Hookers in a Haunted House

Year of Release: 1999
Genre: Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 2.7 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy
Breast-O-Meter: 10 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Sometimes life just kind of happens, and for the past few weeks I have been completely unable to dedicate any time to watching awful movies. As a result I felt I should come back with a bang and chose the spectacular sounding Hookers in a Haunted House. Now, while it is the only movie I’ve reviewed so far that has managed to match Witch’s Sabbath‘s Breast-O-Meter reading, unlike the previous breast fest Hookers in a Haunted House barely makes any attempt at actually being a movie. It’s a very thinly veiled softcore porno with horrendous jokes thrown in to pad the time out a bit. If you ever feel the sudden urge to watch this movie, consider yourself warned.

She has the strength of a thousand hookers!

In what really is the setup to a poorly conceived joke, a blonde, brunette and red-headed hooker are about to spend an evening in a haunted house. IMDB swears blindly that these women have names but I don’t recall any of them being used in the actual movie. All the ‘action’ has already taken place and we are being told what happened through a series of flash backs from the blonde hooker as she details her harrowing evening to a rather strange TV journalist. The girls landed up in their frightening predicament when they decided to sell their wares out on a country road, the idea being that there would be less competition here from the other inner-city hookers. As luck would have it a group of Trekkies just happened to be driving by at that point and are more than happy for the girls to raise their shields to full power (or some pun along those lines).

So here's the plot in a nutshell.

The evening starts off with the nerdiest of the Trekkies trying to impress the hookers with his collection of human eyes in a jar and other bizarre paraphernalia. Perhaps as a result of this the girls don’t really take much of a shining to him, choosing instead to play around with his two friends. What follows is a slow strip tease, a lot of breast action and some ass shots that reveal some truly horrible thighs. The ego dented from the lack of attention the head Trekkie decides to whip out a Ouija board and play around with demons from another dimension. By randomly waving his hands over the board and muttering some old school song lyrics he manages to invoke, and I quote, “hideous, vile, ill-tempered and excessively butch spirits from beyond the grave”. This is actually misleading as he only summons one spirit, the ghost of a deranged bag packing boy, and nothing about this spirit suggests in any way that he is particularly butch.

Even in Hell you can't find the receipt you're looking for.

Obviously terrified by the presence of this hideous, vile, ill-tempered and excessively butch spirit from beyond the grave the girls do the only logical thing you can do in these kinds of situations: have more sex and look for food. While they’re doing this and a smoke machine mysteriously puffs away the bag boy goes about killing people with boxes of Corn Flakes and a pricing gun. It will take the blonde hooker a trip into hell to visit her long-deceased ancestor to discover the powers she has hidden deep within her that will help them escape from the clutches of this terrifying spirit. It will also take her posing topless for the camera for the news crew’s ratings to stay high enough for her to finish telling her terrible tale.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Credits should contain as many breasts as humanly possible.
• B-movies hinder a hooker’s ability to make money.
• Smeared makeup is a traumatic thing for a hooker to go through.
• Female journalists and hookers share a deep, spiritual bond.
• Ouija boards can double up as a crystal ball in the event of emergency incantations.
• Evil spirits are known to return hookers to their fully clothed states.
• A good nipple licking and pinching will resuscitate a fainted hooker.
• A family sized box of Corn Flakes can be used as a brutal and effective weapon.
• Terrified hookers will often do a strip tease for the malevolent spirits stalking them.
• Professional hookers should, in the interest of political correctness, be referred to as Pleasure Oriented Care Givers.

BUY HOOKERS IN A HAUNTED HOUSE AT AMAZON.COM

Terror at Blood Fart Lake

Year of Release: 2009
Genre: Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 3.1 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy
Breast-O-Meter: 1 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Let’s all be honest with one another right from the get go: this movie’s title really gives away the fact that you’re not meant to take it seriously. Since it falls on the ‘Lobotomy’ end of the Level of Awful scale it ranks itself right up there with the absolute worst of the worst but, at the same time, gives you one of the best laughs you’ll ever have. I literally nearly wet myself a few times during the movie’s 70-odd minute run. It’s a cautionary tale about choosing your vacation destination’s name wisely, the power of Evanescence in the goth community and the need to be careful when allowing Tim Burton near your anal cavity.

It’s not gay if it came out the fruit bowl.

If one thing rings true about today’s youth it’s that they’re always ready to flock to an attractively named holiday resort. To be honest, of the 6 main characters we have to keep our eye on, I can only remember Gwen’s name. The reason for this is that, rather than running around a lake on holiday, Gwen should be institutionalised and subjected to electric shock therapy until she sorts some of her shit out. You wouldn’t think that one woman could live her life in a constant state of dancing and jazz hands. The rest of the group is made up of a very ungothic goth chick, a guy from New Jersey whose mouth moves but nothing resembling words come out, a stoner wigger New Jersey guy light, a guy who makes and sells shirts and another girl with ample bosoms (and ample everything else).

Why is the goth wearing pink hearts?

Trying to explain the storyline (what little there is) is an exercise in futility. Instead allow me to regale you with some dialogue from our dear, beloved characters:

“Can’t I just kill a squirrel and use that as a rubber?”

“Do you practice the dark arts? And listen to Evanescence?”

“I had a dream that you were rubbing Toblerone all over my asshole. Then Tim Burton popped up… and scurried away into my anal cavity.”

“Cling tenaciously to my ass!”

“It was good, but I reject the taste of your syrup. A warrior woman must be purified with only the finest nut butter before battle.”

No, I’m far too classy to do that…

So yeah, that should give you a clue of what you’re up against if you choose to go forward with watching this movie. Thrown into the mix is a cursed and very gay scarecrow, amateur liposuction, a varied selection of $1 wigs and fake moustaches, incredibly sharp corn, scenes that go a little bit further than softcore porn, people constantly popping out the floor, driving passed Jupiter on our way to Blood Fart Lake and women trained in the fine art of using sabre-toothed ass leeches to defeat her enemies. Another word of caution: there isn’t a single attractive person in this movie, no matter what preference you may have.

I don’t know what else to say. This isn’t one of those movies that words could ever do justice for. It will do unspeakable things to your mind, it’ll make you question every belief you’ve ever held and it will ruin Toblerones for you for the rest of your life. Even with all that, I still recommend you grab a copy and give it a watch. Just don’t do it alone – this is best done as a group effort so you can help each other get off the floor when it’s all over.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• A full bladder of urine can easily be turned into a full tank of petrol.
• A broken car engine can be fixed by unscrewing a single screw in the car’s hood.
• An evening of eats and wild tomfoolery is now limited to a few dry crackers and telling ghost stories.
• Things can be as square as a rhombus.
• Kernels of corn can be used with brutal and bloody efficiency.
• Fat people’s bodies are made up of a combination of blood and whipped cream with roughly 1 part blood to 30 parts whipped cream.
• Certain lakes don’t make you wet when you swim in them.
• Tibetan monks are currently training an army of sabre-toothed ass leech-wielding warriors.

TERROR AT BLOOD FART LAKE SAMPLE

BUY TERROR AT BLOOD FART LAKE AT AMAZON.COM

Tokyo Gore Police

Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Horror / Action / Sci-Fi
IMDB Rating: 6.1 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

THIS POST CONTAINS STRONG ADULT CONTENT

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Few are the times that I am truly lost for words, but this has got to be one of those few times. Clearly the fallout from Hiroshima and Nagasaki had much greater long-term effects than the world initially realised because something is very, VERY wrong in Japan. I’m not scared of gore and I’m not scared of weird shit but if a movie’s gonna have them there has to be some kind of purpose to it. Not here, not here at all. This movie is just under two hours of non-stop blood and guts and boobs and butts. Thankfully I watched it with a good friend of mine so we spent most of the movie in stitches laughing because if I hadn’t I don’t know if I’d would’ve come out alright on the other side. Who the people at IMDB are that think this movie deserves a 6.1 / 10 I don’t know and to show the levels of weird I’m not going to review this movie in the normal 3-pictures-and-text fashion. This is for two reasons: firstly the storyline is too thin to properly write about (near-future Japan, police are privatised, mutants are on the run, one girl one destiny – all there is to it) and I feel a pictorial review best illuminates this movie’s oddest qualities.

In a privatised future, all police dispatchers are required to be slutty blondes who like to dance.

You should always carry an umbrella around in case you decide to cut someone’s arms off. No amount of washing will get blood out of a silk mini kimono.

In the future your fondest memories will be of you and your best friends sitting together for an afternoon performing group mutilation.

The rare and elusive vagigator is a worthy and honourable foe.

Ever been so horny that your penis just blew right off?

I’m just eternally grateful that it turned out to be a laser gun rather than some other kind of ammunition.

For the ultimate fetish enthusiast: The Golden Shower Breathing Chair

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Don’t visit Japan. EVER.

TOKYO GORE POLICE TRAILER

Black Devil Doll

Year of Release: 2007
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 4.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

THIS POST CONTAINS STRONG ADULT CONTENT

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Sweet baby Jesus what just happened? I apologise profusely to Bad Biology for every bad word I said about it because this is so, SO much worse. I came across this movie after reading a review for the original Black Devil Doll from Hell over at The Deadly Doll’s House and thought that it sounded just too good to be true. After doing a little research and not wanting to rip off another blogger’s good work I put every film-finding skill I had into hunting down this piece of crap, a very loose remake of the 80’s original. I say loose because, judging from what I’ve read, the original had a storyline of some sort with some evil doll sex thrown into the mixture. THIS movie, however, is something else entirely. It’s quite remarkable that one movie can be so disgusting and so offensive to ABSOLUTELY everyone that anyone can walk away from it feeling insulted. In a nutshell it’s and hour and a bit’s worth of softcore porn veiled in a b-grade horror movie disguise. But since it’s my mission to watch some of the worst horrors out there I give myself a pat on the back for making it all the way through this one.

How to truly and effectively wash your car.

Heather, our rather busty lead, is bored. After flipping through a bunch of channels and finding nothing interesting on other than cock socks for sale and some guy named Mubia Abul-Jama being electrocuted for the murder of 15 Caucasian women (emphasis on Caucasian – this becomes Heather’s big word of the day and, like any child who’s learned something new, will say it every chance she gets), she decides to play with a Ouija board to pass the time (as so many of us do). As often happens at the stroke of midnight when serial killers are being executed the Ouija board vomits up the soul of Mubia and places it in the very Caucasian dummy (if Heather can say it a thousand times so can I 🙂 ) and transforms it into a very black dummy. Within instants of talking about his various sadistic murders Heather falls madly in love with Mubia and the two begin a very strange and graphic relationship with one another.

You know your friends aren't listening to a word you say when...

Despite the beauty of their relationship any man (as we are told) will eventually get bored and begin to show some interest in other women. Mubia decides that he needs to spread himself around a little more but promises that Heather will always be his #1 bitch and, enjoying his more tender side, Heather promises (after having the crap beaten out of her) to call some of her equally slutty Caucasian friends and have them come over so that Mubia can take advantage of them. After devising their cunning plan (not really – you don’t need a cunning plan when every female character has a bag of frozen peas for a brain) Heather’s friends Natasha, Candi, Buffy and Bambi pull up with breasts thrusting and proceed to dance and wash their car in a very seductive manner before coming inside. After some chitchat and feeling one another up Heather keeps to her end of the deal and goes to McDonald’s where she will eat her weight in burgers while Mubia satiates his lust with, on, over, under, on top of and next to her friends.

Deals made when experiencing the after glow never tend to work out well...

Of course, as the saying goes, once a serial killer, always a serial killer. Stemming from his lack of self-esteem at having become a dummy Mubia decides that he will have to kill Heather’s friends before having sex with them for fear of having them reject him. This is a relatively simple process in a house full of pointy counter tops where every woman is naked and, for one or other reason, oiled up and incredibly slippery. As a lesson to us all, however, the movie does teach us that even when being chased and hunted by a demonic doll if a guy pulls his pants down any woman will go weak at the knees and grant him his every sexual desire. We also learn that once these desires have been met a demonic doll will kill you and make a human pyramid on the Twister board that’s lying in the living room. As her friends are bumped off one-by-one and Heather eventually gets home after clearing out McDonald’s supply of food she is understandably upset that Mubia took it a step further than she had agreed to by killing her friends instead of just having sex with them. It is now up to our busty heroine to put a stop to his rampage of sexual terror once and for all.

A note to myself: If, in the future, your reasoning behind watching a remake is ‘now that we’re in 2011 standards have relaxed and there’ll be more obscenity and gore in it’, please take a moment and think about what you’re doing.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED:

• All answering machine messages should be made in your best porn star voice.
• Along with magazines every coffee table should have a Ouija board on it.
• Saying ‘nigger’ 100 times a day is a very romantic gesture and will make Caucasian women fall madly in love with you in moments.
• Nobody thinks having sex with a doll is odd.
• Nobody can distinguish between a midget and a ventriloquist’s dummy.
• When you get out of a car you should always do a XXX-rated version of the Pussycat Doll’s ‘When I Grow Up’ dance routine.
• A car isn’t clean unless it’s been washed with breasts.
• It is quite common for women to check the quality of their boob jobs by fondling one another.
• A game of twister inevitably leads to some lesbian experimentation.
• Women should always pull their breasts out before shooting a demonic doll.
• A regular hand pistol holds, on average, 372 bullets.

Black Devil Doll Trailer

 

Dead Snow

Year of Release: 2009
Genre: Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 6.5 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise! – Low

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

This movie deserves its place in my vault of terror for nothing else other than the way that I found out about it. Apparently many people were well aware of this movie because of its original story, its funny little quirks and its high Nazi content. Not me. I found out about this movie through Linni Meister, Norway’s answer to Paris Hilton (or, where I come from, Patricia Lewis). You see, for some unknown reason, Dead Snow is promoted throughout her song ‘My Ass’. Now what the Nazi Zombies and this chick’s ass have to do with one another the gods alone know, but this is how I came across the movie. And the movie really eats at me because for most of it I really was enjoying it, but there were still points where I tilted my head and gazed at the screen blankly. I think it might have had something to do with the dodgy subtitles my version had, but it’s not my job to make up people’s minds – I’m just here to poke fun at movies when they start getting silly 🙂

Outhouse sex: Proof that men love sex so much they'll do it before wiping their asses.

Seven medical students (Vegard, Erlend, Chris, Martin, Roy, Hanna and Liv) have decided to get away from it all for the Easter holidays and take a little vacation somewhere in the back and beyond of Norway where Vegard’s girlfriend Sara owns a little cabin. Sara left before the rest of the group to get to the cabin and has subsequently gone missing since she was chased down and attacked in the movie’s opening sequence. Unaware of Sara’s fate, the rest of the group enjoys a fun night of jokes and drinks until a hiker appears at their door. After drinking and insulting their organic coffee he decides that the students need to be enlightened about the history of the area. During WWII Standartenführer Herzog and some of his cronies were stationed in this area where, for 3 years, they were the cruel and sadistic overlords that one would expect a Nazi to be. When Germany began to fall the soldiers began looting the town and planned on going into hiding in the surrounding hills and forests. The townsfolk decided they weren’t having any of it and ambushed and killed most of the Nazis. Herzog and the few remaining survivors escaped into the hills and were presumed dead. But as we all know, bad shit refuses to stay dead for long…

Mein Führer Zombie Action Figure. Zombie Minions sold separately.

After that delightful little tale the hiker goes on his way and, the following morning, Vegard decides that he needs to go and look for his girlfriend. While he’s out on his little journey he manages to fall into a snow-covered cave where he lies unconscious for several hours. While he’s doing that the rest of the gang back at the cabin find a mysterious box under some of the floor boards. The box is filled with gold coins, one of which Chris pockets for herself. While on her way to the outhouse to have some steamy sex with Erlend she drops the coin and awakens the zombie Nazi horde who begin to lay siege to the cabin. As groans are exchanged, brains craved and blood splattered the students manage to barricade themselves in the cabin and survive until the morning in hopes of devising a method of escape.

Admittedly one of the coolest zombie killing sequences ever...

Vegard, meanwhile, awakens in the cave and, upon some investigation, discovers where Herzog and his cronies were hiding out in their last days. In amongst the remains and Sara’s severed head he does manage to find a variety of firearms. While he investigates his choice of weapons and his girlfriend’s head he is attacked by a zombie and badly bitten but, fortunately for him, these zombies don’t transform you when they bite and he manages to kill it before making a stylish getaway on his snowmobile that he has now equipped with a machine gun. Back at the cabin those that made it through the night decide that their best chance of survival is to split up (when will people learn?). What follows are some of the most awesome zombie chase and kill scenes as this ragged little group tries to make it off the mountain before being eaten – all because of a single gold coin. I would strongly recommend this movie to anyone who enjoys a good gory, silly and occasionally cheesy zombie movie.

I have decided not to post a trailer for Dead Snow. Instead, I would like those that haven’t seen yet it to discover it the same way that I did. Scroll down to watch Linni Meister’s music video for her hit song ‘My Ass’ (I promise that you will never be the same after watching it…)

THINGS I’VE LEARNED:

• Molotov Cocktails should be thrown out the window, not against the wall.
• Strangling people is an excellent way to show appreciation for their hospitality.
• Telling people that the place they are holidaying at used to be a Nazi outpost dedicated to torturing local people really brings the mood of a party down.
• Your girlfriend may not think being smothered with a pillow is a kind of foreplay.
• Never trust a women with outhouse-sex on her mind with a cursed gold coin.
• Being murdered in an outhouse’s cesspit is a shitty way to go.
• A joke isn’t funny unless it has poop, pee, or semen in it.
• There is nothing hotter than getting it on in an outhouse.
• You will never be as hardcore as the guy with a machine gun on his snowmobile.

LINNI MEISTER: ‘MY ASS’