WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
There are some movies out there that make you want to offer your soul to the devil if it meant getting a slight reprieve from it. There are other movies, however, that the devil himself wouldn’t have, and 1313: Cougar Cult just happens to be one of those. The reasons behind choosing to watch it were numerous – I wanted to watch it because I love Linnea Quigley, I wanted Tropical Mary to watch it to see if even her gay sensibilities could withstand it, but most of all I wanted to watch it without warning the Occult Specialist what it was about and see his facial reactions. While those were funny as hell, it still wasn’t enough to make watching this movie a worthwhile endeavour. Tropical Mary summed it up best: either give us more movie or give us more porn, but don’t leave us in this purgatory where we’re neither entertained nor turned on.
Three sisters, affectionately dubbed Overbite Edwina, Flashpoints Victoria and Forever-Lost-Thong Clara, own a gorgeous mansion in some or other unspecified opulent neighbourhood. As three older sisters living together are prone to doing these cougars are on the lookout for young, buff men to help… um… service their needs. By that I of course mean cleaning the pool and cooking them the occasional meal. If a naked, oiled up massage happens then so be it, but it’s hardly a prerequisite for the job. But these aren’t your regular run-of-the-mill MILFy cougars, oh no. These gals are a coven of blood-thirsty witch cougars. They need their young man to feed on / become their mates / offer as sacrifices to their omnipotent feline goddess Calabast. I’m assuming Calabast is the Egyptian Bastet‘s Californian cousin, but I could be entirely wrong.
After eating their last pool boy the cougars need to bring in a little fresh meat. Enter Coopersmith, Darwin and Rufus. Each one delectable in their own unique way, they’re only here because they want to earn some money doing a summer job. This will involve undignified levels of shirtlessness, obscenely long shower scenes and unparalleled scenes of the boys sleep-fondling themselves. Occasionally the cougars will be thrown in for good measure, but they seem rather secondary to the tighty whitey-ness of the rest of the movie. There’s some glitter, a candle and questionable cougar effects thrown into the mixture, but all this movie really is is an excuse to watch somewhere between three and six men rubbing themselves along a bed for more than half of it.
According to my research the movie was shot in only three days. Believe me, it shows! When you’re not watching young men gyrating in ways that would make Madonna uncomfortable, you’re watching scenes of the Scream Queens that have already happened at least 3 times before. Words cannot actually describe the awfulness of this movie, but if you’re in the mood to see JUST HOW BAD z-cinema can be, then this is the perfect movie to watch. If nothing else, watch it to see the terror in the guys’ eyes, the acne on their faces and their various oddly placed nipples.
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- Nipples make jets of water go plume.
- Straight guys regularly exchange massaging tips by massaging each other whilst being virtually naked.
- You don’t need soap to have an intensive, all-body wash down.
- This movie proves that some actors don’t have breakout roles, they have come out roles.
- You can only feel a person’s aura if you stand behind them while they’re showering.
- You only need one candle to summon a demon hell goddess.
- Fairy dust works perfectly well as an agent for possessing a person’s soul.
1313: COUGAR CULT TRAILER
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WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
It’s a special moment here at the B-Horror Blog 🙂 I’ve been doing this for just under a year now and this is my 100th review. To mark this special occasion I knew I had to go back to b-movie basics; I needed a movie that was not only bad but, in the tradition of true b-horror movies, was made with no budget, people who couldn’t act and had many, many breasts in it. Bikini Bloodbath just sounded like it would fit all of the above criteria, and boy did it ever. When the opening credits state that it was written and directed by ‘Who the Fuck Cares’ you just know it’s going to be bad. But it’s the good kind of bad in that it’s mindless and daft and you just watch the screen and marvel and the stupidity of the characters as they parade around in their bikinis trying not to be killed while keeping their blood alcohol content as high as possible.
So we begin our bikini-laden misadventure at the local high school for late-20-somethings. All the girls are part of the school’s volleyball team and are busy getting in their final practice while being gently molested by their lesbian coach. With practice over our group of vapid females head off to the shower to wash one another off and throw used tampons at Suzy, the girl no one likes for reasons unknown. In amongst all of the scrubbing of backs and intense breast hygiene the girls decide that they should all get together that night for a final sleepover before they graduate highschool. Once they go off to college they worry that they won’t see one another again, so they really want to make this evening count and have many happy memories to guide them through the bleak years of adulthood. Only problem with all this? There’s a killer on the loose. The chef from one of the town’s favourite eateries lost it and killed most of his staff before making a run for it and is still on the loose. We know he’s close because he manages to kill one of the girls while she’s walking through the woods to get home. So let’s recap: half a dozen drunk, perky females in a house on their own in nothing but their bikinis and a killer on the loose. Yeah, what could possibly go wrong here…
Not to be outdone by the women the football jocks decide that they’re gonna have their own party, and what unfolds is one of the most bizarre things I have ever seen in a movie. Clearly the area isn’t rich in the more common manly jock that we are familiar with from other movies, so instead we have a more special group of people to deal with. Most of them also appear to be at that stage in their life where they want to experiment with another guy just to see what it would be like. Twister is played, streamers are strewn, ice cream is eaten, the football coach fondles a few of his players and really uncoordinated dances are danced. The girls are pretty much up to the same thing, except they also have daiquiris and are in nothing but their bikinis. Two of the guys decide that they’ve had enough of being groped by their team mates for one evening and head over to the girl’s party for a different kind of fun.
The boys’ attempts at seducing the girls is brought to an abrupt halt, however, when our killer rocks up on the scene. It all began with a throat slashing and quickly deteriorated into an evening of bloodshed as the chef makes his way through the scantily clad little group. His job is made all the easier owing to a complete lack of common sense on his victims’ part. The first issue the group must contend with is Suzy, who was not invited to the party, and as such the other girls don’t feel she has any right to either be there or contribute to the escape plan. The second issue that needs to be dealt with is when one of the girls offers to make a run for it and go get the police she insists she must make a stop off on the way to grab some tacos. This inevitably slows down the rescue process. The third and final issue is that, lacking any idea of how to make it out of the house alive (although the killer is in the house), the group instead decides to make more daiquiris and get hammered. This slows down their reaction time when they need to do battle with the killer. All in all, it was a very interesting party to be at.
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- Women will clap for virtually anything.
- Women enjoy being sexually harassed by their lesbian gym coaches.
- Sometimes walking through a cemetery and then some dark woods is the quickest way to get home.
- Homeless people smell like cheese.
- If you weren’t invited to the party you can’t be allowed in to be saved from a killer.
- If you weren’t invited to the party you can’t contribute to any plan that would involve saving everyone.
- The Bible can be used as a weapon against a murderer.
- Pro Crack Whore is now a viable career choice.
BIKINI BLOODBATH TRAILER
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