WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
You know, in all the years I’ve known Tropical Mary, we’ve banded together for some ridiculous adventures. We’ve completed degrees together, we share a faux Italian garden with one another, we started Historically Inaccurate Movie Night together, and a whole bunch of other stuff that wouldn’t have made sense even if you were there to see it. THIS, however, takes the cake. On the advice of Mistylane from CinemaSchminema (seriously, go check out her stuff, it’s amazing) I got my greasy little mitts on this movie and assembled my elite squad of movie watchers (Tropical Mary, Stygian Mole and the Occult Specialist) and got ready to watch Antfarm Dickhole. Long story short, I’m not sure if the guys will ever speak to me again, and it took me and Tropical Mary both rapidly live tweeting to cover all the crap that was going on.
I know it isn’t an Historically Inaccurate Movie, but since the word ‘plot’ isn’t one I’d associate with this movie, I’m gonna present the highly troubled stream of consciousness that happened during our little screening, with names to indicate just who was traumatised at what point.
Tropical Mary: Thank you Michael Nastri and Bill Zebub for what we are about to watch.
James: Jerking off is about the ride, not the destination. Oh god, right out the gate…
James: The science of being a 40-year-old bully.
Tropical Mary: Confessions of a 40-year-old wedgie.
James: Pockets are not good cupcake holders.
James: There’s no way this is a woman. This is a 17-year-old boy with an epic nipple stand, and the highly visible vag does nothing to convince me otherwise.
Tropical Mary: Ooh, she has a piercing…
James: We now go live to our state-of-the-art ass crack cam.
Tropical Mary: Behold! 3D Internet strippers! With an artistic boob shot thrown in for good measure.
James: The only way this is happening is if it’s holographic porn.
James: We really need a Vag-O-Meter for this movie…
James: Ants = food = Mexican water = Moctezuma’s revenge. Did I get that right?
Tropical Mary: Suddenly, busting some moves in the park.
Tropical Mary: For all that’s going on, why are the adults referring to a penis as a ‘pee pee’?
James: Boondock bikini frolicking – the new Olympic sport.
James: Morning class, welcome to How To Get Raped In The Woods 101.
James: So, army ants migrating north are a sign of a weak US-Mexican border?
James: Evolution psychology VS creationist psychology, neither of which is a real thing.
James: OK, so if an ant burrows into me, technically I own it?
James: That’s just the great hemisphere of life I guess…
James: Who knew you could make a dildo out of playdough?
James: Who talks to the ant colony in their penis?
James: Oh my. I’ve never seen someone have sex with a car before…
James: This one’s serving up some cellulite realness for us now. Oh wait, she’s a neon pink bikini-bedecked scientist.
James: The face of evil is the face of an ant, apparently.
James: This movie really is all about equal opportunity body types.
James: The car wasn’t enough, now he’s having sex with some window blinds.
Tropical Mary: Sex with a car is healthy for the soul and so is sex with a window blind.
James: Trees are sacred to bio-terrorists? Who knew?
James: Human bones usually belong to a dead human. Some class A police work on that one.
James: Up penis scope!
James: Either that banana was meant to be carried by ants, or it was demonically possessed. Either way, that’s gotta hurt.
Tropical Mary: Insecticide is WRONG!!!
James: There really is no joy in watching an OCD stripper take her clothes off.
James: This chick’s right – we really should just photosynthesise our own food.
Tropical Mary: Human photosynthesis = Vitamin D production. Thank God for the diffusion filter ge-filter fish.
James: She’s in the forest with wedge-heeled clogs…
Tropical Mary: …and her boobs look like the face of a newt.
James: Antfarm Dickhole proudly brings you the body types of Chernobyl.
James: I feel like we’re crossing the line into hardcore porn at this point…
Tropical Mary: It’s not porn just yet…
James: How do you squeeze an entire ecosystem into a penis?
James: Time to pull one last anteater out of the bag…
James: Sexual chemistry = ant colony in penis, apparently.
James: Is that Warcraft II music playing in the background?
Tropical Mary: I must get this soundtrack.
James: She died doing jazz hands.
James: Have anteater, will travel.
Tropical Mary: It’s the Saturday Aardvark!
James: Foreskins provide natural lotion. What kind of lotion?
Tropical Mary: Everything’s fun when you soft science!
Tropical Mary: The Delusion? Maybe. God? Definitely not.
James: Good friends flush the toilet for one another.
James: This minor plot can only be true if he’s shitting out liquid metal.
Tropical Mary: Maybe he’s gonna weld something.
James: Alcohol makes a drinking problem that much worse.
Tropical Mary: I have an army in my pants (are they all 5 year olds?!)
Tropical Mary: He will NOT remark that with dignity. Sans dignity. No dignity was had that day.
James: There’s no 12 step plan for this movie. There wasn’t even a plan at its inception.
James: They have a lot of lurking law enforcers in these parts.
James: With friends like Freud who needs animus? This is what happens when 7 random Wikipedia articles are strung together to form a script.
James: Who labels a moonshine container?
James: Eggs don’t need to be fertilised in order for a baby to develop.
James: When all is said and done, this fool has a remarkably robust penis.
Tropical Mary: I see a winky cutting in his future.
James: 3rd nipple for the win!
James: Telekimasturbating is a real art.
Tropical Mary: It can always get worse – more porn!
James: I feel like only an OB/GYN should see this girl like I’m seeing her now.
James: Spider rape – it can happen to you.
Tropical Mary: At least the spider’s whispering sweet nothings in French to her.
James: Bullies function with a hive mentality.
James: Manspider? REALLY?!?
So yeah, if you can make any sense out of all of that I take my hat off to you. In the wise words of Mistylane, “It’s like a bunch of 12 year olds, high on pixie sticks, got together to make an adult film.” That sums it up really well. There is no understanding of the insect world, film making, adult situations, sex, decent boobs, what a penis looks like or the difference between being attacked by an anteater and getting a so-so blowjob to be found anywhere in this movie. Truly, this is only for the most hardened z-movie goer, and preferably only if you feel you have nothing to lose.
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WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
What’s not to love about a good movie made for the SyFy Channel? They’re guaranteed to be b-grade, they’re guaranteed to be made on a low-budget and they’re guaranteed to be a good laugh. The Hive is no different; based around an island under attack by a swarm of man-eating ants the audience is subjected to an hour and a half’s worth of so-so acting, horrible CGI and a plot that’s so far-fetched I recommend it for nothing else other than the ‘No, they didn’t just do that!’ factor. Read on, dear reader, if you would like to know just how far the animal kingdom can be pushed by a company out to make a tremendously b-grade sci-fi / horror combo!
Something’s very wrong on a little island in the middle of the Pacific. One night, high up in the sky, a strange light was seen descending and disappearing behind a hill, and ever since then the ant population of the island has been going a little awry. It would appear that they are no longer content to simply invade the locals’ picnics and make off with whatever scraps are available to them – they’ve now got their sights on a much bigger prize. It all begins simply enough: one night, in the middle of the jungle, a woman is busy tidying her house while her baby gently rocks itself in a little hammock. Outside, the ants are preparing for their first attack. Hundreds of thousands of them descend on the house, making intricate structures on the roof by bunching together. Having gathered into formation they begin falling from the roof and, in a matter of seconds, devour the woman and her child and leave nothing but piles of bones and clothes. Soon most of the island’s population is on the run as the ants begin to spread out and attack entire communities, leaving nothing but death and destruction in their wake.
With the island on the brink of collapse it’s up to Team Thorax (I shit you not), a group of highly trained insect killers, to try and sort out the problem. They’ve come fully loaded: suits to stop the ants getting to them, high-powered ant-killing laser guns and a state-of-the-art communications centre to keep in touch with those brave souls out on patrol. All of these things are necessary since the ants are displaying incredibly aggressive behaviour, are swarming in never-before-seen numbers and have developed the ability to run at about 90 km/h. Where the ants plan on striking next is also proving to be very difficult to track and the combined forces of Team Thorax and the island’s military are being stretched rather thin trying to contain the outbreak. Oddly enough though nobody seems to think that millions of ants swarming together and eating people alive is particularly strange behaviour. Obviously Team Thorax has seen its fair share of ant-related atrocities in its time and this is really just another day at work for them.
Since eating every human in sight doesn’t seem to be impressing Team Thorax overly much the ants decide to go all-out and display even more bizarre behaviour in a desperate bid to get some attention. Firstly the humans discover, when they take a sample from the ants’ frontline, that the swarm is made up of a number of different species of ants, something very strange since ants usually attack ants of a different kind (racism is still very much an issue in the ant community). Nobody seems to think much of this, so the ants then start to mass together and form floating tentacles with all the ants at the front staring forward so that they can investigate their surroundings. The tentacles are also good at breaking things when the ants get angry. This doesn’t seem to impress Team Thorax either, so the ants decide to take the leader and his scientist girlfriend into their lair. Here we find that the ants have turned themselves into a computer (again, I shit you not) capable of controlling the swarm and assigning tasks to the various different ant species to ensure the optimum killing power of the swarm as a unit. The ants then begin to communicate with the humans, telling them what it is they want and why they’re doing what they’re doing. The humans must then decide if they’re going to give the ants what they want or declare all-out war.
See? Watch it for nothing other than the sheer ridiculousness of its plot. Even by SyFy standards this one was rather far-fetched.
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- A great way to seduce a woman is to insult her field of expertise on national television.
- There’s an entire industry dedicated to making enormous weapons for killing ants.
- Speculating about mass intelligence in insect swarms is hardly mainstream science.
- Women hate it when you grossly overstate the purpose of their PhD thesis.
- Ants are incredibly eager hosts and want to show off the home they’ve created.
- Ants are open to entering into territorial negotiations.
- Ants are very knowledgeable on the workings of the human brain.
- Ants are very good at using humans as ventriloquist dummies.
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