WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
I know it’s not a horror movie, made on a tiny budget or generally shunned like most of the movies I watch, but there was a reason Tropical Mary and I watched this (with the Stygian Mole for backup): it was absolutely perfect for our series of Historically Inaccurate movies. Greek history is more Tropical Mary’s thing than mine, but after watching this we were both deeply insulted and hurt on a moral and ethical level. Granted, this movie is only meant to be loosely based on the myths of Theseus and the Titanomachy, but this is only true in the same sense that The Sims is loosely based on real life situations. In the wise words of Tropical Mary, a coffee table with a picture book of Greek history on it would have learned more through osmosis than these people did. I’m not going to give this movie a review, as such, because everyone and their grandmother has already done that; instead I’m going to provide you with our collective stream of thought from the beginning of the movie right up until the end.
THE COLLECTIVE THOUGHTS OF THE B-HORROR BLOG & TROPICAL MARY:
– In the beginning, there was The Cube, or hamster cage, or divine foosball table.
– Why is this hell hole modelled on the Pantheon?
– Mount Tartaros? How’d we get from the centre of the earth to a mountain with an amazing view of nothing?
– A Sibylline Monastery in the Greek Dark Ages? There are so many things wrong with that.
– I can see Theseus’ lips moving, but all I’m hearing is ‘I’m as gay as a fruitcake!’
– Why is this one wearing a shell loin cloth?
– This holy labyrinth could really do with a little colour on the wall.
– This movie is really just an epic tale about stupid hats.
– OK, so they’re caravanning to Tartaros? Why would you wanna do that?
– For such a terrible time in history, the dark ages came equipped with good plumbing.
– Why’s Mystique in this movie?
– Oh wait, it’s just the STRICTLY VIRGIN Athena running around half-naked.
– For someone who’s the king of the gods, Zeus is very baby-faced. Good stylish stubble though.
– Why would the Greeks have an Apis Bull of all things lying around?
– For a period that was known for geometric art, these sculptures are really life-like.
– You can’t walk ten feet in this movie without coming across a well with crystal clear water in it.
– A special weapon that you have to get out of a stone? I wonder where they got that idea from…
– Good to see that the citrus fruit trade is alive and well shortly after the Dorian Invasion.
– How are their monks running around?
– “Witness Hell”? How can they do that when they don’t know what hell is?
– There’s nothing quite as pretty as a virgin oracle wearing a giant lampshade.
– Me: “Why is Poseidon wearing giant earmuffs?” Stygian Mole: “Because he’s moonlighting as Lady Gaga’s backup dancer.”
– OK, so Poseidon went from being Zeus’ brother to Zeus’ son? Sure, why not.
– Mickey Rourke really needs to learn how to speak.
– Blood letting = correct burial rites.
– Why is the Minotaur a dude in a barbwire mask? And come to think of it, where the hell is Minos?
– Oracles shall henceforth be reclassified as ‘Rooi Rok Bokkies’ (watch this video for explanation).
– This virgin oracle’s about to have her visions defiled.
– The venus flytrap hat isn’t doing anything for this guy.
– Slow roasted faux oracles cook best in their own juices.
– How the hell’d they manage to get a hyena?
– Hat envy is the real reason everyone’s going to war.
– Good plan: Kill the god of war before going to war. Great job guys!
– They have a Hellenic Council? Really? Before they called themselves Hellenes?
– Movie: “He’s brought the olive branch of peace.” Stygian Mole: “Lies! It’s the poison ivy branch of trickery!”
– Why is there Elvish written all over these walls?
– Hyperion – the reason we can’t have nice things!
– This is a very loose phalanx formation.
– I guess every kingdom has to have a secret stairway to the main complex that isn’t at all guarded.
– Who thought it was a good idea to make armor that bends?
– These Titans clearly haven’t been given their rabies shots; they’ve all gone feral.
– These gods haven’t a single useful weapon among them.
– Surely it would have helped to bring the other 7 gods with you? Even if Hestia baked a cake, it would still be something.
– Athena’s kung fu fighting. That girl’s as fast as lightning.
– For immortal beings these gods are actually incredibly mortal.
– The greatest tragedy of all is this movie’s dialogue.
– Doing great things means you get rewarded with an ugly kid and a place among the gods.
– I do love a good pop-up frieze.
– The end.
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WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
Everyone needs a calling in life. For some it’s a career, for others it’s helping the poor. For me and all the voices, it’s watching b-grade horror movies. When I join forces with Tropical Mary the mission is to take SyFy movies based (loosely) on classical antiquity and rip it to shreds. It began with Cyclops, a movie that hurt me badly since Roman history is my thing. It was decided that we needed to find something that would hurt Tropical Mary just as much, since Greek history is more her thing. The gods seemed to have heard our prayers and delivered Odysseus and the Isle of Mists to us.
I won’t burden you with the entire plotline, because there really isn’t all that much of it, and the main point of doing this review is the lessons we learned through watching the movie. The year is 1180 BC-ish, Troy has been defeated and Odysseus has begun his 10 year journey to return home to Ithaca. Accompanying Odysseus and his small team is the poet Homer, who is acting as the scribe and recording Odysseus’ adventures as they travel along. The story about to unfold is so horrifying that Homer decided to leave it out of his Odyssey. Odysseus and his men are about to come upon the Isle of the Mists, a dreadful place where death is in the very air. It’s inhabited by a number of foul creatures who look a bit like gargoyles done with terrible CGI. More frighteningly, though, is the goddess Persephone, wife of Hades and queen of the Underworld. The other gods of Olympus have bound her to the island for attempting to usurp the throne from Zeus, and she has a number of sneaky plans in mind to get Odysseus and his men to help her off the island and enslave all mankind.
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- The Trojan War took place around 1200 BC. Homer lived sometime in 700 BC. To take detailed notes of events, Homer travelled back in time to witness the deeds of Odysseus.
- Despite being blind Homer can see perfectly well.
- Despite being illiterate Homer is the only man in the movie who can write.
- Despite being illiterate and blind Homer can draw incredibly detailed maps.
- Despite English not existing at the time Homer was a master at the finer points of its grammar.
- Despite living miles away and the language not having formed yet Homer was well versed in Latin.
- Despite the fact that there were no publishing houses at the time Homer had publishing rights over his works.
- Not to be outdone by the Sirens, Poseidon also likes to sing. This is how he controls the seas.
- Not to be outdone by either the Sirens or Poseidon, Persephone is also known to break into song in order to defeat evil flying monsters.
- Persephone was a healing divinity.
- Although the technology had yet to be invented the Isle of the Mists is littered with beautiful glassware.
- Although the metal had yet to be discovered the Isle of the Mists is littered with aluminium poles.
- Although the architectural form was yet to be devised the Isle of the Mists is home to a number of Corinthian columns.
- All Greeks that have been at war for 10 years are granted access to amazing dental plans.
- Although she is a goddess and married to one of the 12 most important Greek divinities Persephone is also a siren.
- Although she is a goddess of war with many manly attributes Athena loves to dress is dazzling gold dresses and wear a tin crown.
- Although the Greeks had no concept of hell and that crosses were used by the Romans the only way to defeat Persephone is with the Hellfire Cross.
- Although Rome had yet to be founded all the Greeks dressed like the Romans.
- The stylus is mightier than the sword.
- Sealy Posturepedic mattresses were one of Mycenaean Greece’s greatest inventions.
- Although they are immortal and cannot die it’s actually quite easy to murder a goddess.
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