One-Eyed Monster

Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Sci-Fi / Comedy / Horror
IMDB Rating: 4.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 1 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

As strange as this might sound, One-Eyed Monster isn’t the only killer penis movie I’ve seen. A while back I watched a little doozy of a film called Bad Biology, although that one took itself far more seriously than its subject matter warranted. Having seen these two movies I can’t quite decide if the world doesn’t have enough killer penis movies, or if these two mean that we have far too many. I also can’t quite decide whether this movie made me giggle or want to rip my brain out through my nose but, since I’m still here, I’m gonna go with the laughing thing. The main thing with watching this movie is, before you hit play, you’ve gotta understood what you’re in for and not expect anything earth-shattering. I’m feeling rather indifferent to this movie, but I could see it being a lot of fun in a group setting with pizza and beer. Do that and it should be fine.

Soon to graduate from Lady Biggerboobs’ School for the Pornographically Gifted.

It’s California, it’s the middle of a particularly nasty winter, and that can only mean one thing: porn stars are taking to the hills and toasty-warm cabins of the California mountains to perform a number of questionable sexual acts. The entourage is headed up by Ron Jeremy, who will provide continuity between yesteryear’s porn viewer and today’s more contemporary audience, and Veronica Hart, who’s here to coach the new girls on the various tricks of the trade. They feel a little bit out of their league, surrounded by 20-somethings that are more horse hung and who have perkier breasts (thankfully, not all in one person). But that’s the difference between these upstart amateurs of today and the porn stars of the 80s – they’re here to do a job and, no matter what the position, they’re not gonna quit until it gets done!

Getting down to serious work.

To begin with everything’s going absolutely perfectly. The team’s been completely snowed in by a blizzard, there’s no cellphone reception this high up the mountain and they’re only one of two houses on the whole range, but the sex looks like it might be promising so they’re not too fussed. Using skills that I wouldn’t have imagined existed Veronica has managed to convince the director to have her in the movie with Ron and the two get down to business. During a break in the shoot Ron decides that he needs to get some fresh air, where something decidedly strange happens. A shooting star comes out of left field, strikes Ron down, cuts his penis off and then possesses his dismembered member. Things are about to get strange…

The lesser spotted boy-next-door porn star.

With a mind of its own the penis goes on a rampage, trying to find any available orifice that may be used to help it reproduce. Sadly no one informed this alien race that, on Earth, only females produce offspring, much to the startled screams of some members of the male cast. A highly dysfunctional group of people, the cast is initially slow to react to the situation (granted, shouting things like “Angel has a cock down her throat!” probably doesn’t sound overly strange to anyone here). It’ll take their combined wits, an old Vietnam War veteran and a computer database of every female celebrity in the world hooked up to a simulated vagina to try and bring this abomination down. But will it be enough? And what if someone falls in love with the penis? Watch and be truly astounded.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• The Porn Revolution will not be televised.
• If you’ve only done 150 porn movies you’re still just a baby in the industry.
• Elderly mothers will kill their sons if they don’t give them all the details on the latest porn releases.
• Ron Jeremy’s talent is historic and ageless and should never be criticised.
• Porn actresses are really collegial and like to exchange tips on the tricks of the trade.
• With the correct kegal exercises a porn actress can rule the world.
• A tampon is very useful if you ever need to stop some internal hemorrhaging.
• It takes weeks of preparation for a porn star to remember her lines.
• Strangulation is an excellent persuasion technique.
• It’s so hard to find a porn star that’s also a perfect gentleman.

ONE-EYED MONSTER TRAILER

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Necrosis

Year of Release: 2009
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 3.3 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Right, let’s start this review off on a good note: the views from the filming location were spectacular! OK, now that that’s out of the way, we can get on with the movie itself. It wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen, and I think I understand what it was aiming for, but nothing pulled together nicely. The ghosts were quite nicely done, but you see them so rarely that they don’t really make much of a difference. The characters are a little grating on the nerves and seem incapable of communicating through any form of cohesive thought process, choosing rather to throw little fragments of speech at one another and hoping that somewhere along the line the pieces will fall together in some recognisable pattern.

Pinhead: The early years.

Like many horror movies before it, Necrosis (a.k.a. Blood Snow) tries to build a story around the tragic event that was the Donner Party. Of course historical accuracy is thrown out the window and what was once a story of human tragedy and the desperate lengths people will go to to survive becomes a short 3 minute introduction that portrays the Donner Party in what resembles a frenzied blood-lust. Satan’s hoofs are also thrown in for good measure. As usually happens when an area has experienced terrible horrors the story has passed into local folklore and the ghosts of both the victims and the murderers of the Donner Party are said to walk in the woods, both trying to lead unknowing victims to their frozen dooms.

Needs salt!

But who cares about some gruesome local history and an approaching blizzard when you have a rented cabin on top of the mountain where there’s no cellphone reception or way back down if things were to go wrong? So along come our 6 friends / victims: couple Michael and Karen (Tiffany!), couple Jerry and Megan and singles-who’ve-been-bet-on-to-hook-up Matt and Samantha. There are the obvious hints that Matt’s been brought along by Michael to help him get over some recent emotional setback and nobody likes Jerry. Apart from that, the generator not working properly or the caretaker turning up frozen in the snow a few hours after the group arrives, this should be a lovely, relaxing weekend where the assembled company can get away from the hustle and bustle of the concrete jungle. Which is why they chose to go somewhere with no cellphone reception. Far away. In a blizzard. Clearly no one in this group saw The Shining, because we all know how well that worked out…

Santa Claus when job dissatisfaction really kicks in...

Soon after arriving and finding the frozen caretaker the group begins to experience some very vivid nightmares (well, one features cannibalism and the one features a topless woman who later resorts to cannibalism, so I’m not sure if it’s a half-and-half nightmare). Jerry’s also beginning to behave very strangely, convinced that he is seeing the ghosts of the Donner Party coming after him and his friends. These visions aren’t helped by the fact that the body of the caretaker just disappears from the snow (the group thinks it was probably an animal that dragged the body away but, while the characters didn’t seem to notice this, there are no marks in the snow to indicate that the body was dragged anywhere). Michael and Karen also went off a while ago to try and get help from the nearest town but Jerry is convinced a ghost has shown him their dead bodies. The problem with all of this is that Jerry has a history of mental ‘episodes’ for which he is on strong antipsychotics, and this forms the basis of the last 25 minutes of the movie. You know, the 25 minutes where something almost happens?

Again, I see what the director was going for, but it just didn’t quite pan out. So many elements are introduced to try and make the audience wonder whether the ghosts are real or if the group themselves are slowly descending into madness, and these certainly succeed at adding some confusion to an otherwise boring movie. But heed this lesson dear aspiring directors: if you introduce plot elements, you need to try and resolve them and not just leave them hanging in mid-air when the end credits roll round.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Store bought possum just doesn’t compare to one that’s been freshly caught.
• A foosball table turns a bland, ordinary room into an amazing game room.
• Going exploring on a mountain you don’t know alone while it’s snowing is a fantastic idea.
• Cannibalism is OK because humans taste like chicken.
• Peeing someone’s name in the snow is a sign of true love.
• If you owned a Mustang at some point in your life there isn’t anything you can’t fix.

NECROSIS TRAILER