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The Collapsed

The Collapsed

Year of Release: 2011
Genre: Horror / Thriller / Drama / Sci-Fi / Mystery
IMDB Rating: 3.5 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 0 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Good God I love movies that fail as epically as this one did! Rarely does one find a movie that attempts to mash together as many genres as The Collapsed did, but in its attempt to be a horror-thriller-drama-sci-fi-mystery ultimate combo, it proved that it couldn’t pull even one of those elements off. I’m not a movie snob (as this site will well attest to), but I do believe that if you’re going to make an end of the world movie, you can only really go one of two ways: option one is to have a big budget so you can make it really convincing or, option two, you make it cheesy enough to distract the audience from the lack of budget. Here, The Collapsed does it wrong again: it wants to be a very serious end of the world movie, but with no budget for the necessary mayhem and destruction. Couple all of this with several attempts on behalf of the director to make the film look artsy and all you’re left with are 82 minutes of unrelenting pain and mind-numbing boredom.

A few apartment fires doth not the end of the world make.

A few apartment fires doth not the end of the world make.

So it’s the end of the world; how it’s the end of the world you’re never going to find out, but ‘the government’, ‘conspiracy’, ‘weapons we’ve never even heard of’ and ‘the horror’ are all phrases being thrown around by survivors of this invisible apocalypse. Our story follows dad Scott, mom Emily, and siblings Aaron and Rebecca as they attempt to find safety and supplies in amongst the few apartment fires and the occasional cannibal that are ravaging their generic movie city. Dad has the strangest accent I’ve ever heard come out of a human being (although I imagine it’s quite similar to how a Swedish person imitating a Canadian accent would sound), but despite this inherent flaw in his being he’s decided that the only way he’s gonna keep his family alive is to make a break for the wilderness. Because nothing bad ever happens when you run off into the woods in a horror movie.

Pursuid by cannibals, our young heroine stops to shave her legs...

Pursued by cannibals, our young heroine stops to shave her legs…

Getting to the wilderness, however, is going to require that the family does a little road trip. This is set up in such a way that it’s as painful to watch as it would be to do an actual road trip with your own family. Thrown in for not-so-good measure is a half-baked plot point about Scott and Emily’s other son, who apparently has gone missing. He’ll be thrown into conversation every now and then, but since we never see him it doesn’t really matter. Along the way the family discovers an abandoned little shop and decide to stop in and pick up some supplies; this is when things start to go very badly for them. While they’re doing a little shopping and Mom’s taking a bath in a sink, a group of heavily armed men wearing gas masks arrive as well. Making a very slow and blundering escape, the group makes for the surrounding woods, hoping it will provide them with a little safety and respite.

Survivalists of the Corn.

Survivalists of the Corn.

Naturally, the woods offer no protection whatsoever. Our family is still pursued by various groups of crazies, supplies are running low, and there are strange sounds and voices coming from the trees. To judge by the musical score, they’re also being relentlessly pursued by a group of poorly trained trumpeters and cellists, but that’s a separate issue entirely. As members of the family are slowly picked off by the different forces out to get them, Swedish-Canadian Dad needs to think of the best way to keep what remains of his family alive until they can escape this wilderness and find the supposedly safer wilderness he has in mind. Of course, not all enemies out to get you are necessarily mortal with a corporeal form…

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Just because it’s the end of the world, it doesn’t mean we can’t have manners.
  • Just because it’s the end of the world, it doesn’t mean that feminine hygiene should be any less of a priority.
  • Just because it’s the end of the world, it doesn’t mean the risks of teenage smoking should be taken any less seriously.
  • Just because it’s the end of the world, it doesn’t mean that grave-digging techniques should suffer.
  • Just because it’s the end of the world, it doesn’t mean we can’t appreciate an old-fashioned rifle that doesn’t blow up in your hand.
  • Just because it’s the end of the world, it doesn’t mean that revenge still isn’t a dish best served cold.

THE COLLAPSED TRAILER

BUY THE COLLAPSED AT AMAZON.COM

Hard Ride To Hell

Year of Release: 2010
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.9 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 1 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

OK people, I’m back! After a little self-imposed hiatus to recover from the year in general and too many Syfy movies in particular I decided that the time had come to go back to basics and watch a crap horror movie with a cast you kind of recognise but can’t quite place and an idea that’s been done before and just as badly. The result is Hard Ride to Hell, which in itself is misleading because the roads look like they’re in good condition, so the ride itself does not appear to be that hard, and hell is nowhere to be seen. The only hell you may experience is the hour-and-a-half you’ll lose actually watching the movie.

Judas, Judas-ah-ah...

Tessa and Danny have been having a terrible time lately. Having recently miscarried the doctors have told Tessa her chances of having any more children are very slim. Understandably depressed the couple decide to do the only sane and rational thing to do in times like this: grab your friends, rent an RV and go camping in the badlands of Texas. Nothing will take your minds off things like being in the world’s most rundown campsite in the middle of nowhere with no cellphone reception and where the only other visitor to the campsite is a travelling cutlery salesman. Bet Oprah’s sorry she never recommended this to anyone before her show ended. Anyways night falls at some point and the group decide to get heavily drunk. Being the token black guy and the most drunk of the lot Dirk decides to go relieve himself in the woods, where he’s about to discover a terrifying secret…

He's trying to invoke the movie's script.

And by ‘terrifying’ I really mean thoroughly confusing. In the middle of all this nothing, surrounded by some trees and more nothing, is a kind of cult. They have in their possession a number of naked females who they are asking to offer themselves willingly to the fire in return for immortality. They start off by invoking Babylonian fire goddesses (note: goddesses = plural), but this quickly changes to invoking a goddess (singular) named Babylon or, alternatively, Lady of the Fire. We are told later on, though, that pagan magic is useless to stop this cult, and what they really are are Satanists. I’m going to assume that this is, therefore, an offshoot of mainstream Satanism where Satan is now a woman and, at times, can multiply himself / herself into a number of clones. The cult is led by a very uncharismatic leader who speaks in a rather mousey and monotone voice. Dirk happens to witness what is going on and tries to record it with his phone. Missing him back at camp, Danny gives him a call, whereupon the cult sees him hiding behind a rock and gives chase.

Gollum's wife took the breakup really hard...

The cult makes their way back to the camp site and proceeds to variously capture, lop off arms and eat the members of our little group. They take a particular interest in Tessa since she apparently features in some or other prophecy that says she will be the mother of the cult leader’s evil death child. She must, of course, give herself willingly to the fire and she only submits to this after her boyfriend and friends are tortured a little bit. As a side note, it turns out that submitting yourself to the fire in no way involves going anywhere near an actual fire. Thankfully for all concerned the travelling cutlery salesman turns up to try and save them and they proceed to make a daring escape in the RV with the help of a number of knives and alcoholic beverages. They must make their way to an abandoned little town where the old preacher that lives there holds the key to saving them all and stopping the hell child from being born.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Some men just aren’t strong enough to handle their pregnant wife’s cannibalistic cravings.
  • When journalists can write no more about Britney Spears, they write about Habitat for Humanity.
  • Miscarriage can be used to trump any other form of loss or misfortune.
  • Babylonian fire goddesses can be invoked as a complicated way of falling pregnant.
  • A good way to judge a person’s character is by tasting their blood.
  • Every cult needs one uncharismatic leader, one intelligent goon and five or so morons to stand around a fire smirking.
  • Babylonian Satanic demons can only be defeated with the help of an Aztec amulet.

BUY HARD RIDE TO HELL AT AMAZON.COM

Cannibal Hookers

Year of Release: 1987
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 2.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

MUSIC!

Jan Sterling – Angel Fire

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

I don’t know why, but usually when I have a great idea of some kind I end up regretting it deeply. The idea here was, as the last review for 1987 month, I had to go all out; there had to be at least one ‘Requires Post-Film Lobotomy’ review so that I could say this little experiment was a success. If that idea ever occurs again I hope someone will have the strength of conviction to take my laptop and beat me over the head with it because THIS WAS HORRIBLE! It has earned the high distinction of being one of the absolute worst movies I have ever seen, and the joke is it was only 67 minutes long. Whereas some movies, say Aerobicide for example, were painted with the 80s, in Cannibal Hookers the 80s walked in and threw up over everything. It’s just one gigantic mess from beginning to end and words cannot actually describe the true awfulness of this movie. But without words there would be no review, so I’m gonna give it a try anyway 🙂

By the gods, someone rip my eyes out and throw them in bleach!

Hillary is a rebel with an overbearing WASP of a mother who disapproves of her friends and the awful influence they have on her. All of these friends are actually only Deedee, a young lady who looks like a rebel but is actually quite quiet and sweet. Both girls, however, feel that they need some independence and as we all know the only place you’re ever gonna find that kind of thing is by joining a sorority house. But this isn’t any sorority house mind you, this is Gamma Zeta Beta, the sluttiest sorority on campus! Where this campus is we’re apparently never gonna find out, but if there’s a sorority house I assume it has to be attached to something. Because Hillary and Deedee rocked up to the initiation meeting (at the house of the head sister’s grandmother by the looks of things) late they have an extra special task to perform before being allowed in: they have to pose as hookers and attract a client. When they get the client and bring him back to another house they’ll be let in.

This place is an 80s mess! Clean it up NOW!

If running this blog has taught me anything it’s that nothing involving a sorority initiation will ever work out well, and why should Gamma Zeta Beta be any different? There’s a reason these ladies are so slutty and willing to go home with anything: in addition to being highly intelligent students at a leading university they’re also a blood cult. How this all works is a little hazy but it involves a lot of thongs, a lot of saggy asses, an occasional axe, the head sorority sister sleeping with a skull on her crotch and a mentally touched ogre named Lobo. Anyways Hillary and Deedee are out on the street and having some difficulty attracting tricks so they manage to sucker some of Hillary’s boyfriend’s friends into playing along so that they can get into the sorority and then go home. One thing leads to another and one of the friends lands up having his heart ripped out of his chest and smeared all over a woman’s breasts. Of course the story wouldn’t be horribly convoluted enough if we didn’t throw one last little thing into the mixture: while the women of this cult only want the internal organs of men to feast upon, biting another woman helps to spread the quasi-vampiric disease that’s affecting them. Will Hillary and Deedee manage to escape from the clutches of this terrifying cult? How many sleazy lives will be lost in their pursuit for eternal beauty? Does any of it really matter? No, no it doesn’t…

I couldn’t find a trailer for this movie so instead I’m including a clip from it. Might just give you a little insight into the horror that is Cannibal Hookers!

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • An axe handle fits quite comfortably in a hooker’s crack.
  • A man will put up no resistance when a hooker bites his finger off.
  • Being the sluttiest sorority on campus takes hard work.
  • There’s no difference between a sorority and a whore house.
  • Being unpopular is no different to being gang raped by nazis.
  • For some people sex involves nothing more than remaining completely clothed and rolling your head around a lot.
  • Anything that happened over a week ago is ancient history.
  • Hookers are violently territorial and will resort to disembowelment if necessary.
  • It is necessary for hookers to wake up seductively.
  • Advice to new hookers: stay away from bisexuals, watch out for pimps and always charge extra for blowjobs.

CANNIBAL HOOKERS: HILLARY & HER MOM

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