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Rise of the Gargoyles

Year of Release: 2009
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.8 / 10
Level of Awful: Low
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

A new year, another round of crappy movies. Oh, it makes my soul feel happy 🙂 First of all, let’s clear some things up about this movie. To start, the title is misleading: there is, in fact, only a single gargoyle. Secondly, the CGI wasn’t bad for this type of outing, although you don’t see the gargoyle very often so it probably explains how they could afford to do it reasonably well. Finally, Eric Balfour should stick to being in Haven. All that being said, this wasn’t a terrible movie. It was boring as hell most of the way through, but when things happened they happened quite well. All in all, a good way to ease ourselves into 2012, b-grade style!

Well that sounds absolutely ludicrous! Of course I'll star in it!

We begin our slow adventure with Jack Randall, a university professor who’s in a bad way at the moment. He’s busy going through a divorce and nobody wants to publish his latest book. If it weren’t for the fact that his class on gargoyles was going so well and the blonde and lovely Carol is throwing herself at him relentlessly the gods alone know what he might do to himself. Carol, feeling that Jack needs to get over his depression so that he can a.) move on with his life and b.) mount her decides to take him to a church that’s busy being torn down. They have some amazing gargoyles stuck around the building and since it’s about to be demolished anyway a little breaking and entering really won’t do all that much harm. Dear, sweet Carol. If only she knew what slightly horrifying creature she and Jack are about to unleash on the world…

Damn things will insist on playing with their food...

Perhaps ‘the world’ is a bit too broad a term. At the very least they’re gonna unleash the creature on Pseudo-France. You know it’s Pseudo-France because everyone speaks English to one another but in that put-on heavy French accent that no actual French speaker has. Anyway before you know it the monster is wreaking small-scale havoc across whatever city we might be in and Carol’s about to find herself without a head. Ripping off heads appears to be the gargoyle’s preferred method of attack. Why Carol was attacked but the gargoyle is a mystery, but it just might have something to do with the glowing things that look like overripe avocados that she stole from the church. Jack, finding out what happened to her, is understandably distraught but finding it difficult to find anyone who will believe his gargoyle story. Things aren’t helped by the fact that the local chief of police (the most Pseudo-French character in the entire movie) thinks that it’s Jack responsible for ripping the heads of random people and dragging their bodies up the side of buildings.

The gargoyle, enjoying irony, thought it would be funny to hide out in a church.

Good thing for Jack that the one thing you can rely on anywhere in the world is a crack-pot journalist looking for bizarre stories to uncover and expose. Nicole, who gradually loses her Pseudo-French accent as the movie goes on, and her cameraman Walsh are more than happy to lend a hand in exposing the truth behind the gargoyle that’s stalking Pseudo-France. They will be joined by a rather trigger happy Father Gable who also has some minor experience in using explosives. In the confined spaces of a labyrinthine-like church there’s no way that this can possibly go wrong. Armed with a few guns, a big UV light and a vague idea of what they’re going to do when they find the beast the four of them set off on the hunt for the gargoyle. But the gargoyle’s protecting something more than just itself, something that it’s prepared to fight to the death for…

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Universities now offer entire degrees that cater to those wishing to specialise in gargoyle studies.
  • It’s entirely possible to contain an ancient evil by sticking it behind a flimsy wooden door.
  • Building a church on top of an old church is fairly similar to building a house on a Native American burial ground.
  • Gargoyles have amazing homing techniques and can stalk prey that have wandered into their hellish lair for hundreds of miles.
  • There are no religious problems with a priest killing a woman to use as bait to lure a gargoyle into a trap.
  • Any unholy creature that makes its nest in a church should immediately be referred to as The Beast.

RISE OF THE GARGOYLES TRAILER

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Do You Wanna Know A Secret

Year of Release: 2001
Genre:  Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 2.9 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Oh dear dear dear. First of all, before we even tackle the movie itself, I have a simple question: where the hell is the question mark at the end of the title? It really doesn’t bode well when the makers of the film couldn’t even get their title to be grammatically correct. Secondly, despite its somewhat I Know What You Did Last Summer cover this really is just one more poorly made slasher movie about bratty college kids in a heavily polluted ocean of poorly made slasher movies about bratty college kids. And last, but certainly not least, yes I would like to know a secret. With this suggestive title one might imagine that we would receive enlightenment about this great secret that drives the plot but sadly this is not the case. At least I don’t think it’s the case. If what happens at the end is the secret, then this movie is even lamer than if there wasn’t a secret.

Big... word... make... head... HURT!

But before I can begin telling you the wonderous magnificence of this movie we need some back story that the main plotline can be painfully birthed from later. A college student of the male persuasion is in his shabby chic little room (minus the chic bit) listening to music by the glow of a lava lamp when someone slips a note under his door. On the note the words ‘Do You Wanna Know A Secret?’ (see, how come they could put the question mark in here but not in the title? Continuity issues…) are emblazoned in giant red marking pen. Being a curious lad who would indeed love to know a secret he wanders out into the corridor looking for the person who so sneakily sent the note. The corridors are teaming with as much life as a zombie that’s been out in the sun for 10 years so he returns to his room to continue getting dressed. Just as he walks in a robed figure, emerging from the shadows, marches into the room armed with an axe and brutally murders him. In a touching moment the man lies there, his last seconds of life slipping away, clinging to the shattered photo of him and his girlfriend.

Suddenly, a Chuck Norris Impressionists convention breaks out...

Now whilst all of this is very sad a year has passed and the one-time flame of the dead man needs to move on with her life. Now, what’s a square-faced girl fresh out of rehab, on very strong (what I’m assuming to be) antipsychotics and with a new piece of boy candy on her arm to do with her life? Oh yeah, that’s right: spring break (in winter) and debaucherous antics with her closest and bitchiest friends! So off Beth (ex of the dead man) and Hank (new boyfriend of the ex of the dead man) go to Florida to meet up with Tina (blonde slut), Nellie (Latina slut), Oz (token black guy) and Brad (token disturbed white bloke). When they arrive in Florida the world becomes their oyster; there are just so many fun things to do without parental supervision that the mind boggles. I mean this group are every bit as hardcore in their partying as Dorothy, Blanche, Rose and Sophia ever were. But something is about to go wrong. After disembarking from their boat after a night of boozing and cruising (don’t worry, there appears to have been a designated captain) Brad is killed by a robed man while tying up the boat.

Why yes, I am surprised. Why do you ask?

Not that the death of their friend seems to have any major impact on the group, mind you. Assuming that Brad’s gone off on a bender or met up with a hooker the remaining group of friends press on with their binge and purge cycle of copious amounts alcohol in the evening followed by copious amounts of fruit juice in the morning. The fact that the words ‘Do You Wanna Know A Secret?’ are scrawled across Brad’s computer screen don’t even alert them to the fact that something might be wrong. It takes Beth actually seeing the robed and masked figure killing another man in a parking lot for her to realise that something is in fact wrong and that her life may be in danger. Unfortunately for her Florida seems to be filled with backwood hicks for policemen and they refuse to let her or her friends leave until they can figure out what’s going on. Even the FBI are powerless to do anything in the face of a local sheriff. But as the murderer reappears and mysteriously manages to keep breaking into their unlocked, doors-wide-open mansion and slowly kill them off one by one, the time must come for Beth to face her fears, figure out if she would perhaps like to know a secret and stop the killer before it’s too late.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • It’s quite common for women to experience 3 dreams in one while dealing with a tragic loss.
  • In a bartering society women will often flash their breasts in exchange for a taco.
  • Some people don’t realise that you need to turn a computer on before you can do anything with it.
  • Discussing brutally slaughtered boyfriends tends to ruin a party mood.
  • Non-bitchy women dream of growing up to become enormous bitches one day.
  • The only thing stopping some women from going after the Pope is not knowing where Rome is.
  • Some women don’t mind having their drinks spiked. To them it’s just a new experience.
  • It’s unnatural for people to die while on vacation.

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