WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
Here at the B-Horror Blog we pride ourselves on our varied and eclectic taste in terrible cinema. Whether it’s a terrible monster movie, various kinds of weather wreaking havoc on small towns, questionably scientific escapades, the Twilight franchise, or horrendously Historically Inaccurate movies, you know that Tropical Mary and I will be there. To give you an idea of just how historically inaccurate Amazons and Gladiators (which, by the way, contains no real Amazons or gladiators) is, here’s a run down of the plot: just after the Punic Wars, a man named Crassus (or, in the movie, Crassius) takes down Spartacus, the leader of the Third Servile War against Rome. Under the leadership of an unspecified Caesar, Crassius must do battle against a band of unruly Amazonian women. When the Amazons defeat Crassius, they band together with the Visigoths to bring down the Roman Empire. Now, for a timeline:
- Third Punic War (presumably what the movie is referring to), fought between the Carthaginians and Romans from 149 to 146 BC.
- Third Servile War, led by Spartacus and fought from 73 – 71 BC.
- Marcus Licinius Crassus, lived c. 115 – 53 BC.
- Julius Caesar (presumably the Caesar in question), lived 100 – 44 BC.
- Visigoth invasion of Roman Empire, successive invasions from 376 – 382 AD.
And yet this all happens in the space of a few years in this movie. Yeah, can’t say much more about the historical inaccuracy than that. Plus there’s the regular things like appalling acting and not much of a budget, not to mention the thinly veiled accents, although the breasts were really out in force for this one, so that might count for something.
- Wow, Paramount really let itself go with this one…
- Amazons and Gladiators presents: A remedial child’s attempt to learn Linear B.
- Lord Smarmacus has arrived.
- Zanobia, Gwyneth and Serena? Where the hell are we?
- Damn it, she’s still giving gradual chase!
- Connor? Seriously, where the fuck are we?
- Gallo – master of the tuning fork.
- God I love some thumpin’ Roman techno beats…
- Ooh, it’s the Dance of the 5 Veils!
- What a delightful push-up bra this one has on.
- You know, freedom would look really good on you.
- A two-boobed Amazon spy? OK, sure…
- The basic rule of Amazon camp is ‘midriff OUT!’.
- It’s rare to come across such masters of ancient Amazonian pleather.
- Dahlia and Ariel? No seriously guys, where the hell are we?!
- Finally, an answer! We’re in Transylvanian Rome.
- This is the tiniest colosseum you’re ever gonna see.
- Your fate was sealed with a broken ankle.
- Seriously? A broken ankle? Three goddesses dedicated to deciding how people die and they picked a broken ankle? Fuck, that’s a shit way to go…
- Grey Haven? In Transylvanian Rome? With Zanobia, Gwyneth, Serena, Dahlia, and Ariel? I’m so confused…
- Quickly! Kill them with wheat!
- I condemn thee to death by Cornflakes!
- Croissants? In Transylvanian Rome? With Gwyneth and Serena? I’m even more confused.
- The Battle of Grey Haven? Must have missed that somewhere in my 7-year education.
- There’s no better dog than the Roman Alsatian.
- What gorgeous French manicures these Transylvanian Roman whores have.
- Behold! The most underwhelming death of them all!
- The End.
SCENE FROM AMAZONS AND GLADIATORS
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WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
Roger Corman and Eric Roberts strike again! Having already subjected myself to Sharktopus, I felt the perverse need to watch another movie where this terrible twosome join forces to melt the brains of anyone who owns a TV. Thankfully, I wasn’t alone in this one: I had my good friend Tropical Mary helping me through it. As she put it, “Cyclops is a tale of two cities: Rome and un-Rome.”
Now, I know this isn’t a horror movie, but there is some logic floating around: since both myself and Tropical Mary are classicists, and in particular I have spent the past 7 years studying Roman history, to see this kind of thing happen to Rome is just bloody horrifying to me. The story is simple enough: giant cyclops is captured, taken to Rome, escapes, is recaptured and then used in gladiatorial combat because the Emperor Tiberius (Eric Roberts, who always looks so fucking smug with himself) thinks it’s a good idea. Since it really is that simple I thought, instead of running through the movie, I would just present the incredibly long list of Life’s Lessons Learned as compiled by myself and Tropical Mary. Enjoy! 🙂
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- Just because the Americas haven’t been discovered doesn’t mean that Rome doesn’t have a thriving pineapple import business.
- Sneakers were a common Roman fashion accessory.
- Cletus and Barbara were common Roman names.
- By developing a rudimentary teleportation device Romans were able to transport modern locks and keys back in time.
- To prepare for battle many Roman soldiers donned purple tights and knee pads.
- The emperor Augustus spent a great part of his reign slaying the world’s cyclops population.
- Medusa was a witch.
- The Colosseum was brought back through time to the reign of Tiberius. This sadly made it compress in size.
- Half a boar is the traditional Roman meal at a banquet to celebrate the capture of a cyclops.
- The entire Roman Senate was comprised of 4 senators.
- A common office bestowed on victorious soldiers was the Tribune of Nothing.
- Roman amphitheatres were often decked out with Christmas trimmings.
- The ghost of Cato was known to rock up +- 60 years after he died to host the Saturnalia.
- Gift vouchers were often given to the populace that they could exchange for Prize bread.
- Rome had a sizeable Middle Eastern dancing community.
- The priestesses of Venus had nothing better to do than shag gladiators.
- Despite being a polytheistic people the phrase ‘Oh my God!’ was relatively common.
- Despite being a polytheistic people there are no temples or altars to be seen in Rome at all.
- Roman soldiers frequently went into battle with Celtic shields and helmets with crests made from a feather boa.
- Roman gladiators often wore Spartan helmets.
- Butchers never needed to be paid for their meat.
- The name ‘Flavia’ is pronounced ‘Flaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahvia’.
- The emperor’s assistant often wore a piece of lace trimming around his head.
- Despite ‘decimate’ being a Latin word the Romans had no idea how many people it involved killing.
- Romans had amazing dental plans.
- Despite being a demilitarised zone Rome often had entire legions of soldiers in it.
- Every Roman citizen owned at least one lumo outfit.
- Emperors owned wicker boxes named ‘Lot’.
- Despite the fact that emperors were never addressed as such, the phrase ‘Yes, sire’ was often used in acknowledging their orders.
- The only way for Romans to be freed from freedom was to have a cyclops kill the emperor and for gladiators to celebrate.
- The Seven Hills of Rome refers to nothing – Rome is completely flat.
I would recommend giving it a watch – it’s one of those movies where I was laughing so hard I had tears running down my face.
BUY CYCLOPS AT AMAZON.COM
WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
If running this blog has taught me anything it’s that there’s a lot of crap out there to watch. 9 out of 10 times IMDB serves as a very useful tool for knowing just how much of a shit storm I’m walking into, but then there’s that very rare time when its rating (in my opinion) is wrong. It happened with Bikini Girls on Ice and now it’s happened with Bloodlines; this movie was actually a lot of fun. Granted it didn’t have the most amazing budget and in some of the effects it does show, but I will give props to the makers of this film for actually trying to make a decent movie rather than some piece of crap with a shitty title (*cough* Monsturd *cough*). The actors are more than capable in their roles, the storyline is a good one and overall, if this kind of movie is your thing, it provides a very solid hour-and-a-half’s worth of entertainment. Now, when you read my review, I want you to do so with a southern accent. It makes it a lot more fun 🙂
So we’re out in the middle of fuck-off nowhere where a group of inbred nut jobs are in the process of conducting a little breeding experiment. Realising that their gene pool has become a little shallow they’ve decided that the best thing to do is introduce some fresh blood. To do this they’ve been very busy trawling the countryside abducting young women whenever they happen to come across one. The head of the family rapes the women and waits to see which ones fall pregnant. Those that do land up being with child are kept in captivity for a further 9 months until they go into labour, at which point the matriarch collects the latest edition to the family, and by collect I obviously mean rip the mother open and pull the baby out. This is how lil ol’ Billy Bob came into the world of the Hackford family.
25 years later and very little has changed. The Hackford family, through its somewhat unethical breeding programme, has managed to increase its number somewhat, but there’s still the odd little bundle of horrendously mutated joy running around. The time has come for the family to once again start introducing some new blood into the line or risk producing too many mutated offspring that the Hackford name can no longer be saved. They’ve managed to capture a few girls so far, and the latest edition, and the heroine of our little story, is Amber Lynn, a delightfully southern girl who’s on her way to begin college life. Unsure of herself, she’s spurred into going by her two brothers who promise to look after the family home they inherited when their parents died until she gets back. Along the way the Hackfords manage to capture Amber Lynn and she’s taken to their home in the middle of the woods, leaving brothers Brody and Bear worried sick about their baby girl and what might possibly have happened to her.
The updated breeding plan is actually quite clever. First off the Hackfords capture several girls and keep all of them as possible candidates to be human incubators. Once they’ve gathered up enough of these candidates the whole family is summoned to the house and an improvised arena is set up in the lounge. Two girls are then pitted against one another in gladiatorial style combat and must fight one another to the death. This is to weed out any weak women amongst the group of captives and the survivor is then taken away. Billy Bob, as the new head of the family since his father is ill, is in charge of all of this and is responsible for impregnating the victors. When it comes to Amber Lynn, however, this family has bitten off far more than they can chew. Having already attempted an escape 5 minutes after being taken captive this girl puts her many years of outdoors experience and hunting training (and, by the looks of it, she killed the bears with her bare hands) to work, hurting anyone who gets in her way. Her mama and papa done raised her right though, and she’s more than willing to help out the other girls and get them out as well. And then there’s her two brothers, mountains of manliness out looking for their sister with a lot of muscle and a great aim with a crossbow. Things for the Hackfords are about to get really, really messy.
Maybe it’s just because I’m a sucker for southerners, but I really did enjoy this movie. As I said the effects in places weren’t great, but at its core it’s a good movie that has been incredibly well made for its budget with people who can actually act. It’s a rare find in the world of a b-horror junkie.
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- Every hopelessly inbred family needs at least one Billy Bob in it.
- Eating a good set of hacked-off nipples ensures that a child will grow up to be healthy.
- The greatest bonds between women are those forged while being part of an incestuous family’s breeding programme.
- Blonde women in pink tracksuits tend to make bad escape buddies.
- Breaking someone’s arm in such a way that the bone sticks out tends to make them a lot more co-operative.
- Trapped Women Gladiatorial Combat is a grossly under-reported sport.
- Women having sex with their brothers don’t want him having sex with other women. It’s wrong.
- Men having sex with their sisters are appalled by the idea of having a child with her. It’s wrong.
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