WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
Oh dear, watching this back to back with Hookers in a Haunted House really wasn’t my best idea; between the two of them I’m not sure I have a sexual orientation anymore. With such high-profile stars as Jason Lockhart (of Aliens VS Avatars fame) and gay porn star Dylan Vox you can only begin to imagine the ride this movie’s 70 minutes are going to take you on. With all that said, provided you can withstand being constantly bombarded with naked torsos and the occasional penis, this movie is a great laugh; it’s so completely (and unintentionally) over the top you can’t help but roll your eyes and giggle at the sheer ludicracy of it all.
Caleb’s just your regular young gay man moving to California to get away from the close-mindedness that is the American midwest. Being a trusting young thing he’s moving in with Paul, another conveniently gay man who just happened to be looking for a roommate. Caleb’s eager to leave his tarnished past as an all-star swimming champion behind and dedicate himself solely to pursuing a degree and finding the ideal spot for drinking herbal teas for hours on end. Paul has other ideas, but a more immediate concern for Caleb is what the enigmatic Jasin has in store for him.
As a sign of the age we live in Jasin is considered an incredibly ancient vampire since he’s about to turn 100. Vampire law dictates that on his centenary Jasin needs to take a life mate, but finding this person is proving to be rather tricky. Up until this point Jasin and his flamboyant coven were convinced The One was Tara, a lovely, if somewhat desperate, young lady. This all changes when Caleb rocks up in town and Jasin starts to have visions (of a sexual nature) of him. Intrigued by this turn of events Jasin decides to court Caleb to see how open to being turned into a vampire he might be.
But of course since we’ve introduced all these other characters so we need to do something with them. Caleb becomes instantly smitten with Jasin, leaving poor Paul out in the cold. Not one to simply accept defeat Paul resorts to whining and well placed topless guitar playing in an attempt to seduce his would-be sweetheart. When this and more direct methods fail Caleb storms off and Jasin, sensing his boy toy is displeased, sends the shirtless coven to take care of business. One would hope that this would take care of the problem but soon there is dissension in the ranks. Fighting against gay vampire rights Logan, Jasin’s right-hand fang, insists that Tara should be chosen as The One. When Jasin refuses to listen Logan abducts Tara, hoping to draw Caleb out into the open so he can kill him. Can Jasin save Tara and keep the love of his life? Does Caleb love Jasin enough to be turned into a vampire? Will anyone ever come out fully clothed? You’ll have to watch to find out.
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- Herbal teas are sometimes the best idea a person can ever have.
- Male vampires do enjoy a spot of synchronised sun tanning.
- Roommates should feel comfortable enough with one another to walk around virtually naked.
- Gay vampire seduction is infinitely more awkward than straight vampire seduction.
- Living in a more enlightened age means that vampires can now freely hunt members of either sex to bolster the coven’s numbers.
- Men just give in to their girlfriend’s requests to have a threesome under a sunflower bush.
- Gay vampires are incredibly worried about disappointing their mothers.
- All star swimming champions are worshipped as gods in the midwestern states.
- Herbal tea has a gargantuan calorie count.
- Stray bullets tend to put a dampener on an otherwise perfect afternoon.
- Vampires communicate with mortals through tongue-on-tongue action.
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WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
A new year, another round of crappy movies. Oh, it makes my soul feel happy 🙂 First of all, let’s clear some things up about this movie. To start, the title is misleading: there is, in fact, only a single gargoyle. Secondly, the CGI wasn’t bad for this type of outing, although you don’t see the gargoyle very often so it probably explains how they could afford to do it reasonably well. Finally, Eric Balfour should stick to being in Haven. All that being said, this wasn’t a terrible movie. It was boring as hell most of the way through, but when things happened they happened quite well. All in all, a good way to ease ourselves into 2012, b-grade style!
We begin our slow adventure with Jack Randall, a university professor who’s in a bad way at the moment. He’s busy going through a divorce and nobody wants to publish his latest book. If it weren’t for the fact that his class on gargoyles was going so well and the blonde and lovely Carol is throwing herself at him relentlessly the gods alone know what he might do to himself. Carol, feeling that Jack needs to get over his depression so that he can a.) move on with his life and b.) mount her decides to take him to a church that’s busy being torn down. They have some amazing gargoyles stuck around the building and since it’s about to be demolished anyway a little breaking and entering really won’t do all that much harm. Dear, sweet Carol. If only she knew what slightly horrifying creature she and Jack are about to unleash on the world…
Perhaps ‘the world’ is a bit too broad a term. At the very least they’re gonna unleash the creature on Pseudo-France. You know it’s Pseudo-France because everyone speaks English to one another but in that put-on heavy French accent that no actual French speaker has. Anyway before you know it the monster is wreaking small-scale havoc across whatever city we might be in and Carol’s about to find herself without a head. Ripping off heads appears to be the gargoyle’s preferred method of attack. Why Carol was attacked but the gargoyle is a mystery, but it just might have something to do with the glowing things that look like overripe avocados that she stole from the church. Jack, finding out what happened to her, is understandably distraught but finding it difficult to find anyone who will believe his gargoyle story. Things aren’t helped by the fact that the local chief of police (the most Pseudo-French character in the entire movie) thinks that it’s Jack responsible for ripping the heads of random people and dragging their bodies up the side of buildings.
Good thing for Jack that the one thing you can rely on anywhere in the world is a crack-pot journalist looking for bizarre stories to uncover and expose. Nicole, who gradually loses her Pseudo-French accent as the movie goes on, and her cameraman Walsh are more than happy to lend a hand in exposing the truth behind the gargoyle that’s stalking Pseudo-France. They will be joined by a rather trigger happy Father Gable who also has some minor experience in using explosives. In the confined spaces of a labyrinthine-like church there’s no way that this can possibly go wrong. Armed with a few guns, a big UV light and a vague idea of what they’re going to do when they find the beast the four of them set off on the hunt for the gargoyle. But the gargoyle’s protecting something more than just itself, something that it’s prepared to fight to the death for…
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- Universities now offer entire degrees that cater to those wishing to specialise in gargoyle studies.
- It’s entirely possible to contain an ancient evil by sticking it behind a flimsy wooden door.
- Building a church on top of an old church is fairly similar to building a house on a Native American burial ground.
- Gargoyles have amazing homing techniques and can stalk prey that have wandered into their hellish lair for hundreds of miles.
- There are no religious problems with a priest killing a woman to use as bait to lure a gargoyle into a trap.
- Any unholy creature that makes its nest in a church should immediately be referred to as The Beast.
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