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The Final

Year of Release: 2010
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 5.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!


If Saw and The Strangers were ever to bump into one another one night at a party and have a drunken one-night stand, and that union resulted in the birth of an incredibly angry child, that child would be The Final. After the nightmare that was Monsturd I felt like I needed a movie that stood at least half a chance of being good, and with movies like this it’s always very touch-and-go, so I thought it was a fair challenge. Thankfully I can report that this one doesn’t disappoint. If you’ve ever wondered just how far people will go to get even with those that’ve repeatedly beaten them down, then The Final is a delightfully atmospheric trip to the dark side.

Parts of my brain are dying off just looking at them.

It’s a story as old as time and slasher movies themselves: popular kids making the lives of the unpopular kids an absolute living hell. You can never quite decide which is worse, the male version which involves random beatings or the female equivalent which involves being the cattiest, nastiest bitch out there. As their vapidness and seemingly endless desire to mate increases, the popular kids’ attacks become ever more scathing and horrible, but the tables are about to turn. The unpopular kids have devised a plan to take their dignity back (or, at the very least, torture the hell out of their nemeses). The plan is simple: invite the tormentors to a costume party in the hell-and-back of nowhere, drug the booze and chain them to the floor and one another. From there all that limits you is the imagination and weapons you have at your disposal.

Freaky clown? Check.

With everyone tied up it’s time to get to work. The premise is very simple: the outcasts have no intention of killing their captives; they simply want to make them as ugly on the outside as they are on the inside. Of course, even when you’ve been lured to a house under false pretences, drugged, chained to a floor and woken up to a group of 6 people wearing freaky masks holding guns, there’s always going to be that one smart arse who thinks it’s all a joke. Proving him wrong is a rather simple task: cattle gun to the face and leg. This, however, is only a taste of things to come, and for the rest of the night the captive kids will be subjected to all kinds of brutal torture methods, including a musical use for acupuncture needles and a shaving cream that melts the hair (and skin) right off your face. Most of the torture methods are meant to be ironic and based on both the individual tormentor’s own horrible personality and things that they should’ve learned at school but didn’t because they were too busy bullying the outcasts to pay attention.

I know it’s a rather short review but the movie itself isn’t that involved, it’s just an effective slasher / revenge movie whose point is driven home right at the end during a news report about the captives and their fates at the hands of the outcasts. It’s certainly not light viewing but I do thoroughly recommend  it if you’re in the mood for some creative methods of getting back at the people you don’t like.


  • For safety and strength, bitches always travel in packs of 3.
  • Horror movies provide excellent teaching material for up-and-coming psychopaths.
  • Red meat is for people who don’t care what they look like.
  • Never ask an ex-soldier from the Vietnam War for help in the middle of the night.
  • In the South the only way to get the police to come and help you is to say that black people are robbing a house.


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Wicked Little Things

Year of Release: 2006
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 5 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!


In my journey to watch some of the most horrifying horrors ever made, I occasionally manage to lay my hands on something that doesn’t look very promising but turns out to be quite enjoyable. To this end I have decided to start a ‘Surprise!’ Level of Awful for movies that beat the odds and managed to come being rather fun to watch. I rate that if we can celebrate the bad, we might as well celebrate the good as well and that is why I have chosen to begin this category with Wicked Little Things. Zombies are my favourite niche in the horror genre and, in my opinion, there is nothing more frightening than children. So combine the two and watch as zombie children hunt down person after person and you have a fantastically, gory treat on your hands!

Sometimes a rabbit foot alone isn't gonna do the trick...

This tale of pint-sized terror begins in 1913 in Addytown, a town largely built on the mining industry. Over at the Carlton mine the owner uses immigrant children as his slave labour, sending them into the little nooks and crannies that regular miners can’t get into. As with many mines that operate outside the legal system and aren’t overly concerned with safety an explosion goes off and a large portion of the mine caves in and many of the children are buried alive. With the mine’s closed the town slowly became deserted but, for those that remained, the children’s deaths became a part of local legend and at night you can still see them walking around in the woods. This is the town that Karen Tunny and her two daughters Sarah (Scout Taylor-Compton from Rob Zombie’s attack on Halloween) and Emma are moving to after the death of Karen’s husband following a prolonged battle with a terminal illness. Karen has no money and few possessions, but fortunately her husband left her a creepy old house filled with evil-looking toys out in the middle of nowhere right near the old Carlton mine…

Children aren't the picky eaters you may think they are...

As normally happens in this kind of situation Sarah, the teenager, manages to find a group of rebels that she can hang out with and Emma develops a not-so imaginary friend named Mary. As Karen attempts to bring the old abandoned home into better order the children begin to make their presence more known, especially when they attack Sarah and her friends while they are out hotboxing in the middle of a field. Thrown into this mixture is William Carlton, the last surviving descendant of the original owner of the Carlton mine. As he moves through Addytown buying up more and more of the property for development the children’s attacks become more and more violent and Emma’s imaginary friend begins to take Emma away for longer and longer periods of time. With the help of Mr Hanks, a local who has been sacrificing animals to the cannibalistic children in an attempt to keep them under control, Karen must attempt to save her daughters and herself from the ever-angrier group of ghostly children and try to find out why they are so angry and what it will take to make them rest in peace before the few remaining inhabitants of Addytown land up being a very undercooked burger meal for the children.


  • Children are amazingly competent with sticks of dynamite.
  • Moving your children to a derelict old house near haunted forest after the death of their father is a great way to cheer them up.
  • Teenagers have radar when it comes to finding other teenagers with weed on them.
  • Every town has a group of 3 teenagers, 2 boys and 1 girl, just in case another girl needs an instant boyfriend.
  • Little girls’ imaginary friends inevitably turn out to be some sort of ghostly apparition hell-bent on spilling blood.
  • Burnt and rotten dolls are the customary gift of a ghost zombie to a normal girl.
  • Creepy houses built next to creepy woods near an abandoned mine where dozens of children died are apparently prime property.
  • Property development is a far more important endeavour than trying to stop your crew from being eaten.
  • Any supernatural mystery can be solved provided you have a folktale and a box of old photos to work with.



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