Doll Graveyard

Year of Release: 2005
Genre:  Horror
IMDB Rating: 4 / 10
Level of Awful: High

WHAT ITS ABOUT:

A little bit like Blood Dolls but only worse, director Charles Band has managed once again to rehash a concept that was better left untouched after they got it right with Puppet Master. To be fair, the movie probably could have been saved if it was about 20 minutes longer (the entire movie clocks in at 71 minutes), had better actors, a higher budget, better locations, a different script and a different plot line. The acting especially left me cold on this one; the characters are SO bad and irritating that you land up being cheerleaders for the dolls just so that you have one less irritating college cliché to deal with. The tagline may be ‘Reborn for Revenge’, but looking at the acting in this piece of cheese, I vote that it should be changed to ‘Reborn to do us all a favour’.

We start our magical little tale of pint-sized murder in Chicago, 1911. Little Sophia sits on the floor playing with her handmade dolls before accidentally breaking an antique vase. Her bat-eared abusive father hears the vase break and comes downstairs to investigate. After threatening to beat her he decides that the only punishment that will fit this crime is to force Sophia to dig a grave deeper than she is tall and bury the dolls. Once she has finished the task and begins to climb out she loses her footing and falls back into the grave, breaking her neck. Her father, presumably not wanting to be caught for murder, buries her alongside the dolls, where the 5 of them enjoy delightful afterlife tea parties until they can be set loose on the world.

Unfortunately the movie decides to skip ahead 94 years so we can see what happens when the dolls come to life. In 2005 the property is now inhabited by dad Lester, older daughter Deedee and young son Guy. Guy’s your typical b-movie geek who likes to sit in his room, collect mint-condition action figures and hide Hustler magazines under his bed. To add to his collection of collectible collectibles, he stumbles across one of Sophia’s dolls while out raking the yard and decides to bring it inside to be cleaned. Meanwhile Lester is preparing to go on a date and Deedee is planning on having some friends over. Deedee and her two girlfriends Olivia and Terri make up the time-honoured b-movie female trio: Deedee is the bitch, Olivia is the blonde slut and Terri is the embodiment of virginal innocence. Added to this mixture are the two usual jocks: Jock # 1 (Rich) is the misogynistic, beer-drinking, sleep-with-anything-that-moves kinda guy, while Jock # 2 (Tom) is the more sensitive and sensible kinda guy, as well as Deedee’s boyfriend.

Unfortunately for our group of friends Jocks #1 & #2 decide to tie Guy up when they crash the girl’s party, unleashing Sophia and her dolls’ fury who then go after everyone in the group in order to defend Guy against being hurt in the same way that Sophia was. The group of dolls is made up of a tribal warrior, a samurai, a baby girl in desperate need of a dentist’s appointment and a German soldier who together lead the audience through surprisingly few murders, completely stupid antics and the spirit of a little girl who only wants to possess the body of a little boy and live for all eternity while commanding her army of 4 brutish little dolls.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED:

• A girls’ night out actually involves staying home.
  
• You should only phone 911 as an absolute last resort.
• 911 doesn’t take you seriously if you tell them you’re being attacked by dolls.
• Dolls and children should always be buried separately or else the dolls will become possessed.
• Despite being made of plastic, dolls drool a lot.
• The sounds of screaming don’t carry in a medium-sized house. AT ALL.
• Once you have hit a doll that has attacked you, the best plan is to sit down and wait for it to scurry away.
• Not wanting to sleep with 814 men makes you close-minded.
• When a doll is about to shoot you, it would be very considerate if you could stand up straight to give it the best possible shot.
• Never run out of the house when you know the killers are in the same room as you.
• When a killer doll is staring you in the face, compliment him on his physique.
• Despite the fact that the dolls only come up to your ankles, don’t try to kick them out of your way to make your escape. Rather stand in a group and wait for them to just take you out.