bed for all of us. The next day was spent with a sugar-deprived headache that allowed me some time to reflect on the kinds of friendships that can withstand what I subjected them to on that bright and sunny Good Friday. So long as I promise to have no part in choosing the movies for the next UMM, I think we’re all gonna be friends for a good while yet 🙂

As always, I’m always looking for suggestions for the next UMM, especially for franchises that may be slightly more obscure.

Thanks to everyone for reading, and a big thanks to all those who kept us company through the live tweeting madness of the day!

Until next time 🙂

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Weasels Rip My Flesh

Year of Release: 1979
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.3 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

OK people, pack it up and head on home. Nobody needs me anymore, the journey to watch the world’s most awful horror movie has officially come to an end with Weasels Rip My Flesh. Just joking, I’m not going anywhere, although I am considering revamping the blog. My main idea includes redoing the Levels of Awful as ‘Surprise!’, ‘Low’, ‘Medium’, ‘High’ and ‘Weasels Rip My Flesh‘. Anyone remember my review for Monsturd? Weasels Rip My Flesh would shit all over that movie. It’s quite spectacular in its mind-melting awfulness; friends of the “director” in the roles, papier-mâché monsters and black bags being used as the surface of Venus. To make sure you really get value for money all of this is crammed into little more than an hour’s worth of film. If you’re feeling like you have nothing left to live for and want to go out with your brain violently squeezing itself out of your ear in a desperate bid to escape then this is the perfect way to end it all.

That poor granny-haired boy…

Mankind has finally mastered the art of space travel and extended our reach beyond the stars. Well, not really, but we’ve managed to make our way to Venus. Turns out the planet is made up largely of black bin bags and isn’t nearly as hot as we thought it was so landing a spaceship there is easier than parallel parking on a slow traffic day. Thrown into all of these amazing discoveries is the fact that our sister planet is home to life; blue, slimely, squishy life but life none the less. Using the latest in giant hair clip technology the brave astronauts of this cardboard spaceship  collect samples of Venereal life to bring back home for further study. Sadly the homeward trip for these brave, brave men is marred by the fact that the spaceship suddenly veers hopelessly out of control and crashes in a swamp where two young boys just happen to be playing.

Oh my God, what a horrifying mutant weasel!

The saying ‘boys will be boys’ is never more applicable than when two young boys on the cusp of puberty come across a package marked “DANGER: RADIOACTIVE CONTENTS” written in white board marker. The number of things that can be done with radioactive Venereal life is virtually limitless as you can well imagine but, when one of the boys is bitten by a rabid weasel, the toxic slime becomes the perfect vehicle for revenge. They pour the now luminous mustard yellow goo into the weasel’s burrow and the strangely doll-like creature mutants into a horrendous monster in a matter of seconds. Now the size of a car the monster weasel makes a quick snack of the two boys before heading out of the swamp on a rampaging trail of terror.

Some of the most amazing costuming in a movie ever.

Somewhere in amongst the ensuing confusion that involves random road-side researchers, horrendous moustaches and weasel arms that can move around on their own 8 months fly by and the swamp becomes a scene of unsolved mass murders. We catch up with the movie to follow what I hazard as a guess to be two policemen trying to find out what’s going on in the swamp. In between chain-smoking a few cigars, being overbearingly Italian-American and some wooden dialogue thrown in for good measure the two cops are taken hostage by a scientist that looks strikingly like Nintendo’s Mario (were Mario to be homeless with an alcohol problem). This scientist has discovered that the mutant weasel is the key to amazing regenerative medicine but, since the weasel has rabies, he needs human blood to purify his new serum. The cops now need to find a way to escape from the scientist’s evil clutches without becoming a little snack for the giant weasel.

I would just like to reiterate, if you feel like life is actually worth living, DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE! You may not feel the same way by the time the closing credits roll round.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• A woman’s hair clip is perfect for collecting samples of alien life on Venus.
• NASA has absolutely no way of knowing if one of their spacecraft has made it back to Earth safely or not.
• NASA containment technology is no match for a 10-year-old with a stick.
• It’s very easy to not notice a car-sized weasel running across the road.
• A messy kitchen is definite proof of a torn off arm dragging itself around the house.
• It’s easy to confuse a stagnant swamp for an ocean.
• Mutant weasels can either destroy the world, cure every disease or unlock the secret to immortality.
• You can use a lit cigar to burn through metal chains.
• Contrary to popular belief having your arm ripped off will not result in massive blood loss.

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Ice Twisters

Year of Release: 2009
Genre: Sci-Fi
IMDB Rating: 4.1 / 10
Level of Awful: Low
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

This movie and Arctic Blast (I’m pretty sure that Arctic Blast is this movie’s spiritual sequel) raise the question of who thought that playing with the atmosphere to create doomsday-scenario movies was a good idea. Neither movie is horrendously bad, but the flip side of the coin is that neither one is particularly good. All the same it is End of the World Month and, if you’re a particularly cold-hearted individual, there can be a strange attraction to seeing the world being both destroyed and frozen over in a matter of moments.

You just know this man has boobs on his mind.

One thing that’s beginning to emerge more and more as this experiment progresses is that the road to hell is paved with scientists with good intentions. Joanne is a lovely woman who has been deeply affected by the plight of people in areas plagued by drought and famine. Apparently Kansas and Ethiopia are on par with one another so far as these things go, which I’m not so sure of, but her intentions are good. Along with her colleague Damon Joanne has devised a revolutionary new technology that not only seeds clouds to make it rain but that will actually make the clouds in areas where there isn’t enough moisture for natural cloud formation. Now I can assure you that watching this pan out on-screen is about as thrilling as watching paint dry in slow motion but is apparently necessary if we’re to appreciate how this team of rag-tag scientists is going to save the world from their own creation.

Madonna warned him of the dangers of his heart not being open.

The other thing that has become overly apparent throughout the course of Earth’s multiple ends is that groups of scientists should never be allowed free reign of any experiment. Nobody ever foresees the inevitably destructive outcome that their actions will have. Thankfully our brave audience has Charlie Price to fall back on. Charlie was once one of the world’s most recognised and respected scientists before he was forced out of the community for unmentioned reasons to pursue an exciting career writing trashy sci-fi novels about how the world will end through a number of man-made and natural disasters. In this world of enormous coincidences Charlie just happened to be holding a book signing in Generic Small Town, USA where Joanne was conducting her experiments. One moment the sun was shining and everyone was happy and the next thing you know buses and cars and all manner of debris are flying around in a very darkened sky.

In today's weather there's a 80% chance of all hell breaking loose.

And the coincidences just keep on coming! Joanne, obviously aware of the fact that a small town’s near annihilation was not in the original test plan, goes to investigate the damage. She runs into Charlie and it’s revealed that they’ve known each other for donkey’s years. Charlie, using a little blackmail, convinces Joanne and Damon to take him along on their investigation to see what’s going on and how they can go about stopping it. Within a matter of moments Charlie has a theory as to what’s going on: the little machines flying around creating the clouds are doing so by draining the area of any moisture to form the clouds. As a result freezing cold air from the upper areas of the atmosphere are feeding down the way and creating the freezing tornadoes. This of course flies in the face of all scientific reasoning and no one’s prepared to believe him. Hopefully, through the use of a number of horrible analogies from his various novels, Charlie will be able to convince everyone that his plan is the best one and the only chance that humanity has to avoid becoming frozen popsicles.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• People thrown out of the scientific community can always fall back on being trashy novelists.
• Women only need to pee when someone’s told them that they can’t.
• People should never lose sight of the fact that they’ve made it rain.
• One should never smack a hornet’s nest in serious situations.
• Weather is known to be a fairly common occurrence across the globe.
• Bubonic plague is the only reasonable excuse for missing a TV interview.
• There is a big difference between a hug and trying to stay alive.
• You can justify breaking and entering by claiming that a series of doors are accidentally locked.
• It’s easy enough to ‘borrow’ access codes to US government satellites.

ICE TWISTERS TRAILER

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Grim Reaper

Year of Release: 2007
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 2.5 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Few things in life are certain but we all know that Death, at some point, will come and take us away. What this movie teaches us, however, is that Death is very fickle and contractually bound to 101 different laws, making it somewhat easier to escape Death. I have also learned that there is no such thing as a painless death; when the Grim Reaper comes to collect your soul every death is brutally and dismemberingly violent. With all that in mind it must be said that this was a very fun movie to watch, if only for how truly daft it is. If you’re in the mood for a good laugh pick this one out of the nearest bargain bin you can find.

And then this movie came at me from out of nowhere...

As with so many other tales involving the Grim Reaper ours begins in a strip club. Rachel is a hard-working girl putting in her hours to try and make a better life for her and her boyfriend Liam. Liam’s studying to become a doctor and is about to start his residency. With student loans being what they are Rachel’s gonna strip the bills away, something that Liam isn’t incredibly happy with. When she leaves work on this fateful night she was innocently standing in a back alley waiting for a taxi to come and take her home. Sadly the taxi showed up and plowed into her, leaving her at Death’s door. When the taxi driver gets out and collapses Rachel tries to run to him but a mysterious stranger tells her to stay in the light. The two are rushed to hospital to have their injuries seen to. Once there Rachel starts to see strange things but nobody’s quite ready to believe that Death himself is wandering the corridors and brutally slaying the souls of patients.

This would be so much easier if we had a light.

The only logical thing to do in this kind of situation is to send Rachel off to the nut house without informing anyone where she is. Now, St Joseph’s in one of the more bottom of the barrel mental asylums. It has 6 patients, all of whom claim that the Grim Reaper is stalking them, 1 doctor who keeps having mild heart attacks, no electricity and food left over from the Apollo 7 space mission. No one knows why they’ve been put in here but the doctor is more than willing to taser the hell out of anyone who questions his methods. Everything’s going as well as can be expected in such an environment until one night when the Reaper shows up to collect the souls of these 6 people. The question is, why is he after them and how are they going to escape from this dreary hell hole?

A Reaper's work is never done.

The reason Death is after this unfortunate bunch is actually quite simple. When Rachel was hit by the taxi she was actually meant to die and, likewise, everyone else in the asylum has met with some unfortunate incident that was meant to kill them. By not dying Fate has been cheated and the Grim Reaper is now pissed off and coming to collect the souls that he feels are owed to him (*cough* Final Destination *cough cough*). It turns out that the doctor was also meant to have died a long time ago. Being a chain smoker he’s developed lung cancer that has spread throughout his body but, Death being what it is, the good doctor managed to strike a deal whereby he’ll bring all those people Death wants to the asylum so they’re easier to catch in exchange for him being allowed to live. With Liam desperately trying to find Rachel the group must devise a way to once again change their fate and send Death on his merry little way before he manages to slice them into wafer thin little pieces.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Strippers take their work very seriously and don’t like people making them feel guilty about it.
• The wives of prominent doctors often started out as strippers.
• Strippers have no need for a pulse or functioning major organs.
• Nurses can just walk up to anyone and  sedate them against their will.
• Insane asylums don’t need staff or electricity to run smoothly.
• A mild tasering will make a remarkably agreeable person out of anyone.
• It’s never a good idea to let a blind girl run off on her own.
• You can’t electrocute Death.
• Death subcontracts part of his reaping out to cowardly mortals.
• Medical students are trained to shout people back from the dead.

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