WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night with that feeling that something is terribly wrong? I had that the other night. I was sleeping soundly, fantasising about buying bed linen made from Egyptian cotton, when I was suddenly jerked awake with this feeling of absolute dread. Not two minutes later my phone rang, and there was My Friend The Killer Clown Movie, sobbing on the other end. We’ve been friends for so long, but as usual we haven’t seen one another in ages (in fact, not since all those frat boys were murdered over on Hell Island). I couldn’t make out what he was saying, but I told him to dry his clownish tears and get on over to my place ASAP.
By the time he arrived I’d just managed to throw on some seductively manly pyjamas and make hot chocolate with marshmallows. After a lot of hugs and comforting words, My Friend The Killer Clown Movie was finally calm enough to tell me what was wrong. Turns out this recession has hit everyone pretty hard, and even great movie concepts like my dear friend has had to resort to whatever it takes just to pay the bills. That’s how he landed up starring in Sloppy the Psychotic, a decidedly z-grade movie about a once-lovely clown that goes a tad bit off the rails. He explained to me that, while it looked good when he read the script, when he got there there was neither the acting talent to make it somewhat credible, nor the humour to make the constant barrage of shock tactics even remotely entertaining. Poor guy, I don’t know how much more his dented ego can take.
So there me and My Friend The Killer Clown Movie sat, under a blanket with me braiding his neon green hair, and I asked him to give me a run down of this movie that pushed him to the brink; a good friend needs to understand what’s he dealing with before he can provide any kind of help. It’s a simple enough story: Mike was a nice guy with a dream – all he ever wanted to do was be a clown and entertain all the children of the world. Now, times are tough, and the world of clowning is cut-throat. Turn you’re back for one moment and a mime will be trying to take away all your business. But if you love what you do, as Mike does, then none of that really matters. Nothing, until you’re victimised by a group of pool partying white trash that make fun of your life long dream. Oh no, dear reader, that’s when you push a clown one step too far.
Just telling me this much got My Friend The Killer Clown Movie all weepy again, so I ran him a candle-lit bubble bath and put some Enya on in the background so that he could really relax while he told me the rest of this movie. At this point I was still on board, but I could see that things were going to take a very sharp downward turn. Oh boy, did they ever. Apparently one bottle of vodka is all that it takes to turn a mild-mannered clown into one that’s shoving a dead hooker in a trunk. And then there’s all those repressed emotions: anger, fear, rejection, sexual drought, and somehow all that’s gotta come out. As is often the case, these feelings manifest with Mike becoming a cannibal, poisoning some small children, barbecuing other small children, running over mentally handicapped individuals, amputating penises, using fish hooks on prostitutes, running a lawn mower over teenagers, decapitating housewives, and doing unspeakable things to men with a very large candy cane. Yeah, that’s what being under appreciated at work will do to a person.
I think that between the hot chocolate, hair braiding, and the bubble bath, My Friend The Killer Clown Movie has just about regained the will to carry on doing what he does best. The important thing is to focus on the good – I reminded him that this movie has a rather epic version of Pop Goes the Weasel playing in the background quite often, and that’s something at least. After he’d toweled himself off we lay in bed for a while reminiscing about all the good times we’d had together, and as the sun slowly dawned on the horizon he decided that he’d best be heading home before the wife knew he was out. She never has approved of our friendship – neither of us can figure out why. This time, however, we promised not to let so much time go by before we got together again.
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- Coulrophobia in small towns forces many clowns to live out their lives in secrecy and shame.
- It’s a risky career move to hedge all your bets on being a clown.
- Any clown company worth its salt has a fleet of vehicles ready to transport loads of emergency rubber chickens at a moment’s notice.
- Recently retrenched clowns and vodka are a deadly, deadly combination.
- Secretly, every woman wants to have sex with a man in full clown costume at least once in her life.
- Hobos have only two natural enemies: hungover clowns and puddles of their own urine.
- Death by anal candy cane isn’t a way that anyone wants to go.
- There’s no length a hooker won’t go to if there’s $500 on the line.
- It’s rude to discuss your sex life in front of a hired clown.
SLOPPY THE PSYCHOTIC TRAILER
BUY SLOPPY THE PSYCHOTIC AT AMAZON.COM
Year of Release: 2002
Genre: Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 2.6 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy
WHAT ITS ABOUT:
May all the gods of all the peoples have mercy on Director / Producer / Script Writer Joe Castro for what he has done. This is a movie that fails on every possible front: there’s nothing in it that is so gruesome that it can be classed as a proper horror and there’s nothing in it that’s funny enough to be classed as a comedy. The lead actresses are porn stars but are ashamed to take their clothes off and the entire production seems to have been done on a budget of $3. Terror Toons will leave you staring at your TV screen long after the film has ended while you think to yourself ‘am I on crack?’
Our delightful tale of ‘horror’ begins in a quite suburban neighbourhood where Cindy and Candy’s parents are going away for the weekend. Candy (who, although looking like she’s well into her 20s, is wearing a kiddies dress and pigtails) receives a mysterious DVD in the mail. Being a fan of horror movies herself, she unquestioningly takes her new copy of Terror Toons (sent to her directly by Satan himself) and goes upstairs to watch while her sister Cindy invites some friends over for a party (if we use a VERY broad definition of what can be deemed a party). While Cindy and her friend Amy attempt to get some boys to come round, Candy unwittingly releases two monsters (?) from the Terror Toons DVD: Dr. Carnage, a green mad scientist with terrible teeth, and Max Assassin, Dr. Carnage’s little giant genetically altered purple monkey, who make quick work of Candy by turning her into a ventriloquist dummy.
Meanwhile, downstairs, Cindy and her friends begin to fool around in that special way that only 30-something actors pretending to be teenagers can. The party is rudely interrupted when Dr. Carnage and Max Assassin begin to pick off the teenagers one by one and Cindy, with the help of those that are still left standing and a policeman sent from the DVD, must attempt to fight off these two deranged cartoon characters and stop the Devil before he has a chance to take Terror Toons viral and infect the living room of every house in the world.
And while the thought of this movie still makes my mind go limp, I eagerly await a chance to get my hands on Terror Toons 2: The Sick and Silly Show.
THINGS I’VE LEARNED:
- Cross-dressing men are completely capable of giving birth to porn stars.
- Satan now does home delivery.
- If you hide an enormous piece of dynamite in a little doughnut nobody will notice it.
- Wearing pink tights gives you the powers of Wonder Woman.
- Playing strip poker actually involves taking your clothes off only to replace them with an uglier outfit.
- Blunt pizza cutters can cut people in two with remarkable ease.
- When hit across the head with a bottle and then dragged over the broken glass a woman’s body will not bleed so long as she is wearing a sensible jersey.
- The entire human skeleton can be pulled out of a person’s stomach and the rest of the flesh will retain its form.