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Year of Release: 1987
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 4.1 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium


Jill Colucci – Woman on Fire

Donna de Lory – Only You Tonight


First off, let me welcome you back to another installment from my 1987 themed month of July! Secondly, welcome to my first review to not only feature a cheesy movie, but also cheesy music from said cheesy movie. We all know that the 80s was a terrible time in many ways, not least of all in its choice of hair styles and clothing ensembles. It would feel a shame, however, if its music didn’t in some way come into play as well. To properly enjoy this review, I recommend playing either one of the above classics and mellowing to my usual combination of dry wit and mild desperation 🙂 That said, so far as 80s movies go, Aerobicide was a lot of fun. It certainly doesn’t take itself seriously, so why should we? If you want a trip down movie memory lane that doesn’t hurt too much, then this one’s for you!

It seems unfair to just give away the entire plot in a single picture...

We start our movie off with Valerie, a charming young lady on the cusp of womanhood. She’s fit, she’s beautiful and she just got a phone call from her agent saying that she’ll be flying to Paris in the morning to shoot pictures for one of the world’s most fashionable woman’s magazines. All she has to do before she leaves is quickly pop into town to the tanning salon and bronze herself up a little bit. Seems simple enough, but beautiful young women about to become super models rarely have it that easy in a slasher movie. After making her way to the tanning bed and stripping down in a manner that’s just seductive enough without being a tad porno she climbs into the booth and positions herself in such a way that the camera man was instantly drawn to her arse. This is when something goes very wrong and the machine shorts out, starting a fire inside and roasting Valerie like a little marshmallow. After a few minutes of electrical surges and Valerie’s screams everything goes quiet, and the room is plunged into darkness.

Bitch please...

But enough of all this depressing ‘woman burning in a tanning bed’ nonsense; this is a plot point the movie’s saving for later. Now we need to run on down to Rhonda’s Workout, the choice gym for virtually every woman in town. It’s one of those gyms that helps the movie’s audience out by only having one token fat person on an exercise bike for all of 20 seconds while everyone else is beautifully thin and running around in all their spandex-clad glory. All the exercise programmes here are specifically designed to make women be as provocative as possible to some of the most cheesy (but embarrassingly catchy) 80s music there is. Again though nothing good ever happens to women prancing around seductively in tight-fitting outfits in a slasher movie, so there’s bound to be a killer running around somewhere. He pops up quite early on in the movie during one of the initial shower scenes where he stabs one of the beautiful ladies to death with a giant safety-pin and business gets a little messy for Rhonda.

It wouldn't be a gym without two guys beating the crap out of one another.

Given her, how shall we say, ‘unashamed’ clientelle, Rhonda’s quite tough and prefers to focus on the exercise aspect of gyming over the more dropping-it-to-the-floor-and-raising-your-arse-in-the-air part of the experience. I suppose as the owner of a gym where her clients are being killed off at an alarming rate you have to do something that makes it worthwhile for the survivors to come back. Luckily for her her business partner, who we never meet, has sent in some burly assistance in the form of Chuck, a blonde Adonis in little red shorts out to see exactly what’s going on and why the local police department has to keep restocking its body bag supply. Then there’s Jimmy, a strange and unsettling man who’s been eyeing out Rhonda for quite some time and who becomes incredibly aggressive when she turns him down (repeatedly) or another man (i.e. Chuck) looks at her. As a final measure to try and sort all of this out there’s Lt. Morgan, a complete asshole of a policeman if ever there was one. He’s here to solve the case and he’ll arrest people, lock them up, have them tried and then scream at them without any evidence whatsoever. Because, at the end of the day, catching a killer’s all about a gut feeling you get, and evidence just stands in the way of that feeling.

And what does all of this have to do with poor Valerie? Well, you’ll just have to watch and see for yourself (it’s quite clever really).


  • Everyone who goes to gym is slender and beautiful with an enormous rack.
  • When the guys have all gone home the female instructors like to sneak into the locker room and play with their jock straps.
  • Rigor mortis does one hell of a job on the nipples.
  • Women are instantly aroused when well-muscled men start beating each other up.
  • The best interrogation method is for the policeman to scream and threaten the witness.
  • Fear for one’s life at the hands of a serial killer is far outweighed by the need to work out.


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Halloween Night

Year of Release: 2006
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 4.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium


Two things drew me to this movie: firstly, I’m a sucker for any movie that involves a bunch of teenagers having a party in the middle of the woods where help can’t get to them fast enough and, secondly, after my last run in with The Asylum I wanted to see what they could do when they’re supposedly not trying to rip off another movie. Now despite being released just before Rob Zombie flushed Halloween down the toilet, having a movie poster that is reminiscent of the original Halloween poster, a storyline that is kind of modeled on that of Michael Myers, an irritating Halloween-esque theme tune and people littered around in Michael Myers-ish masks, this movie was surprisingly fun. The acting is so-so, the story is so-so, the effects are so-so and there are boobs everywhere; in short it’s the perfect b-grade horror movie!

Michael Myers training camp for the murderously gifted.

10 years ago young Chris Vale witnessed his parents being attacked and his mother brutally murdered by two armed masked men who don’t know he’s also in the room because he’s hiding under a table. Unfortunately when he tries to make his getaway his mother also decides to make one last attempt at living and, when the intruders shoot her, they also manage to shoot a pipe close to where Chris is now hiding. Steam shoots out of the pipe and leaves Chris horribly burnt and disfigured. Chris is put away in a mental institution following the incident because he was found with the bodies of both of his parents when the police eventually decide to rock up. 10 years later, having now actually gone insane after being bullied by his carers, Chris manages to kill the two guards in charge of keeping him under control and escapes the institution and begins the journey back home to try and figure out what exactly happened on the night that his mother was murdered.

A Woman's Period: Too Much, Too Soon

At exactly the same time that Chris is escaping the mental institution David Baxter, his girlfriend Shannon and a bunch of their friends are planning a Halloween party in a little house in the middle of the woods to celebrate their upcoming graduation. When luck’s not on your side, however, you land up hosting your Halloween party in the same house that the escaped lunatic wants to come home to to look for clues about his dead mother. To make matters even worse David and his buddies pull a prank at the party that lands up having Shannon not wanting to talk to him and, because very few people were in on the joke, police were called to the house only to find out the emergency was actually a false alarm. Safe to say the police won’t be taking anyone at the house very seriously for the rest of the night and, as the evening wears on and people begin to go their various ways, Chris makes his way through the party hacking at anyone who gets in his way.

Excuse me ma'am, you've got something in your eye...

The highlight of this movie for me was a scene that will make you look at lesbians in an entirely different light. For the entire movie there have been breasts falling out of bras and more nipples on display than in a Red Light District, but after working his way through the house Chris is beginning to run out of victims. Angela and Kendall have just consummated their love and are basking in the afterglow when Chris bails over the balcony to come after them. Now Chris has managed to butcher people left, right and center with absolutely no resistance being put up from anyone. Angela, despite being completely naked with nothing but a sheet close to hand, proceeds to beat the living crap out of him. There are punches, kicks and beatings amongst many other impressive little moves, and all while maintaining her hair and without smudging her makeup at all.

The movie is by no means good and suffers from convoluted dialogue and subplots that are introduced and quickly forgotten but I would highly recommend it to anyone who just feels like sitting back and watching a mindlessly entertaining cheesy horror film, if for no other reason than to see the grossly disfigured Chris Vale have the shit beaten out of him by a gorgeous lesbian.


  • Crouching over slightly makes it impossible for people to see you.
  • Hardcore rockers should be baby-faced and clean-shaven.
  • Helicopter searches in dense woods are best conducted at night.
  • When deciding what to wear to go and look for the killer it’s best to choose something short and busty.
  • Phones ring even after they’ve gone to voicemail.
  • Policemen have to show people a photo of the hideously disfigured escaped lunatic to see if they’ve seen him.
  • After seeing the photo people will then go and confuse the baby-faced rocker with the hideously disfigured escaped lunatic.
  • Lesbians taste like tuna.
  • An automatic car is so simple to drive that even an escaped deranged lunatic can master driving in 5 minutes.
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