Piranhaconda

Year of Release: 2012
Genre: Horror / Sci-Fi
IMDB Rating: 3 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 0/5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Where would we b-movie fans be without the Syfy channel? Stuck with the Asylum I guess, but that’s entirely beside the point. You know when they announce a new movie that it’s going to be a complete cheese factory of goodness and, whilst it doesn’t make me want to re-evaluate my opinion that the golden age of Syfy movies has past, Piranhaconda doesn’t disappoint. It raises so many questions that otherwise wouldn’t cross your mind: what exactly is swimming in the rivers of Hawaii? When exactly does a person become so blonde that they should be given a legal guardian? Do you really get b-movie groupies? And, of course, the question that stuck out in my head: who the hell would sing this movie’s theme song? Jasmin Poncelet, that’s who. Don’t worry, I haven’t heard of her either, but good on her for having the balls to do it anyway. Not afraid to rip itself to shreds, Piranhaconda is one of the best times you can have with bad CGI, a group of random mercenaries and a posse of scantily clad females.

The manual doesn’t REALLY cover this kind of situation.

So we’re somewhere in the middle of Hawaii with Jasmin Poncelet singing her little lungs out when a helicopter loaded with Prof. Lovegrove and two soon-to-be-eaten students descends from the sky. Lovegrove, a world-renowned herpetologist, is on the lookout for a nest of strange eggs. Now feels like a good time to break it to you that the title is misleading and the creature contains no piranha or anaconda. If this disappoints you, take solace in the fact that it’s a Polynesian snake demon. Feel better? Good. So Lovegrove finds one of the nests laden with many eggs. Intent on revealing the creature to the world he bags one of the eggs up in a plastic corn flakes container to take back to the helicopter. As one might expect the mummy piranhaconda took a while to shove that egg out and isn’t about to just let some silly human run off with it. Defying the laws of space she emerges from a body of water that couldn’t possibly hide something her size, eats three out of the four people in attendance while Lovegrove runs off into the forest with the egg.

These creatures are notoriously lax when it comes to flossing.

We now switch to another part of the forest where a group of scantily clad females are being stalked by a lunatic with a meat cleaver. For a moment I thought another movie had leaked into this one, but it turns out that we’re actually following a film crew around while they make the third installment in a slasher series that I’m fairly sure is poking fun at the Friday the 13th and Scream franchises. It’s here we meet Jack and Rose (if this is some strange homage to Titanic, I don’t get it, but I’m just gonna run with star struck lovers in the face of adversity), a stuntman and a script writer respectively. The two clearly have a thing for one another but, being the gentleman that he is, Jack just won’t let the movie’s slutty star Kimmy go without a thorough sun tan lotioning. This irritates Rose so much that she’s gonna tie that sarong so tight blood won’t flow to anything below the waist. Intense oiling up in the Hawaiian sun, however, is about to become the least of this little group’s problems.

In the cutthroat world of human hunting, it’s often piranhaconda against piranhaconda.

Not from the piranhaconda, mind you, but rather from a random group of mercenaries that have also been running around the Hawaiian jungle. They’ve already managed to kidnap the professor and now manage to grab a hold of Rose, Kimmy and the movie’s director as well. Jack and his explosives buddy have managed to make a daring escape into the undergrowth that took splitting up, running frantically from side to side and tripping over every piece of wood they could find to get right. When they miraculously manage to make their way back to the road they think it best not to go back into town and alert the proper authorities and settle on the decidedly more manly method of taking on a hostage situation with no weapons other than a bag of plastic explosives. But, dear viewer, let us not forget the angry mother piranhaconda in hot pursuit of her missing egg and the many humans she’s prepared to nom through to get it back…

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Piranhacondas are known to secure their eggs with anti-theft ooze.
• Nobody truly appreciates how difficult it is for a b-actress to be a sex bomb at 5 in the morning.
• $50 and some spare change is enough cash to secure a university professor’s safe release from a hostage situation.
• Mercenaries just prowl Hawaii’s forests kidnapping any random fool who walks by.
• Bands of rogue Hawaiian mercenaries are really just would-be directors and cameramen.
• Sometimes all a b-movie actress’s career needs is a hostage situation and threats of a violent death.
• Men sweat like pigs, sluts sweat like pound puppies.

PIRANHACONDA TRAILER

Heatstroke

Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Sci-Fi / Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.5 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Global warming: the great threat our generation faces. A number of possibilities have been given for what causes it: burning fossil fuels, deforestation, increased solar output, the list just goes on. The truth, however, lies in Heatstroke: aliens are the cause of global warming. This was a fantastic movie to watch; it goes back to the good old days of Syfy original movies where the special effects are so awful that they give you a great belly laugh while the endings aren’t anti climatic, a problem faced by so many recent Syfy movies. If you’re in the mood for a good laugh, some cheesy sci-fi goodness and indulging in an alien conspiracy theory then this is the movie for you!

Well well well, look what the tide washed in.

It’s a beautiful day for the world to end in Hawaii. The sky is blue, the oceans are crystal clear and bikini models are frolicking gayly on the beaches during a photo shoot. Captain Steve O’Bannon is busy flying his ultralight around one of the islands, taking a relaxing afternoon to monitor any usual radiation levels that may exist in these here parts. Given that this is such a relaxing pursuit and the weather is absolutely gorgeous he doses off behind the wheel of his 1 man aircraft and begins a rapid decent towards a tree. Thankfully there’s something very similar to a velociraptor living in the tree and it leaps up to try and guide the aircraft away but, unfortunately, takes a giant bite out of the ultralight’s engine. Captain Steve awakes with a start and is forced to make an emergency landing in the middle of the bikini models’ photo shoot, much to their dismay.

The script's first draft was a painful sight for all concerned.

Following Captain Steve’s emergency landing head bikini model Caroline comes over to read the man the riot act for interrupting this photo shoot of groundbreaking importance to mankind. When Captain Steve doesn’t seem very interested Caroline brings over her hired goons, who Captain Steve quickly dispenses with. He beats the crap out of them again later when he finds them at a bar, this time with the help of his team mates Jillian and Waters (first name unknown). Somehow between coming to the bar, having a boiling beer and beating the crap out of everyone the team (including final team-mate Romeo Romero) decides that there must be something on the island causing the strange radiation spikes and they’re determined to find out what it is.

He died a hero. 1000 alien virgins await him in heaven.

The cause of the radiation, of course, is an alien invasion. The aliens look like some reject bunch of dinosaurs and have come to earth to heat up our climate to make it a little more hospitable for themselves. I don’t know about you, but personally I find it a little rude when guests drop in on your planet unannounced and then spend the whole time complaining about how you’ve chosen to do the place up. Captain Steve wasn’t about to tolerate this lack of manners in the first place and he certainly isn’t about to tolerate these rather rude invaders when they start melting the faces off his crew and the hapless bikini models that inhabit the island. Unfortunately, since he isn’t a rogue scientist and is contracted by the US military to study these creatures, he’s going to have to play things by the book, at least until he can discover just how big their plans are and how quickly they plan on turning our little Blue Marble into an alien cafeteria. Thankfully he’s not alone in his mission to save the planet; he’ll be accompanied by a rag-tag group of old Hawaiian natives, military grunts and a bikini model with a flower in her hair. God speed to you all!

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Models take great offence when people try to inspect their own crashed ultralights.
• The military isn’t ready to believe global warming is the result of aliens living on earth.
• Afghanistan is many things, but it’s certainly not a boring place to go on honeymoon.
• Models are intrigued by kung fu fighting special ops agents.
• Women are terrified when sounds come out of the woods.
• ‘Top Secret’ means giving broad enough hints that everyone figures out what you’re doing.
• Earth is a prime insect farming location for extraterrestrial life.
• Earth can go from temperate to Venus in less than 2 hours.

HEATSTROKE SAMPLE

100th Review: Bikini Bloodbath

Year of Release: 2006
Genre:  Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 3.3 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 3 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

It’s a special moment here at the B-Horror Blog 🙂 I’ve been doing this for just under a year now and this is my 100th review. To mark this special occasion I knew I had to go back to b-movie basics; I needed a movie that was not only bad but, in the tradition of true b-horror movies, was made with no budget, people who couldn’t act and had many, many breasts in it. Bikini Bloodbath just sounded like it would fit all of the above criteria, and boy did it ever. When the opening credits state that it was written and directed by ‘Who the Fuck Cares’ you just know it’s going to be bad. But it’s the good kind of bad in that it’s mindless and daft and you just watch the screen and marvel and the stupidity of the characters as they parade around in their bikinis trying not to be killed while keeping their blood alcohol content as high as possible.

Yeah, sure you are.

So we begin our bikini-laden misadventure at the local high school for late-20-somethings. All the girls are part of the school’s volleyball team and are busy getting in their final practice while being gently molested by their lesbian coach. With practice over our group of vapid females head off to the shower to wash one another off and throw used tampons at Suzy, the girl no one likes for reasons unknown. In amongst all of the scrubbing of backs and intense breast hygiene the girls decide that they should all get together that night for a final sleepover before they graduate highschool. Once they go off to college they worry that they won’t see one another again, so they really want to make this evening count and have many happy memories to guide them through the bleak years of adulthood. Only problem with all this? There’s a killer on the loose. The chef from one of the town’s favourite eateries lost it and killed most of his staff before making a run for it and is still on the loose. We know he’s close because he manages to kill one of the girls while she’s walking through the woods to get home. So let’s recap: half a dozen drunk, perky females in a house on their own in nothing but their bikinis and a killer on the loose. Yeah, what could possibly go wrong here…

A very lesbian death scene.

Not to be outdone by the women the football jocks decide that they’re gonna have their own party, and what unfolds is one of the most bizarre things I have ever seen in a movie. Clearly the area isn’t rich in the more common manly jock that we are familiar with from other movies, so instead we have a more special group of people to deal with. Most of them also appear to be at that stage in their life where they want to experiment with another guy just to see what it would be like. Twister is played, streamers are strewn, ice cream is eaten, the football coach fondles a few of his players and really uncoordinated dances are danced. The girls are pretty much up to the same thing, except they also have daiquiris and are in nothing but their bikinis. Two of the guys decide that they’ve had enough of being groped by their team mates for one evening and head over to the girl’s party for a different kind of fun.

A bible and a big stick will surely defeat this menace!

The boys’ attempts at seducing the girls is brought to an abrupt halt, however, when our killer rocks up on the scene. It all began with a throat slashing and quickly deteriorated into an evening of bloodshed as the chef makes his way through the scantily clad little group. His job is made all the easier owing to a complete lack of common sense on his victims’ part. The first issue the group must contend with is Suzy, who was not invited to the party, and as such the other girls don’t feel she has any right to either be there or contribute to the escape plan. The second issue that needs to be dealt with is when one of the girls offers to make a run for it and go get the police she insists she must make a stop off on the way to grab some tacos. This inevitably slows down the rescue process. The third and final issue is that, lacking any idea of how to make it out of the house alive (although the killer is in the house), the group instead decides to make more daiquiris and get hammered. This slows down their reaction time when they need to do battle with the killer. All in all, it was a very interesting party to be at.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Women will clap for virtually anything.
• Women enjoy being sexually harassed by their lesbian gym coaches.
• Sometimes walking through a cemetery and then some dark woods is the quickest way to get home.
• Homeless people smell like cheese.
• If you weren’t invited to the party you can’t be allowed in to be saved from a killer.
• If you weren’t invited to the party you can’t contribute to any plan that would involve saving everyone.
• The Bible can be used as a weapon against a murderer.
• Pro Crack Whore is now a viable career choice.

BIKINI BLOODBATH TRAILER

BUY BIKINI BLOODBATH AT AMAZON.COM

Bikini Girls on Ice

Year of Release: 2009
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 3.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Well, I’m shocked. With a name like Bikini Girls on Ice and an IMDB rating of 3.2 I really thought that I was in for a rough ride with this one but once I got beyond my disappointment that there wasn’t an ice rink involved I actually started to enjoy the movie. It isn’t good in the same way that Hatchet or Trick ‘r Treat are good movies, but rather it is good in the sense that, as slasher movies go, it actually delivers the goods. Rather than a good b-grade movie that brings some level of foolishness to the table Bikini Girls follows a tried-and-tested formula that works. Is it big budget? No. Does it have the best actors? No. Does it really matter? No, it’s girls in bikinis. If you’re looking to kill an hour and a half and looking for some blood and boobs then Bikini Girls on Ice is for you!

Mini advises that 5 scantily clad females be used for the most effective car wash.

So we begin our story as so many have before when a sorority of some sort is involved: head bitch Lena wants to have a car wash to raise money for something. Obviously when all you have is bitchiness and boobs you need to use your limited talents in the most effective way possible and to do this she enlists a bunch of other girls to run around in nothing but a bikini with her and wash strangers’ cars in the most seductive way possible. Lena doesn’t have to do much work because, as mentioned, she’s a bitch with boobs and knows a jockish virgin named Blake who will run around after her like a little puppy dog in the vain hope of getting her to have sex with him. Admittedly she could probably just lick her lips in his direction and it would get the job done, but I digress. Along for the ride is Tommy, Blake’s more down-to-earth friend who can drive a bus, and Jenna and Sam, two non-bitchy but still hot-in-a-bikini friends.

Oh yeah, it's that time of the month...

When the bus everyone is riding in breaks down outside an abandoned gas station and will take several hours to fix, the girls decide to set up shop where they are and begin flagging down customers. They’ve got a fantastic trade going on, but a creepy old man who looks like a homeless version of Santa has driven by to warn Jenna and Sam that something isn’t quite right at this gas station and that car lights can be seen going into the parking lot but never leaving again. Thinking the man is mad and that they have nothing to fear from an empty building with 100 freezers full of ice the girls go about their day washing cars and one another in soapy, slippery bliss. But of course the gas station isn’t abandoned: lurking in its many rooms and basements is a deranged mechanic named Moe who has some serious anger issues and releases some of his pent-up frustrations by taking the nearest blunt object to the back of people’s heads.

Warning: Toy dogs were harmed in the making of this movie.

As the day wears on, several girls and two French tourists go missing and most of the other girls decide to walk to the beach, Lena, Sam, Jenna, Tommy and Blake decide that it’s time to pack up and go home. That was, at least, until Lena told Blake she’d have sex with him, he pulled the bus round the back and was then replaced with a dead dog. While looking for Blake the rest of the group finds a bunch of cars parked round the back, most with their owners’ possessions still in them. When a disagreement between Sam and Lena breaks out and Sam beats Lena to the floor in the most amazing bitch fight I’ve seen in a movie in ages everyone goes their own way to try to find a phone and Blake. When Blake manages to call the main phone in the office and get hold of Lena the stupid cow, assuming that his warning of a grisly death to come is a joke, rips the wire out the phone so that it won’t work. Meanwhile Moe is busy stalking about in the night picking the girls off one-by-one and everyone needs to try to find a working car and a group survival instinct if they intend to make it back home in one piece.

Blood and guts and boobs and butts and I thoroughly recommend it 🙂

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Slutty bitches will always take advantage of a sweet, jockish virgin.
• Jockish virgins will always stupidly believe what the slutty bitch is promising him.
• Old men love to regale scantily clad girls with stories from their youth.
• Girls think a sledge-hammer can fix a broken bus engine.
• For $5 extra not only will you get your car washed but one of the girls will have sex with you.
• Beware the non-bitchy hot girl in a bikini – she packs a mean punch.
• Nobody thinks that a dead dog on a bus with the driver missing is even slightly odd.

BIKINI GIRLS ON ICE TRAILER