Andre The Butcher

Year of Release: 2005
Genre: Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 4.4 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

When the main drawing card in any movie is a famous male porn star one has to stop for a second and wonder whether or not they’re getting themselves into something that they’d rather not. So I pondered it over, looked through what else I had to watch, checked it out on IMDB and eventually decided that I’d go for it. Turns out that, in addition to Ron Jeremy, it also has cheerleaders, a dirty old man, topless sunbathing, crude jokes, escaped convicts, lesbian experimentation and the strangest use for a homemade batch of chilli I’ve ever seen. In short it’s brilliant, funny and trashy.

Why no officer, there's nothing sexually suggestive going on here...

Cheerleading regional finals are about to begin and we’re about to be dragged along for the ride! We align ourselves with the Beavers, a group of cheerleaders made up of 3 girls and 1 guy with a dream of making it big in professional cheerleading circles. What’s nice is that all of their names match their stereotype perfectly: there’s sex-crazed Cookie, big girl Kristy (aka Kristy Kreme), good Christian girl / closeted lesbian Jasmine and studly but not-too-bright Jimbo. While out on the road their greatest rivals overtake them, throwing food at the car and waving around insulting banners. When the car carrying the rivals breaks down it provides a perfect opportunity to 1) get out and taunt them, 2) offer to help like good people would and 3) beat the crap out of your opponent when they’re rude to you. With this done the Beavers head out on the road again but, being bored, Jimbo needs a little distraction to keep him awake while driving. Thankfully Cookie’s not the kind of girl to turn down a man who needs her special brand of helpfulness and she gladly obliges and while this does help to keep Jimbo awake it also means he closes his eyes and rolls his head around a lot, which isn’t necessarily the best thing to do while driving. Next thing you know the car’s plowed into an electric pole and there’s no cellphone signal anywhere so the Beavers need to start walking to try and find a phone of some sort before their dreams of being in the finals are dashed.

How sweet, he's pointing us in the right direction.

With this being a horror movie the Beavers thankfully don’t have to walk very far before they come across a rundown old house in the middle of nowhere which is seemingly vacant with a phone that doesn’t work. While this is inconvenient the house does seem to be reasonably well stocked with bottles of water and freshly made meat dishes for Kristy Kreme to tuck into. With the mad rush to get to the cheerleading finals apparently gone Jimbo and Cookie attempt having sex on an old bed before being interrupted by Jasmine. It’s decided then that Jimbo will head back to the car to wait for help while the girls hang around and tan. Kristy decides to go along with Jimbo, leaving only Jasmine and Cookie in the house. After a quick tanning session the girls settle down to discover their sexuality through a conversation about the difference in taste and texture of vienna sausages and a tin of peaches. Their little escapade is cut tragically short when two escaped convicts from the apparently nearby prison burst into the room looking for a place to hide out. Turns out our two escapees, Hos and Tober, aren’t really all that bad because when the local sheriff tries his luck with Jasmine Hos beats the crap out of him.

Will somebody please just kill this poor man?

Oh right, before I forget: the killer. The eponymous Andre the butcher is the owner of the creepy old house in the middle of nowhere and it serves as his base of operation. When he’s not watching old reruns and eating pieces of himself he enjoys long walks around the grounds killing the surprisingly large amount of people who happened to be making their way through his territory. His killing style is simple: a good aim and a variety of cleavers and knives stored around his person. Of course when a group of young and attractive creatures make their way into his house something needs to be done about it but at least he’s thorough in his approach and takes his time to make sure the job is done both properly and brutally. But when a killer comes after you with such terrifying force and a creepy grin on his face the Beavers will need to figure out exactly why it is he’s after them and how exactly they go about killing a man who can sew his own arm back on after it’s been blown off with a shotgun.

If you’re in the mood for a really entertaining and trashy movie, I strongly recommend getting your hands on a copy of Andre the Butcher.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Wars between rival cheerleading gangs quickly become both personal and violent.
• Eyeballs are delicious in a smoothie.
• When trying to find help it’s important to be as big an asshole as possible.
• Spaghetti dinners are what keep prisoners from escaping.
• Women who refuse to eat viennas inevitably turn out to be lesbians.
• Fat girls are easily lured by a doughnut on a string.
• God provides bullets for those in need.
• Every woman dreams of having a knight in shining polyester come to her rescue.

ANDRE THE BUTCHER TRAILER