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Search Engines Gone Wild

This is something I’ve been threatening to do for a while so I figured there’s no time like the present. People find this blog through a variety of means and I’m very grateful to all the other great blogs out there that have posted a link to mine. The most entertaining thing by far, however, is seeing what people type into the likes of Google. I’ve put together a list of some of the entertaining and truly bizarre things that people look for on the internet and, for fun, I’m also going to see if I can guess what review the searches took them to. Prepare for something truly amazing!

  • xxxtreme pig hunt – Pig Hunt
  • asin sexing – No idea.
  • daddy issues sex slave – There are a variety of movies tagged ‘daddy issues’ that this could have led to. Although one must wonder what this person was actually looking for.
  • cock socks for sale – I have no idea and I can’t think of any tag that would suggest I sell such a product.
  • burning breasts horror movie – How do breasts burn?
  • 666 bdsm artwork female satanic sacrifice – Someone clearly likes it dark.
  • campsite cutlery salesman – Hard Ride To Hell. Do people actually do that?
  • captured girls impregnated by inbreds – Bloodlines. I’m going to tell myself that this person was looking for something like Wrong Turn and nothing more.
  • vanessa’s boyfriend handcuffed her and force feeds her a bunch of tacos until she is miserably stuffed – I don’t even want to know.
  • menacing flamingo – I’ve got nothing.
  • naked living with pigs – Pig Hunt. A lot of people seem to have a thing with pigs.
  • tragic boobs – The Evil Woods. Why would you want to see that?
  • asia horror extreme brutale horror killer lesbian sex fight whip.asia – Tokyo Gore Police.
  • busty women+blaxploitation – Black Devil Doll.
  • mills and boons – I find it insulting that someone got here by using that.
  • lightning gay slut – Either Dead Boyz Don’t Scream or Lightning Strikes. Not entirely sure how the two go together.
  • ventriloquist dummy sex – Black Devil Doll. Again, the mind boggles.
  • incontinence in public – I’m sorry, what?
  • sluts on ice – Bikini Girls on Ice. This does sound like it would make a lovely, family friendly performance.
  • horror movie with beavers cheerleading – Andre the Butcher. Are the cheerleaders beavers or do the cheerleaders have beavers?
  • fleshlight horror – Ummm…
  • piles of shit – Monsturd.
  • horror flick vagina crowbar killer – I imagine that context is everything with this one.
  • fat ugly girl wearing thong singing happy birthday – Nope, got nothing for this one either.
  • topless support of hunting – Pig Hunt.
  • forced incontinence – What’s with the incontinence obsession?
  • horror movies about human meat genital – I’m gonna run with Bad Biology through lack of a better idea.
  • horror video vaginal impregnation – Is there any other kind?

But my personal favourite:

  • Softcore masala kissing – The gods alone know. I’m going with an Indian version of the Emmanuelle movies.

So there you have it: some truly amazing things that the internet is being used for everyday. I think that I might turn this into a semi-regular series of posts, so I wait and see what spectacular searches humanity decides to throw at me next 🙂

Wicked Lake

Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.1 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 4.5 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Well it wasn’t a Witch’s Sabbath so far as the Breast-O-Meter was concerned but it really did give it its very best shot. Wicked Lake is one of those extremely rare films that not only is horrifying in terms of its plot and execution, but also makes you (or at least me) feel incredibly uncomfortable while watching it. It’s possible the writers or director had some really kinky fetishes that they felt absolutely had to be incorporated into the movie but personally the combination of lesbian lovin’ and torture porn is a difficult one.

So there's a whole lot of this going on...

Our dear movie starts off with a perfect example of the ever popular ‘awkward moment’. We’re in a (community) college of some sort where Ilene is busy posing nude for an art class. Caleb, a very awkward student in a very flamboyant pink shirt and jeans so tight you can tell his religion, begins to fantasise about Ilene doing a little dance for him in the middle of class. Petrified by his own fantasy he runs out the room and waits for Ilene in the parking lot. What follows is some awkward standing around followed by an equally awkward walk back to Ilene’s place. When they get there Caleb shows Ilene a picture of a unicorn he drew in class and she, in turn, whips out one of her breasts for him. Their awkward moment is interrupted by one of Ilene’s friends who walks out the door at that point and Caleb runs home crying.

The first reincarnation is always the hardest.

As with this movie in general weirdness must be followed by even more weirdness so next we are shown a little sneak peek into Ilene’s home life. She lives with her three friends Mary, Helen and Jill. Now, these girls are incredibly close in a constantly-naked-and-licking-one-another kind of way. All four of them share in a little sex before hopping in their car and heading away to a little cabin in the woods for the weekend. Elsewhere we are introduced to Caleb’s family. At some point his parents died and his brother took over looking after the family. This brother is strange and likes to make out with Caleb, the other brother’s clearly more than a little touched in the head and their uncle is in a wheelchair and seemingly addicted to a cocktail of pain medications. Since Caleb came home late from college that day (the family doesn’t support him going to college) everyone is angry. Caleb’s not the most articulate character you’ve ever seen to begin with and this altercation with the family really doesn’t make things any better. After disappearing and coming back with no pants and a different pink shirt he tells everyone that he knows how to make up for his bad behaviour.

This is going to leave minor bruising...

The plan to make up for his behaviour, of course, involves going up to the cabin, holding the girls at knife point and having them perform a variety of humiliating acts on the strange clan of men. How Caleb knows where this cabin is is an entirely different story that we, the audience, are not privy to. We are then subjected to about 15 minutes of ass slapping and puke wiping before the movie decides that it wants to take a left turn into a completely different genre. When the full moon comes out something happens to the girls: they gain animal-like strength and growling noises. These things lead to the very obvious conclusion that these girls are werewol… I mean witches. 1000s of years old witches. A coven of lesbian witches. And now they’re going to fight back and show the boys just how mean they can be. This will involve a lot of biting, gallons of fake blood and a lot of licking blood and taking human fleshing out of one another’s mouths. Thrown in there for good measure are two cops constantly smoking weed trying to hunt the girls down after discovering their underground stash of bodies. Who will make it out alive? I can’t say, but be prepared for an incredibly strange torture method involving a giant black dildo.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • $20 an hour is the going rate for posing nude.
  • Posing nude is better than waitressing or giving blowjobs to strangers.
  • Women will just let awkward hipsters fondle their breasts in the driveway.
  • College is something to be tolerated, but definitely not supported.
  • Lesbians, in a group context, are known to participate in synchronised sexing.
  • Little girls who don’t answer strangers’ questions go to hell.
  • Some witches are incredibly forward thinking and concerned about environmental issues.
  • Calling for necessary reinforcements is for TV cops and pussies only.

WICKED LAKE TRAILER

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