S.N.U.B!

Year of Release: 2010
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 3.1 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 0.5 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

I know I say this quite often when I start off my reviews, but I feel that this movie warrants me saying it again: running this blog has forced me to come into contact with some very strange films, but S.N.U.B! takes the really bizarre biscuit. And before you think I might be overreacting, I would like you to consider what I believe to be the train of thought that went into making it: take people who look like, act like, and have the social sophistication of the cast of The Only Way Is Essex, tell them to do their best impersonation of the cast from Downton Abbey, and then put them in a situation that is more than just a little reminiscent of the plot from James Herbert’s Domain (minus the giant mutated rats). This, essentially, is what you will be dedicating the next 85 minutes of your life to should you decide to watch this movie. Now, that isn’t to say that it isn’t worth watching just to see how it all pans out, but I do like people to be prepared before they go walking off blindly into something.

Compact atomic bombs – for the nuclear terrorist on the go.

We begin our misdirected adventure by following a group of soldiers out on an anti-terrorism assignment who are being hotly pursued by an under-prepared orchestra. The government has received word that someone might have planted a 20-megaton nuclear bomb somewhere in down town London (because it’s dead easy to just carry one of those around on you), and these highly untrained men are going to do their best to save the population, should the threat prove to be real. It turns out the threat is real, and the soldiers discover the bomb hidden inside a tiny metal briefcase. They bring in their most panicky and shaky member of staff to try and diffuse the bomb, but he’s never come across something like this before (again, because people don’t usually just leave nuclear weapons lying around, I imagine training with them is a little bit tricky), so he cuts the wrong wire. KABOOM!!! There goes London, all in one giant mushroom cloud.

Oops!

Thankfully, while the British government doesn’t appear to have trained soldiers, an emergency plan, or an evacuation plan, they do happen to have a terribly unprepared Secret Underground Nuclear Bunker. All of the equipment in there is still from the Cold War so, while it isn’t tremendously helpful in keeping people alive, I imagine it would appeal to all of the hipster survivors who managed to make it inside. Having managed to get all of 7 people inside when the bomb went off (one of which is a minor government functionary who immediately tries to take control of the situation), these survivors band together with the three soldiers,  the one communications director, and the one maintenance man who were already inside and try to figure out how they are going to weather this particular hell storm.

Shoot the director before he can make more movies!

Oh yeah – the other problem with the bunker? It didn’t really come with a maintenance plan, so the life support machinery is REALLY old and gets clogged at the first sign of a human corpse falling into it. So there’s the problem of not being able to breathe when the 11 survivors use up all the oxygen in the labyrinthine bunker in a matter of hours (how heavily are they breathing?). Then there’s the issue of hierarchy, which really teaches us that, in the event of nuclear war, paper pushers with God complexes should be the first to be thrown into the mushroom cloud. Yet another issue is the prison right near by which housed Britain’s most dangerous criminals. They’ve escaped the prison thanks to the blast and have suffered from some minor instantaneous mutations and are now trying to push their way into the bunker through its many, many unsealed openings. But not to worry, if all of this becomes too tense for you to watch, it’s intermittently broken by scenes of two of the survivors indulging in flirtation that’s as subtle as being slapped through the face with a wet trout.

If all of this doesn’t convince you to watch it, then I don’t know what will 🙂

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Americans do like their underground bunkers to be up to date with the latest trends in home décor.
• The British Ministry of Defence never thinks to take steps to out-manoeuvre people with laminated pieces of paper getting past security check points.
• Underground government facilities are no place for children or goldfish.
• The easiest way to control the rodent population in an underground bunker is with a military-issued machine gun.
• Bureaucracy dictates that if bunker survivor quotas are surpassed, excess survivors must be jettisoned into the radioactive wasteland.
• Despite spending so much time on their backs, sluts still need plenty of rest.
• During times of crisis it is incredibly important to revert to Victorian-style gender differences.
• If you pedal a bike fast enough you can easily out-ride radiation poisoning.
• There’s absolutely no security risk in letting the country’s most dangerous criminals help set up top-secret underground government facilities.
• Government focus groups indicate that children make excellent decoys when mutated prisoners are invading your underground bunker.

S.N.U.B! TRAILER

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Andre The Butcher

Year of Release: 2005
Genre: Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 4.4 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

When the main drawing card in any movie is a famous male porn star one has to stop for a second and wonder whether or not they’re getting themselves into something that they’d rather not. So I pondered it over, looked through what else I had to watch, checked it out on IMDB and eventually decided that I’d go for it. Turns out that, in addition to Ron Jeremy, it also has cheerleaders, a dirty old man, topless sunbathing, crude jokes, escaped convicts, lesbian experimentation and the strangest use for a homemade batch of chilli I’ve ever seen. In short it’s brilliant, funny and trashy.

Why no officer, there's nothing sexually suggestive going on here...

Cheerleading regional finals are about to begin and we’re about to be dragged along for the ride! We align ourselves with the Beavers, a group of cheerleaders made up of 3 girls and 1 guy with a dream of making it big in professional cheerleading circles. What’s nice is that all of their names match their stereotype perfectly: there’s sex-crazed Cookie, big girl Kristy (aka Kristy Kreme), good Christian girl / closeted lesbian Jasmine and studly but not-too-bright Jimbo. While out on the road their greatest rivals overtake them, throwing food at the car and waving around insulting banners. When the car carrying the rivals breaks down it provides a perfect opportunity to 1) get out and taunt them, 2) offer to help like good people would and 3) beat the crap out of your opponent when they’re rude to you. With this done the Beavers head out on the road again but, being bored, Jimbo needs a little distraction to keep him awake while driving. Thankfully Cookie’s not the kind of girl to turn down a man who needs her special brand of helpfulness and she gladly obliges and while this does help to keep Jimbo awake it also means he closes his eyes and rolls his head around a lot, which isn’t necessarily the best thing to do while driving. Next thing you know the car’s plowed into an electric pole and there’s no cellphone signal anywhere so the Beavers need to start walking to try and find a phone of some sort before their dreams of being in the finals are dashed.

How sweet, he's pointing us in the right direction.

With this being a horror movie the Beavers thankfully don’t have to walk very far before they come across a rundown old house in the middle of nowhere which is seemingly vacant with a phone that doesn’t work. While this is inconvenient the house does seem to be reasonably well stocked with bottles of water and freshly made meat dishes for Kristy Kreme to tuck into. With the mad rush to get to the cheerleading finals apparently gone Jimbo and Cookie attempt having sex on an old bed before being interrupted by Jasmine. It’s decided then that Jimbo will head back to the car to wait for help while the girls hang around and tan. Kristy decides to go along with Jimbo, leaving only Jasmine and Cookie in the house. After a quick tanning session the girls settle down to discover their sexuality through a conversation about the difference in taste and texture of vienna sausages and a tin of peaches. Their little escapade is cut tragically short when two escaped convicts from the apparently nearby prison burst into the room looking for a place to hide out. Turns out our two escapees, Hos and Tober, aren’t really all that bad because when the local sheriff tries his luck with Jasmine Hos beats the crap out of him.

Will somebody please just kill this poor man?

Oh right, before I forget: the killer. The eponymous Andre the butcher is the owner of the creepy old house in the middle of nowhere and it serves as his base of operation. When he’s not watching old reruns and eating pieces of himself he enjoys long walks around the grounds killing the surprisingly large amount of people who happened to be making their way through his territory. His killing style is simple: a good aim and a variety of cleavers and knives stored around his person. Of course when a group of young and attractive creatures make their way into his house something needs to be done about it but at least he’s thorough in his approach and takes his time to make sure the job is done both properly and brutally. But when a killer comes after you with such terrifying force and a creepy grin on his face the Beavers will need to figure out exactly why it is he’s after them and how exactly they go about killing a man who can sew his own arm back on after it’s been blown off with a shotgun.

If you’re in the mood for a really entertaining and trashy movie, I strongly recommend getting your hands on a copy of Andre the Butcher.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Wars between rival cheerleading gangs quickly become both personal and violent.
• Eyeballs are delicious in a smoothie.
• When trying to find help it’s important to be as big an asshole as possible.
• Spaghetti dinners are what keep prisoners from escaping.
• Women who refuse to eat viennas inevitably turn out to be lesbians.
• Fat girls are easily lured by a doughnut on a string.
• God provides bullets for those in need.
• Every woman dreams of having a knight in shining polyester come to her rescue.

ANDRE THE BUTCHER TRAILER