Blog Archives

Beware

Year of Release: 2010
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.4 / 10
Level of Awful: Low – Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 2.5 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

How I detest movies like these. There clearly wasn’t the budget to pull this off effectively, but somehow they managed to make it alright enough to escape being ridiculous. Everything was just a little sub par, but not enough for me to raise my eyebrows in confusion. I don’t like these movies that fall into that grey area of being neither good enough to be enjoyable nor bad enough to be funny. A movie watched is a movie watched, however, and people need to be warned that they’re in for a somewhat boring / mildly entertaining time should they decide to dedicate 95 minutes of their lives to watching this.

Yes, this is Officer Melted Face. How can I help?

Some terrible things have been going on in the little town of Shady Grove, a bizarre mix of a community comprised of Americans, Latinos and British people. A decade or two back a drunken, useless father came home to find his wife in bed with another man. The wife, being a Latina and therefore distinctly cocky, rubbed it in the man’s face that her affair had been going on for ages and that the son the two of them had been raising was, in fact, her lover’s child. In a fit of rage the man kills his wife and her lover and buries them out in the woods. To ensure that the child is suitably punished for choosing the wrong father to be born to he is tied to a tree with chains and left there for many years, gradually becoming more and more animal-like. The chains also begin to fuse into his arms. One day is one day and two young people who’re freshly engaged are getting it on in the middle of nowhere when our killer crops up out of the woods and brutally murders them. The case, however, is never solved and the murderer never brought to justice…

I would never review anything that wasn't appropriate for a family audience...

All of this was five years ago, and the storyline must move on. Five years on and five Latino individuals are making their way to an unnamed destination for a last weekend together before growing up, with some going to college and others going to play soccer in Europe. As soon as our main female Nella takes the wheel the car, of course, breaks down and the group needs to stop over in Shady Grove.  Parts need to be ordered and non-white people need to be looked at with suspicion. Our group has two options: sleep in the mechanic’s garage or hike 10 miles to the nearest seedy motel. Thankfully a third option materialises in the form of Maria, a quite Latina who kindly offers to drive these 5 complete strangers to her house and let them stay the night until the car is fixed. Once at the house burgers will be fried, sausages grilled and intense games of Guitar Hero will be played. All in all, a fun evening.

I'm completely cornered at the top of these stairs! What you gonna do now!?!

Well, it’s all fun and games with the exception of the raving lunatic stalking around the house. Shane is his name-o, and he has a machete in his hand and chains fused into his wrists that he simply isn’t afraid to use. Before he can kill anyone, however, it is incredibly important that the group first fragments itself to make his job a lot easier. One must cheat on his girlfriend with her best friend, the best friend must then go and have sex with her asshole boyfriend and then argue with him, and two others must go upstairs and initiate tentative sex out of earshot. Then, and only then, can Shane strike. The budget didn’t allow for an awful lot of gore, so most of the time is dedicated to telling the group Shane’s back story before he quickly dispatches his various victims. Maria and her assorted stranger-guests must find a way out of the house or run the risk of being hacked open and leaving their intestines all over the floor.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Europe is a country.
  • You shouldn’t let a bloodied victim ruin a night of good sex.
  • Creepy guys breaking into a woman’s bathroom are just trying to be good Samaritans.
  • Men will exchange their girlfriends for not being brutally gutted.
  • It’s perfectly natural for women to want to do a striptease in front of a man that’s been chained to a tree for years.

BEWARE TRAILER

BUY BEWARE AT AMAZON.COM

Final Exam

Year of Release: 1981
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 3.9 / 10
Level of Awful: High

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Watching this movie proves that one should never have an inspired moment. Having written an exam on Latin, an old language, I thought I’d watch Final Exam, an old-ish movie. The connecting thought? Wait for it… wait for it… an exam 🙂 And it’s been such an education, both in terms of life’s lessons learned and general 80s-ness. For example, movies in the 80s didn’t have to have a point! This must’ve made things so much easier when it came to trying to piece random scenes together: if it doesn’t have to go anywhere, you can pretty much do anything you want. That said, the one definite aspect of this movie that stands out is that it’s very Halloween-esque. Original? No. Decent slasher movie? Hell no! Welcome to the B-Horror Blog!

The death of a jock...

Now, admittedly, I come from a country where the universities don’t include the Greek system and initiations are mostly prohibited, so the first 50 minutes of the movie in that sense were a little bit lost on me. Not one to shy away from a challenge, I’m going to do my best to describe this quasi-character development section of Final Exam. I only remember two of the characters’ names, so let’s start with them: there’s Courtney, a bookish creature busy studying for her final exam before going home for the holidays. She’s not a sorority sister but has plenty of slutty friends who are, and they have a joyous time together talking about various things and admiring the powers that boobs have over men. Next is Radish (I don’t understand the thought here), a super-intelligent young man with the social skills of a wet door mat and an obsession with psychopaths with a gun and a good aim. The rest of the characters are rather generic: blonde jock, brunette jock, jockish frat boys, blonde slutty girl and sickly sweet slutty blonde girl. And of course there’s the killer, the slasher first seen by Courtney through her window while she’s trying to study (Laurie Strode? Michael Myers? Anyone?). What does our killer look like? He’s got a spine of iron, a big knife, no mask and a haircut that makes it look like he has a mushroom on his head.

The death of a nerd...

Right in the beginning of the movie we have our first kill: a young couple about to get in on in the guy’s car. The trailer tells us that the killer “has come back” – where he’s come back from is information the audience wasn’t deemed important enough to know, so why he’s there or what the plan is is really up to our imaginations. The next wave of action involves blonde & brunette jock and their band of jockish followers driving onto campus in balaclavas and faking a mass-shooting for shits and giggles. This is important since it ensures that the obnoxiously small-town sheriff won’t rock up later when things really go wrong, leaving the kids alone and defenceless. In the meantime Blonde Slutty Girl is sleeping with one of her professors and Sickly Sweet Slutty Blonde Girl is falling in love (Truly, Madly, Deeply) with one of the fraternity’s pledges. Along the way there’s also a fat coach who thinks that the shooting was hilarious and a campus security guard / policeman who’s very protective of his turf. They aren’t important at all and don’t really do anything except fill up space on the screen.

The death of sexy...

The major killing spree begins during some complicated fraternity ritual that involved tying our pledge to a tree, stripping him down to his underwear, covering him in shaving cream and shoving ice down his crotch. His whiny girlfriend is then meant to come and save him to ensure that the frat house doesn’t experience any ugly romances. Thankfully, to put me out of my confusion, our killer cuts the pledge free, scales the tree in seconds and then jumps down again to kill him just before killing the girl. He then goes after blonde jock who, at the time, was trying to steal painkillers to sell to stoners. Next is brunette jock who wants to know where the painkillers are. The final unimportant kill is the blonde waiting for her professor while draped in a silk sheet. With the sheriff unwilling to come and investigate what he thinks is another prank call its now up to Radish to try and protect Courtney from the clutches of the lunatic killer out to get her for no particular or obvious reason.

This movie was confusing, and to illustrate this point I want to end off this review with a quote from Sickly Sweet Blonde:

“I’m still happy. It’s just that I’m depressed.”

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • A real lady only has sex in a car if the top is up.
  • 2 deaths and suddenly you have a mass-murderer on your hands.
  • Coding your affair in academic jargon makes it less sleazy.
  • The stupidity of frat boys is surpassed only by the stupidity of their pledges.
  • A sheriff is powerless in the face of a college coach and a security guard.
  • Only bland girls have the sense to use blunt force when necessary.

FINAL EXAM TRAILER

%d bloggers like this: