Year of Release: 2011
IMDB Rating: 2.6 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 0 /5
WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
As someone with siblings, I know how important it is that all children should be dealt with fairly and equally. Because of that, I knew I couldn’t watch 12/12/12 and just ignore its slightly older sibling, hence me suffering through 11/11/11. I will say that this movie isn’t as ludicrously put together as 12/12/12, but oddly enough that isn’t actually a saving grace for this film. Whilst 12/12/12 was so bad that I was reduced to laughing like a crazy person, 11/11/11 is nothing more than an hour-and-a-half of tedium that makes you want to bash your head against the wall. As the Asylum’s answer to 11-11-11 (see how clever they were in making sure the name of the movie was different), this movie combines elements of The Shining, The Omen, Misery, and any number of possessed children films, but sadly does not have the budget or the people with the technical know-how to pull any of it off. I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone who may be prone to throwing things at TV sets when a movie becomes frustrating.
The Vales are just the most wonderfully dull family you’ve ever met. Jack, the dad, is a professor of something and is moving his family to a new town to take up a job at the local university. Melissa, the mom, is decidedly bland and doesn’t really contribute much to the film outside of her ability to run to things, look shocked, and then run back. Nat, their son, is (partially) mute and doesn’t do an awful lot of talking. Why? I don’t know, but apparently it adds to the suspense and the DOOM! that’s about to rain down on all of us. What the name of the town they’ve moved to is I don’t know either, but as a general warning just don’t go there. Everyone’s a Stepford Paedophile and, somehow, Nat’s the only kid in town, so you can imagine how they’re all flocking to see him…
After the family’s moved in it quickly becomes apparent that they have a little problem: along with the Stepford Paedophiles, they also have a run-of-the-mill Crazy Cat Lady living next door who seems more than a little interested in the fact that Nat will be 11 on the 11th of November 2011. She also seems to be quite free in handing out poisoned lemonade. Then there’s Nat’s Nanny, the poor man’s Megan Fox, who seems to be quite comfortable showing Nat the best way to set a butterfly on fire and how to do malicious damage to private property. Not that Jack notices any of this: he’s too busy hiring nurses to look after his pregnant with pre-eclampsia wife and working at the town’s one-room university. And then there’s all the townsfolk who keep staring through the windows and getting together in the back of the minivan…
So what has all of this got to do with the price of eggs? The Lord alone knows, but therein seems to lie the problem. It would appear that the entire town’s population of 7 are Satanists, and due to his birth date and some bizarre prophecy I wasn’t paying attention to back in 2011 Nat is going to be Satan’s ticket into our world. Whilst the towns people represent the forces of evil, the Crazy Cat Lady represents the forces of good: if she manages to kill Nat before his birthday, the apparently not so omnipotent Devil can’t take over the world, but if she fails to kill him its all going to get a bit hairy for us down here. It’s all up to Jack to try and save the world and his son, which to be quite frank means that we’re probably all boned. Melissa will contribute to this battle by moaning a lot and occasionally slapping her nurse, but ultimately it all comes down to Nat. Can an 11-year-old partially mute kid with clear anger issues ward off the Devil himself? Which and be underwhelmed to find out!
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- Families bond best when they run down an opossum/cat hybrid.
- Little orange tabby cats can freely change their sex at will.
- Demon spawn are far more accurate than any pregnancy test on the market.
- Painting gutters is always easier when you use a hammer.
- It’s quite common for doctors to drug a woman in early pregnancy up to the eye balls.
- In their attempts to get new jobs, prospective nannies are more than willing to kill off the competition.
- Butterflies are highly flammable creatures.
- Apocalyptic prophecies are now being distributed as children’s books – because it’s never too early to know when the world’s gonna end.
- Giving a child cereal is a decent punishment for walking around the house with a butcher’s knife.
- Small-town cults usually hold their meetings in mini vans.
- Nothing is more powerful than a mother’s drug-addled, demented frenzy.
BUY 11/11/11 AT AMAZON.COM
Year of Release: 1986
IMDB Rating: 3.8 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 0.5 / 5
WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
In life there has to be that one constant. In the face of work, commitments, bills and demonically possessed kittens there has to be that one source of comfort that you can fall back on, that safe place where you know everything’s alright and that your troubles won’t find you. For me, that safe place is neon coloured and dressed in spandex. The 80s b-movie is an amazing thing and makes no excuses for what it is. It’s daft, it’s filled to the brim with bad hair and it captures a time when mom jeans were just being handed out to women of all shapes, sizes and ages. One can’t overdo it with the 80s b-movie, however, lest we be fooled into thinking the mullet is an acceptable choice of hairstyle, but let’s take this moment to look back on a more strikingly colourful era and on the wonder that is Neon Maniacs.
The scene of the crime is San Francisco, a city of giant bridges, horny teenagers and excessive neon signs. It was a time when all the police were absolute pigs whose powers stopped just short of being able to beat a 10-year-old to within an inch of their lives for any arbitrary reason. Natalie and all her friends are out for the night in the park where they will indulge in the youthful pleasures of football, underage beer drinking and open air sex. That is, until the Neon Maniacs arrive on the scene. I’m guessing that since none of them are particularly neon in colour their name is some allusion to the sins of the city. With each individual dressed as a character from the past (ranging from cave man to Samurai to Native American) they make quick work of the gathered teenagers, hacking them to pieces and dragging their corpses off to their lair. Only Natalie survives the horrible incident, yet no one seems to believe her about who the assailants were.
Natalie’s a tough old broad, however, and isn’t about to let the brutal massacre of all her friends get her down. Displaying no emotion whatsoever she decides to go back to school the very next day. Her friends are dead so I’m guessing the idea is that there’s nothing she can do about it, so why worry? Since the police in town are not only pigs but the sort that wait for clear instructions to come from on high no official statement has been made and Natalie’s friends are officially reported missing. Assuming that it’s all some sort of elaborate prank the families of said missing friends start to give Natalie trouble, demanding to know where their loved ones are. When Natalie can’t provide them with any answers the principal suspends her from school until such time as the situation sorts itself out.
All this tragedy and upset doesn’t mean, of course, that Natalie can’t quickly resume her dating life. Onto the scene comes Steven, the most bizarre nerd / delivery boy / dog walker / aspiring rock star / sex machine combination to ever grace the small screen. Having been enamoured with Natalie for years he whole heartedly buys into the story of the Neon Maniacs and promises to keep her safe and help bring an end to their (rather short) reign of terror. They will be aided in their battle against evil by Paula, an enthusiastic high school amateur director (making her more highly qualified than many of the directors of the movies I’ve watched) and monster fan. Armed with only their wits, some water pistols, their inability to experience emotions and their general teenage angst it’s up to these three to save the world from the Neon Maniacs and their super sharp Shogun Knives.
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- Nothing hits the spot like $5 champagne.
- You don’t need a bouncer in a supermarket’s fruit section.
- Not having sex isn’t illegal, but it’s considered highly inappropriate in certain slut circles.
- It’s always best to go for a relaxing swim after you’ve witnessed the deaths of all your friends.
- In the 80s some high school seniors had yet to go through puberty.
- Women should be ostracised from the community for surviving a brutal massacre.
NEON MANIACS TRAILER
BUY NEON MANIACS AT AMAZON.COM
On the 15th of December 2010 I decided to take my near-obsessive love for watching b-horror movies and make a blog out of it. I had no idea if anybody would think I was funny or even mildly interesting, but it was a way for me to put my little hobby out there. It started with my review of Possessed by the Night and it’s been all down hill from there 🙂 It’s now 1 year and 103 movies, 1 themed month, 1 mini-themed week and 21 000+ visitors later. The most important thing that this blog has taught me is that b-horror movies are amazingly educational, and I’ve learned some spectacular things from watching all this crap. So, to celebrate The B-Horror Blog’s first birthday, I present you with some of the best Life’s Lessons Learned of the year, neatly arranged and organised into categories for your convenience. I’d like to thank everyone who’s taken the time to read my blog and hope you will continue to follow me in my quest to watch the most amazing crap would-be directors can throw at me!
THE VERY BEST OF LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- Playing strip poker actually involves taking your clothes off only to replace them with an uglier outfit. (Terror Toons)
- A game of twister inevitably leads to some lesbian experimentation. (Black Devil Doll)
- When using a guitar like a golf club, midgets can be thrown great distances. (Blood Dolls)
- Midgets, like bears, really do shit in the woods. (Zombie Women of Satan)
- Nobody can distinguish between a midget and a ventriloquist’s dummy. (Black Devil Doll)
- Growing weed is more profitable than raising emus. (Pig Hunt)
- Economic considerations should be weighed against the possibility of tourists being eaten alive by fish. (Piranha 3D)
- Store bought possum just doesn’t compare to one that’s been freshly caught. (Necrosis)
MURDER MOST AMUSING:
- A sickle has two killing settings: slight abrasion and decapitation. (Jack-O)
- Insulting a clown’s pride by forgetting about them leads to them eating you. (Dead Clowns)
- Killing sprees need to be planned around afternoon band practice. (Campfire Stories)
- Good manners dictates that you should brutally murder anyone who bleeds on a friend’s couch. (Ticked-Off Trannies With Knives)
- When enlarged to the size of the White House, spiders actually become quite dainty on their toes and begin to resemble ballerinas. (Spiders)
- Inside-out cows, with a very firm exoskeleton, can only squirm slowly in order to move around. Somehow there is a direct correlation between the speed of its movement and the ability of the victim to run away. (Isolation)
- Spiders can start their lives in one of two ways: either being born a spider or starting as a larva and working your way up to a proper spider. (Arachnia)
- Sharktopodes speak whale. (Sharktopus)
- A walking stick is nature’s coffee. (The Evil Woods)
- 1954 was a good year for fossilised rats. (Scream of the Banshee)
- Giant sharks can jump over 10 000 feet into the air and catch planes. (Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus)
- A snake woman’s skin has evolved a natural thong. (Queen Cobra)
- Flies that are bred not knowing that they will die can live for thousands of years. (Subhuman)
- Ants are open to entering into territorial negotiations. (The Hive)
- German Shepherd is considered a delicacy by ravens. (Kaw)
THE HUMAN CONDITION:
- When exposed to a vacuum, the human body naturally converts itself into an action figure. (Blood Dolls)
- In a world filled with homophobia, the perverted clown and gay cowboy couple will never be allowed to know just how long their love could last. (Zombie Women of Satan)
- People question nothing when they are told that man-eating rabbits are approaching town and the National Guard needs to use them as bait to catch the rabbits. (Night of the Lepus)
- Snowmen are apparently the best medium to store human DNA in the event that the apocalypse happens. (Jack Frost)
- The sluttier the babysitter, the better chance your child has of surviving a demonic killing spree. (Jack-O)
- When a strange woman starts talking to your son your natural impulse should be to invite her in for dinner. (Jack-O)
- You will never be as hardcore as the guy with a machine gun on his snowmobile. (Dead Snow)
- A 45-minute orgasm is not a hooker’s best friend. (Bad Biology)
- Lying with your face in boiling oil is not an advisable exfoliation method. (Drive-Thru)
- There’s very little you can’t accomplish with a little imagination and a tranquilizer dart. (Terror Toons 2: The Sick and Silly Show)
- Wearing nothing but cowboy boots and a hat and hanging on one another is a great form of male bonding. (Dead Boyz Don’t Scream)
- Everyone on a football team is stone-cold gay. Porn stars are doing their best to fix this. (Death on Demand)
- Wars between rival cheerleading gangs quickly become both personal and violent. (Andre the Butcher)
- Making out is a perfectly acceptable way for cousins to say hello. (Buried Alive)
- Being unpopular is no different to being gang raped by nazis. (Cannibal Hookers)
- In some communities it’s taboo for attractive brothers and sisters to go camping together. (Backwoods)
- When a couple’s being stalked by a killer an argument regarding vaginas is bound to break out. (Steel Trap)
- The number of deaths resulting from bleeding ankles is tragically underestimated. (The Slaughterhouse Massacre)
- You don’t put glasses on to read – you put glasses on to think. (Chain Letter)
- Eating a good set of hacked-off nipples ensures that a child will grow up to be healthy. (Bloodlines)
- Taking part in super elite, top-secret paintball tournaments is the absolute height of badassness. (Paintball)
- Boys get over excited during crucifixions and tend to do more harm than is necessary. (Hallowed Ground)
- Babylonian fire goddesses can be invoked as a complicated way of falling pregnant. (Hard Ride To Hell)
- According to police you can’t be murdered unless you have a criminal record. (Little Erin Merryweather)
- You can land up in juvenile court for switching a girl’s shampoo with hair remover. (Clownstrophobia)
- Bitch slapping is an excellent interrogation method. (Zombie Wars)
- In the military “blurrrgh-arrrrr-raaaaah” is a good enough description of a truck’s cargo to get it through a check point. (Aaah! Zombies!!)
- A sheriff is powerless in the face of a college coach and a security guard. (Final Exam)
- The best interrogation method is for the policeman to scream and threaten the witness. (Aerobicide)
- Policemen are known to be incredibly flirty at murder scenes. (I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer)
- 2 night guards constitutes an entire security force. (Queen Cobra)
- Policemen on the phone sound a lot like telemarketers. (Chain Letter)
- In a pinch, a loaded gun is just as good as a vibrator. (Possessed by the Night)
- When done in the name of science, having sex with a zombie is completely ethical. (Zombie Women of Satan)
- Not wanting to sleep with 814 men makes you close-minded. (Doll Graveyard)
- 80s sex involved a lot of groaning with very little movement. (The House on Sorority Row)
- Bird flu spreads because chicken farmers in Laos insist on having sex with their poultry. (Flu Birds)
- Webcasts will bring out everyone’s homoerotic fantasies. (Death on Demand)
- Zombie sex is complicated by the fact that the necessary parts keep falling off. (Aaah! Zombies!!)
- Forest sex is best done half-clothed with a piano and flute instrumental in the background. (Camp Blood)
- If you don’t want anyone to know you’re talking about sex, use doughnut code. (Monsturd)
- A real lady only has sex in a car if the top is up. (Final Exam)
- Women are unreasonable in their distaste for sitting tied to a chair at a table of dead people. (Dr. Chopper)
- Wearing pink tights gives you the powers of Wonder Woman. (Terror Toons)
- When hit across the head with a bottle and then dragged over the broken glass a woman’s body will not bleed so long as she is wearing a sensible jersey. (Terror Toons)
- When hung out of helicopter on a windy night, teenage girls are remarkably accurate with a bazooka. (Spiders)
- Lesbians taste like tuna. (Halloween Night)
- Never trust a women with outhouse-sex on her mind with a cursed gold coin. (Dead Snow)
- Girls born with Oompa-Loompas in their vagina should have them removed at an early age to avoid debilitating libidos in later life. (Bad Biology)
- When surprised or scared a woman will rip her gown open in an attempt to frighten an intruder with her breasts. (Bad Biology)
- Revenge is a dish best served in a revealing miniskirt. (Campfire Stories)
- Never trust sluts with perimeter defense during a monster insect onslaught. (Arachnia)
- On a psycho scale 50 crazy bitches is the rough equivalent of one serial killer. (Sorority Row)
- A woman can store a fully loaded gun and another round of bullets in her vagina. (The Death Factory: Bloodletting)
- It is quite common for women to check the quality of their boob jobs by fondling one another. (Black Devil Doll)
- Sisters get jealous when one is allowed to spontaneously hallucinate while the other isn’t. (Plague Town)
- Women who run sex websites want a man that’ll keep their supplies of spandex and leopard print high. (Hobgoblins 2)
- Girls think a sledge-hammer can fix a broken bus engine. (Bikini Girls on Ice)
- Women think you can use a crowbar to remove a tyre. (Hyenas)
- Never trust a nun sending blind people into the woods to ‘found a new ministry’. (Day of the Triffids)
- Fat girls are easily lured by a doughnut on a string. (Andre the Butcher)
- Women are instantly aroused by gory hunting stories. (Pig Hunt)
- Heavy foreplay is often a sign that a woman just wants to cuddle. (Camp Blood)
- For safety and strength, bitches always travel in packs of 3. (The Final)
- Only bland girls have the sense to use blunt force when necessary. (Final Exam)
- Hookers are violently territorial and will resort to disembowelment if necessary. (Cannibal Hookers)
- Women take their degrees in aerobics and music videos very seriously. (The Video Dead)
- Women see nothing strange or dangerous about a strange man covering them in batter near a deep fryer. (Blood Diner)
- Women find the memories of ghosts having sex with their favourite client highly arousing. (Blood Sisters)
- In a bartering society women will often flash their breasts in exchange for a taco. (Do You Wanna Know A Secret)
- Some women don’t mind having their drinks spiked. To them it’s just a new experience. (Do You Wanna Know A Secret)
- A girl who receives 1 threatening message is perplexed. A girl who receives 50 of the same threatening message is terrified. (I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer)
- A great way to seduce a woman is to insult her field of expertise on national television. (The Hive)
- Women think you can flag down a commercial plane and ask them for help. (Road Train)
- Psychopathic women may have their issues but one thing they won’t stand for is a slut. (Bunnyman)
- It’s perfectly alright to spike a woman’s drink, provided that she is actually a woman. (Ticked-Off Trannies With Knives)
- Women often come out of the shower wearing nothing but a pair of high heels. (Killjoy)
- Women think that you need to bring flowers to the countryside. (Death Bed: The Bed That Eats)
- It’s perfectly natural for women to want to do a striptease in front of a man that’s been chained to a tree for years. (Beware)
- Pro Crack Whore is now a viable career choice. (Bikini Bloodbath)
- When a killer doll is staring you in the face, compliment him on his physique. (Doll Graveyard)
- Burnt and rotten dolls are the customary gift of a ghost zombie to a normal girl. (Wicked Little Things)
- Aliens have honeycomb vision. (AVH: Alien VS. Hunter)
- A vampire’s basic cellular structure is made up of fishnet stockings. (Fist of the Vampire)
- The earth’s rotation can be sped up or slowed down depending on the whim of the evil forces ruling over it. (Vanishing on 7th Street)
- The ‘Satan vs Joan of Arc is the voice in my head’ debate is ongoing. (Hobgoblins 2)
- Strobe lighting brings on a whole other kind of epilepsy in a marsupial werewolf. (Howling III: The Marsupials)
- Ancient goddesses want to be given mortal form in a body made up of chopped up sluts. (Blood Diner)
- Randomly stringing Latin phrases together will revive undead gladiators. (Demonicus)
- Despite only having enormous amounts of stomach acid man-eating beds leave distinct teeth marks in apples. (Death Bed: The Bed That Eats)
- The emperor Augustus spent a great part of his reign slaying the world’s cyclops population. (Cyclops)
- Zombies can only die when they think they’re alive. In this way when you attack them they will think they are injured and convince themselves that they are actually dead when they really aren’t because they can’t experience pain. They will remain ‘dead’ because they’re fooling themselves into thinking that they are until someone points out to them that they’re not in which case they’ll get back up and try again. (The Video Dead)
- Queefing: verb – to use one’s vagina as a purse. (The Death Factory: Bloodletting)
- Scary clown art is an incredibly lucrative niche market. (Fear of Clowns)
- “Let’s shag it!” is not a good general catch phrase when all you really want is for people to move quickly. (Creepozoids)
- Only stupid mayors evacuate towns and cancel pumpkin festivals. (Lightning Strikes)
- Machine guns do about as much damage as a rabid rat at close range. (Fist of the Vampire)
- When someone’s been run over with a car you should beat them repeatedly to see if they are still alive. (The Gingerdead Man)
Terror Toons 2: The Sick and Silly Show
Year of Release: 2007
Genre: Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 2.5 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy
WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
You know what? Joe Castro is a sick, sick little man. Not content to unleash just the original Terror Toons on us, he has also gone and let loose its sequel, The Sick and Silly Show. Fortunately I am an equally sick, sick little man and will sit through these things so that I may warn others of the true meaning of horror. Not Michael Myers horror (that’s the good stuff), but truly the kind of horror that makes you want to gauge your own eyes out because it would be less painful than to carry on watching. While the first movie was truly awful, it was filmed on a budget of $2 300 and with that kind of money you expect crap and you get crap. This movie, however, was filmed on a budget of $175 000. Now I have two questions: 1.) Who on earth gave them that kind of capital to make this movie?!?!? and 2.) How, when they had so much more money the second time round, does the movie still look as cheap as the first one?!?!?!?! Sadly these are questions that I will probably never get the answers to so, without further ado, on with The Sick and Silly Show!
We start off at the Sanders household where little Tiffany Sanders is having her 12th birthday party. At the party is one other child, a bunch of socially inept relatives and a small crowd of awkward college students. Everyone’s having a jolly good time chatting, wishing the birthday girl all the best and shoving enormous amounts of raw broccoli and yoghurt down their throats. Meanwhile, over in the Cartoon Dimension, Gretel decides to go for a walk in the woods and drags along her brother Hansel for company. After a while they get lost but happen along a (rather diminutive) gingerbread house and, being hungry, begin eating some of the sweets stuck to the wall. The sweets make them violently ill so they go inside to ask for help from the giant neighbourhood witch. At this point it was nice to see a familiar face as the witch is played by veteran B-Horror scream queen Brinke Stevens (A.K.A. Hometown Woman from Dead Clowns) and she offers the children some interesting ‘antidotes’ to help them over their tummy bug: Hansel eats a boiled rat and Gretel drinks out of a wine bottle with a large skull and cross-bones on it. The ‘antidotes’ don’t work exactly according to plan and instead of killing the children it mutates them and they land up killing the witch.
Back at the Sanders household little Tiffany has received a DVD (Devil Video Disc – I shit you not) of Terror Toons: The Sick and Silly Show in the mail. Now for those that have seen the first movie what happens next will seem very familiar: the now mutated and very demented Hansel and Gretel pop out of the DVD to begin wreaking havoc on the gathered family using a variety of ridiculous cartoon methods of murder. The kicker in all of this is that, after an aunt and uncle are killed, half the family run to the catholic maid’s room to hide behind her collection of crosses and most of the rest run upstairs to hide in a closet. The two main characters, Tina Sanders and her boyfriend Kevin, however, run upstairs to have sex. That’s right, sex. Sex after two insane, demented cartoon characters just jumped out of your TV and are trying to rip you to shreds. Despite their overactive libidos it becomes clear to Tina and Kevin that they will need to do something to try to survive so, after grabbing two other jocks, they run out of the front door through a cartoon vortex and into another subdivision of the Cartoon Dimension.
Hansel and Gretel follow the group and begin to plan some rather creative ways to kill them before they can manage to escape from the Cartoon Dimension. The group breaks Horror Movie Survival Rule #1 by deciding that splitting up to find an exit is the best possible idea and then, for good measure, follow it up with a “we’ll be right back”. As Hansel and Gretel get into a very twisted game of playing doctor Tina and Kevin are left with no other option but to follow the sign that says ‘Hell’ on it. In hell, sadly, the devil couldn’t make a return appearance from the first movie but he has left us with his son Damien who, just like his father, tells the kids that to beat a cartoon character you need to become a cartoon character. Watch as some incredibly tight, shiny spandex is thrown on in preparation for the final showdown between horny college co-eds and demonic fairytale characters!
And while I have heaped a lot of criticism on this movie, if Joe Castro ever decides to make a Terror Toons 3, I’ll be ready for it.
THINGS I’VE LEARNED:
- Raw broccoli is a great party snack.
- Due to the recession, even witches have had to downscale on their gingerbread houses.
- For a child’s birthday party it’s only necessary to invite over one other child.
- Boiled rat is not a good cure for a stomach ache.
- You can survive perfectly well even after your brain has been sucked out of your head.
- Brains are similar in appearance to the small intestine.
- Excessive tickling can lead to your internal organs hemorrhaging.
- The devil’s son is an aspiring artist.
- There’s very little you can’t accomplish with a little imagination and a tranquilizer dart.
- You really can have sex no matter how dire the situation may seem.
Terror Toons 2: The Sick and Silly Show Trailer