WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
If running this blog has taught me anything it’s that there’s a lot of crap out there to watch. 9 out of 10 times IMDB serves as a very useful tool for knowing just how much of a shit storm I’m walking into, but then there’s that very rare time when its rating (in my opinion) is wrong. It happened with Bikini Girls on Ice and now it’s happened with Bloodlines; this movie was actually a lot of fun. Granted it didn’t have the most amazing budget and in some of the effects it does show, but I will give props to the makers of this film for actually trying to make a decent movie rather than some piece of crap with a shitty title (*cough* Monsturd *cough*). The actors are more than capable in their roles, the storyline is a good one and overall, if this kind of movie is your thing, it provides a very solid hour-and-a-half’s worth of entertainment. Now, when you read my review, I want you to do so with a southern accent. It makes it a lot more fun 🙂
So we’re out in the middle of fuck-off nowhere where a group of inbred nut jobs are in the process of conducting a little breeding experiment. Realising that their gene pool has become a little shallow they’ve decided that the best thing to do is introduce some fresh blood. To do this they’ve been very busy trawling the countryside abducting young women whenever they happen to come across one. The head of the family rapes the women and waits to see which ones fall pregnant. Those that do land up being with child are kept in captivity for a further 9 months until they go into labour, at which point the matriarch collects the latest edition to the family, and by collect I obviously mean rip the mother open and pull the baby out. This is how lil ol’ Billy Bob came into the world of the Hackford family.
25 years later and very little has changed. The Hackford family, through its somewhat unethical breeding programme, has managed to increase its number somewhat, but there’s still the odd little bundle of horrendously mutated joy running around. The time has come for the family to once again start introducing some new blood into the line or risk producing too many mutated offspring that the Hackford name can no longer be saved. They’ve managed to capture a few girls so far, and the latest edition, and the heroine of our little story, is Amber Lynn, a delightfully southern girl who’s on her way to begin college life. Unsure of herself, she’s spurred into going by her two brothers who promise to look after the family home they inherited when their parents died until she gets back. Along the way the Hackfords manage to capture Amber Lynn and she’s taken to their home in the middle of the woods, leaving brothers Brody and Bear worried sick about their baby girl and what might possibly have happened to her.
The updated breeding plan is actually quite clever. First off the Hackfords capture several girls and keep all of them as possible candidates to be human incubators. Once they’ve gathered up enough of these candidates the whole family is summoned to the house and an improvised arena is set up in the lounge. Two girls are then pitted against one another in gladiatorial style combat and must fight one another to the death. This is to weed out any weak women amongst the group of captives and the survivor is then taken away. Billy Bob, as the new head of the family since his father is ill, is in charge of all of this and is responsible for impregnating the victors. When it comes to Amber Lynn, however, this family has bitten off far more than they can chew. Having already attempted an escape 5 minutes after being taken captive this girl puts her many years of outdoors experience and hunting training (and, by the looks of it, she killed the bears with her bare hands) to work, hurting anyone who gets in her way. Her mama and papa done raised her right though, and she’s more than willing to help out the other girls and get them out as well. And then there’s her two brothers, mountains of manliness out looking for their sister with a lot of muscle and a great aim with a crossbow. Things for the Hackfords are about to get really, really messy.
Maybe it’s just because I’m a sucker for southerners, but I really did enjoy this movie. As I said the effects in places weren’t great, but at its core it’s a good movie that has been incredibly well made for its budget with people who can actually act. It’s a rare find in the world of a b-horror junkie.
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- Every hopelessly inbred family needs at least one Billy Bob in it.
- Eating a good set of hacked-off nipples ensures that a child will grow up to be healthy.
- The greatest bonds between women are those forged while being part of an incestuous family’s breeding programme.
- Blonde women in pink tracksuits tend to make bad escape buddies.
- Breaking someone’s arm in such a way that the bone sticks out tends to make them a lot more co-operative.
- Trapped Women Gladiatorial Combat is a grossly under-reported sport.
- Women having sex with their brothers don’t want him having sex with other women. It’s wrong.
- Men having sex with their sisters are appalled by the idea of having a child with her. It’s wrong.
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