1313: Cougar Cult Ft. Tropical Mary

Year of Release: 2012
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 1.7 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy
Breast-O-Meter: 0/5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

There are some movies out there that make you want to offer your soul to the devil if it meant getting a slight reprieve from it. There are other movies, however, that the devil himself wouldn’t have, and 1313: Cougar Cult just happens to be one of those. The reasons behind choosing to watch it were numerous – I wanted to watch it because I love Linnea Quigley, I wanted Tropical Mary to watch it to see if even her gay sensibilities could withstand it, but most of all I wanted to watch it without warning the Occult Specialist what it was about and see his facial reactions. While those were funny as hell, it still wasn’t enough to make watching this movie a worthwhile endeavour. Tropical Mary summed it up best: either give us more movie or give us more porn, but don’t leave us in this purgatory where we’re neither entertained nor turned on.

This one looks like he’s missing a chromosome.

Three sisters, affectionately dubbed Overbite Edwina, Flashpoints Victoria and Forever-Lost-Thong Clara, own a gorgeous mansion in some or other unspecified opulent neighbourhood. As three older sisters living together are prone to doing these cougars are on the lookout for young, buff men to help… um… service their needs. By that I of course mean cleaning the pool and cooking them the occasional meal. If a naked, oiled up massage happens then so be it, but it’s hardly a prerequisite for the job. But these aren’t your regular run-of-the-mill MILFy cougars, oh no. These gals are a coven of blood-thirsty witch cougars. They need their young man to feed on / become their mates / offer as sacrifices to their omnipotent feline goddess Calabast. I’m assuming Calabast is the Egyptian Bastet‘s Californian cousin, but I could be entirely wrong.

A 70s disco party is about the break out…

After eating their last pool boy the cougars need to bring in a little fresh meat. Enter Coopersmith, Darwin and Rufus. Each one delectable in their own unique way, they’re only here because they want to earn some money doing a summer job. This will involve undignified levels of shirtlessness, obscenely long shower scenes and unparalleled scenes of the boys sleep-fondling themselves. Occasionally the cougars will be thrown in for good measure, but they seem rather secondary to the tighty whitey-ness of the rest of the movie. There’s some glitter, a candle and questionable cougar effects thrown into the mixture, but all this movie really is is an excuse to watch somewhere between three and six men rubbing themselves along a bed for more than half of it.

So the $1 million budget didn’t go into the special effects?

According to my research the movie was shot in only three days. Believe me, it shows! When you’re not watching young men gyrating in ways that would make Madonna uncomfortable, you’re watching scenes of the Scream Queens that have already happened at least 3 times before. Words cannot actually describe the awfulness of this movie, but if you’re in the mood to see JUST HOW BAD z-cinema can be, then this is the perfect movie to watch. If nothing else, watch it to see the terror in the guys’ eyes, the acne on their faces and their various oddly placed nipples.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Nipples make jets of water go plume.
• Straight guys regularly exchange massaging tips by massaging each other whilst being virtually naked.
• You don’t need soap to have an intensive, all-body wash down.
• This movie proves that some actors don’t have breakout roles, they have come out roles.
• You can only feel a person’s aura if you stand behind them while they’re showering.
• You only need one candle to summon a demon hell goddess.
• Fairy dust works perfectly well as an agent for possessing a person’s soul.

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Banshee!!!

Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 4 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

In the great big world of b-grade horror, with so many titles vying for my attention, a movie needs to do a little something to catch my eye and make me want to see it. The three exclamation marks in this one’s title were enough to do it for me, and after the crushing disappointment that was Kinky Killers I was ready for something that would tickle my funny bone a little. This one came very close to being funny, but was ultimately let down by the fact that the actors appear to have been picked up at the local bus station and given 5 minutes to remember their lines. By the time this reality fully drove itself home I was already about 20 minutes in, so I figured I might as well finish watching it.

The Un-Virgin Mary appears from the mist…

Back in 1970 smoking weed was all the rage. It was so fashionable, in fact, that it distracted certain men from the fact that they were sitting around in their mother’s basement, half-dressed and closing in on 40. It truly was a golden age. One fateful night three stoners, having previously passed a few lazy, hazy hours watching a rudimentary form of porn, decide that they’re hungry and head out in the pursuit of snacks. On this journey a miracle happens: out of the mist, in the middle of the road, accompanied by a wind machine and perfectly placed back light, emerges the female from said rudimentary porn video. Questioning nothing, including why she literally has buckets of green saliva, the stoners let her into the car and offer to drive her all night to get to her destination. This was the last Good Samaritan act any of them will ever perform. The woman quickly slashes all of them to pieces and crashes the car into a shallow puddle of water, where it will lie untouched for nearly 40 years.

You need all this to fix a radio?

In the year 2008 the shallow puddle of water has since evaporated, leaving the old car exposed. Jack Gorman, with the help of two buddies, his dog and some industrial building machinery, manages to drag the old car out for reasons vaguely alluded to. In the car’s boot he discovers a very strange, squishy object that (to the trained monster movie eye) resembles a kind of cocoon. He thinks nothing about it, and heads on home for dinner. Elsewhere in the forest a group of young college creatures has just arrived to celebrate Spring Break. Veronica, our blonde and chinless heroine, wants to get together with all her old friends to rekindle the interest they once had in one another. Whilst it was hard to imagine anyone once having an interest in any member of this group, I decided to suspend disbelief and see where the movie wanted to take me.

Cave Man Banshee goes a huntin’.

Just to clear up any confusion anyone may be experiencing, the cocoon from earlier had a banshee (!!!) in it and now it’s running around the woods. The kids find this out relatively early into their camping trip when one of them gets a branch rammed through their face. Jack and his nephew Rocker have been having a stand-off with the creature for a few days, but it’s making quick work of anyone else who just happens to be wandering through the woods. Its scream isn’t only debilitating but, if you’re exposed to it for long enough, your head will explode. When the surviving kids manage to find Jack’s house they all need to band together to fend off the banshee (!!!) or land up being ripped limb from limb and drained of blood. Personally, in a toss-up between the dismemberment and watching this movie again, I’m still in two minds about which one I’d go for.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• So far as stalkers go you could do a lot worse than the average looking black guy.
• Good friends will teleport ahead of the group to set up the camp site.
• It’s very unusual for a banshee to live outside its natural Irish habitat.
• Women who go camping are just asking to be pursued by a sexual deviant.
• When your wife has been brutally slain you should wait a few days before mopping up the blood.
• Some people go to college to do more than just drink beer and pee on things.

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Terror at Blood Fart Lake

Year of Release: 2009
Genre: Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 3.1 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy
Breast-O-Meter: 1 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Let’s all be honest with one another right from the get go: this movie’s title really gives away the fact that you’re not meant to take it seriously. Since it falls on the ‘Lobotomy’ end of the Level of Awful scale it ranks itself right up there with the absolute worst of the worst but, at the same time, gives you one of the best laughs you’ll ever have. I literally nearly wet myself a few times during the movie’s 70-odd minute run. It’s a cautionary tale about choosing your vacation destination’s name wisely, the power of Evanescence in the goth community and the need to be careful when allowing Tim Burton near your anal cavity.

It’s not gay if it came out the fruit bowl.

If one thing rings true about today’s youth it’s that they’re always ready to flock to an attractively named holiday resort. To be honest, of the 6 main characters we have to keep our eye on, I can only remember Gwen’s name. The reason for this is that, rather than running around a lake on holiday, Gwen should be institutionalised and subjected to electric shock therapy until she sorts some of her shit out. You wouldn’t think that one woman could live her life in a constant state of dancing and jazz hands. The rest of the group is made up of a very ungothic goth chick, a guy from New Jersey whose mouth moves but nothing resembling words come out, a stoner wigger New Jersey guy light, a guy who makes and sells shirts and another girl with ample bosoms (and ample everything else).

Why is the goth wearing pink hearts?

Trying to explain the storyline (what little there is) is an exercise in futility. Instead allow me to regale you with some dialogue from our dear, beloved characters:

“Can’t I just kill a squirrel and use that as a rubber?”

“Do you practice the dark arts? And listen to Evanescence?”

“I had a dream that you were rubbing Toblerone all over my asshole. Then Tim Burton popped up… and scurried away into my anal cavity.”

“Cling tenaciously to my ass!”

“It was good, but I reject the taste of your syrup. A warrior woman must be purified with only the finest nut butter before battle.”

No, I’m far too classy to do that…

So yeah, that should give you a clue of what you’re up against if you choose to go forward with watching this movie. Thrown into the mix is a cursed and very gay scarecrow, amateur liposuction, a varied selection of $1 wigs and fake moustaches, incredibly sharp corn, scenes that go a little bit further than softcore porn, people constantly popping out the floor, driving passed Jupiter on our way to Blood Fart Lake and women trained in the fine art of using sabre-toothed ass leeches to defeat her enemies. Another word of caution: there isn’t a single attractive person in this movie, no matter what preference you may have.

I don’t know what else to say. This isn’t one of those movies that words could ever do justice for. It will do unspeakable things to your mind, it’ll make you question every belief you’ve ever held and it will ruin Toblerones for you for the rest of your life. Even with all that, I still recommend you grab a copy and give it a watch. Just don’t do it alone – this is best done as a group effort so you can help each other get off the floor when it’s all over.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• A full bladder of urine can easily be turned into a full tank of petrol.
• A broken car engine can be fixed by unscrewing a single screw in the car’s hood.
• An evening of eats and wild tomfoolery is now limited to a few dry crackers and telling ghost stories.
• Things can be as square as a rhombus.
• Kernels of corn can be used with brutal and bloody efficiency.
• Fat people’s bodies are made up of a combination of blood and whipped cream with roughly 1 part blood to 30 parts whipped cream.
• Certain lakes don’t make you wet when you swim in them.
• Tibetan monks are currently training an army of sabre-toothed ass leech-wielding warriors.

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Wicked Lake

Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.1 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 4.5 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Well it wasn’t a Witch’s Sabbath so far as the Breast-O-Meter was concerned but it really did give it its very best shot. Wicked Lake is one of those extremely rare films that not only is horrifying in terms of its plot and execution, but also makes you (or at least me) feel incredibly uncomfortable while watching it. It’s possible the writers or director had some really kinky fetishes that they felt absolutely had to be incorporated into the movie but personally the combination of lesbian lovin’ and torture porn is a difficult one.

So there's a whole lot of this going on...

Our dear movie starts off with a perfect example of the ever popular ‘awkward moment’. We’re in a (community) college of some sort where Ilene is busy posing nude for an art class. Caleb, a very awkward student in a very flamboyant pink shirt and jeans so tight you can tell his religion, begins to fantasise about Ilene doing a little dance for him in the middle of class. Petrified by his own fantasy he runs out the room and waits for Ilene in the parking lot. What follows is some awkward standing around followed by an equally awkward walk back to Ilene’s place. When they get there Caleb shows Ilene a picture of a unicorn he drew in class and she, in turn, whips out one of her breasts for him. Their awkward moment is interrupted by one of Ilene’s friends who walks out the door at that point and Caleb runs home crying.

The first reincarnation is always the hardest.

As with this movie in general weirdness must be followed by even more weirdness so next we are shown a little sneak peek into Ilene’s home life. She lives with her three friends Mary, Helen and Jill. Now, these girls are incredibly close in a constantly-naked-and-licking-one-another kind of way. All four of them share in a little sex before hopping in their car and heading away to a little cabin in the woods for the weekend. Elsewhere we are introduced to Caleb’s family. At some point his parents died and his brother took over looking after the family. This brother is strange and likes to make out with Caleb, the other brother’s clearly more than a little touched in the head and their uncle is in a wheelchair and seemingly addicted to a cocktail of pain medications. Since Caleb came home late from college that day (the family doesn’t support him going to college) everyone is angry. Caleb’s not the most articulate character you’ve ever seen to begin with and this altercation with the family really doesn’t make things any better. After disappearing and coming back with no pants and a different pink shirt he tells everyone that he knows how to make up for his bad behaviour.

This is going to leave minor bruising...

The plan to make up for his behaviour, of course, involves going up to the cabin, holding the girls at knife point and having them perform a variety of humiliating acts on the strange clan of men. How Caleb knows where this cabin is is an entirely different story that we, the audience, are not privy to. We are then subjected to about 15 minutes of ass slapping and puke wiping before the movie decides that it wants to take a left turn into a completely different genre. When the full moon comes out something happens to the girls: they gain animal-like strength and growling noises. These things lead to the very obvious conclusion that these girls are werewol… I mean witches. 1000s of years old witches. A coven of lesbian witches. And now they’re going to fight back and show the boys just how mean they can be. This will involve a lot of biting, gallons of fake blood and a lot of licking blood and taking human fleshing out of one another’s mouths. Thrown in there for good measure are two cops constantly smoking weed trying to hunt the girls down after discovering their underground stash of bodies. Who will make it out alive? I can’t say, but be prepared for an incredibly strange torture method involving a giant black dildo.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• $20 an hour is the going rate for posing nude.
• Posing nude is better than waitressing or giving blowjobs to strangers.
• Women will just let awkward hipsters fondle their breasts in the driveway.
• College is something to be tolerated, but definitely not supported.
• Lesbians, in a group context, are known to participate in synchronised sexing.
• Little girls who don’t answer strangers’ questions go to hell.
• Some witches are incredibly forward thinking and concerned about environmental issues.
• Calling for necessary reinforcements is for TV cops and pussies only.

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Do You Wanna Know A Secret

Year of Release: 2001
Genre:  Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 2.9 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Oh dear dear dear. First of all, before we even tackle the movie itself, I have a simple question: where the hell is the question mark at the end of the title? It really doesn’t bode well when the makers of the film couldn’t even get their title to be grammatically correct. Secondly, despite its somewhat I Know What You Did Last Summer cover this really is just one more poorly made slasher movie about bratty college kids in a heavily polluted ocean of poorly made slasher movies about bratty college kids. And last, but certainly not least, yes I would like to know a secret. With this suggestive title one might imagine that we would receive enlightenment about this great secret that drives the plot but sadly this is not the case. At least I don’t think it’s the case. If what happens at the end is the secret, then this movie is even lamer than if there wasn’t a secret.

Big... word... make... head... HURT!

But before I can begin telling you the wonderous magnificence of this movie we need some back story that the main plotline can be painfully birthed from later. A college student of the male persuasion is in his shabby chic little room (minus the chic bit) listening to music by the glow of a lava lamp when someone slips a note under his door. On the note the words ‘Do You Wanna Know A Secret?’ (see, how come they could put the question mark in here but not in the title? Continuity issues…) are emblazoned in giant red marking pen. Being a curious lad who would indeed love to know a secret he wanders out into the corridor looking for the person who so sneakily sent the note. The corridors are teaming with as much life as a zombie that’s been out in the sun for 10 years so he returns to his room to continue getting dressed. Just as he walks in a robed figure, emerging from the shadows, marches into the room armed with an axe and brutally murders him. In a touching moment the man lies there, his last seconds of life slipping away, clinging to the shattered photo of him and his girlfriend.

Suddenly, a Chuck Norris Impressionists convention breaks out...

Now whilst all of this is very sad a year has passed and the one-time flame of the dead man needs to move on with her life. Now, what’s a square-faced girl fresh out of rehab, on very strong (what I’m assuming to be) antipsychotics and with a new piece of boy candy on her arm to do with her life? Oh yeah, that’s right: spring break (in winter) and debaucherous antics with her closest and bitchiest friends! So off Beth (ex of the dead man) and Hank (new boyfriend of the ex of the dead man) go to Florida to meet up with Tina (blonde slut), Nellie (Latina slut), Oz (token black guy) and Brad (token disturbed white bloke). When they arrive in Florida the world becomes their oyster; there are just so many fun things to do without parental supervision that the mind boggles. I mean this group are every bit as hardcore in their partying as Dorothy, Blanche, Rose and Sophia ever were. But something is about to go wrong. After disembarking from their boat after a night of boozing and cruising (don’t worry, there appears to have been a designated captain) Brad is killed by a robed man while tying up the boat.

Why yes, I am surprised. Why do you ask?

Not that the death of their friend seems to have any major impact on the group, mind you. Assuming that Brad’s gone off on a bender or met up with a hooker the remaining group of friends press on with their binge and purge cycle of copious amounts alcohol in the evening followed by copious amounts of fruit juice in the morning. The fact that the words ‘Do You Wanna Know A Secret?’ are scrawled across Brad’s computer screen don’t even alert them to the fact that something might be wrong. It takes Beth actually seeing the robed and masked figure killing another man in a parking lot for her to realise that something is in fact wrong and that her life may be in danger. Unfortunately for her Florida seems to be filled with backwood hicks for policemen and they refuse to let her or her friends leave until they can figure out what’s going on. Even the FBI are powerless to do anything in the face of a local sheriff. But as the murderer reappears and mysteriously manages to keep breaking into their unlocked, doors-wide-open mansion and slowly kill them off one by one, the time must come for Beth to face her fears, figure out if she would perhaps like to know a secret and stop the killer before it’s too late.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• It’s quite common for women to experience 3 dreams in one while dealing with a tragic loss.
• In a bartering society women will often flash their breasts in exchange for a taco.
• Some people don’t realise that you need to turn a computer on before you can do anything with it.
• Discussing brutally slaughtered boyfriends tends to ruin a party mood.
• Non-bitchy women dream of growing up to become enormous bitches one day.
• The only thing stopping some women from going after the Pope is not knowing where Rome is.
• Some women don’t mind having their drinks spiked. To them it’s just a new experience.
• It’s unnatural for people to die while on vacation.

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