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Dead Clowns

Year of Release: 2003
Genre:  Horror
IMDB Rating: 2.8 / 10
Level of Awful: High

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Well, the name says it all really – this movie is about dead clowns. Not very good dead clowns, but dead clowns nonetheless. It says something, however, when I suffer from coulrophobia (fear of clowns) and wasn’t even slightly freaked out. The problem with these clowns is that, apart from the bozo outfits and colourful wigs, they don’t look like clowns because their faces are all rotten and decomposed because they’re actually zombie clowns, and everyone knows that the scariest part of a clown is its face – you’re never quite sure what’s going on underneath all that makeup. That being said, this movie’s main failing is that virtually nothing happens – you have 8 or so characters that behave with all the acting talent of a plank of wood. Usually in a bad movie at least one person can let out a good scream. Not here. “Oh. no. it’s. going. to. kill. me.” Who knew that you could be bored when being eaten by a zombie clown?

"Can't sleep, clowns will eat me". Turns out he was right.

We start our little adventure in Port Emmett (a.k.a. News ArchiveVille) where a serious hurricane is about to hit. I have renamed Port Emmett News ArchiveVille because there isn’t actually a town to speak of but rather different sequences of spliced-together archive footage of actual hurricanes. While the citizens of News ArchiveVille batten down the hatches and wait for the hurricane to make landfall a woman tells her husband (?) about the events of 50 years ago when a hurricane, very similar to the one they are currently in the middle of, hit the town and caused the bridge over the sea to collapse. On the train was a travelling circus and everyone was thrown into the water. The clown car was never recovered and the town buried the story and purged it from their collective memory. Until now. As the hurricane becomes more intense, the clowns rise from the dead and the deep to take revenge on the town that forgot about them.

Bozo's mud facial did him more harm than good.

This is where the movie begins to concoct a mixture of weird, confusing and boring. Instead of focusing on a single character or group of survivors the movie decides to run around different houses and show how the clowns are going on the rampage. To this end we have the following characters: Blonde Woman, Goth Girl and Goth Boy (collectively, Goth Couple), Boy in Wheelchair and Boy in Wheelchair’s Brother (I think, nothing’s made that clear), Druggie Security Guard, Hometown Woman and Hometown Woman’s husband and Girl in Oversized Jersey. None of these characters are at all likeable, mainly due to the fact that the camera never settles on them for more than 10 minutes. Add to this that they are so pathetic in their survival attempts that you wish the zombies would just hurry up and eat them so we can move on.

♫ We're zombies in the rain, just zombies in the rain. What a glorious feeling, we're alive again!♫

The rest of this never-ending story comprises mainly of the zombie clowns slowly staggering around after the members of this little village. Since only two of the characters actually meet it takes an awfully long time before anyone figures out how the zombies can be sent back to their watery grave. I’m also convinced that Steve Sessions, the director, was turned into a zombie during the making of the movie if the speed that anyone goes at is a good indication of anything. On the up side, however, it is incredibly fun to try and analyse the attempt at a subplot with Goth Couple, to try to make out what Goth Couple are saying since the microphone guy couldn’t seem to get up the energy to walk over to them and you can always have a good laugh at the attack scenes since, rather than making contact, it would appear that zombie clowns and humans alike enjoy fanning one another with any weapon they can lay their hands on.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED:

  • Snorting sugar crystals allows you to see into the future.
  • Small towns purge themselves of any memories to do with a clown-related tragedy.
  • Revenge for a clown is really just a matter of pride.
  • Insulting a clown’s pride by forgetting about them leads to them eating you.
  • Despite being submerged for over 50 years a clown’s costume is always crisp and clean.
  • Hurricanes bring clowns back from the dead.
  • An unlocked door is not a good defense against an undead clown.
  • Your body can be crushed by a piece of drywall.
  • Unlike regular zombies that prefer brains, clown zombies go right for the intestines.
  • Having a priest’s brain in your hair is a major turn-on for some people.

Dead Clowns Trailer

Blood Dolls

Year of Release: 1999
Genre:  Comedy / Horror / Sci-Fi
IMDB Rating: 3.3 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium

WHAT ITS ABOUT:

This was a great disappointment for me. Having been directed by Charles Band, the man who produced Puppet Master and Demonic Toys, I was hoping that this movie would have brought me some of the same somewhat-perverse joy at seeing a group of toys going off on a little killing spree armed with little weapons that they use with great creativity. Sadly all that Blood Dolls manages to succeed at is rehashing an old idea and ripping it to shreds. That said, the movie does get points for having a little bit of something for everyone: racism, BDSM, rock music, scary clowns, killer toys, female empowerment and dwarf tossing, to name but a few.

Our story centers around multi-billionaire Virgil Travis, a deformed recluse who is now incredibly pissed off that three business competitors have managed to screw him out of a billion dollars. As all good reclusive mad scientists do in times such as this, Travis begins plotting his revenge against those that dared to cross his path. To do this he creates three killer dolls out of the people who failed him the most:  the prosecutor, the judge and the lawyer that failed to defend him. The dolls are accompanied on their various missions by Travis’ henchman Mr Mascaro (supposedly a human version of Jack Attack from Demonic Toys), a seemingly competent individual who likes to wear clown makeup. But while the dolls take Travis’ revenge on his nemeses and the midget butler keeps the encaged rock band playing, everything is not as it seems and there is a player in the game that Travis has not considered.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED:

  • When exposed to a vacuum, the human body naturally converts itself into an action figure.
  • Being turned into an action figure makes people evil.
  • People are capable of having fully functioning brains even when their heads are the size of a kiwi fruit.
  • When not killing people, evil dolls just like to play around like kids.
  • Electronic gates open without electricity.
  • When using a guitar like a golf club, midgets can be thrown great distances.
  • Saying “nothing human can touch you, I’d bet my life on it” means that you will be attacked by some otherworldly creature.
  • Clowns frequently have a side job as a minister.

Zombie Women of Satan

Year of Release: 2009
Genre:  Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.4 / 10
Level of Awful: High

WHAT ITS ABOUT:

When nobody bothers to make a Wikipedia page for a movie it really tells you something. Zombie Women of Satan is also a misleading title since Satan, like the plot-line, is nowhere to be found.

A travelling group of freaks, headed up by Pervo the Clown, go to a rural farm to take part in a webcast interview to help them gain more followers and make the public aware of their awesome freakishness. Unbeknownest to our little group, however, this same rural farm is also home to a combined cult for women / zombie research laboratory. When the zombie virus is mistakenly added to a bowl of punch women, with breasts flying, are sent on a murderous, cannibalistic rampage that only this little band of circus freaks can stop. To add a little suspense the main kick-ass female of the group, Red Zander, discovers her long-lost sister in amongst the women of the cult. The group must then attempt to save the sister while avoiding the mad doctor, his weird and mad children, his weirdly demented and tied-up wife (or mother, or wife / mother – the movie isn’t really clear on this one), as well as the now-zombified members of this odd little cult.

But never fear, dear viewer: to ensure that the tension of this movie doesn’t all become too much, it is broken up by a good 10 minutes of a midget named Zeus taking a shit in the woods.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED:

  • In a world filled with homophobia, the perverted clown and gay cowboy couple will never be allowed to know just how long their love could last.
  • When done in the name of science, having sex with a zombie is completely ethical.
  • It is also entirely appropriate to show said sex scene with the zombie to your mother (or grandmother, or mother / girlfriend or mother / grandmother / sex slave – again, this is a grey area).
  • Daddy issues will lead girls to start and organise cults to get their father’s attention.
  • A good zombie research scientist is confident enough in his work to not keep a large supply of guns and bullets on hand.
  • Clowns have a really bad aim when armed with a chainsaw.
  • Midgets, like bears, really do shit in the woods.
  • Before fighting off a pack of zombies, be sure to remove all of the protective armour you happened to have on at the time.

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