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Immortals Ft. Tropical Mary

Year of Release: 2011
Genre: Action / Fantasy
IMDB Rating: 6.1 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 0.5 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

I know it’s not a horror movie, made on a tiny budget or generally shunned like most of the movies I watch, but there was a reason Tropical Mary and I watched this (with the Stygian Mole for backup): it was absolutely perfect for our series of Historically Inaccurate movies. Greek history is more Tropical Mary’s thing than mine, but after watching this we were both deeply insulted and hurt on a moral and ethical level. Granted, this movie is only meant to be loosely based on the myths of Theseus and the Titanomachy, but this is only true in the same sense that The Sims is loosely based on real life situations. In the wise words of Tropical Mary, a coffee table with a picture book of Greek history on it would have learned more through osmosis than these people did. I’m not going to give this movie a review, as such, because everyone and their grandmother has already done that; instead I’m going to provide you with our collective stream of thought from the beginning of the movie right up until the end.

THE COLLECTIVE THOUGHTS OF THE B-HORROR BLOG & TROPICAL MARY:

– In the beginning, there was The Cube, or hamster cage, or divine foosball table.
– Why is this hell hole modelled on the Pantheon?
– Mount Tartaros? How’d we get from the centre of the earth to a mountain with an amazing view of nothing?
– A Sibylline Monastery in the Greek Dark Ages? There are so many things wrong with that.
– I can see Theseus’ lips moving, but all I’m hearing is ‘I’m as gay as a fruitcake!’
– Why is this one wearing a shell loin cloth?
– This holy labyrinth could really do with a little colour on the wall.
– This movie is really just an epic tale about stupid hats.
– OK, so they’re caravanning to Tartaros? Why would you wanna do that?
– For such a terrible time in history, the dark ages came equipped with good plumbing.
– Why’s Mystique in this movie?
– Oh wait, it’s just the STRICTLY VIRGIN Athena running around half-naked.
– For someone who’s the king of the gods, Zeus is very baby-faced. Good stylish stubble though.
– Why would the Greeks have an Apis Bull of all things lying around?
– For a period that was known for geometric art, these sculptures are really life-like.
– You can’t walk ten feet in this movie without coming across a well with crystal clear water in it.
– A special weapon that you have to get out of a stone? I wonder where they got that idea from…
– Good to see that the citrus fruit trade is alive and well shortly after the Dorian Invasion.
– How are their monks running around?
– “Witness Hell”? How can they do that when they don’t know what hell is?
– There’s nothing quite as pretty as a virgin oracle wearing a giant lampshade.
– Me: “Why is Poseidon wearing giant earmuffs?” Stygian Mole: “Because he’s moonlighting as Lady Gaga’s backup dancer.”
– OK, so Poseidon went from being Zeus’ brother to Zeus’ son? Sure, why not.
– Mickey Rourke really needs to learn how to speak.
– Blood letting = correct burial rites.
– Why is the Minotaur a dude in a barbwire mask? And come to think of it, where the hell is Minos?
– Oracles shall henceforth be reclassified as ‘Rooi Rok Bokkies’ (watch this video for explanation).
– This virgin oracle’s about to have her visions defiled.
– The venus flytrap hat isn’t doing anything for this guy.
– Slow roasted faux oracles cook best in their own juices.
– How the hell’d they manage to get a hyena?
– Hat envy is the real reason everyone’s going to war.
– Good plan: Kill the god of war before going to war. Great job guys!
– They have a Hellenic Council? Really? Before they called themselves Hellenes?
– Movie: “He’s brought the olive branch of peace.” Stygian Mole: “Lies! It’s the poison ivy branch of trickery!”
– Why is there Elvish written all over these walls?
– Hyperion – the reason we can’t have nice things!
– This is a very loose phalanx formation.
– I guess every kingdom has to have a secret stairway to the main complex that isn’t at all guarded.
– Who thought it was a good idea to make armor that bends?
– These Titans clearly haven’t been given their rabies shots; they’ve all gone feral.
– These gods haven’t a single useful weapon among them.
– Surely it would have helped to bring the other 7 gods with you? Even if Hestia baked a cake, it would still be something.
– Athena’s kung fu fighting. That girl’s as fast as lightning.
– For immortal beings these gods are actually incredibly mortal.
– The greatest tragedy of all is this movie’s dialogue.
– Doing great things means you get rewarded with an ugly kid and a place among the gods.
– I do love a good pop-up frieze.
– The end.

This movie makes the real Athena weep.

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Alien Armageddon

Year of Release: 2011
Genre: Sci-Fi / Horror
IMDB Rating: 1.9 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Nephilim: a great buzz word for many end of the world movies. Despite the presence of such an awesome buzz word, however, this movie turned out to be a load of pants. It would have been a highly amusing load of pants had it not quickly descended into confusing chaos overloaded with more scenes of people vomiting and having bouts of diarrhoea than would ever be necessary. In amongst all of that is the usual supply of poor acting and laughable special effects. Of course were Alien Armageddon not a complete pile of rubbish it wouldn’t form part of my 2012 End of the World Month survival guide, so you pick your battles 🙂

I imagine creating this movie was a fairly similar experience.

As often happens on days when people are out going about their daily lives an alien army invades Earth and promptly begins blowing all our major cities to hell and back. Given that they’ve come over in relatively sizeable spaceships how nobody saw them coming is anyone’s guess. After a day or so of general carnage and mayhem the (white) US president surrenders the whole of Earth to the invading Nephilim. They were nice enough to explain to him that the reason they blew everything up is because they want to rebuild society from scratch and give us all a much better life devoid of the problems humanity tends to inflict on itself. Again, how one man can surrender the entire planet to an alien force I don’t know but I guess it’s all a part of the movie’s greater plan. Having secured Earth’s surrender the Nephilim begin constructing permanent bases of operation for themselves in the major city centres to begin processing the humans living there.

Some aliens were naturally wide-eyed when they discovered Earth porn.

At some point just after the occupation the Nephilim constructed an enormous wall right the way around Los Angeles (where most of the movie takes place). This wall serves to keep the people of Los Angeles from escaping and to stop anyone from the human resistance army from breaking in and getting up to any mischief. The resistance movement is a fragmented and ill prepared group of predominantly red-headed females but, for us, the most important is Jodie, a fierce red-head trying to reclaim Earth for humanity and find her missing daughter. The whole Nephilim ‘peace and love’ story soon falls apart for Jodie after she is captured and imprisoned in one of their laboratories. So far as prisons go this one isn’t really the worst; Jodie and her cell mates are fed and watered at regular intervals but the food seems to be making anyone who eats it incredibly ill. Outside their little cell there are also a few scientists doing a lot of DNA research for the Nephilim. Could there be a connection?

Come at me bitch!

Of course there’s a perfectly sane and rational reason for all these things that are going on. In a move that may shock you to the core of your belief system the Nephilim did not, in fact, come in peace. They came because they were hungry. The Nephilim are actually native to Mars (again, how did we not see them?) and are running out of food (they’re cannibals). To that end they’ve come to Earth in search of a new food supply: us. The problem is that the Nephilim can only eat their own species so the scientists have been slipping drugs into the prisoners’ food that restructures their DNA to be like the Nephilim’s, thus making humans edible. See? Makes perfect sense. Jodie must now fight her way through force fields, never-ending gun fights and surprised looking aliens to try and rescue her daughter and avoid becoming lunch. Will she make it? After 20 minutes of this movie, you won’t really care.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • The word ‘princess’ is an insult to Jewish people.
  • Hand guns can fire as rapidly as a machine gun.
  • At the slightest sign of an invasion the American president will just surrender the planet.
  • Aliens can be easily distracted with the words ‘hey sexy’.
  • Alien food makes humans throw up shaving cream.
  • Some of the strongest friendships are those forged between women who are part of an alien breeding programme.
  • Humans are an excellent alien delicacy, provided you reconfigure their DNA just right.
  • Jesus was known to personally visit aliens on Mars.

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The Hive

Year of Release: 2008
Genre:  Sci-Fi / Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.4 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

What’s not to love about a good movie made for the SyFy Channel? They’re guaranteed to be b-grade, they’re guaranteed to be made on a low-budget and they’re guaranteed to be a good laugh. The Hive is no different; based around an island under attack by a swarm of man-eating ants the audience is subjected to an hour and a half’s worth of so-so acting, horrible CGI and a plot that’s so far-fetched I recommend it for nothing else other than the ‘No, they didn’t just do that!’ factor. Read on, dear reader, if you would like to know just how far the animal kingdom can be pushed by a company out to make a tremendously b-grade sci-fi / horror combo!

The Great Human-Ant War of 2008 saw many heroic figures devoured on the battle field.

Something’s very wrong on a little island in the middle of the Pacific. One night, high up in the sky, a strange light was seen descending and disappearing behind a hill, and ever since then the ant population of the island has been going a little awry. It would appear that they are no longer content to simply invade the locals’ picnics and make off with whatever scraps are available to them – they’ve now got their sights on a much bigger prize. It all begins simply enough: one night, in the middle of the jungle, a woman is busy tidying her house while her baby gently rocks itself in a little hammock. Outside, the ants are preparing for their first attack. Hundreds of thousands of them descend on the house, making intricate structures on the roof by bunching together. Having gathered into formation they begin falling from the roof and, in a matter of seconds, devour the woman and her child and leave nothing but piles of bones and clothes. Soon most of the island’s population is on the run as the ants begin to spread out and attack entire communities, leaving nothing but death and destruction in their wake.

The Ant Laser 2000: For all your ant killing needs.

With the island on the brink of collapse it’s up to Team Thorax (I shit you not), a group of highly trained insect killers, to try and sort out the problem. They’ve come fully loaded: suits to stop the ants getting to them, high-powered ant-killing laser guns and a state-of-the-art communications centre to keep in touch with those brave souls out on patrol. All of these things are necessary since the ants are displaying incredibly aggressive behaviour, are swarming in never-before-seen numbers and have developed the ability to run at about 90 km/h. Where the ants plan on striking next is also proving to be very difficult to track and the combined forces of Team Thorax and the island’s military are being stretched rather thin trying to contain the outbreak. Oddly enough though nobody seems to think that millions of ants swarming together and eating people alive is particularly strange behaviour. Obviously Team Thorax has seen its fair share of ant-related atrocities in its time and this is really just another day at work for them.

Ants have evolved far superior pyrotechnic capabilities in comparison to humans.

Since eating every human in sight doesn’t seem to be impressing Team Thorax overly much the ants decide to go all-out and display even more bizarre behaviour in a desperate bid to get some attention. Firstly the humans discover, when they take a sample from the ants’ frontline, that the swarm is made up of a number of different species of ants, something very strange since ants usually attack ants of a different kind (racism is still very much an issue in the ant community). Nobody seems to think much of this, so the ants then start to mass together and form floating tentacles with all the ants at the front staring forward so that they can investigate their surroundings. The tentacles are also good at breaking things when the ants get angry. This doesn’t seem to impress Team Thorax either, so the ants decide to take the leader and his scientist girlfriend into their lair. Here we find that the ants have turned themselves into a computer (again, I shit you not) capable of controlling the swarm and assigning tasks to the various different ant species to ensure the optimum killing power of the swarm as a unit. The ants then begin to communicate with the humans, telling them what it is they want and why they’re doing what they’re doing. The humans must then decide if they’re going to give the ants what they want or declare all-out war.

See? Watch it for nothing other than the sheer ridiculousness of its plot. Even by SyFy standards this one was rather far-fetched.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • A great way to seduce a woman is to insult her field of expertise on national television.
  • There’s an entire industry dedicated to making enormous weapons for killing ants.
  • Speculating about mass intelligence in insect swarms is hardly mainstream science.
  • Women hate it when you grossly overstate the purpose of their PhD thesis.
  • Ants are incredibly eager hosts and want to show off the home they’ve created.
  • Ants are open to entering into territorial negotiations.
  • Ants are very knowledgeable on the workings of the human brain.
  • Ants are very good at using humans as ventriloquist dummies.

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Aaah! Zombies!!

Year of Release: 2007
Genre: Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 5.6 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

I love zombie movies: there’s something about the world coming to an end at the hands (and teeth) of hordes of the undead that I just find highly appealing. Prior to this movie, however, I’d never given much thought to the zombies themselves and how they might feel about their role in bringing society to its knees. Afterall, zombies seem like quite simple creatures in that they have relatively simple needs: a few brains every now and then to snack on and they’re perfectly happy. Or so we’ve been led to believe. Aaah! Zombies!! (a.k.a. Wasting Away) seeks to show the zombie apocalypse from the zombies’ perspective, revealing a far more complex and touching side to the undead that I’d ever expected from a walking corpse.

Nothing a good night's sleep won't fix...

It was just another night for Mike, Vanessa, Tim and Cindy, hanging out at the local bowling alley where Tim and Cindy work. Normal of course, except for the barrel of highly toxic experimental waste that accidentally rolled through town and landed up outside next to the beer kegs and ice cream mixture. With the war in Iraq dragging on a little the army has been attempting to bio-engineer the next generation of soldiers that can be sent it to kick ass and get back out in time for lunch. Unfortunately, rather than being turned into mega-soldiers, it turned the test subjects into zombies with a taste for the human brain. When the military truck taking the barrels of waste to a dumping site crashes it sends the barrels flying through the town, which is how it comes to contaminate our little group’s softserve machine. When the kids mix the contaminated ice cream with beer the stage is set for a very entertaining evening as they join the ranks of the undead.

Don't f*ck with me! I'll eat a bitch!

This is where all our assumptions regarding zombies are put to the test: after eating the contaminated ice cream the guys and girls wake up not realising that anything’s happened to them. Something that I never gave thought to until now was how zombies perceived themselves and their fellow undead friends: it turns out that they don’t see themselves any differently. To one another they look just as they did when they were alive and the horrid, brain-eating, rotting corpse version is only seen by the living. What seems to confuse them the most is that, given that a zombie’s brain isn’t firing on all cylinders, the living tend to speed up and speak a lot faster than usual. Given that the kids aren’t aware of any of this, they are understandably confused as to why they can be shot repeatedly and keep on going.

Zombie lovin' REALLY isn't pretty!

Of course the only person they manage to find that they can speak to is an equally confused soldier with part of a motorbike jammed in his abdomen. While he agrees that he and the kids have come into contact with something the military was working on, the conclusion he reaches is completely wrong. He thinks that they’ve been transformed into ‘super soldiers’ and that the rest of the town is infected with something far more deadly. Since he’s a soldier, people are shooting at them and Mike’s snacking on people’s brains as he goes along, the kids buy into what he tells them. Now they need to try and survive by ducking around the military personnel, killing cooking staff and keeping people so drunk that they can’t tell the difference between a living person and a walking corpse with neon green veins in hopes of making it to a better place where zombies can live without fear of persecution from the living.

It’s a story of love, bravery, struggle, discovering yourself, overcoming adversity, achieving independence and the many different ways of preparing a brain for dinner and there’s a little bit of something for everyone in this movie. Go and watch Aaah! Zombies!! for a very fun and enjoyable look at the other side of the zombie apocalypse 🙂

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Kittens explode in the hands of the undead.
  • Plain brains are fine, but brains in a taco are the best.
  • Avoid dairy at all costs – booze is what will save you in the end.
  • Zombie sex is complicated by the fact that the necessary parts keep falling off.
  • Zombies are remarkably good truck drivers.
  • Zombies are amazing motivational speakers.
  • In the military “blurrrgh-arrrrr-raaaaah” is a good enough description of a truck’s cargo to get it through a check point.

AAAH! ZOMBIES!! TRAILER

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