1313: Cougar Cult Ft. Tropical Mary

Year of Release: 2012
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 1.7 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy
Breast-O-Meter: 0/5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

There are some movies out there that make you want to offer your soul to the devil if it meant getting a slight reprieve from it. There are other movies, however, that the devil himself wouldn’t have, and 1313: Cougar Cult just happens to be one of those. The reasons behind choosing to watch it were numerous – I wanted to watch it because I love Linnea Quigley, I wanted Tropical Mary to watch it to see if even her gay sensibilities could withstand it, but most of all I wanted to watch it without warning the Occult Specialist what it was about and see his facial reactions. While those were funny as hell, it still wasn’t enough to make watching this movie a worthwhile endeavour. Tropical Mary summed it up best: either give us more movie or give us more porn, but don’t leave us in this purgatory where we’re neither entertained nor turned on.

This one looks like he’s missing a chromosome.

Three sisters, affectionately dubbed Overbite Edwina, Flashpoints Victoria and Forever-Lost-Thong Clara, own a gorgeous mansion in some or other unspecified opulent neighbourhood. As three older sisters living together are prone to doing these cougars are on the lookout for young, buff men to help… um… service their needs. By that I of course mean cleaning the pool and cooking them the occasional meal. If a naked, oiled up massage happens then so be it, but it’s hardly a prerequisite for the job. But these aren’t your regular run-of-the-mill MILFy cougars, oh no. These gals are a coven of blood-thirsty witch cougars. They need their young man to feed on / become their mates / offer as sacrifices to their omnipotent feline goddess Calabast. I’m assuming Calabast is the Egyptian Bastet‘s Californian cousin, but I could be entirely wrong.

A 70s disco party is about the break out…

After eating their last pool boy the cougars need to bring in a little fresh meat. Enter Coopersmith, Darwin and Rufus. Each one delectable in their own unique way, they’re only here because they want to earn some money doing a summer job. This will involve undignified levels of shirtlessness, obscenely long shower scenes and unparalleled scenes of the boys sleep-fondling themselves. Occasionally the cougars will be thrown in for good measure, but they seem rather secondary to the tighty whitey-ness of the rest of the movie. There’s some glitter, a candle and questionable cougar effects thrown into the mixture, but all this movie really is is an excuse to watch somewhere between three and six men rubbing themselves along a bed for more than half of it.

So the $1 million budget didn’t go into the special effects?

According to my research the movie was shot in only three days. Believe me, it shows! When you’re not watching young men gyrating in ways that would make Madonna uncomfortable, you’re watching scenes of the Scream Queens that have already happened at least 3 times before. Words cannot actually describe the awfulness of this movie, but if you’re in the mood to see JUST HOW BAD z-cinema can be, then this is the perfect movie to watch. If nothing else, watch it to see the terror in the guys’ eyes, the acne on their faces and their various oddly placed nipples.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Nipples make jets of water go plume.
• Straight guys regularly exchange massaging tips by massaging each other whilst being virtually naked.
• You don’t need soap to have an intensive, all-body wash down.
• This movie proves that some actors don’t have breakout roles, they have come out roles.
• You can only feel a person’s aura if you stand behind them while they’re showering.
• You only need one candle to summon a demon hell goddess.
• Fairy dust works perfectly well as an agent for possessing a person’s soul.

1313: COUGAR CULT TRAILER

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Terror Toons 2: The Sick and Silly Show

Year of Release: 2007
Genre:  Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 2.5 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

You know what? Joe Castro is a sick, sick little man. Not content to unleash just the original Terror Toons on us, he has also gone and let loose its sequel, The Sick and Silly Show. Fortunately I am an equally sick, sick little man and will sit through these things so that I may warn others of the true meaning of horror. Not Michael Myers horror (that’s the good stuff), but truly the kind of horror that makes you want to gauge your own eyes out because it would be less painful than to carry on watching. While the first movie was truly awful, it was filmed on a budget of $2 300 and with that kind of money you expect crap and you get crap. This movie, however, was filmed on a budget of $175 000. Now I have two questions: 1.) Who on earth gave them that kind of capital to make this movie?!?!? and 2.) How, when they had so much more money the second time round, does the movie still look as cheap as the first one?!?!?!?! Sadly these are questions that I will probably never get the answers to so, without further ado, on with The Sick and Silly Show!

Witches: They say they'll help you, but they REALLY won't...

We start off at the Sanders household where little Tiffany Sanders is having her 12th birthday party. At the party is one other child, a bunch of socially inept relatives and a small crowd of awkward college students. Everyone’s having a jolly good time chatting, wishing the birthday girl all the best and shoving enormous amounts of raw broccoli and yoghurt down their throats. Meanwhile, over in the Cartoon Dimension, Gretel decides to go for a walk in the woods and drags along her brother Hansel for company. After a while they get lost but happen along a (rather diminutive) gingerbread house and, being hungry, begin eating some of the sweets stuck to the wall. The sweets make them violently ill so they go inside to ask for help from the giant neighbourhood witch. At this point it was nice to see a familiar face as the witch is played by veteran B-Horror scream queen Brinke Stevens (A.K.A. Hometown Woman from Dead Clowns) and she offers the children some interesting ‘antidotes’ to help them over their tummy bug: Hansel eats a boiled rat and Gretel drinks out of a wine bottle with a large skull and cross-bones on it. The ‘antidotes’ don’t work exactly according to plan and instead of killing the children it mutates them and they land up killing the witch.

After the incident at the Gingerbread House Gretel resorted to excessive plastic surgery to mask her pain.

Back at the Sanders household little Tiffany has received a DVD (Devil Video Disc – I shit you not) of Terror Toons: The Sick and Silly Show in the mail. Now for those that have seen the first movie what happens next will seem very familiar: the now mutated and very demented Hansel and Gretel pop out of the DVD to begin wreaking havoc on the gathered family using a variety of ridiculous cartoon methods of murder. The kicker in all of this is that, after an aunt and uncle are killed, half the family run to the catholic maid’s room to hide behind her collection of crosses and most of the rest run upstairs to hide in a closet. The two main characters, Tina Sanders and her boyfriend Kevin, however, run upstairs to have sex. That’s right, sex. Sex after two insane, demented cartoon characters just jumped out of your TV and are trying to rip you to shreds. Despite their overactive libidos it becomes clear to Tina and Kevin that they will need to do something to try to survive so, after grabbing two other jocks, they run out of the front door through a cartoon vortex and into another subdivision of the Cartoon Dimension.

Captain Tight Crotch to the rescue!

Hansel and Gretel follow the group and begin to plan some rather creative ways to kill them before they can manage to escape from the Cartoon Dimension. The group breaks Horror Movie Survival Rule #1 by deciding that splitting up to find an exit is the best possible idea and then, for good measure, follow it up with a “we’ll be right back”. As Hansel and Gretel get into a very twisted game of playing doctor Tina and Kevin are left with no other option but to follow the sign that says ‘Hell’ on it. In hell, sadly, the devil couldn’t make a return appearance from the first movie but he has left us with his son Damien who, just like his father, tells the kids that to beat a cartoon character you need to become a cartoon character. Watch as some incredibly tight, shiny spandex is thrown on in preparation for the final showdown between horny college co-eds and demonic fairytale characters!

And while I have heaped a lot of criticism on this movie, if Joe Castro ever decides to make a Terror Toons 3, I’ll be ready for it.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED:

• Raw broccoli is a great party snack.
• Due to the recession, even witches have had to downscale on their gingerbread houses.
• For a child’s birthday party it’s only necessary to invite over one other child.
• Boiled rat is not a good cure for a stomach ache.
• You can survive perfectly well even after your brain has been sucked out of your head.
• Brains are similar in appearance to the small intestine.
• Excessive tickling can lead to your internal organs hemorrhaging.
• The devil’s son is an aspiring artist.
• There’s very little you can’t accomplish with a little imagination and a tranquilizer dart.
• You really can have sex no matter how dire the situation may seem.

Terror Toons 2: The Sick and Silly Show Trailer