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Cyclops

Year of Release: 2008
Genre:  Fantasy / Sci-Fi
IMDB Rating: 3 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Roger Corman and Eric Roberts strike again! Having already subjected myself to Sharktopus, I felt the perverse need to watch another movie where this terrible twosome join forces to melt the brains of anyone who owns a TV. Thankfully, I wasn’t alone in this one: I had my good friend Tropical Mary helping me through it. As she put it, “Cyclops is a tale of two cities: Rome and un-Rome.”

Now, I know this isn’t a horror movie, but there is some logic floating around: since both myself and Tropical Mary are classicists, and in particular I have spent the past 7 years studying Roman history, to see this kind of thing happen to Rome is just bloody horrifying to  me. The story is simple enough: giant cyclops is captured, taken to Rome, escapes, is recaptured and then used in gladiatorial combat because the Emperor Tiberius (Eric Roberts, who always looks so fucking smug with himself) thinks it’s a good idea. Since it really is that simple I thought, instead of running through the movie, I would just present the incredibly long list of Life’s Lessons Learned as compiled by myself and Tropical Mary. Enjoy! 🙂

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Just because the Americas haven’t been discovered doesn’t mean that Rome doesn’t have a thriving pineapple import business.
  • Sneakers were a common Roman fashion accessory.
  • Cletus and Barbara were common Roman names.
  • By developing a rudimentary teleportation device Romans were able to transport modern locks and keys back in time.
  • To prepare for battle many Roman soldiers donned purple tights and knee pads.
  • The emperor Augustus spent a great part of his reign slaying the world’s cyclops population.
  • Medusa was a witch.
  • The Colosseum was brought back through time to the reign of Tiberius. This sadly made it compress in size.
  • Half a boar is the traditional Roman meal at a banquet to celebrate the capture of a cyclops.
  • The entire Roman Senate was comprised of 4 senators.
  • A common office bestowed on victorious soldiers was the Tribune of Nothing.
  • Roman amphitheatres were often decked out with Christmas trimmings.
  • The ghost of Cato was known to rock up +- 60 years after he died to host the Saturnalia.
  • Gift vouchers were often given to the populace that they could exchange for Prize bread.
  • Rome had a sizeable Middle Eastern dancing community.
  • The priestesses of Venus had nothing better to do than shag gladiators.
  • Despite being a polytheistic people the phrase ‘Oh my God!’ was relatively common.
  • Despite being a polytheistic people there are no temples or altars to be seen in Rome at all.
  • Roman soldiers frequently went into battle with Celtic shields and helmets with crests made from a feather boa.
  • Roman gladiators often wore Spartan helmets.
  • Butchers never needed to be paid for their meat.
  • The name ‘Flavia’ is pronounced ‘Flaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahvia’.
  • The emperor’s assistant often wore a piece of lace trimming around his head.
  • Despite ‘decimate’ being a Latin word the Romans had no idea how many people it involved killing.
  • Romans had amazing dental plans.
  • Despite being a demilitarised zone Rome often had entire legions of soldiers in it.
  • Every Roman citizen owned at least one lumo outfit.
  • Emperors owned wicker boxes named ‘Lot’.
  • Despite the fact that emperors were never addressed as such, the phrase ‘Yes, sire’ was often used in acknowledging their orders.
  • The only way for Romans to be freed from freedom was to have a cyclops kill the emperor and for gladiators to celebrate.
  • The Seven Hills of Rome refers to nothing – Rome is completely flat.

I would recommend giving it a watch – it’s one of those movies where I was laughing so hard I had tears running down my face.

EYE can see you...

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Bunnyman

Year of Release: 2009
Genre:  Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.1 / 10
Level of Awful: Low
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Oddly enough, for a movie called Bunnyman with a psycho killer running around dressed in a bunny suit, this movie wasn’t half bad. It has a sort of Wrong Turn feel to it, but without the rampant inbred lunatics. The guys in this movie are just your regular, run-of-the-mill, possibly slightly inbred lunatics. It’s main failings are in some of the characters the audience is meant to sympathise with, and it’s a problem that befalls many movies like this one: in an attempt to create an atmosphere of tension and fear amongst the characters the outcome is a group of 5 people who are constantly sniping and bitching at one another. But before you make up your mind on whether to watch this or not, let’s have a look at what happens.

What the Easter Bunny does to fill the other 364 days of the year.

As with any great story about a maniac killing off random victims we have to travel out into the middle of absolutely nowhere, miles from civilisation where nothing but desert and a mysterious forest thrives. Evil stalks this part of the world, and that evil is dressed in a bunny suit. He finds young women along the highway and stores them in enormous cooler boxes before letting them run around in an abandoned junk yard where he slowly stalks them for fun. On one particular day the girl hides in the back of his truck, which suits him just fine. He drives out to a little bit of forest, ties her to a tree and the truck and drives off, ripping the poor girl in half before going out to look for more victims.

Fortunately victims are in abundance along the long stretch of empty highway. When our little group of friends tries to overtake the bunnyman’s truck they severely piss him off, whereupon he tries to drive them off the road. They pull over, hoping to apologise for whatever it is they’ve done, but this only seems to infuriate our killer even more. Apparently unable to appease his anger, the bunnyman drives on to set a trap for our little group of co-eds: just a little bit up the track he parks his truck with half of it sticking out into the road. Noticing it too late the kids crash their car in an attempt to avoid the truck and the bunnyman drives on, his day of tormenting these kids having only just begun.

Riverside picnics are never as romantic as books would have you believe.

So when one of our little group decides to try and fix the car the bunnyman returns, smashing into the back of the car and crushing the young man underneath. This is when the group figures out that they’ve run into more than just another pissed off trucker and they need to find a phone and try to make it back to civilisation. But the woods are a dangerous place filled with drunken, gun-toting hicks, upside down crosses, bags of human bones hanging from trees, weird log cabins and one oddly seductive woman with serious anger management issues. And, of course, chainsaw wielding lunatics in bunny costumes rarely work alone and our group of constantly bickering friends is about to discover that they’ve walked into a demented family affair and it’s gonna take all their best survival skills to get out of this forest in (literally) one piece.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • If someone tries to drive you off the road you should be sure to apologise for pissing him off.
  • Some women have no fight or flight instinct. Their only instinct is to faint.
  • The easiest way to check if a car is broken is to see if it’s dirty under the hood.
  • There’s always a logical explanation for bags of human bones being hung from trees.
  • If you can’t identify whose bones they are it’s perfectly alright to hang them from a tree.
  • There’s not much you can do to help a dead friend.
  • Even psychopaths in bunny suits listen to classical music to centre themselves before beginning their daily torture rounds.
  • Psychopathic women may have their issues but one thing they won’t stand for is a slut.

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