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Dracula 3000

Year of Release: 2004
Genre: Horror / Sci-Fi
IMDB Rating: 2 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Holy sweet mother of God my brain… I’m not much of a vampire fan, my preference has always been with zombies. None of this intelligence nonsense, just eat the damn human and be done with it. I’m sure I’m not the only one with this prejudice, which is why Dracula 3000 is actually quite heart warming: a vampire movie that was clearly made by a horde of mindless zombies. This isn’t so much a movie as it is 86 minutes worth of shots of a storage / boiler room with various morons running around in it. If they were going for a Jason X kind of vibe they missed the mark horribly. I honestly cannot think of a single person I would recommend this movie to. If you are unfortunate enough to come across it expose it to sunlight (or a blowtorch) and wait until it melts.

This man needs an intense moisturiser, stat!

In the year 2950 the spaceship Demeter was just cruising through the universe when it ran into a spot of bother. After picking up some cargo the ship’s crew all became mysteriously ill and the captain began to lose control of the ship as all the guidance systems began to fail and the engines failed to fire. I’m sure the captain’s wife had very similar complaints, but that’s a story for another day. When the ship’s emergency distress signals would no longer go out the Demeter became lost in space for the next 50 years. In the year 3000 Captain Abraham van Helsing and his ship, the Mother III, are also cruising through the universe and just happen to stumble upon the Demeter. Given the size of the universe the fact that you would stumble across anything at all is quite remarkable, but here we are.  Claiming salvage rights on the Demeter van Helsing and his crew board the stricken star liner to see what happened to it and just how much they can make off with.

Casper van Dien is tired of your shit!

Accompanying van Helsing is the most useless crew space ever has or ever will see. Aurora is the token blonde who’s an uncomfortable cross between radical feminist and sex kitten. Mina is the whiny female intern that tries to do stuff but can only accomplish things with the help of men. Our on board professor is a cripple who actually seems to know very little about anything other than whining and hiding under things. Then we have our two stock black characters: the pot head, 187, and the take-no-shit-and-kick-your-puny-white-ass Humvee. Points must be given for their collective intelligence: as soon as they discover the very first rotten corpse tied to a chair with a crucifix in its hand they have this sneaky suspicion that something may have gone wrong on the ship. Van Helsing’s the loose bolt in the fine machine that is the collective intelligence of the crew since he’s not going to let one little rotten corpse and rooms littered with crucifixes frighten him off from collecting a little scrap metal. He’s far too manly for that kind of thing.

Stabbed through the heart, and you’re to blame. You give love a bad name.

So what could have possibly happened to the Demeter? Well, you see, what happened goes a little something like this: while cruising through the galaxy the ship received a transmission from the planet Transylvania in the Carpathian star system. No I’m not making a joke, that’s really where they were. Since none of this set off any alarm bells the Demeter’s captain obviously wasn’t going to question why he was transporting over a dozen coffins through space towards Earth. Turns out that Transylvania is a vampire planet (gasp, shock, horror) and Count Orlock, the head vampire, wants to be taken to Earth for a little snack. Oh, if only now, 50 years later, there coincidentally happened to be the descendant of some of the best vampire hunters in history on board the Demeter! If such a hero were here then perhaps he could save the day and defeat the evil Count? Even if he had to do so while being surrounded by useless professors, whiny women and stereotyped black men. To be fair I didn’t see the ending coming. The flip side of that coin, however, is that the ending is awful and makes you want to throw a brick through the TV. You have all been warned.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Women dream of a life where they can work alongside sweaty men for no pay.
  • Lacking a sustainable blood source, vampires transform into beach sand and hibernate.
  • Vampires make whooshing noises whenever they move.
  • Most intergalactic starships come equipped with a modest speed internet connection.
  • Only white people suck other people’s blood.
  • Women should be tied up and held captive whenever they offer advice that may save your life.

DRACULA 3000 TRAILER

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Bite Marks

Year of Release: 2011
Genre: Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 3.6 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!
Breast-O-Meter: 1 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

IMDB is a wonderful thing. Without it finding the movies for this blog would be incredibly difficult and the rating system gives you a vague idea of just how much pain you’re about to experience. Every now and then, though, I disagree with that rating system. It happened with Bikini Girls on Ice and now it’s happened with Bite Marks. This movie was actually really good and fun to watch and, unlike some other movies I’ve seen, it was intentionally funny. I’ll be the first to admit that I have low standards and if you throw in a waitress with a strong southern twang I’m happy but if you’re in the mood for some light-hearted horror then I suggest giving this one a spin.

Flaming (torch). Swallows (t-shirt).

Cary and Vogel are a nice young gay couple out on a backpacking adventure trying to rediscover some of the fire in their relationship. Cary is the nice, calm, down-to-earth guy and Vogel is, well, a slut. Vogel also doesn’t seem overly keen on this little adventure in the woods so when he manages to flag down a truck that’ll give them a ride he seems a little more content with life. Behind the wheel of the truck is Brewster, your typical rugged, unrefined but incredibly friendly truck driver. Not that he’s actually a truck driver but his brother went missing before he was meant to deliver some coffins to a funeral home so Brewster’s filling in for him. Not out of the kindness of his heart so much as he needs the money to keep up his affair with his brother’s wife but a favour is a favour. The three of them are soon on the road together, one to deliver coffins and two to see where the hell the road will take them.

Backstreet Boys: the later years.

Sadly Brewster, for all his rugged manliness, has been having troubles satisfying the ladies recently. Just can’t quite seem to keep the momentum going so to speak. The reason for this becomes glitteringly obvious when he spies Cary and Vogel getting in on in the filthy restroom of a restaurant they’ve stopped at along the way. Brewster’s not gay in any way, of course, but he does take the time to see how Cary and Vogel are doing and then feel himself up a little bit outside the door. Sexing and spying over it’s time to hit the road again and, as luck would have it, a car nearly crashes into them right outside their destination. If it hadn’t who knows how long they would’ve kept on driving.

Here's Jesus in your eye!

When the GPS tells them they’ve reached their destination our threesome is understandably confused. The coffins in the back are supposed to be going to a funeral home but the address they’ve been given is for a junk yard. Even more confusing are the noises coming from the back of the truck: sounds like someone’s playing a squash tournament back there. It becomes even more confusing when they open the back of the truck to discover only one coffin instead of the five listed on the inventory. This strangeness all comes to a head when suddenly, from out of nowhere, five ripped and bloody vampires appear and start nibbling on the owner of the junkyard. The truck’s axle is broken so nobody’s going anywhere so, armed with a cross, a toy Jesus, some holy water and a bible, Cary, Vogel and Brewster must lock themselves in the cab and try and stay alive until dawn, all the while trying to make sure the confined space and all that testosterone doesn’t get the better of them.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Sex is sex, so long as a lady gets her booze money.
  • Some cell phones are so poorly made that their only practical use is as a butt plug.
  • It’s quite common for waitresses to forget their panties in a public restroom.
  • The best thing about being a man is that the whole world is your toilet.
  • A torch is too small if you can’t even give a hamster a decent colonoscopy with it.
  • Being trapped in a truck by vampires offers the perfect excuse for some same-sex experimentation.
  • Good dogs make even better snacks.
  • A burning vampire smells like a bag of spicy dog shit.

BITE MARKS TRAILER

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